UK Caving

OTHER STUFF => Idle Chat => Topic started by: Mrs Trellis on October 14, 2005, 12:41:14 pm

Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Mrs Trellis on October 14, 2005, 12:41:14 pm
A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.
"You know what?" says the 7 year old, "I think it's about time we started swearing."
The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
The 7 year old says "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to swear first, then you swear after me, OK?"
"Ok"  the 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast.

"Oh, shit Mum, I s'pose I'll have some Coco Pops"

WHACK!! - He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out. She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice,:-

"And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"

I don't know, Mum" he blubbers,"but it won't be fucking Coco Pops."
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: AndyF on October 14, 2005, 01:06:06 pm
Two eggs in a frying pan.

first one says "It's hot in here"

other one says "Holy crap, a talking egg!!"
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Mr Fell on October 14, 2005, 06:35:22 pm
Anybody fancy a cheap night out - tickets for the two Ronnies - half price.
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Dave H on October 15, 2005, 10:58:20 pm
Elton John was going to play a tribute song at Ronnie Barkers funeral - four candles in the wind!
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Mr Fell on October 20, 2005, 06:01:41 pm
It`s Friday tomorrow - with the prospect of beer and caves over the weekend - dont forget the Friday joke - rude or otherwise. I would oblige but have not been told any recently. That Wolfart has loads of gags - all non PC.
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: andymorgan on October 21, 2005, 12:44:17 pm
I came home the other night and the wife said

'have you seen my flip-flops?'

I said
 'I've seen them before, now put your bra back on'
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Mr Fell on October 21, 2005, 05:41:38 pm
:P Ha Ha good one !
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Slug on October 21, 2005, 06:05:18 pm
Novice Nun: "Mother Superior, I've been told that there's a dozen cases of Syphylis in the vilage".  
 
 Mother Superior: " Thank God for that,,I'm getting Pissed off with this bloody Beaujolais".
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Mr Fell on October 21, 2005, 06:07:36 pm
Q What is the difference between Arthur Scargill and Michael Jackson?

A Arthur Scargill has not seen a miners helmet for years ! ?
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Wolfart on October 21, 2005, 08:17:21 pm
ANYONE GOT ANY TRAFALGER OR NELSON JOKES? JUST SO I CAN WIND UP THE WOODWORK TEACHER AT SCHOOL COS HE'S A STAUNCH PATRIOT AND WILL BE SPENDING THE NIGHT AT THE VICTORY INN AT HEREFORD
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Brains on October 21, 2005, 08:27:29 pm
http://www.thehumorarchives.com/humor/0001076.html
Try him with this one, although it doesnt really sound like the Admiral to me...
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Anon on October 21, 2005, 08:33:57 pm
Quote
Try him with this one, although it doesnt really sound like the Admiral to me...
You just beat me to it on that joke! :D
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Slug on October 28, 2005, 11:41:49 am
William Shakespear walks into a Pub and says, " Can I have a pint please",
 
 The landlord says " No. You're Bard "
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: pisshead on October 28, 2005, 11:49:04 am
that is terrible! :D

what do you call a man with no shins?

Tony
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: wallop on October 28, 2005, 12:04:28 pm
Thats bad!!!
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Billy Butcombe on October 28, 2005, 01:11:48 pm
This bloke phones the council and says `Can I have a skip outside my house'. The guy on the other end says `Sure - you can dance skip hop anything' :P
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Billy Butcombe on October 28, 2005, 01:12:39 pm
Going to rain on Sun - drat no caving  :evil:
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: wallop on October 28, 2005, 02:17:11 pm
Good try!!  :lol:  :lol:  :lol:
Where did you get that joke from?
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Billy Butcombe on October 28, 2005, 03:34:57 pm
Joke came from a student we have doing a placement :lol: No caving came from the met office website :twisted:  :evil: When I get myself into gear I can usually dredge up a good few jokes but not all are PC. :lol:
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Mr Fell on October 28, 2005, 06:20:02 pm
Ah ha - Mr Butcome I presume - the co conspiritor in the disproportionate consumption of the cubic foot of Merlot no less! I can vouch for the shocking nature of your jokes - quite clean that one by your own standards ! :lol:
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Cap'n Chris on October 28, 2005, 11:49:06 pm
What's blue and f**ks old women?....
















Me, in my lucky blue coat!
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Mr Fell on October 29, 2005, 08:03:40 am
Q. What is long, thin, covered in skin; red in parts, and is shoved in tarts?

A. Rhubabarb ! :lol:
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Mr Fell on October 30, 2005, 01:04:11 pm
A jumbo jet is just coming into the Tampa Airport on its final approach.

The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Tampa. I want to thank you for flying with us today and I hope you enjoy your stay in Tampa Bay."

He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit. The copilot says to the pilot, "Well, skipper, whatcha gonna do in Tampa?"

“Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a big crap.... then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge chest out for dinner..... Then I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and make love to her big time all night."

Everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisle trying to get a look at the new stewardess. Meanwhile the new stewardess is at the very back of the plane. She's so embarrassed that she starts to run to try and get to the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes.

The old lady leans over and says: "No need to hurry, dear. He's gotta take a crap first."
 :lol:
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Mrs Trellis on November 01, 2005, 02:45:01 pm
But not as bas as :-

What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?

Cliff
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Mr Fell on November 01, 2005, 05:55:15 pm
The world's foremost authority on wasps is walking down the street when he sees an LP record in the window of a charity shop 'Wasp noises from around the world'. Intrigued, he goes into the shop and asks if he can listen to it.
 

"Certainly," says the shop assistant and pops it onto his turntable. After listening to the first track for a while, the world's foremost authority on wasps is a bit confused.

 

"I don't recognise any of these noises, and I'm the world's foremost authority on wasps! Can you play the next track please?"

 

The assistant obliges and skips the needle onto the next track. After a while, the world's foremost authority on wasps is still confused.

 

"No, I still don't recognise any of these wasps. Can you try the next track?"

 

The assistant skips the needle on, and the world's foremost authority on wasps listens for a little while longer before shaking his head.

 

"It's no good. I just don't recognise any of these wasps"

 

The assistant peers at the label of the record and says "Oh, I'm terribly sorry. I had it on the bee side"

 
 :roll:
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Wolfart on November 01, 2005, 07:08:18 pm
The wife wanted a Bidet for her birthday and said she would like a new shower unit installed as the old one was outdated.decided to fit shower unit and told her to stand on her head in it (visual joke) :twisted:
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Billy Butcombe on November 02, 2005, 12:11:12 pm
Q - Whats the difference between Tony Bliar and the Crazey Frog?

A - One is an annoying sh*t - the other is a ringtone !
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: wallop on November 07, 2005, 03:27:59 pm
4 people in the carriage of a train - an  Englishman, a pretty young
 blonde girl, an ugly old woman and a  Frenchman.

It all goes dark when the train goes through a tunnel. In the  dark
there's the sound of an almighty slap, and when the train emerges from
the tunnel the Frenchman is rubbing his face, and there's a huge red
mark on his  cheek.

