Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.

[Mrs Trellis]

A dad went into his 13 yr old daughter's bedroom to find her smoking.
"How long have you been smoking?" he shouted.
"Since I lost my virginity," she replied. "You lost your VIRGINITY?" he shrieked. "
When the hell did this happen?"
The daughter replied, "No idea, I was drunk!"

 

[andys]

I've lost control, I don't see an end, there's no escape. I don't even have a home anymore.
Time to buy a new keyboard.

 

[TheBitterEnd]

 

[AR]

that reminds me of the XKCD strip where Darth Vader found Luke's fleshlight : https://xkcd.com/1397/

If you don't know what a fleshlight is I'd advise not googling it at work...

 

[andys]

On my first day in prison, my cell mate said to me...
"If you ever come close to me, I'll skin you alive. Touch me when we're sleeping, and you're dead. You hear me? Don't even talk to me, either."

"Great." I thought, "First day in here and I'm already married."

 

[GarDouth]

The man who invented the speed boat has died.
His funeral is next Friday, 10am followed by a wake.

 

[tony from suffolk]

The next time you dislike your life remember, it's all about perspective. I have a friend who has the time to read two books a week, works out twice a day, has no financial worries, and has lots of people wanting to have sex with him. And yet he constantly complains about how much he hates prison.

 

[Mrs Trellis]

Guy went to identify a body, they said is this your wife?
The man starts to sob uncontrollably.
The assistant says you must have been very close.
The man says no - we hated each other’s guts.
He asks, then why are you crying? He said its not her ….

 

[Tricky Dicky]

What’s an Australian kiss?









Same as a French kiss but down under

 

[GarDouth]

My half brother and I aren’t allowed to play with chainsaws any more.

 

[tony from suffolk]

I have found marriage to be very educational. For instance, I had no idea there was a wrong way to put milk in the fridge.

 

[Mrs Trellis]

My grandmother was 80% Irish…..
.......her name was Iris

 

[ChrisB]

My grandmother was 80% Irish…..
.......her name was

Following that up, our current Prime Minister is Irish mixed race...

 

[tony from suffolk]

I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally things like that don’t bother me, but it was in my Big Mac.

 

[oldfart]

Employee tests positive for COKE.





Gets fired from job at Pepsi factory!

 

[Mrs Trellis]

A girl texts her mum. "Mum I need advice. I've got my boyfriend's cum in my hair. Will I have to cut it out?"
Mum: "Don't worry you won't have to cut it out. I've had loads of cum in my hair over the years. It will wash out."
Girl: "Sorry Mum. Bloody autocorrect. I meant gum!"

 

[oldfart]

The girl screaming for a pony eventually got a little hoarse.

 

[TheBitterEnd]

 

[TheBitterEnd]

 

[tony from suffolk]

Some of the old favourite singers and bands have re-released their greatest hits with new titles and lyrics to accommodate their ageing audience.

Some examples:
Herman’s Hermits: “Mrs. Brown You’ve Got a Lovely Walker”
The Rolling Stones: “You Can’t Always Pee When You Want”
Credence Clearwater Revival: “Bad Prune Rising”
Marvin Gaye: “I Heard It Through the Grape Nuts”
The Who: “Talkin’ 'Bout My Medication”
The Troggs: “Bald Thing”
Carly Simon: “You’re So Varicose Vein”
The Bee Gees: “How Can You Mend a Broken Hip”
Roberta Flack: “The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face”
Johnny Nash: “I Can’t See Clearly Now”
The Temptations: “Papa Got a Kidney Stone”
ABBA: “Denture Queen”
Leo Sayer: “You Make Me Feel Like Napping”
Commodores: “Once, Twice, Three Trips to the Bathroom”
Procol Harem: “A Whiter Shade of Hair”