Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.

Mrs Trellis

Well-known member
A dad went into his 13 yr old daughter's bedroom to find her smoking.
"How long have you been smoking?" he shouted.
"Since I lost my virginity," she replied. "You lost your VIRGINITY?" he shrieked. "
When the hell did this happen?"
The daughter replied, "No idea, I was drunk!"


Well-known member


Well-known member
On my first day in prison, my cell mate said to me...
"If you ever come close to me, I'll skin you alive. Touch me when we're sleeping, and you're dead. You hear me? Don't even talk to me, either."

"Great." I thought, "First day in here and I'm already married."

tony from suffolk

Well-known member
The next time you dislike your life remember, it's all about perspective. I have a friend who has the time to read two books a week, works out twice a day, has no financial worries, and has lots of people wanting to have sex with him. And yet he constantly complains about how much he hates prison.

Mrs Trellis

Well-known member
Guy went to identify a body, they said is this your wife?
The man starts to sob uncontrollably.
The assistant says you must have been very close.
The man says no - we hated each other’s guts.
He asks, then why are you crying? He said its not her ….

tony from suffolk

Well-known member
Some of the old favourite singers and bands have re-released their greatest hits with new titles and lyrics to accommodate their ageing audience.

Some examples:
Herman’s Hermits: “Mrs. Brown You’ve Got a Lovely Walker”
The Rolling Stones: “You Can’t Always Pee When You Want”
Credence Clearwater Revival: “Bad Prune Rising”
Marvin Gaye: “I Heard It Through the Grape Nuts”
The Who: “Talkin’ 'Bout My Medication”
The Troggs: “Bald Thing”
Carly Simon: “You’re So Varicose Vein”
The Bee Gees: “How Can You Mend a Broken Hip”
Roberta Flack: “The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face”
Johnny Nash: “I Can’t See Clearly Now”
The Temptations: “Papa Got a Kidney Stone”
ABBA: “Denture Queen”
Leo Sayer: “You Make Me Feel Like Napping”
Commodores: “Once, Twice, Three Trips to the Bathroom”
Procol Harem: “A Whiter Shade of Hair”