The old lady thinks "I bet that Frenchman fondled the blonde in the
dark and she slapped him"

The pretty young  blonde thinks "I bet the Frenchman tried to fondle me
in the dark, got the old lady by mistake, and she hit him"

The Frenchman thinks "I bet that Englishman fondled the blonde in the
dark, but the blonde thought it was me and hit me"

the Englishman thinks "I hope there's another tunnel coming up soon so
I can slap that French tw*t again" :lol:
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: wallop on November 07, 2005, 03:32:03 pm
A man goes to a zoo,

but when he arrives there,

there's only a dog...




 

it was a shitzu

 :wink:  :wink:
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: AndyF on November 07, 2005, 05:24:36 pm
Quote from: "wallop"
4 people in the carriage of a train....

 
That was quality.....:D
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Mr Fell on November 07, 2005, 06:20:13 pm
Yes a good one that ! Liked the zoo one to ! :lol:
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Brendan on November 10, 2005, 03:27:33 pm
whats green and eats nuts

Syphilis
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Brendan on November 10, 2005, 03:28:49 pm
whats blue and f$%ks old women?













Hypothermia
Aha - you thought it was the same one as before!
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Mr Fell on November 10, 2005, 05:54:57 pm
Q. What has a hundred balls and f***s ducks.

A.A shotgun. :P
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Billy Butcombe on November 11, 2005, 10:37:22 am
After numerous rounds of: "We don't even know if Osama is still alive,"
on Fox TV News, Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in
his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.

Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line of
coded message:

370HSSV-0773H


Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her aides
had not a clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No one could solve
it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA.

Eventually they asked Britain's MI-6 for help. Within a minute, MI-6
cabled the White House with this reply:












"Tell the President he's holding the message upside down."

 :wink:
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Slug on November 11, 2005, 04:02:38 pm
They sat that for every Cat Lover, there's at least One, possably Two Cat haters..........with this in mind......Log on to this If You dare,,,,,,and are NOT easily offended.....


Sick Bastards Only!!!!!!!

  www.richsalter.btinternet.co.uk/cks2/.index.html      

 Dont Say You Wer'nt warned
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: graham on November 11, 2005, 05:57:26 pm
Subject: Blunkett's Resignation
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > David Blunkett has released the following statement:
> >
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> > .... . ..... . ... .... ... . . .... ....... . ...... .. ... . . ......
> > ..... . ...... . . . ......... .. . . ..... . ........ .. .... . .......
> > ...... .. . .... ... ....... .... .. ... ... ... . ... . . . . ........
> > . .
> > . ...... . . . ...... .. ... ..... .. ... .... .. ... .. ... .. . ... ..
> > .... ... .. .... .. . . . ..... .. . ... . .. .. . . . . ..... . . . . .
> > .
> > ... . ... . . . . . . . . . .. .... . . . . . . ...... ... . .... .
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> > ..... . ...... . . . ......... .. . . ..... . ........ .. .... . .......
> > ...... .. . .... ... ....... .... .. ... ... ... . ... . . . . ........
> > . .
> > . ...... . . . ...... .. ... ..... .. ... .... .. ... .. ... .. . ... ..
> > .... ... .. .... .. . . . ..... .. . ... . .. .. . . . . ..... . . . . .
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Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Mr Fell on November 11, 2005, 06:53:20 pm
Sick Bastards Only!!!!!!!

Gave me paws for thought that one  :lol:
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Slug on November 11, 2005, 06:57:43 pm
Oh yes Mr.F,,,,but how many did You get? 8)
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Mr Fell on November 12, 2005, 07:59:28 am
10 out of 10 - but it tells everybody that! :shock:
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: wallop on November 17, 2005, 08:36:44 am
While I was driving down the M4 the other day, (going a little faster than
I should have been) I passed under a bridge only to see a policeman on the
other side with a radar gun, laying in wait.



 The policeman pulled me over, walked up to the car and, with that
classic, patronising smirk, asked:

 "Runway too short?"

 To which I replied, "I'm late for work."

 To which he asked, "What do you do?"

 "I'm a rectum stretcher," I responded.

 The policeman was surprised and confused. "A what? A rectum stretcher??

 And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

 "Well," I said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up
to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in, work
side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely
stretch the hole, until it's about 6 feet."

Then the policeman asked questioningly and cautiously, "And just what do
you do with a six-foot arsehole?"

 To which I politely replied, "You give it a radar gun and park it behind
a bridge..."

 Speeding ticket: £105.00

Court costs: £45

 Look on copper's face: Priceless.... ££££££££ :lol:  :lol:  :lol:
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: graham on November 17, 2005, 10:18:34 am
IKEA are now selling their new range of easy to assemble LESBIAN BEDS – There's no screwing involved, just tongue in groove
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: wallop on November 17, 2005, 10:40:24 am
HAHAHA VERY GOOD. :lol:  :lol:
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: wallop on November 17, 2005, 10:48:06 am
One day a guy walks into a bar. The bartender says "if you can make that horse over there laugh you can have free drinks for the rest of the night".

So he says "ok" and walks over to the horse and whispers something in his ear and he starts laughing and the bartender gives him free drinks for the rest of the night.

The next night the same guy comes back in and the bartender says "if you can make that horse over there cry i will give you free drinks for the rest of the night.

So he walks over there and does something and the horse starts crying, and the bartender gives him free drinks. Then the bartender asks what the man did to make the horse laugh and what he did to make him cry.

The man says "To make him laugh I told him I had a bigger dick than he does and to make him cry I showed him".
 :shock:  :shock:  :shock:  :lol:
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Brendan on November 18, 2005, 10:03:40 am
What do you call a Smartie with an erection?

A drawing pin
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: andymorgan on November 18, 2005, 12:57:54 pm
What's pink and hard?


The Financial Times crossword
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Slug on November 18, 2005, 02:23:33 pm
What does a Polish man give his bride on Her wedding day thats both Long and Hard.










His Surname :lol:
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: andymorgan on November 18, 2005, 02:41:09 pm
What do you call a woman who eats lots of beans?


Gail
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Mr Fell on November 19, 2005, 08:12:55 am
Q. Whats long and thin, covered in skin. Red in parts and shoved in tarts?

A. Rhubarb !!   :lol:
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Brains on November 19, 2005, 03:58:36 pm
Two parrots sitting on a perch, one says to the other "can you smell fish?"

Two goldfish in a tank, one says to the other, "You drive, I will sort the gunnery"

Two fish swimming around and bump into a wall, "Damn!!"



Sorry! :oops:
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: tubby two on November 21, 2005, 10:38:10 pm
Ha ha ha! Two parrots on a perch- brilliant! thats got to be my new favourite joke! It's even bumped this ol' classic into second place-

"Did you hear about the magic tractor?....


... It turned into a field".

tt.

(sorry folks, thats about the level of my humour).
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: wallop on November 22, 2005, 09:26:00 am
A  beautiful woman was walking down the street when
she was approached by a
man.

The man said, "You are perfection, I must have you
right now!

I'll drop £500 on  the ground at your feet

and in the time it takes for you to pick it up I can
have had my way with

you roughly from behind!"

The woman thought it over  and told the man to wait a
minute.

She called her friend on her mobile phone and  told
her about the man's
proposition.

