Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.

[hoehlenforscher]

Just found out that A Tale of Two Cities was originally serialised in two local newspapers.
It was The Bicester Times, it was the Worcester Times.

 

[alanw]

Just found out that A Tale of Two Cities was originally serialised in two local newspapers.
It was The Bicester Times, it was the Worcester Times.

Please can we have a "groan" emoji? That's the second one today, after the Ikea one.

 

[Speleofish]

Just found out that A Tale of Two Cities was originally serialised in two local newspapers.
It was The Bicester Times, it was the Worcester Times.

Ouch. Very good but definitely Ouch....

 

[Robert Scott]

Just found out that A Tale of Two Cities was originally serialised in two local newspapers.
It was The Bicester Times, it was the Worcester Times.

Absolutely brillant.

 

[Mrs Trellis]

HMRC has written saying my tax return is "outstanding".
I thought it was pretty good as well , though I don't remember sending it in.

 

[legendrider]

Whats the most dangerous place on a container ship?

the bridge.

 

[Mrs Trellis]

As a plane is about to crash, a female passenger announces, "If I'm going to die I want to die feeling like a woman."
She removes her clothes and says
"Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt and replies
"Here love, iron this!"

 

[Mrs Trellis]

Still haven't sold any copies of my autobiography...................story of my life really.

 

[Mrs Trellis]

There are 70 ways to keep a man happy.

One is alcohol... The rest is 69!

 

[tony from suffolk]

A man goes in for an interview for a job as a TV news broadcaster. The interview went quite well but the trouble was he kept winking and stammering.
The interviewer said, “Although you have a lot of the qualities we’re looking for, the fact that you keep winking and stammering disqualifies you.”
“Oh, that’s no problem,” said the man. “If I take a couple of aspirin I stop winking and stammering for an hour.”
“Show me,” said the interviewer.
So the man reached into his pocket. Embarrassingly he pulled out loads of condoms of every variety - colored and everything before he found the packet of aspirin. He took the aspirin and soon talked perfectly and stopped winking.
The interviewer said, “That’s amazing, but I don’t think we could employ someone who’d be womanizing all over the country.”
“Excuse me!” exclaimed the man, “I’m a happily married man, not a womanizer!”
“Well how do you explain all the condoms, then?” asked the interviewer.
The man replied, “Have you ever gone into a pharmacy, stammering and winking, and asked for a packet of aspirin?”

 

[Mrs Trellis]

New radio station to be launched - BBC Radio 0.
The BBC has responded to noise pollution complaints and will introduce a totally silent radio station in a few weeks. They are now testing potential announcers for their silent ability.

 

[Mrs Trellis]

"Dad, why is my sister called Teresa?"
"Because your mum loves Easter and Teresa is an anagram of Easter."
"Thanks Dad."
"No problem Alan!"

 

[andys]

"Dad, why is my brother called Alan?"
"You'll have to ask your mother, Lora."

 

[Fulk]

Did Alan have a brother called Cnut?

 

[wormster]

New radio station to be launched - BBC Radio 0.
The BBC has responded to noise pollution complaints and will introduce a totally silent radio station in a few weeks. They are now testing potential announcers for their silent ability.

I'm in I have a 7 minute track called "The Sound Of Silence" by Marcel Marso!

 

[Mrs Trellis]

My wife thought a dirty weekend away would be good for our marriage.

I guess we'll find out when I get back.

 

[Mrs Trellis]

Two dyslexics are in a kitchen, one says to the other, "Can you smell food?"

The other replies, "I can’t even smell my own name!"

 

[RobinGriffiths]

Bulglars broke into the local Police Station last night and stole the toilet.
Police say they have nothing to go on.

 

[andys]

I've just had another run in with the police too. I really should stop entering their marathons.

 

[Mrs Trellis]

A recent study has shown that women who carry extra weight tend to live longer than the men who mention it!