Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.

[Mrs Trellis]

I saw a bloke sobbing uncontrollably at a graveside earlier today.
"Why did you have to die, why did you have to die?" he cried, over and over again.
I said, "I'm sorry to intrude, but was it someone very close?"
"No not really," he said. "It was the wife's first husband!"

 

[Mrs Trellis]

 

[Mrs Trellis]

 

[TheBitterEnd]

An old friend of mine always said "The first rule of theatre is to always leave them wanting more"
Great bloke... Terrible anaesthetist.

 

[Mrs Trellis]

 

[hoehlenforscher]

The older I get the more I regret all the people I've lost over the years

Maybe being a mountain guide wasn't the best career choice after all!

 

[Mrs Trellis]

Twitter is full of people who think they're worse off than everybody else.
You all need to be more like my mate Dave...
He had a bad car crash where he lost his vocal chords and both his legs.
You don't see him making a song and dance about it!

 

[Mrs Trellis]

I'm organising a charity event for people who never have orgasms…

Please let me know if you can't come!

 

[Mrs Trellis]

 

[Mrs Trellis]

 

[Cantclimbtom]

Not a joke, a real life incident, someone pulled out in front of me yesterday and cut really me up in a car that had the name of a dealership and big lettering saying "Courtesy Vehicle" not sure if it belongs in this joke thread but it also amused my ironic humour

 

[andys]

Not a joke, a real life incident, someone pulled out in front of me yesterday and cut really me up in a car that had the name of a dealership and big lettering saying "Courtesy Vehicle" not sure if it belongs in this joke thread but it also amused my ironic humour

I was once stuck behind a lorry with a sign that read "SLOW - RACE HORSES" and thought, who the f*ck is going to bet on one of them?

 

[Mrs Trellis]

I was once stuck behind a lorry with a sign that read "SLOW - RACE HORSES" and thought, who the f*ck is going to bet on one of them?

Loads of people. That's why bookies drive Rollers.

 

[Mrs Trellis]

Visited Ikea today and there was a fire drill...........

.....we all assembled in the car park.

 

[ChrisB]

Every female singer before 1983 was a pre-Madonna

 

[Mrs Trellis]

Helping patients staying alive.........

 

[Mrs Trellis]

 

[tony from suffolk]

I was in a restaurant last night and I ordered Napoleon chicken for the first time.
When It came there was no meat, just the carcass.
I said to the waitress, "what's this?”
She said, "It's the boney part…”

 

[hyweldavies]

Visited Ikea today and there was a fire drill...........

.....we all assembled in the car park.

I do wonder how they'd get everybody out in a fire at Ikea.

I have only once suffered a claustrophobic panic attack and that was in Ikea. Only just held it together to stop myself kicking the fire doors open (in retrospect I probably should have done) and ended up barging down the up escalator being glowered out whilst saying "I've got to get out!" I was apparently as white as a sheet when I got home and my Mrs said "You look terrible. What's the matter"

Darren Cilau, no problem. Even got semi blocked in in a dig once and it was no more than a mild nuisance for an hour. Ditto getting stuck in a squeeze whilst caving alone.

 

[Mrs Trellis]

I asked the chef at the seafood restaurant why octopus was off the menu.
He said, "It takes 4 hours to cook."
"Really?" I asked.
The chef replied, "Yes, it keeps turning the gas off!"