Her girlfriend said, "He's  an idiot,

take it cos when he drops the £500 on the ground I'm
sure you can pick it

up and run before he even gets his pants down."

Call me back and tell me  what happened." The friend
says.

An hour and a half later the   lady had still not
called back

so her friend called her,

"Well? What  happened?" the friend asked.

The lady said,  


"The b@stard  had it in 50p's" :oops:  :oops:  :shock:
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Mrs Trellis on November 22, 2005, 10:05:11 am
Paddy's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a deep coma.

After being in the coma for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that
she is no longer pregnant; frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins!..... A boy and a girl.

The babies are fine now however they were poorly at birth and had to be
christened immediately - your brother came in and named them.

The woman thinks to herself, "Oh suffering Jesus no, not me brother...he's a fecking, clueless, gob****e!"

Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's my daughter's name?"
"Denise," says the doctor.

The new mother is somewhat relieved "Wow, that's a beautiful name, I guess I was wrong about my brother....I like Denise."


Then she asks, "What's the boy's name?"

























"Denephew''
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Brains on November 22, 2005, 11:24:17 am
What do you call Bambi with his eyes poked out?
No eye deer...
And if you cut his legs off?
Still no eye deer...
And then it turns out he was the love child of a sheep?
Still no eye deer ewe bastard!


BTW, wht did the pervert cross the road?











Couldnt get his dick out of the chicken :shock:
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: AndyF on November 22, 2005, 02:13:05 pm
What's brown and sticky...











A stick
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: AndyF on November 22, 2005, 02:17:00 pm
How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two, but god knows how they got in there...



How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?

They can't do it, it's a hardware problem...


How many Miscrosoft salesmen does it take to change a light bulb..?

They can't do it right now, it'll be fixed on the next release....
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Brains on November 22, 2005, 02:31:18 pm
This works better after 10 pints of [insert alcoholic drink of choice]....

Why is a snake called a snake?
Because of its inherrent snake like properties...


How many social workers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only 1 but the bulb has to really want to change....

Whats the difference between a Rotweiler and a social worker?
With luck you will get your children back from a rotweiler...




What comes steaming out of Cows backwards?

The Isle of Wight ferry...
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Limestone_Cowboy on November 22, 2005, 02:52:04 pm
Whats blue and square?





An orange in disguise! :roll:
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Brendan on November 22, 2005, 03:42:00 pm
Whats the difference between a midwife and a walrus?





Ones ugly and smells of fish,and the other one is a walrus
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Wolfart on November 22, 2005, 05:56:51 pm
JUST FOUND THIS ON THE NSS SITE.It's a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand (and two feet), grunting and pounding his chest with the free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow.

The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along. She does and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall, she does, and Mr. Gorilla is just about to tear the bars down. Now try lifting your dress up your thighs... this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy. Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and says,

"Now, tell HIM you have a headache".

 :lol:  :lol:
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Brains on November 24, 2005, 08:23:02 pm
What is yellow and runs off a 13Amp plug?


































George Best
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Billy Butcombe on November 25, 2005, 09:47:39 am
`Mummy mummy - do they have xmas decorations in Vietnam'.

` Yes dear - this year they are hanging Glitter' !!! :lol:
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Brains on November 25, 2005, 10:04:59 am
Blunkett was given a cheese grater last Christmas, apparently it was the most violent book he had ever read...
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Mrs Trellis on November 25, 2005, 10:23:53 am
Man making love to a woman of very loose morals, she suddenly says :-
"Hey, you haven't got AIDS have you ?"
"Certainly not !" said the passionate love maker
"Good" she says "Wouldn't want that again !"
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: danthecavingman on November 25, 2005, 11:57:18 am
:( Bad news, George Best has entered his final hour.

 :lol: Good news! It's Happy Hour!
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Mrs Trellis on November 25, 2005, 11:59:41 am
The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question,
"When you die and go to Heaven...which part of
your body goes first?"

Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."

"Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?"

Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes you hands first."

"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your legs."

The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face.
"Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?"

Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mummy and Daddy's bedroom the other night. Mummy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, “Oh God, I'm coming!"

"If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Mr Fell on December 01, 2005, 06:34:02 am
I know its not quite Friday - but what the hell ............     Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that despite his seventy-two years of age, he could still have sex three times a night.



Lulu, who was also a guest, looked intrigued.



After the show, Lulu said, "Sean, if Ah 'm no bein too forward, Ah'd love tae hae sex wi an aulder man. "Let ' s go back tae mah place."   So they go back to her place and had great sex.



Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that wash good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have even better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold
ma bawlsh in your left hand and my wullie in your right hand."  



Lulu looks a bit perplexed, but agrees anyway.



Sean sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex.



Then Sean says, "Lulu, that wash wonderful, but if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. But again, hold my bawlsh in your left hand, and my wullie in your right hand ".



Lulu is now used to the routine and complies.



The results are mind blowing.



Once it's all over, and the cigarettes are lit, Lulu asks "Sean, tell me, dis mah haudin yer bawls in mah left hand and yer wullie in mah right stimulate ye while ye're sleepin? "



Sean replies, " No, but the lasht time I shlept with a Glashwegian, she shtole ma wallet.
 :lol:  :lol:  :lol:
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Mr Fell on December 08, 2005, 05:46:16 pm
No swearing but very funny :lol:  :lol:  :lol:

http://ihimlen.dk/flash/prutjulesang.htm
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: cave junky on December 08, 2005, 05:58:12 pm
There were two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a simple gesture, brings them both to life.

The angel tells them 'As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running off together behind the shrubbery.

The angel waits patiently as giggling sounds come from the rustling bushes.

After fifteen minutes the two return out of breath and laughing.

The angel tells them 'You still have fifteen minutes left.'

The male statue asks the woman statue, 'Would you like to do it again?'

'Oh yes. Let's,' she replies. 'But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you poo on its head!!'

(Taken from http://www.virginradio.co.uk/thestation/25000_joke.html)

Ally
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Mrs Trellis on December 09, 2005, 12:22:57 pm
A blonde in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.
"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies.
" Do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife.
"No, no boyfriend either."
"Do you have a partner then?"
"No, I'm not attached, I'll be having my baby on my own."

After the birth the midwife again speaks to the blonde:-
"You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black."

"Well," replies the girl, "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a pr0n film. The main stud was black."

"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."

"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see the co-star in the movie was Swedish ."

"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business either and I hate to pry further but your baby also has slanted eyes."

"Yes," continues the girl, "there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."

At this, the midwife again apologizes, collects the baby and present her to the girl, who immediately gives the baby a smack on the bum.

The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Thank god for that!"

"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.

"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that she was going to bark."
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Mr Fell on December 16, 2005, 06:00:05 am
Police have admitted that George Best was not laid to rest in Belfast. They have also said that it was something of a mistake to cremate him in Hemel Hemstead  :shock:
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Billy Butcombe on December 16, 2005, 09:00:19 am
You sicko Mr Fell  :lol:  :lol:
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Mrs Trellis on December 16, 2005, 09:52:01 am
Two Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods. All of a
sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.
"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" he called into the cave and listened closely
until he heard an answering, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo! He then tore off
his clothes and ran into the cave.
The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all
about.

