Author Topic: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.  (Read 1481577 times)

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7625 on: September 30, 2021, 02:06:01 pm »
Hello! Gordon’s Pizza?”
“No sir, it’s Google’s Pizza”
“Sorry, I must have a wrong number”
“No sir, Google bought the pizza shop”
“OK. Here’s my order…”
"No problem sir, you want the usual?”
“The usual? How would you know? …you’re under new management…”
“According to our caller ID, on the last 12 occasions you ordered pizza with cheese, Sausage, thick crust…”
“Right…”
“…May I suggest this time you have ricotta, aragula and dried tomato?”
“No, I hate vegetables”
“But what about your high cholesterol?”
“My high cholesterol? How would you know?”
“Through the Subscribers Guide. We have the results of your blood
tests for the last 7 years”
“I don’t care, I already take medicine. Give me my usual”
“But you haven’t been taking your medicine. You last purchased a box of 30 and that was 4 months ago at Drugsale Network”
“I bought more from another drugstore”
“It’s not showing on your credit card…”
“I paid in cash”
“But you didn’t withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement”
I have another source of cash”
“It’s not showing on your last Tax Return, unless you got it from an undeclared income source…”
“Go to HELL! No more Google, Facebook, twitter, WhatsApp or bloody pizza! I’m going to a deserted island with no Internet, no cell phones and no one to spy on me!”
“I understand sir, but you will need to renew your passport, your old one expired 5 weeks ago…”
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7626 on: September 30, 2021, 09:24:31 pm »
I walked into a car showroom last night.
I said to the salesman, "My wife would like to talk to you about the Volkswagen Golf in the showroom window."
He said, "We don’t have a Volkswagen Golf in the window."
I said, “You do now!"
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7627 on: October 02, 2021, 02:05:50 pm »
BBC News: “Princess Beatrice and husband name baby daughter”

Well that’s not very imaginative; I hope it’s a girl.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline andys

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7628 on: October 03, 2021, 01:43:48 pm »
Its been months since I put my order in for the new book "How to Scam People Online". It still hasn't arrived.
Plateaus are the highest form of flattery.

Offline Mrs Trellis

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7629 on: October 05, 2021, 10:51:19 am »
When Facebook et al. went down a friend started talking to his wife. He found out she no longer works at Woolworths.
Mrs Trellis
Upper Sheeps Bottom
North Wales

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7630 on: October 05, 2021, 11:57:22 am »
My mother-in-law cooked us a roast dinner on Sunday.

She asked me how many potatoes I’d like.

“Oh, just the one please…”, I said.
“Ooh”, she said “You don’t have to be polite”
“Oh, OK, just the one please you miserable old cow”.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7631 on: October 05, 2021, 11:59:32 am »
"A country can be judged by the quality of its proverbs." -- German Proverb.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline GarDouth

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7632 on: October 05, 2021, 11:25:22 pm »
Just finished my first shift in Facebooks IT department. Went rather well I thought.
CNCC webmaster
Hidden Earth lecture secretary & webmaster
York Caving Club secretary

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7633 on: October 07, 2021, 11:23:47 am »
I’ve put all my dogging stuff on eBay. It hasn’t sold yet but I’ve got 35 people watching.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline Paul Marvin

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7634 on: October 07, 2021, 05:05:09 pm »
Oh Dear !   :o  :(  :lol:
I dont know where I am going, but will know where I am when I get there.

Offline Roger W

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7635 on: October 07, 2021, 05:37:56 pm »
"You sure there's a way through under here?  It's a bit tight!"
"That, of course, is the dangerous part about caves:  you don't know how far they go back, sometimes... or what is waiting for you inside."   JRR Tolkein: "The Hobbit"

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7636 on: October 08, 2021, 08:57:49 am »
"I'm going shopping, do you need anything?"
"I'm looking for inner peace and happiness, an answer to my doubts, a sense of fulfilment, a medium through which I can transcend consciousness and reach true spirituality and calmness..."
"Can you just be specific... Smirnoff or Absolut?"
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline andys

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7637 on: October 09, 2021, 03:29:33 pm »
Today, I gave our postman an almighty shock by opening the door completely naked.
I’m not sure what surprised him most: my nudity, or the fact that I know where he lives.
Plateaus are the highest form of flattery.

Offline Mrs Trellis

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7638 on: October 10, 2021, 09:10:22 am »
Q. What Roy Orbison's dad called?
A.  Roy Orbi
Mrs Trellis
Upper Sheeps Bottom
North Wales

Offline Laurie

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7639 on: October 10, 2021, 11:35:02 am »
I once lived a stone's throw away from a familiy who died from mysterious head injuries.
MNRC

Offline Mrs Trellis

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7640 on: October 10, 2021, 08:42:04 pm »
Every marriage has three rings:-

Engagement ring

Wedding ring

Suffe ring

Mrs Trellis
Upper Sheeps Bottom
North Wales

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7641 on: October 13, 2021, 12:12:38 pm »
Tip for mobile phone users: You can double the battery life of your phone by simply putting the bloody thing down every now and then.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7642 on: October 13, 2021, 02:02:21 pm »
I said to the checkout girl, "Has anyone told you how beautiful you are today"...?
She smiled, "No, they haven't"...
I said, "Well, there's always tomorrow"...
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7643 on: October 14, 2021, 05:29:14 am »
I went to a really trendy nightclub the other night.
The doorman said to me: "Sorry mate, I can’t let you in, you've had too many!"
I said: "What, drinks?"
He said: "No, birthdays".
😐
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline paul

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7644 on: October 14, 2021, 08:54:25 am »
Not quite a joke, but this description of a camper van for sale on ebay (now sold! and nothing to do with me, I saw this on another website): https://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/Bedford-CF-Motorhome-a-reminder-of-some-terrible-life-choices-/265345781696?hash=item3dc7d74fc0%3Ag%3AWicAAOSwKQZhRbaP&nma=true&si=PwWDPse3dvESAUxYrr5JwCHyG8A%253D&orig_cvip=true&nordt=true&rt=nc&_trksid=p2047675.l2557

Quote
Well, well, well. Where do I start with this?

