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Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.

alanw

Well-known member
“Are there any accomplishments from your last job you're particularly proud of?”

“I'm responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbook”

“That's great! You wrote them?”

“That's not what I said…”
 

alanw

Well-known member
I originally posted this in reply to this headline seen on the Facebook group "Bad Caving Tips": "Region's potholes to be filled with HS2 cash".

A rough calculation. A £2 coin is approx 30mm x 2.5mm. In 1 litre you could stack 3 x 3 x 40 = 360. In 1 cubic metre you'd have 360 thousand. Gaping Gill main chamber has a volume of about 50 thousand cubic metres. Filling GG would cost 18000 million pounds, or 18 billion. The cost of HS2 could be up to 100 billion. (Yes, I know GG is in Yorkshire).
 

Mrs Trellis

Well-known member
A man walks into the Election Office and says to the receptionist, "I would like to put my name forward for the forthcoming elections to be an Independent candidate." The receptionist replied, "Certainly sir. Please fill in this form.'' He was filling the form in and he came to the question ''Are you circumcised?'' So he asked the receptionist, "Is this question necessary?" She replied: "I'm sorry sir, but if you are circumcised you aren't eligible to run for election". He asked, "What possible difference would it make if I were circumcised?"
She replied "It's quite simple sir, to become a politician you have to be a complete prick."
 

Tricky Dicky

Active member
The strangest thing that happened to me when I worked at the United Nations was the time I got asked to get Kofi Annan a gram of cocaine.

I picked up the phone. "Kofi," I said, "right now the only one I can think of is 'oceanic'" (with a nod to the cryptic cave thread)
 

Mrs Trellis

Well-known member
I went to the doctors and asked what was the best exercise to lose weight.
The doctor said, "Just shake your head."
I asked him, "How often?"
He said, "Whenever someone offers you some food you fat c***!"
 

Mrs Trellis

Well-known member
My wife and I walked past a swanky new restaurant last night.
"Did you smell that food?" she said.
"It was absolutely incredible, and it is our anniversary tomorrow" she added.
"f*** it," I thought. I'll treat her... So I walked her past it again!
 

Mrs Trellis

Well-known member
Long queues at Sports shop in Scotland as Slovakia shirts go on sale

0_Shops-open-again-in-Liverpool-after-the-LockdownPic-Andrew-Teebay.jpg
 
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