Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.

[Mrs Trellis]

My Mrs has just told me she has broken her satnav and wants £150 for a new one.

She can get lost!

 

[Mrs Trellis]

In this hot weather, I find the best way to keep cool is to strip off and stand in front of an open refrigerator…

Now I'm banned from Asda, Sainsbury's and Morrisons!

 

[GarDouth]

I've been prescribed some rare anti-gloating cream.
Can't wait to rub it in.

 

[Mrs Trellis]

I did a comedy gig in an old people's home...
None of them understood my jokes, but they all pissed themselves!

 

[Tricky Dicky]

I got a text from my boss today.

It said, "Send me one of your funny jokes."

I replied, "I can't I'm working."

"That's a belter, send me another.", he said.

 

[Mrs Trellis]

GBR claim gold in the men's eights rowing and in a break from royal tradition Queen Camilla will kiss the cox of the winning crew.

 

[legendrider]

Journalist: "What is it like living in Moscow?"

Yuri: "I can't complain"

 

[tony from suffolk]

 

[andys]

The adjective for metal is metallic, but not so for iron - which is ironic.

 

[legendrider]

What is the definition of a Mistress?

it's something between a Mister and a Mattress

 

[TheBitterEnd]

https://www.tiktok.com/video/7398215438271843589

 

[Mrs Trellis]

I saw a bloke get over by a mobile library, he was screaming in the road - the driver got out and told him to be quiet .

 

[andys]

“There are no words in the English language that have all the vowels, including the "y", in the correct alphabetical order! he said facetiously.

 

[Mrs Trellis]

If anyone wants any leaflets about the treatment of haemorrhoids, let me know…

I've got piles!

 

[legendrider]

Boots sales assistant: "Sir, may I ask what is your favourite grooming product?"

Shifty middle-aged guy in crumpled raincoat: "erm... Facebook"

 

[TheBitterEnd]

I've got some racing geese for sale
.
.
.
Let me know if you want a quick gander

 

[andys]

Anyone fancy a quick trip up to the international space station? We should be able to get there and back in a few days.

 

[Mrs Trellis]

Seeking one night stand.....
.......maybe 2 because I have two lamps.

 

[legendrider]

Our local cafe is advertising 'Oasis Soup' on its lunchtime specials board.

"What's 'Oasis Soup'?" I asked

"...you get a roll with it."

 

[GarDouth]

Today at the air port a man fainted on the luggage carousel.
He is slowly coming round.