Mrs Trellis
Well-known member
The doctor told me I was going deaf.............
The news was hard to hear.
The news was hard to hear.
Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
- Thread starter Mrs Trellis
- Start date
Mrs Trellis
Well-known member
My children keep making a joke about my dementia.
Let's see how funny they think it is on Christmas morning
when there's no Easter eggs under the bonfire.
Let's see how funny they think it is on Christmas morning
when there's no Easter eggs under the bonfire.
Mrs Trellis
Well-known member
Please remember that wearing a condom doesn't guarantee safe sex.
My friend was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband.
My friend was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband.
Mrs Trellis
Well-known member
What are male porn stars paid?
Income!
Income!
andys
Well-known member
God made Adam perfect and gave him two of everything. Two ears, two eyes, two hands, two lungs, two kidneys and two hearts. But Adam was lonely so he said to God, “Can you make me a companion to love – you can have one of my hearts?”
“I can” said God “but it will be a surgical procedure so I will have to put you to sleep. Do you agree?”
Well, Adam did agree and God put him to sleep for a few minutes to carry out the work. When Adam woke back up, he felt the hollow in his chest, but he also felt the warmth of Eve snuggling up, naked, by his side which made him feel very happy indeed.
But when he rolled over to face Eve and get intimate with her, he realised that one of his cocks was missing too. “God, what have you done with my other cock?” he asked. “I’m so sorry” said God “but I needed that for another experiment I’m doing in Thailand”.
“I can” said God “but it will be a surgical procedure so I will have to put you to sleep. Do you agree?”
Well, Adam did agree and God put him to sleep for a few minutes to carry out the work. When Adam woke back up, he felt the hollow in his chest, but he also felt the warmth of Eve snuggling up, naked, by his side which made him feel very happy indeed.
But when he rolled over to face Eve and get intimate with her, he realised that one of his cocks was missing too. “God, what have you done with my other cock?” he asked. “I’m so sorry” said God “but I needed that for another experiment I’m doing in Thailand”.
Mrs Trellis
Well-known member
I'm having a garden sale tomorrow.
I've got 3 trampolines, 6 patio chairs and 4 fence panels.
New stuff arriving all the time in this wind!
I've got 3 trampolines, 6 patio chairs and 4 fence panels.
New stuff arriving all the time in this wind!
Mrs Trellis
Well-known member
I've been sacked from my job today at the calendar factory
All I did was take a day off.
All I did was take a day off.
TheBitterEnd
Well-known member
@andys 's joke above reminded me of this old one,
After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. So, how is everything going?" inquired God.
It's all so beautiful" she replied. "Everything is wonderful, but I have one problem. It's these breasts you've given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I'm constantly knocking them with my arms."
She went on to tell Him that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc .....she felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more"symmetrically balanced," as she put it.
"That is a fair point, but it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away." And He reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.
Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.
"Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?"
Just fantastic," she replied, "But for one oversight on your part. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone."
God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Now let's see ....
where did I put that useless tit?"
After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. So, how is everything going?" inquired God.
It's all so beautiful" she replied. "Everything is wonderful, but I have one problem. It's these breasts you've given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I'm constantly knocking them with my arms."
She went on to tell Him that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc .....she felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more"symmetrically balanced," as she put it.
"That is a fair point, but it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away." And He reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.
Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.
"Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?"
Just fantastic," she replied, "But for one oversight on your part. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone."
God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Now let's see ....
where did I put that useless tit?"
Mrs Trellis
Well-known member
We bought our dogs some glow-in-the-dark dog treats.
You should see their little faeces light up.
You should see their little faeces light up.
legendrider
Active member
At Teesside Crown Court today, a printer was found guilty of stealing all the Full Stops from his place of work.
The judge told him to expect a long sentence.
The judge told him to expect a long sentence.
hoehlenforscher
Active member
Someone just phoned, sneezed and hung up.
This is the fourth time this week and I’m really getting fed up with these cold-calls.
This is the fourth time this week and I’m really getting fed up with these cold-calls.
tony from suffolk
Well-known member
A woman answered her doorbell and found a policeman standing there. He said, "Ma'am, I have good news and bad news. And, also some more good news."
She cried, "Oh dear! I guess I'd better have the bad news first."
The officer said, "I'm very sorry to bring you this news, but your husband drowned today in a scuba diving accident."
She wailed, "Oh, how horrible!" She took a moment to compose herself, and then asked, "What's the good news?"
The cop said, "When we pulled him up, he had 12 or 13 big lobsters clinging to him, and we had a big seafood feast down at the police station!"
She said, "Oh, I see. But what is the other good news?"
He answered, "We're going to pull him up again tomorrow!"
She cried, "Oh dear! I guess I'd better have the bad news first."
The officer said, "I'm very sorry to bring you this news, but your husband drowned today in a scuba diving accident."
She wailed, "Oh, how horrible!" She took a moment to compose herself, and then asked, "What's the good news?"
The cop said, "When we pulled him up, he had 12 or 13 big lobsters clinging to him, and we had a big seafood feast down at the police station!"
She said, "Oh, I see. But what is the other good news?"
He answered, "We're going to pull him up again tomorrow!"
Mrs Trellis
Well-known member
We went to see a new band last night "Cat's Eyes" - they were middle-of-the-road.
legendrider
Active member
There once was a girl from Devizes
Whose breasts were of different sizes
One was so small
Hardly anything at all
But the other was big and won prizes!
Whose breasts were of different sizes
One was so small
Hardly anything at all
But the other was big and won prizes!
Mrs Trellis
Well-known member
Unisex:-
There once was a man from Devizes
Whose balls were two different sizes
One was small
and weighed nothing at all
The other was huge and won prizes!
There once was a man from Devizes
Whose balls were two different sizes
One was small
and weighed nothing at all
The other was huge and won prizes!
hoehlenforscher
Active member
There was a young man from Dundee
whose member hung to his knee
One day in the street
I nice girl he did meet
and he pole-vaulted over a tree
(All credit to Kingston University Caving Club drunken limerick competition 1990
)
whose member hung to his knee
One day in the street
I nice girl he did meet
and he pole-vaulted over a tree
(All credit to Kingston University Caving Club drunken limerick competition 1990
)
hoehlenforscher
Active member
Which reminds me that I also got a highly commended for an entry into a Farmers Weekly Limerick competition with the following (Only the first line was provided)
A farmer stood proud in his field
His glee it was barely concealed
‘Cos his bananas were growing
Although it was snowing
Ain‘t it grand what this GM can yield?
A farmer stood proud in his field
His glee it was barely concealed
‘Cos his bananas were growing
Although it was snowing
Ain‘t it grand what this GM can yield?