"Was the other Indian crazy or what?"

The Indian replied "No, It is our custom during mating season when
Indian men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the
opening, If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful squaw
in there waiting for us."
Just then they came upon another cave. The second Indian ran up to the
cave, stopped, and hollered, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"
Immediately, there was the answer. "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"
from deep inside He also tore off his clothes and ran into the
opening.
The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then
spied a third large cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the
huge opening, he was thinking, "Hoo, man! Look at the size of this
cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some
really big, fine women in this cave!" He stood in front of the opening
and hollered with all his might.....
"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"

Like the others, he then heard an answering call, "WOOOOOOOOO,
WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!"
With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the
cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran.

The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read.....




































NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: wallop on December 16, 2005, 12:23:28 pm
Ted came home from the club late one Friday evening stinking drunk,

as he       often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.

 

He gave a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.

 

 When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed

 wearing a long flowing white robe.

 "Who the hell are you?" Demanded Ted, "and what are you doing in my

bedroom?".

 

 The mysterious Man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St

Peter".

 

Ted was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much

To live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send me back

 straight away".

 

 St Peter replied "Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can

 only send you back as a dog or a hen." Ted was devasted, but knowing there

 was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A

 flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking

 the ground. "This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange

 feeling welling up inside him.

 

 The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are

 you enjoying your first day here?"

 

 "It's not so bad" replies Ted, "but I have this strange feeling inside

 like I'm about to explode".

 

 "You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before".

 

 "Never" replies Ted

 

 "Well just relax and let it happen"

 

 And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out

from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his

 emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first

 time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness wasoverwhelming

 and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever

 happened to him... ever!!!

 

 The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an

 enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting "Ted,

 wake up you drunken bas*ard, you're sh*tting the bed"

 :lol:  :lol:
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: davepinch on December 16, 2005, 12:49:49 pm
Every morning this big German Sheppard come's and has a crap on my lawn...... the bastard... this morning.... he brought his dog with him..

Sorry  :lol:
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Brains on December 16, 2005, 02:08:59 pm
I had heard that George Best wasnt being buried in Ireland after all, but has been cremated at Hemel Hempsted :oops:
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: wallop on December 16, 2005, 02:49:19 pm
Like the German shepperd joke, nice one.
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Mr Fell on December 23, 2005, 08:29:26 am
Elton said he enjoyed the wedding - he said later that the only thing was that the ring was a little tight :roll:
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Slug on December 23, 2005, 02:43:08 pm
I notice that Sir Elton did'nt go to His own stag night.....He said He did'nt need to as He was going  on a bender after the wedding 8)
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Mr Fell on December 30, 2005, 06:53:39 pm
An  Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar.
They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner. He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them  mad.
They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: "My God,  it's Jesus!"

Sure enough, it  is Jesus, nursing a pint. Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a  pint of bitter. Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.

After he's finished the drinks, Jesus  approaches the trio. He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it,  thanking him for the Guinness.
 
When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement:
"My God! The arthritis I've had for 30  years is gone. It's a miracle!"

Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand,  thanking him for the lager. As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock.  "Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's  a miracle."

Jesus then approaches the Scouser who  says .....

"Back off, mate, I'm on disability  benefit." :lol:  :lol:
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Cavedrone on December 30, 2005, 09:20:03 pm
Mr Fell !!! Nice one. Upset the Liverpool FC fans in my household
in one fell swoop.   :D

NB Does Mrs Fell need to know if I am staying next Saturday/joining in the meal ??
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Mr Fell on December 31, 2005, 08:37:17 am
Hi - Mr Cavedrone - yep please confirm 8)
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Cavedrone on January 01, 2006, 03:39:43 pm
I'll be staying on Sat night for def.
Any idea whats on the menu for the meal.

I will be caving on the Sunday too though as I'm off the pop.
I believe Frog and Rachel may be up for some action then as well.

 :P
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: martin s on January 06, 2006, 09:28:47 pm
The Manchester United players are in the dressing room on Saturday, just before the game, when ronaldo walks in. "Boss," he says, "there's a problem. I'm not playing unless I get a cortisone injection."
"Hey," says rooney . "If he's having a new car, so am I."
Title: Who Dunnit?
Post by: danthecavingman on January 13, 2006, 02:10:07 pm
(http://upload2.postimage.org/6746/ige001.jpg) (http://upload2.postimage.org/caving/uk_caving/6746/photo_hosting.html)
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: danthecavingman on January 19, 2006, 08:56:23 pm
A German guy approaches a prostitute and says " I vish to buy sex vit you "


"OK" says the girl, "I'll charge 100 dollars an hour"

"Ist goot, But I must varn you, I am a little kinky"
"No problem" she replies cautiously, "I can do a little kinky" So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller.


"I vant you to tie ze springs to each of your limbs.."

The girl finds this very strange, but complies, fastening the springs to her hands and knees.

"Now you vill get on your hans and knees."

She duly does this, balancing on the springs.

"You vill please blow zis vistle as I make love to you."

> She finds all this very odd, but figures it's harmless, and the guy is paying.

The sex is fantastic. She is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller. The climax is the most sensational she has ever experienced, and it is several minutes before she has recovered her breath. Finally she gasps "That was totally amazing....... what do you call that?


"Ah", says the German, "Four-sprung duck technique"
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Brendan on February 08, 2006, 07:46:05 pm
One day a guy died and found himself in hell.
As he was wallowing in despair,he had his first meeting with a demon.

The demon asked, "Why so glum?"
The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!"
"Hell's not so bad," the demon said.
"We actually have a lot of fun down here.
You a drinking man?"
"Sure," the man said, "I love to drink."
"Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is
drink.   Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca.
We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!"

The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great."
"You a smoker?" the demon asked.
"You better believe it!"

"You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all
over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer,
no biggie. You're already dead, remember?""Wow, the guy said, "that's awesome!"

The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble."
"Why yes, as a matter of fact I do." "Wednesdays you can gamble all you want.
Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well,
you're dead anyhow.

You into drugs?" The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't
mean..."   "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great
big bowl of crack, or smack.  You can do all the drugs you want,you're dead, who cares!"     "Wow," the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"

The demon said, "You gay?"
"No."
Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays!"
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Mr Fell on February 09, 2006, 06:17:00 pm
Ha ha - good un :lol:
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: AndyF on February 09, 2006, 10:39:34 pm
A Microsoft marketing exec died and went up to the pearly gates. St.Peter says, "Well, which do you want Heaven or Hell?"

The exec looked surprised. What, you mean I get to choose...?"

"Sure", says St Peter. We've learned a lot from all the Microsoft exec's we've had here. Customer Choice, thats what it's all about. Waht's better is you get to try out before choosing, how about few days in Hell?"

"And then I come back?"

"Sure" says St Peter. "After 30 days, you'll be back here"

"...er... well o.k"

In a flash he was in hell, but looking around there was a beach with a few girls in bikini. Someone came up to him and gave him a cigar, and a pina collada. There music, warm sunshine. It was great. A girl ran up to him, hugged him and said "Welcome to hell"

"This isn't right", he says, this can't be hell!"

