Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.

[legendrider]

First mate to the pirate captain:

"The men be ready cap'n"
"Aarrrr!"
"Sorry cap'n, the men ARE ready"

How do you know if you're a Pirate?

You just aarrr

 

[andys]

Just how do the birds and the bees get to learn about sex?

 

[hyweldavies]

How do you know if you're a Pirate?

You just aarrr

On one of the radio comedy shows there was some gag about Somali pirates. One of the comedians says "I bet you can't even do a Somali accent" I think it was Marcus Brigstock who replied "I'll give it a go; shivaah me timbaas"

 

[TheBitterEnd]

 

[TheBitterEnd]

 

[TheBitterEnd]

What they'll be worth tomorrow

 

[Mrs Trellis]

The England squad visited an orphanage in Germany today.
"It's heartbreaking to see the despair and lack of hope on their faces" … … said Dieter, age 6

 

[Mrs Trellis]

An old man is in hospital and on his death bed . He says to his family,:-
to my sons I leave my eight penthouse suites in Chelsea,
to my daughter my 12 mansions in Mayfair and
to my wife my six hotels in Knightsbridge.
He then faded away, the nurse then said
" I didnt know how wealthy and how much property your husband owned "
" Oh no " his wife said , " that was his window cleaning round "

 

[andys]

I thought it would help if I analysed all my failed relationships. So I drew a graph with an "Ex" axis and a "Why" axis.

 

[Tricky Dicky]

Sheepdog : "I've put your 20 sheep in the pen"

Farmer : "There are only 18 sheep."

Sheepdog : "I know but you asked me to round them up."

 

[andys]

Aldi has started selling moths. Apparently, they are flying off the shelves.

 

[GarDouth]

The man who makes the giant eclairs at our local patisserie has retired.
Whoever replaces him has got some massive chouxs to fill.

 

[hyweldavies]

There was a restaurant which seemingly had an extensive selection of exotic animals on the menu. A somewhat skeptical customer decided to put them to the test and ordered the "elephant's ear sandwich". "I'm terribly
sorry Sir, but I'm afraid that's off today". "Ha!" says the customer, "It's just a sham publicity stunt. I knew you'd not have elephants' ears". "Oh no Sir. We have the elephants' ears, but we've run out of the giant bread rolls"

 

[Mrs Trellis]

There was a restaurant which seemingly had an extensive selection of exotic animals on the menu. A somewhat skeptical customer decided to put them to the test and ordered the "elephant's ear sandwich". "I'm terribly
sorry Sir, but I'm afraid that's off today". "Ha!" says the customer, "It's just a sham publicity stunt. I knew you'd not have elephants' ears". "Oh no Sir. We have the elephants' ears, but we've run out of the giant bread rolls"

I fell out of my pram at that in the original version "tiger's tits on toast".

 

[Mrs Trellis]

For anyone interested, I will be signing books in Waterstones bookshop tomorrow morning from 9am until security throw me out!

 

[Mrs Trellis]

At the pool today I had a pee in the deep end.
The lifeguard blew his whistle so effin' loudly I nearly fell in!

 

[legendrider]

Breaking news, Donald Trump has survived an assassination attempt.
The bullet nicked his right ear, missing his brain by nearly three feet.

 

[Long Drop]

My understanding was that the bullet hit his skull but bounced off.

 

[PeteHall]

It would seem that democracy is the biggest joke this month...
UK elects largest majority government on pretty much lowest vote share and turnout in history.
Largest vote share loses French elections.
And the USA, where to even start...

 

[Mrs Trellis]

"Knives made from frozen human faeces do not work" . Not not a joke but a report in the Journal of Archaeological Science.

https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S2352409X19305371