Up for sale is my 1984 Bedford CF camper van. A perfect restoration candidate for another coerced partner, or sadist.

I never wanted a campervan, my now ex girlfriend did. So we comprised and purchased a camper, without ever laying eyes on it first might I add. It was intended to be a "joint" project which in reality turned into her standing round for half a day complaining about the shed we'd brought, and the remainder of the time on my back about how long it was taking to transform it into her "perfect tranquil cabin on wheels". Yikes.

Fast forward a few months and she decided to up and leave (probably for a man with a much more impressive motorhome than mine) leaving only behind this sad slab of misery on wheels. Apart from being an eyesore and driving down local property prices, it serves as a personal reminder that the last few years of my life have truly and utterly been a waste.

As you can probably tell by this point I'm eager to get this thing off of my drive and draw a line under this turbulent chapter. So without further ado here's a little more about the van.

The Good:

-It's rock solid underneath.
-The wooded frame of the living area has been totally rebuilt, as it had signs of rot from previous leaking.
-It's been sealed and doesn't leak anymore.
-It's been fully insulated with a moisture barrier too.
-The brakes worked well (I can't vouch for this now but I can't see any reason why they wouldn't be.
-It comes with everything you need to make this your own "perfect tranquil cabin on wheels" (eugh, that description will haunt me eternally) This includes loads of wiring tackle, 240v hook up, battery charger, circuit boards,  isolator switches, fuseboxes and a whole load of other crap. Bathroom fixtures and fittings including the worlds most expensive bog, taps, shower and shower tray, 2 water tanks (one for clean water and one for waste), water pump, water filter, cladding to finish off the bathroom wall and some form of water heater/boiler. It comes with cooker with hobs and a fridge, although I'm unsure if these work as they came with the van and I haven't ever got around to testing them, although I can't see why they wouldn't work.
-All in all everything you need to complete the van is there.

The Bad:

-It's unfinished.
-Theres some bubbling to one of the wings, I can't remember which side and it's too cold to go out and check.
-It doesn't run anymore, I stole the coil and leads to fix something else that I actually cared about, replace these and a see no reason why it won't fire straight back up.
-It needs body work and paint, it has previously been brush painted and has an incomplete repair on the rear but believe me the brush painting is probably the least of your concerns.
-It's profoundly ugly.
-It taunts me daily of my past failures and lost love.

The Ugly:

-See above.

If you've made it this far you are probably mentally unwell or still being forced into making a perfect love den for those romantic weekend getaways, either way I applaud the dedication. If you do decide to bid on it and God forbid you actually win, you will have to get it transported or collect it yourself as I have neither the time, the means or the will to deliver it for you. I will do my best to answer any serious queries, but if you ask me about the flow rate of the shower for example; I probably won't. Its not perfect (far from it) nor road ready so don't expect it to be and you won't be disappointed, it's a cheap project and a good way to break into the world of motorhome owning. I'm just trying to get a little money back so I can go on a heavy night of drinking, perhaps visit a lady of the night depending on how well the auction goes and then close this awful chapter of my life.


Happy bidding and good luck (God knows you're gonna need it)
 
I'm not a complete idiot: some parts are missing!

Offline Mark Wright

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7645 on: October 16, 2021, 11:50:27 am »
Anybody interested in a free ride in a helicopter, flight for 4 people. I'm still looking for 2 more people to join Angela and me for my birthday.

We leave early Friday (October 29th) morning from the park in Oughtibridge (Sheffield) and will fly to Poole (Dorset), where we will have breakfast and then on a super yacht for lunch. Then we’ll do a flight to Jersey and returning to Poole for dinner, then fly back home.

If interested please pm me..

Preferably someone with a helicopter and a super yacht, otherwise we can't go...

Mark

Offline Mrs Trellis

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7646 on: October 17, 2021, 09:32:07 am »
Today I'm starting diarrhoea awareness week...

Runs until next Saturday!
Mrs Trellis
Upper Sheeps Bottom
North Wales

Offline Laurie

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7647 on: October 17, 2021, 11:20:52 am »
Is the 'o' optional?
MNRC

Offline Mrs Trellis

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7648 on: Yesterday at 11:51:06 am »
It's the UK spelling - the US spelling normally omits the "o". The SMG is διάρροια / *DheeAria. *Dh as the welsh "dd" or the English "th" in "this"or "that" but not as in "thin"
« Last Edit: Yesterday at 12:16:32 pm by Mrs Trellis »
Mrs Trellis
Upper Sheeps Bottom
North Wales

Offline Mrs Trellis

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7649 on: Yesterday at 11:52:08 am »
Back to the joke:-

When I was little we were so poor that on my 6th birthday my mum put 3 candles on a cake and put it in front of a mirror!
Mrs Trellis
Upper Sheeps Bottom
North Wales

 

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