"It sure is says the girl, you don't want to believe the rumours, this is a top quality product!, You'll love it. If it was horrid, no one would stay."

Thirty days later, the exec was all mellow, he had a couple of girlfriends, drinks on tap, a beach hut. It was great. Then, suddenly whoosh! He was back at the gates with St.Peter.

"Well" says St Peter, "want to try heaven now? It's a competitor product"

"No way, says the exec, Hell is for me. It  was great"

"Are you SURE" says St.Peter, you can't change your mind....

"No, No" says the exec, "I'm certain"

BANG!

Suddenly we was embroiled in flame, puss and extructiating pain. Flames all around. Darkness. The cackling laughter of a thousand tormented souls. This was truly hell...

He shouted up to St.Peter.

"What happened, where are the girls, where's my drink? Whats happened to all the stuff I saw...?"

"Ahhhhhhh" he heard St.Peter call down....  "you must have seen the demo version...."
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Katie on February 10, 2006, 01:45:51 am
Thats just reminded of something one of my firends used to say...

Hell: where the beer barrels have holes and the women dont
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Mr Fell on February 10, 2006, 12:45:47 pm
BLAMESTORMING

Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.



SEAGULL MANAGER

A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.



ASSMOSIS

The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.



SALMON DAY

The experience of spending one entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.



CUBE FARM

An office filled with cubicles.



PRAIRIE DOGGING

When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on (This also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.)



SITCOMs

Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a "home business".



SINBAD

Single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate.



STRESS PUPPY

A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.



PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE

The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.



ADMINISPHERE

The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia" - needless paperwork and processes.



404

Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.



OHNOSECOND

That miniscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all')


GOING FOR A McSHIT

Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is known as a McShit with Lies.



BEER COAT

The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3am.



BEER COMPASS

The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how you got here, and where you've come from.



BREAKING THE SEAL

Your first pee in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.



BRITNEY SPEARS

Modern Slang for 'beers', e.g. "Couple of Britney's please"



JOHNNY-NO-STARS

A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of training.



MILLENNIUM DOMES

The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually nowt in there worth seeing.



MONKEY BATH

A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo !Oo !Oo!

Aa !Aa !Aa!".



MYSTERY BUS

The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.



NELSON MANDELA

Rhyming Slang for 'Stella' (the lager)



PEARLHARBOUR

Cold (weather). An example of it would be - "It's a bit Pearl  Harbor" out there (there's a nasty nip in the air)



PICASSO BUM

A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got four buttocks



SALAD DODGER

An excellent phrase for an overweight person



TART FUEL

Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women



URI GELLER

See Nelson Mandela (above)

 :lol:  :lol:  :lol:  :lol:  :lol:  :lol:  :lol:  :lol:  :lol:  :lol:  :lol:  :lol:  :lol:  :lol:
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: ian mckenzie on February 10, 2006, 09:35:35 pm
Quote from: "Mr Fell"
BEER COAT The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3am. :
We have them in Canada as well, tho they are much thicker but do not last as long...
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Mr Fell on February 11, 2006, 07:52:23 am
You bet - my cousin lives in Hamilton - and its bloody cold there at the moment ! :(  :shock:
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Cap'n Chris on February 11, 2006, 08:58:51 am
IGNORAMUS: an unintelligent person


IGNORANUS: an unintelligent person who is also an asshole.
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Mr Fell on February 11, 2006, 12:24:30 pm
IGNORAMUS in latin actually means - we dont know  :roll:
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Brendan on February 20, 2006, 04:11:03 pm
Potentially and Realistically....
A boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?"
The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother
she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars." Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.
 
So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!"
The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heart beat! Are you nuts?!?"
The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?"
The boy pondered the answers for a few days, then went back to his dad.
His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?"
The boy replied, "Yes... Potentially, you and I are sitting on three million dollars, but Realistically, we're living with two sluts and a poof."
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: wallop on February 21, 2006, 03:01:59 pm
A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase
some sheer lingerie for his wife. He is shown
several possibilities that range from $250 to $500
in price, the more sheer, the higher the price. He
opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500 and
takes the lingerie home.

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go
upstairs, put it on and model it for him.

Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so
sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't
put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it
tomorrow and keep the $500 refund for myself."

So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a
pose.

Her husband says, "Good Lord! You'd think that for
$500, they'd at least iron it!"

He never heard the shot.

Funeral on Friday :lol:  :lol:  :lol:
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: RM on February 21, 2006, 05:35:12 pm
Three blondes walk into a bar and ask the bartender for three shots of tequila. He looks at them and says "OK" and pours their shots.
They all clink glasses and and yell "51 days!" Then they proceed to slam the shots, looking very self-satisfied. They look back to the bartender and decide to order another round. This time they pick up the glasses again and, more gleefully yell "Only 51 days!"

The bartender finally can't stand wondering what they are talking about and asks them what they mean by "Only 51 days"? One of the blondes looks at him and says "Well," looking very smug. "We just finished a jigsaw puzzle. It took us Only 51 Days..... and on the box it said 4-7 years!"
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: graham on February 22, 2006, 08:56:34 am
A blonde buys a lottery ticket and heads home to watch the draw on TV. Every single number matches her ticket and she jumps up and down in joy having won £8.2m. The next day she heads back to the shop to ask for her prize money.

"Sorry luv" says the shopkeeper, "we can't pay out prizes that big, you have to head to the lottery headquarters in London."

"London!" exclaims the blonde, "I can't afford a train ticket all the way to London, I want a refund!"
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: wallop on March 01, 2006, 10:44:38 am
CHINESE SICK LEAVE

Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, boss I no come work today, I

really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work."

 

The boss says, "You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you

today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife

and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better and I go to

work. You try that."

 

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "Boss, I do what you say and I

feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house." :lol:  :lol:  :lol:
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: wallop on March 02, 2006, 03:56:13 pm
2 drunk Irishmen walking home from the Pub, pissed out of there heads, walking past a church yard one guy says “Hey, to be sure that guy there was 121 when he died” pointing at a grave stone.

“ay what was his name?” says the other guy,

“Miles”!

Where was he from “Dublin”

 

 

121 Miles from Dublin   :!:  :!:  :!: :cry:
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: tubby two on March 03, 2006, 06:00:25 pm
Three blokes, an italian, a frenchie and an ozzie, sat in a bar comparing notes on how they keep their ladies satisfied, italian fella says 'ah, when i av finished making ze love to ze girlfriend i tickle the back of her knees wiz ma tongue, and she float six inches above ze bed in pure ecstacy!', then the frenchie pipes up, 'when i have finished making sweet, sweet lurrve to my beautiful wife i kiss her all the way from her head to her toes, and she floats 18inches above the bed in purest ecstacy...' next the ozzie fella starts up, 'thats nawt fellas, when i've finished shaggin me sheila, a get up, go over to the window and wipe me knob on the curtains- and she hits the fuckin roof!'

tt.
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Brains on March 03, 2006, 06:17:30 pm
Possibly not a PC joke?...

