Author Topic: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.  (Read 1516546 times)

Offline Mrs Trellis

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7775 on: December 31, 2021, 05:38:10 pm »
I plead senility.

Guilty as charged.

Anyway I had a visit from the filth today, they found this in my washing machine:-


....and they suspect me of money laundering.
Mrs Trellis
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Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7776 on: December 31, 2021, 11:17:39 pm »
A man walks into an enchanted forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can’t cut me down,” the tree exclaims, “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7777 on: January 01, 2022, 12:09:42 pm »
I'll never forget my Grandad coming home from the war with one leg.  We never did find out who it belonged to.
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Offline Mrs Trellis

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7778 on: January 01, 2022, 01:22:13 pm »
I've found a way of re-using lateral flow test kits. Simply insert a used swab where the sun doesn't shine, rotate five times and sniff. If you can smell something you haven't got Covid.
Mrs Trellis
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Offline andys

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7779 on: January 01, 2022, 02:25:49 pm »
Asking for a friend: how do you get a sheep's poo out of your wellington without removing either your leg or its?
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Offline paul

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7780 on: January 01, 2022, 11:11:04 pm »
.
I'm not a complete idiot: some parts are missing!

Offline nickwilliams

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7781 on: January 01, 2022, 11:52:14 pm »

Anyway I had a visit from the filth today, they found this in my washing machine:-


....and they suspect me of money laundering.

You might want to turn that coin over and see what's on the back: if there is no year on it, it's worth about £100.
"Economics is simply the branch of sociology that deals with people trading items and the fact that they use more numbers does not make it anymore of a science."

Offline al

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7782 on: January 02, 2022, 10:00:06 am »
Bloke sitting watching telly says to his wife, "Get us a can o'beer luv, it'll be starting soon". She gets him a can of beer and he continues wtaching TV. A while later, he pipes up, "Get us another can luv, it'll be starting any minute". She goes and gets him more beer, and, when she hands it to him, she says, "If you think you can just bloody sit there watching TV while I traipse back and fore getting you beer, you've got another think coming". Bloke says, "Oh shit, it's started already ....".
Old ... but not old enough to know any better

Offline Mrs Trellis

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7783 on: January 02, 2022, 11:19:09 am »
I've realised the problem isn't what I eat between Christmas and New Year…

It's what I eat between New Year and Christmas!
Mrs Trellis
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North Wales

Offline Mrs Trellis

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7784 on: January 02, 2022, 01:07:03 pm »
Quote from: nickwilliams

You might want to turn that coin over and see what's on the back: if there is no year on it, it's worth about £100.

Yes - I made a new batch the other day.
Mrs Trellis
Upper Sheeps Bottom
North Wales

Offline pwhole

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7785 on: January 02, 2022, 05:36:36 pm »
I just spent a day turning over all my saved 20ps, but still found none with no date, and my regular day-rate is £150. Who do I invoice? :)

Offline Mrs Trellis

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7786 on: January 03, 2022, 09:37:17 am »
I just spent a day turning over all my saved 20ps, but still found none with no date, and my regular day-rate is £150. Who do I invoice? :)

Nick Williams - he's just won a £500 bet that some numpty on here would spend a whole day turning a stash of 20p pieces over.
Mrs Trellis
Upper Sheeps Bottom
North Wales

Offline Laurie

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7787 on: January 05, 2022, 05:05:03 pm »
I've found a way of re-using lateral flow test kits. Simply insert a used swab where the sun doesn't shine, rotate five times and sniff. If you can smell something you haven't got Covid.
I had Covid in March 2020 and I still can't smell anything.  >:(
MNRC

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7788 on: January 06, 2022, 08:07:57 am »
"My parents sacrificed a lot to allow me to go to university."
"Why, were they poor?"
"No, they were Druids"
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Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7789 on: January 07, 2022, 09:27:30 am »
A very pretty young speech therapist was getting nowhere with her Stammerers Action group. She had tried every technique in the book without the slightest success.
Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said "If any of you can tell me the name of the town where you were born, without stuttering, I will make passionate love to you . So, who wants to go first ?"
"The Englishman piped up. “B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham”, he said.
“That’s no use, Trevor” said the speech therapist, “Who’s next ?”
The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out “P-p-p-p-p-p-p-aisley”.
"That’s no better. There’ll be no lovemaking for you I’m afraid, Hamish.
How about you, Paddy ?"
The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out " London ".
"Brilliant, Paddy!" said the speech therapist and immediately set about living up to her promise.
After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy lovemaking, the couple paused for breath and Paddy said
“-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry”.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline GarDouth

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7790 on: January 07, 2022, 09:58:28 am »
Two goldfish go into a bar and the barman says;
"So guys, why the long faeces?"
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Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7791 on: January 09, 2022, 08:28:08 am »
It's been confirmed a person down south has contracted bird flu.
Time to sign up for the rooster jab.
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Offline pwhole

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7792 on: January 09, 2022, 11:57:07 am »
The guy was living with 20 ducks in his house, and had another 100 outside in his yard. I'm resisting the obvious one.

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7793 on: January 10, 2022, 02:58:39 pm »
My friend said: "Do you know that hippopotamuses kill more people every year than guns?"

"Yes," I replied, "but a gun is easier to conceal."
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline Mrs Trellis

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7794 on: January 10, 2022, 06:40:41 pm »
Mate of mine is concerned his wife keeps looking through the window. He said if it gets any colder he may have to let her in the house
Mrs Trellis
Upper Sheeps Bottom
North Wales

Offline Roger W

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7795 on: January 11, 2022, 08:16:12 pm »
My daughter has just phoned with the latest on Covid.

It seems they have identified what they have named the Pi variant.

Apparently it has been found in Melton Mobray.

So far there have been 3.14159 cases reported.
"That, of course, is the dangerous part about caves:  you don't know how far they go back, sometimes... or what is waiting for you inside."   JRR Tolkein: "The Hobbit"

Offline Mrs Trellis

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7796 on: January 12, 2022, 10:16:27 am »
Archaeologists working on the HS2 route have found evidence of an ancient settlement, thought to be the home of the original team of builders who started work on the line back in 43AD.
Mrs Trellis
Upper Sheeps Bottom
North Wales

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7797 on: January 12, 2022, 06:45:59 pm »
Someone asked me to take part in a five-mile run. I instantly refused. But then I was told that it's for the blind and the disabled - and now I'm thinking there's a good chance I could win it!
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline andys

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7798 on: January 13, 2022, 05:40:11 pm »
Hmmmmm! Do we now have a new celeb who goes by the monika "Formerly known as Prince"?
Plateaus are the highest form of flattery.

Offline GarDouth

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7799 on: January 14, 2022, 10:57:53 am »
According to a letter in my neighbour's wheelie bin I'm a stalker.
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