Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.

[Mrs Trellis]

l've just found out l'm in the Guinness World Records Book for the most clothes on a washing line…...
lt was a lot to take in!

 

[GarDouth]

I called my local Sealife Centre today.
They told me my call may be used for training porpoises.

 

[andys]

I think I'll do asparagus to go with tonight's evening meal - anyone got any tips?

 

[tony from suffolk]

I hate that feeling after surgery when you're not sure if you're awake or asleep.
Or even if you operated on the right patient.

 

[Mrs Trellis]

Wooo hooo - I just sold my homing pigeon on ebay...........
.........for the 22nd time.

 

[Mrs Trellis]

A man goes into a chemist's and asks if they stock Viagra.
"We certainly do sir"
"Can I get it over the counter?"
"Probably if you take two"

 

[Mrs Trellis]

The police came to my door holding a picture of my wife.
They said, "Is this your wife?"
Shocked I answered, "Yes". They said, "We are afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus".
I said, "I know, but she takes it up the arse, does the cooking and she's good with the kids!"

 

[Mrs Trellis]

Looking for a bit of advice.
What's the best number of Roses to give the girlfriend for Valentine's Day?
6? 12? 24?
or the whole tin?

 

[Oceanrower]

Magician: "I can make anything disappear."

Tom: holding a cup- “Do it to my tea!"

Magician: waves hand- "Done!"

om: holding a cup- "It didn't work."

 

[Fulk]

That's far too subtle for me . . . especially at half-past ten at night!!!

 

[Mrs Trellis]

Got the missus a new bag and a new belt for Valentines Day.
She'll be made up......
the hoover is as good as new now!

 

[Mrs Trellis]

Phew! Just got back from A&E.
I hope the postie gets attended to soon.
Royal Mail really should put my post in sensibly sized bundles - say 100 envelopes - and use a lorry rather than a van for delivery.

 

[Mrs Trellis]

A lorry carrying incontinence pants has shed its load on the motorway.
Police are warning of long delays due to rubberknickers!

 

[tony from suffolk]

The Nigerian football team were so disappointed with Saturday’s performance that they have said they will personally refund all expenses to fans who travelled to support them. All they need to do is send bank details, sort codes and PINs, & they will transfer the money directly…

 

[GarDouth]

Today I looked up an old girlfriend from school.
That’s the one great thing about being a gynaecologist.

 

[Mrs Trellis]

I wonder if you can order a takeaway by telepathy.........

.........that's food for thought.

 

[TheBitterEnd]

 

[andys]

Hired a handy man and gave him a list. When I got home, only numbers 1, 3, & 5 had been done. Turns out, he only does odd jobs.

 

[Mrs Trellis]

The man who invented the word search has died. His funeral will be held next...
T T I S P V G K M P
H J G U O N Q U X
N M O N D A Y WZ
B A T K T E N O P G
H C V N K O T D I M

 

[Mrs Trellis]

A Manchester Airport female baggage handler is in critical condition after being caught in conveyor belt.
Her husband is waiting for her to come round.