Three blokes sitting in a pub talking about their wives. First one says, My wife is like a Swan, beautiful serene and placid to look at but she has huge hidden strengths and there is lots going on under the sureface.
Second bloke has a pull of his pint and says, my lady is like an eagle. Beautiful, powerful, never misses a thing, can go all day effortlessly. Amazing woman.
Third bloke has a drink and sits back. Well guys, I know you wives and I have to agree with you. My wife however is more like a Thrush though. She is just an irritating c***!
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: wormster on March 03, 2006, 08:52:49 pm
Queen Farts and Laughs.
Monday, 4pm: The Queen was observed laughing loudly and fanning air away from herself after inadvertently letting a massive fart rip out.
"We are glad that's out" said Her Majesty, before laughing again and shaking her head.
"Well spoken!" said her mate Johnno, who was nearby.
"Fuck me, that's rotten" Johnno added a short time later.
Royal insiders told how the Queen often farts, especially after a meal of Heinz Chilli Beans, but said she usually blamed it on the dog.
"Christ, that had staying power" said Johnno, 10 minutes after the incident.
The Queen later refuted an allegation from Johnno that something had crawled up her arse and died.
Title: It's not Friday but who cares....
Post by: danthecavingman on March 14, 2006, 10:38:53 am
A WEALTHY HOSPITAL BENEFACTOR WAS VISITING THE HOSPITAL
WHEN, DURING HER TOUR, SHE PASSED A ROOM WHERE A MALE PATIENT WAS
MASTURBATING.

OH MY GOD!" SCREAMED THE WOMAN. "THAT'S DISGRACEFUL! WHY
IS HE DOING THAT?"

THE DOCTOR THAT WAS LEADING THE TOUR EXPLAINED, "I AM VERY SORRY, BUT
THIS MAN HAS A SERIOUS CONDITION WHERE THE TESTICLES RAPIDLY REFILL WITH
SEMEN.

IF HE DOESN'T DO THAT FIVE TIMES A DAY, THEY'LL EXPLODE AND HE'LL DIE
WITHIN MINUTES."

"OH, WELL IN THAT CASE, I GUESS IT'S OK," COMMENTED THE
WOMAN.

IN THE VERY NEXT ROOM THEY COULD SEE THAT A FEMALE NURSE WAS PERFORMING
ORAL SEX ON A DIFFERENT MALE PATIENT. AGAIN THE WOMAN SCREAMED, "OH MY
GOD! HOW CAN THAT BE JUSTIFIED?"

THE DOCTOR REPLIED..."SAME ILLNESS, BUT HE'S WITH BUPA."

 :lol:
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Cave_Troll on March 14, 2006, 10:57:30 am
A lion, a bear and a chicken sitting in a pub discussing which one of them was the hardest, meanest mother around.
The bear say "when i growl, the entire forest runs for cover"
"thats nothing," says the lion "When I roar, everything on the plains of Africa shakes with fear"
The chicken thinks for a while and says "thats nothing, I only have to sneeze and the whole world shits itself"
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: gus horsley on March 14, 2006, 11:12:52 am
There's a bus full of nuns travelling up the M1 that gets involved in a pile-up and everyone's killed.  The nuns go up to Heaven and gather outside the Pearly Gates.  St Peter says:  "Ok, can you form an orderly line please?"  So the nuns form a line, and up steps the first one.

St Peter says, "Before you can enter the Kingdom of Heaven you must tell me if you have had carnal knowledge with a man."

"Yes" says the first nun, "I once saw a man's penis."

St Peter says, "You can enter the Kingdom of heaven, but first you must bathe your eyes in the holy water", and he points to a basin.

He asks the same question of the second nun, who replies "Yes, I once touched a man's penis."

St Peter says, "You must wash your hands in the holy water."

Just then a scuffle breaks out further back in the line.  St Peter asks what is going on and voice shouts, "Do you mind if I gargle before Sister Mary puts her arse in the font?!"
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: tubby two on March 14, 2006, 03:00:05 pm
Like this one...

Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night to get a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in The Act. Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims "Oh, boy! Horsey ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?"

Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees. Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping.

Johnny cries out "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!"



tt.
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: graham on March 17, 2006, 05:19:36 pm
A professor was due to give a lecture on involuntary muscular contractions to a group of first year students. Realising that as a topic it is less than rivetting, he decides to get their attention from the start.

He points at a girl in the first row and says"Do you know what your arsehole is doing when you are having an orgasm?"

She replies "He is probably in a bar with his mates."
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Wolfart on March 17, 2006, 09:09:04 pm
Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to
> have a last night on the town. After a few drinks, they end up at the
> local brothel. The Madam takes one look at the two old geezers and
> whispers to her manager, "Go up to the first two bedrooms and put an
> inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk, I'm not
> wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the difference." The
> manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take
> care of their business.
> As they are walking home the first man says, "You know, I think my
> girl was dead!"
> Dead?" says his friend, "why would you say that?"
> Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her."
> His friend says, "I think mine was a witch."
> A witch, why would you say that?
> Well, I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck and I gave
> her a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window.
>
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Mr Fell on March 17, 2006, 09:50:39 pm
That was a good one ! :lol:
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: ian mckenzie on March 18, 2006, 01:36:50 am
Quote from: "Wolfart"
> As they are walking home the first man says, "You know, I think my girl was dead!">
I heard a different punchline:
"No, she was probably English"... :oops:  :(  :( but the joke was told by a Frenchman.
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Greg Jones on March 19, 2006, 12:26:49 pm
A man has been ill for some time, and has had tests, and is now at the doctors for the results.

"I'm afraid I have some very bad news" says the doctor. "You have an inoperable brain tumour, and have only a few months left to live".

The man is utterly devastated, and breaks down in the doctor's surgery. For about ten minutes he is inconsolable, but eventually the doctor manages to calm him down a little.

"So doctor" he asks, "where do we go from here?".

"What I would advise" says the doctor, "is that you take as many mud-baths as you can".

"Will that cure me?" asks the man.

"No" says the doctor, "but it will get you used to being buried!".
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: kay on March 19, 2006, 10:16:47 pm
This is an old one, but ...


A man has been ill for some time, has had tests and is now at the doctor's for the results.

"I'm afraid I have some very bad news for you. You only have a few months to live"

"Doctor, isn't there anything I can do?"

"You can avoid all fatty and spicy food. Don't touch alcohol. Give up tea and coffee and drink only water. Avoid chocolate and anything with sugar in. Go to bed at 10.00 each night and don't do anything that gets you in the least bit excited. And don't even think about caving"

"Will that make me live longer?"

"No ... but it will seem longer"
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: wormster on March 19, 2006, 10:32:32 pm
I know its sunday, another one from our royal corespondant:

Saturday, 1pm: Following the purchase of a new Kenwood fridge, the Queen's old Arriston was relocated to the garage and renamed "The Beerfridge" in a solemn ceremony attended by two of the Queen's mates.
The ritual moving of the fridge was performed smoothly, except for Bluey the mongrel dog chewing on Johnno's shoe during a heavy lift. Once in the garage, Her Majesty turfed the vege crisper drawers into the wheelybin to make more room for tinnies.

