Author Topic: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.  (Read 1497860 times)

Offline andys

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7700 on: November 12, 2021, 11:37:16 am »
A scouser and a geordie go to a bakery. The scouser steals three buns and puts them into his pockets and sneaks out.

“That took great skill and guile to steal those buns." he said to the geordie "The owner didn’t even see me.”

“It’s just simple thievery,” the geordie replied. “I’ll show you how to do it the honest way - and get the same results.”

So the geordie called over the baker and says: “Sir, I want to show you a magic trick.” The baker was intrigued so he came over to see.

The geordie asked him for a bun and then he proceeded to eat it. He asked twice more and ate those too.  “Okay my friend," said the baker "but where’s the magic in that?”

So the geordie says “Look in the scouser’s pockets.”
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Offline GarDouth

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7701 on: November 12, 2021, 12:12:02 pm »
Can you take a skin graft from your bum and transplant it to someone who is not family?
Arse skin for a friend.
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Offline Mrs Trellis

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7702 on: November 13, 2021, 06:24:51 pm »
If Benny and Björn from ABBA had been called Steve and Dave, they would have been known as ASDA!
Mrs Trellis
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North Wales

Offline Mrs Trellis

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7703 on: November 16, 2021, 09:13:59 pm »
The Boss rang me this morning:-
Boss: Where are you?
Me: I'm on a train heading towards the south coast.
Boss: Why are you on a train heading to the south coast?
Me: When I finished work yesterday,  you told me to " Be in Brighton early tomorrow ".
Mrs Trellis
Upper Sheeps Bottom
North Wales

Offline GarDouth

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7704 on: November 17, 2021, 02:33:07 pm »
Porn gives young people an unrealistic and unhealthy idea of how quickly a plumber will come to your house.
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Offline andys

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7705 on: November 17, 2021, 04:34:36 pm »
A little boy asked his dad where poo came from. Well, the father was a little uncomfortable but had decided that honesty is the best policy and so he gave his lad a proper explanation.

By the time he had finished, his son's smile had completely gone and he just stared straight ahead for a while. Then he said "and Tigger??"
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Offline andys

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7706 on: November 19, 2021, 08:45:49 am »
I’ve been swapping the labels around on the wife’s spice jars. She may not have realised it yet, but mark my words, the thyme is cumin.
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Offline GarDouth

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7707 on: November 19, 2021, 10:56:59 am »
I learnt 2 new things today...
1st, if I put two Argos pencils together, they are the same size as my penis.
2nd, I can't shop in Argos anymore.
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Online tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7708 on: November 19, 2021, 11:49:10 am »
So my boiler broke yesterday & I had to get a man out, which begs the question; what the hell was he doing in my boiler?
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Online Fulk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7709 on: November 19, 2021, 06:12:15 pm »
Hi andys, I guess you weren't trying to curry favour with your wife, then – perhaps not a very sage thing to do.

Offline andys

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7710 on: November 20, 2021, 05:41:40 pm »
... she's called Rosemary and comes from Basle. She's a ginger and works at our local Mace. Jeera!  :)
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Online Fulk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7711 on: November 20, 2021, 10:43:17 pm »
Still . . . I imagine things might have been a bit chilly in your house over the last couple of days.

Offline Brains

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7712 on: November 20, 2021, 11:06:08 pm »
Puns just keep cumin...

Offline andys

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7713 on: November 21, 2021, 10:21:37 am »
Nah. We need to keep 'em at bay.
Plateaus are the highest form of flattery.

Offline RobinGriffiths

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7714 on: November 21, 2021, 01:54:23 pm »
It's all fenugreek to me.

Online tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7715 on: November 22, 2021, 11:09:34 am »
Waiter: "Do you have reservations?"
"Yes, but I've decided to throw caution to the wind and eat here anyway".
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline pwhole

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7716 on: November 22, 2021, 11:49:37 am »
Or in my case, live above them :'(

Online tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7717 on: November 23, 2021, 11:15:22 am »
A group of primary school infants, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Cheltenham races to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.

When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men’s toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding their willies to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one boy, she couldn’t help but notice he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to stare, the teacher said, “You must be in year four”
“No, madam,” he replied. “I’m riding Silver Arrow in the 2.15…”
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline bograt

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7718 on: November 23, 2021, 01:56:09 pm »
An old classic for the surrealists;

  What's the difference between a duck?



   One leg is both the same ----.
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Online alanw

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7719 on: November 23, 2021, 03:28:17 pm »
An old classic for the surrealists
...

And an up to date one (reposted from very silly pics)

Online alanw

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7720 on: November 23, 2021, 03:41:36 pm »
And another surreal captcha:

Offline aardgoose

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7721 on: November 24, 2021, 09:32:50 am »
My boss has announced that he is going to sack the person in the office with the worst posture.

I have a hunch it will be me.

Online Cantclimbtom

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7722 on: November 24, 2021, 09:45:45 am »
An old classic for the surrealists;

  What's the difference between a duck?



   One leg is both the same ----.
Dadaists, not surrealists. Sorry I couldn't restraint my inner pedant.
Expert in incompetent tomfoolery

Offline andys

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7723 on: November 24, 2021, 01:16:55 pm »
Went for a long run today but forgot to put the apple in my packed lunch. It was a fruitless exercise.
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Online tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7724 on: Today at 07:45:22 am »
My Grandad was highly decorated in World War Two.
in fact, many people believe it was the tinsel on his helmet that got him shot.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

 

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