Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.

[TheBitterEnd]

 

[tony from suffolk]

In the pub last night a woman accused me of only being after one thing.
I said "I assure you I'm not, I'm hoping to get my ironing done too"...

 

[Dickie]

I'm having a lot of trouble downloading the Titanic soundtrack.

It's still syncing...

 

[hyweldavies]

I'm having a lot of trouble downloading the Titanic soundtrack.

It's still syncing...

The Titanic so was so well built that even a century after the disaster the swimming pool is still full of water

 

[GarDouth]

What do you get when you mix human DNA and monkey DNA?
Kicked out of the zoo.

 

[andys]

Does it make you upset when you get aroused seeing yourself naked in the mirror? Try not to be so hard on yourself.

 

[tony from suffolk]

I went to Aldi and made another impulse purchase - went in for an angle grinder and a wetsuit and ended up with a carton of milk.

 

[TheBitterEnd]

Why does Norway have barcodes on all of their warships?

.
.
.
So they can Scandinavian.
🤦‍♀️

 

[andys]

I fell asleep on the chair last night and when I woke I found the missus had put a tea-bag in my mouth. I hate being taken for a mug.

 

[Wedge]

Tis Friday, national poets day.
Piss off early tomorrow's Saturday.

 

[Mrs Trellis]

 

[TheBitterEnd]

 

[Mrs Trellis]

 

[Mrs Trellis]

Got myself the new King Charles notes

 

[Mrs Trellis]

A vacuum cleaner salesman knocked on my door.
Before I spoke he tipped a bucket of dog shit over my carpet & said,
"If this vacuum doesn't remove every trace of it I'll personally eat what's left."
I replied, "I hope you're hungry because they cut off my electric this morning!"

 

[Mrs Trellis]

I recently bought a toilet brush…............
To cut a long story short, I'm going back to toilet paper!

 

[TheBitterEnd]

My friend the other day told me to "Cheer up, it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water"

I know he means well.

 

[ChrisB]

The right type of blue for the Tory party is....

Norwegian Blue.

 

[alanw]

The right type of blue for the Tory party is....

Norwegian Blue.

They don't use blue any more. This came through my door a week or so ago. The recycling binmen come next Monday.

 

[Mrs Trellis]

As I went to order at KFC last night, a vegan stopped me and said, "The chicken you're about to order had a family."
I replied, "That's why I'm ordering the family bucket. Nobody is left behind!"