"We are pleased to open this Beerfridge" announced the Queen as she cut the ribbon. "May it keep our Stella's cold, seal poorly and grow a massive iceberg in the freezer".
"It's a beautiful thing" said Johnno.
Royal sources say the Queen plans to have a case of stella in the fridge for most of the year, except during Christmas when she will shove 600 tinnies, a kilo of prawns and a ham into the bastard.
Title: Another blonde joke....
Post by: danthecavingman on March 20, 2006, 07:19:46 pm
This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.
While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.
Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint.
He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is ok.
She replies yes.
He asks what she is doing.
She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house.
He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat.
She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said....

FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.

:lol:
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: tubby two on March 21, 2006, 11:37:29 am
This blind bloke walks into a pub, finds his way to the bar, sits down and orders a pint. Chatting away as he sups his pint he tells the barman he has this brilliant blonde joke, and would he like to hear it? At this point the barman stops him and says, " wait up, you should know something here, sat next to you is a 6'2 blonde woman who is also the national heavyweight boxing champ, and next to her is the county judo champ, also blonde. the two over there in the corner are both blondes and wrestling partners, and the lady over there is  6'4 weightlifter, blonde too. Now, tell me- are you sure you still want to tell this joke?"
The fella thinks about it for a moment then says, "nah, maybe not. I havent got time to explain it five times."

tt.
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Brendan on March 21, 2006, 09:29:29 pm
An Essex girl is driving along in her new car when she crashes. The paramedic arrives.
Hello there, what's your name?'
'Sharon'
Sharon, I'm going to ask you a few questions. How many fingers am I putting up?'
'Oh my god,' shouts the Essex girl. 'I'm paralysed from the waist down!'
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: AndyF on March 21, 2006, 09:30:46 pm
This guy walks into a bar..


"Ouch, my head!" he says...
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: gus horsley on March 22, 2006, 09:33:03 am
Three macho mice are standing around trying to outdo each other.  The first one says:  "You know those little pellets they leave around the house trying to poison us?  I eat 'em like sweets."

The second mouse, not to be outdone, says:  "Oh aye?  Well, you know those mousetraps they put out to try and catch us?  What I do is get on the trap, grab the cheese, and then flip over onto my back.  When the steel bar comes down I do bench presses with it."

The third mouse says:  "You two are a couple of really tough mice, and I'd love to hang around with you here, but I've got to go and shag the cat."
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: danthecavingman on March 22, 2006, 11:51:18 am
After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. "So, how is
everything going?" inquired God.

"It is all so beautiful, God," she replied. "The sunrises and sunsets are
breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have
just one problem. It is these breasts you have given me. The middle one
pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms,
catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They are a real
pain," reported Eve.

And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in
pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc.......she felt that having only
two breasts might leave her body more "symmetrically balanced," as she put
it.

"That is a fair point," replied God, "But it was my first shot at this, you
know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half
of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away." And
God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.

Three weeks pass and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.
"Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?"

"Just fantastic," she replied, "But for one oversight on your part. You see,
all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull.
All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone."

God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right. How could
I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a
man from a part of you. Now let's see............where did I put that
useless tit?

….Now doesn't THAT make more sense than that crap about the rib?
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: graham on March 22, 2006, 06:03:46 pm
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem." The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.

"Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Gerry.

The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.

Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.

At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says,

"Dis looks like a grand place." He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead. Looking down at the remains of his best pal,

Paddy shakes his head and says, Dis budgie jumping is too dangerous for me!"

THERE'S MORE...

Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass. He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

"Hi, Paddy, watch dis," Seamus says.

He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free. He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body. Paddy shakes his head and says,

"And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!"

IT IS NOT OVER YET...

Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears.

He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken.

Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.

Once more Paddy shakes his head. "First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping,

den Seamus parrotshooting...

and now Sean and his fook'n hengliding!"
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: AndyF on March 22, 2006, 06:10:29 pm
Quote from: "danthecavingman"


….Now doesn't THAT make more sense than that crap about the rib?


this reminds me of a true story. my caving mate and his long suffering girlfriend were driving us back from the pub. we were tanked...

He says, "my perfect woman has two tits on the front and one on her back."

She replied, quick as flash. "I've had a tit on my back for years..."
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Cave_Troll on March 23, 2006, 11:32:03 am
Q : What animal has four legs and a c**t on its back?
A : A police horse
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Brains on March 23, 2006, 12:19:23 pm
Surely that should be 6 legs?.....

Anyway, what is the difference between a magicians wand and a policemans truncheon?

One is used for cunning stunts....




Or...
What has got 5 legs and goes woof?

Piper Alpha
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: graham on March 24, 2006, 04:56:57 pm
A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that
the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending
on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For example, If she is
ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.

However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to prefer a
man with scissors lodged in his temple and a bat jammed up his ass while
he is on fire.

Further studies in this area have been cancelled...
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: wormster on April 21, 2006, 06:07:19 pm
Another one from our royal corespondant:

Tuesday 10am: "Cut the smokes, cut the booze, and lose the beergut."
This was the advice given to Queen Elizabeth II during her recent visit to the doctor. The GP told Her Majesty that a change of lifestyle was needed if she still wanted to be Queen in 2010. After hearing of her 4 pack a day habit and weekly consumption of 8 cases of stella, the doctor said she was in the "extremely high risk" category. He then paused and added "I don't know how it is you are still alive".

The Queen, who drank from a longneck and chain smoked throughout the checkup, asked how the hell she could possibly give up nicotine and stella- her main reasons for living. "We'd feel fucking stupid watching the footy without a beer or a smoke. But We suppose We should give it a go
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: underground on April 22, 2006, 01:27:33 am
Quote from: "wormster"
Another one from our royal corespondant:

Tuesday 10am: "Cut the smokes, cut the booze, and lose the beergut."
This was the advice given to Queen Elizabeth II during her recent visit to the doctor. The GP told Her Majesty that a change of lifestyle was needed if she still wanted to be Queen in 2010. After hearing of her 4 pack a day habit and weekly consumption of 8 cases of stella, the doctor said she was in the "extremely high risk" category. He then paused and added "I don't know how it is you are still alive".

The Queen, who drank from a longneck and chain smoked throughout the checkup, asked how the hell she could possibly give up nicotine and stella- her main reasons for living. "We'd feel fucking stupid watching the footy without a beer or a smoke. But We suppose We should give it a go


I must be missing something here, one dint find it fucking funny.....
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: pisshead on April 24, 2006, 04:16:31 pm
no - or the other two that were posted previously!
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Wolfart on April 24, 2006, 06:00:17 pm
:? Funny that i don't get it either  :?
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: tubby two on April 24, 2006, 09:03:01 pm
Hmmm... me neither. oh dear. Got his one though, albeit a bit old...



A penguin takes his car to a mechanic because there is a funny noise coming from under the bonnet.

"Leave it with me," says the mechanic. "Come back in 20 minutes."

So, off goes the penguin. It's a pretty hot day, and he's a cool weather kind of guy so on spotting an ice cream van he goes and buys himself a 99. Now, penguins aren't very good at eating ice creams – the lack of opposable thumbs makes it tricky. So by the time the penguin has finished his 99, he is completely covered in ice cream. It is all over his beak and all over his flippers. Feeling a little sticky, he goes back to the garage.

