Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.

[RobinGriffiths]

An there's that old Eddie Cochrane favourite - C'mmode Everybody

 

[ChrisB]

…to accommodate their ageing audience

or, in the case of the Rolling Stones, their ageing selves

 

[Mrs Trellis]

The wife was trying to be sexy for me last night.
When I came up the stairs, I found her lying naked on the bed, licking a lollipop.
Then she slipped it up her fanny...
I said, "Careful with that, love. You'll need it to help the children across the road tomorrow!"

 

[Mrs Trellis]

A man and his wife are about to have sex when the husband says "Do a handstand against the full length mirror."
The wife thinks this is kinky and does it. The man puts his chin on her privates and says
"The boys at the pub were right, a goatee would suit me!"

 

[tony from suffolk]

I think I've hit the Jackpot at the local boot fair. l've bought an old coffee table for 10 quid & I'm sure it was made by Van Gogh. I know this because there's a bit of vaneer missing.

 

[andys]

My girlfriend keeps accusing me of cheating.
She's starting to sound a lot like my wife.

 

[Mrs Trellis]

A man consults a psychiatrist.......
"What seems to be the problem?"
"I keep thinking I'm a dog, Doctor"
"Okay - just lie on the couch and we'll discuss it"
"I'm not allowed on the couch".

 

[GarDouth]

Sat watching Blue Peter with my mates the other day, when I thought;
shouldn't one of us try to resuscitate him?

 

[Mrs Trellis]

Why did the vegan cross the road?
To tell someone they're a vegan!

 

[Wayland Smith]

Why did the vegan cross the road?
To tell someone they're a vegan!

Even worse!
A Vegan with an electric car!

 

[andys]

I've just walked past the local bookies and spotted a sign on the door saying "Open Sunday : 11-4". Well I've put a tenner on that 'cos they were open last Sunday.

 

[oldfart]

Fishing licenses are ridiculous! How are you going to drive a fish?

 

[Mrs Trellis]

Went detectoring yesterday and found a buried Land Rover.........
.........it was my first discovery.

 

[Mrs Trellis]

My wife has left me due to my gambling addiction.

I bet I can win her back.

 

[tony from suffolk]

You know you're old if you remember when fame was a byproduct of talent.

 

[Mrs Trellis]

Original photo...........

 

[hyweldavies]

 

[pwhole]

Ben Jennings on the Princess of Wales’s photo-editing skills – cartoon

The Princess of Wales has apologised for an editing error that led to an official photograph of her and her three children being recalled

www.theguardian.com

 

[Mrs Trellis]

This has just been published but I suspect it's been edited...............

 

[Mrs Trellis]

A woman had been on the game for years & was worried about the size of her vagina on her wedding night.
So she decided to tell her husband she had caught it climbing over a fence.
After an hour in bed he asked
"How far across the field were you before you realised it was caught?"