Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.

[tony from suffolk]

“Are there any accomplishments from your last job you're particularly proud of?”

“I'm responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbook”

“That's great! You wrote them?”

“That's not what I said…”

 

[alanw]

“Are there any accomplishments from your last job you're particularly proud of?”

“I'm responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbook”

“That's great! You wrote them?”

“That's not what I said…”

Skippy’s List: The 213 things Skippy is no longer allowed to do in the U.S. Army

A quick note: I don't mind if you want to quote a few items from my list of your site. But please do not copy the list in it's entirety. Explanations of these events: a) I did myself, and either got in trouble or commended. (I had a Major shake my hand for the piss bottle thing, for instance.)...

skippyslist.com

 

[alanw]

I originally posted this in reply to this headline seen on the Facebook group "Bad Caving Tips": "Region's potholes to be filled with HS2 cash".

A rough calculation. A £2 coin is approx 30mm x 2.5mm. In 1 litre you could stack 3 x 3 x 40 = 360. In 1 cubic metre you'd have 360 thousand. Gaping Gill main chamber has a volume of about 50 thousand cubic metres. Filling GG would cost 18000 million pounds, or 18 billion. The cost of HS2 could be up to 100 billion. (Yes, I know GG is in Yorkshire).

 

[GarDouth]

What does a man with a 2 foot penis have for breakfast?
This morning I had a boiled egg.

 

[tony from suffolk]

Went to the sperm bank earlier - the lady asked if I'd like to masturbate in the cup.

I said “I'm good but I'm not ready to compete in a tournament yet”

 

[Mrs Trellis]

A man walks into the Election Office and says to the receptionist, "I would like to put my name forward for the forthcoming elections to be an Independent candidate." The receptionist replied, "Certainly sir. Please fill in this form.'' He was filling the form in and he came to the question ''Are you circumcised?'' So he asked the receptionist, "Is this question necessary?" She replied: "I'm sorry sir, but if you are circumcised you aren't eligible to run for election". He asked, "What possible difference would it make if I were circumcised?"
She replied "It's quite simple sir, to become a politician you have to be a complete prick."

 

[Tricky Dicky]

The strangest thing that happened to me when I worked at the United Nations was the time I got asked to get Kofi Annan a gram of cocaine.

I picked up the phone. "Kofi," I said, "right now the only one I can think of is 'oceanic'" (with a nod to the cryptic cave thread)

 

[Mrs Trellis]

I went to the doctors and asked what was the best exercise to lose weight.
The doctor said, "Just shake your head."
I asked him, "How often?"
He said, "Whenever someone offers you some food you fat c***!"

 

[GarDouth]

I was told my cat needed to be chipped.
I only had a 9 iron but I still got it over the shed.

 

[Mrs Trellis]

My wife and I walked past a swanky new restaurant last night.
"Did you smell that food?" she said.
"It was absolutely incredible, and it is our anniversary tomorrow" she added.
"f*** it," I thought. I'll treat her... So I walked her past it again!

 

[Maj]

I was told my cat needed to be chipped.
A week later my wood chipping still smell awful.

 

[legendrider]

Just bought one of those fancy electronic air fresheners for the loo.....

.... it has a motion sensor

 

[Mrs Trellis]

The other night my girlfriend and I had parked in a quiet road for a bit of fun when a policeman caught us...
He gave me a ticket for doing 69 in a 30mph zone!

 

[andys]

I get totally disorientated in those sort of positions - to me, they all seem arse about face.

 

[GarDouth]

I remember when I found my first grey pubic hair.
I never bought a kebab from there again.

 

[Tricky Dicky]

A pirate went to the GP and said "I've got moles on me back". The Dr replied "It's ok, they're benign". The pirate said "Count again, I think there be ten".

 

[Mrs Trellis]

Long queues at Sports shop in Scotland as Slovakia shirts go on sale

 

[hyweldavies]

A pirate went to the GP and said "I've got moles on me back". The Dr replied "It's ok, they're benign". The pirate said "Count again, I think there be ten".

First mate to the pirate captain:

"The men be ready cap'n"
"Aarrrr!"
"Sorry cap'n, the men ARE ready"

 

[Mrs Trellis]

A recent study has shown that women who carry extra weight tend to live longer than the men who mention it!

 

[Mrs Trellis]

New entry in the Uxbridge English Dictionary:-....................

Electile dysfunction - the inability to be aroused by any of the candidates standing for election.