"Oh, hello," says the mechanic, wiping his hands on a cloth.

"Hello," replies the penguin. "Was it anything serious?"

"Not really, but it looks like you've blown a seal."

"Oh no, no, no!" says the penguin, wiping his mouth. "It's just ice cream."



tt.
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: pisshead on April 25, 2006, 05:14:42 pm
:D
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Mr Fell on April 27, 2006, 06:55:24 pm
A woman accompanied her husband to the surgery for his annual check-up.
>>Afterwards the doctor called the wife in to speak with her alone. He said
>>"Your husband is suffering from a rare disease, combined with horrible
>>stress. If you don't do the following your husband will surely die. Each
>>morning fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant to him and make sure he
>>is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to
>>work, and for dinner prepare him an especially nice meal with all the
>>trimmings. Don't burden him with chores as this could further his stress.
>>Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse.
>>Try to relax your husband in the evening by wearing sexy lingerie and
>>giving him plenty of massage. Encourage him to watch some kind of team
>>sporting events on the television, and most importantly make love with him
>>several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for
>>the next ten months or a year, I think your husband will regain his
>>health."
>>
>>On the way home the husband asked his wife what the doctor had to say.
>>
>>
>>
>>" YOUR GOING TO DIE " She replied :lol:  :lol:  :lol:
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Wolfart on April 28, 2006, 01:34:17 pm
(http://upload3.postimage.org/190857/2.jpg) (http://upload3.postimage.org/caving/uk_caving/190857/photo_hosting.html)
Mr Fell's birthday present :twisted:
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Mr Fell on April 28, 2006, 05:42:21 pm
Bit of a mouthful that one :lol:
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Mr Fell on April 30, 2006, 05:30:11 pm
Q. What have Gordon Ramsey and a cross county run got in common?

A. One is a pant in the country ! :lol:
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Cap'n Chris on April 30, 2006, 05:42:30 pm
Surely the question should read "what is the difference between...." i.e. one is a pant in the country and the other is a c*nt in the pantry. Or am I missing something?
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Mr Fell on April 30, 2006, 05:50:21 pm
No - your right - should have been Fanny Craddock as well !
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: gus horsley on May 02, 2006, 01:11:25 pm
What's a "cross county" run?  The Todmorden to Rochdale marathon?

Did you hear about the ship that collided with a can of red paint?  Everyone got marooned.
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Mr Fell on May 04, 2006, 06:32:33 pm
Sensitive Men Do Exist.

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar.
They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.
They get back to his apartment and she notices that his bedroom is
completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears.

Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor,
cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous bears
on the top shelf along the wall.

The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy
bears,especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention
this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.

She turns to him... they kiss...and then they rip each other's clothes
off and make hot steamy love.

After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they're
lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and she asks,
smiling,



"Well, how was it for you?"



The guy says:



(Scroll down it's a beauty)

































"Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."

 :roll:  :lol:
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Roger W on May 05, 2006, 11:02:45 am
OK, it's Friday....

(http://upload4.postimage.org/191806/Sumpa.jpg) (http://upload4.postimage.org/caving/uk_caving/191806/photo_hosting.html)

(http://upload4.postimage.org/191822/Sumpb.jpg) (http://upload4.postimage.org/caving/uk_caving/191822/photo_hosting.html)

(http://upload4.postimage.org/191839/Sumpc.jpg) (http://upload4.postimage.org/caving/uk_caving/191839/photo_hosting.html)
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: gus horsley on May 05, 2006, 04:52:44 pm
Roger

Not very funny but I'm well impressed with the amount of time you must have put into it.  Mind you it's probably funnier than this:

A woman gets onto a bus with her baby.  The driver says "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."

The woman goes to the back of the bus and sits down next to a guy, fuming.  The guy says "What's the matter?"

She says "I can't believe that driver just insulted me."

The guy says "Why don't you go back and give him a piece of your mind?  I'll hold your monkey while you do it."
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: kay on May 06, 2006, 07:40:46 pm
Was it so unfunny that it's been removed, or is it just me that can't see it?
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Anon on May 07, 2006, 03:29:41 pm
Quote from: "kay"
Was it so unfunny that it's been removed, or is it just me that can't see it?

Just looked at it and its still there..
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Roger W on May 08, 2006, 08:12:57 am
Hey, Gus,

My mum was real upset when that guy said that about me on the bus!

Sorry I didn't manage to tickle your chuckle-buds with my offering.  :cry:

Maybe I should have remembered to point out that all characters and situations are purely imaginary, and any resemblance to any real people, living or dead, is sheer coincidence - except perhaps for the fellow in glasses, who might conceivably be mistaken for me...
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Mr Fell on May 09, 2006, 06:06:15 am
Q.What is soft and warm when you go to bed , but hard and stiff when you wake up ?
A. Vomit  :P
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: emgee on May 09, 2006, 09:24:13 am
Tony Bair was quoted on the BBC website as saying he'd allow his successor
"time to bed in". So it looks like Prescott has his endoursement
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: gus horsley on May 09, 2006, 10:58:39 am
Roger

Please don't get upset.  I hate to see a grown man cry.  Not that I can see you 'cos you're in China.

(http://upload4.postimage.org/214065/wrong_nuts.jpg) (http://upload4.postimage.org/caving/uk_caving/214065/photo_hosting.html)
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Roger W on May 10, 2006, 02:27:26 am
Ouch!  That looks painful!

I could shed a tear for Trevor...

(http://upload4.postimage.org/218644/Sob.jpg) (http://upload4.postimage.org/caving/uk_caving/218644/photo_hosting.html)
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: gus horsley on May 10, 2006, 08:39:33 am
This recently got nominated for the "Crappest Tattoo" award.

(http://upload4.postimage.org/219713/ink_5198.jpg) (http://upload4.postimage.org/caving/uk_caving/219713/photo_hosting.html)
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: darkplaces on May 10, 2006, 10:52:19 am
Quote from: "gus horsley"
This recently got nominated for the "Crappest Tattoo" award.

(http://upload4.postimage.org/219713/ink_5198.jpg) (http://upload4.postimage.org/caving/uk_caving/219713/photo_hosting.html)

Is that an old brain from 'pinky and the brain'.
http://www-public.rz.uni-duesseldorf.de/~fischeni/
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: gus horsley on May 10, 2006, 11:33:28 am
Dunno, I never watched it.  Here's another contender:

(http://upload4.postimage.org/220583/ink_5961.jpg) (http://upload4.postimage.org/caving/uk_caving/220583/photo_hosting.html)
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: pisshead on May 10, 2006, 12:48:04 pm
surely that was drawn by a five year old with a biro?
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Slug on May 10, 2006, 12:57:44 pm
Quote from: "gus horsley"
Dunno, I never watched it.  Here's another contender:

(http://upload4.postimage.org/220583/ink_5961.jpg) (http://upload4.postimage.org/caving/uk_caving/220583/photo_hosting.html)






The B.E.C. GET EVERYWHERE 8)
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Peter Burgess on May 10, 2006, 01:01:06 pm
What's the connection between

Quote
surely that was drawn by a five year old with a biro?


and

Quote
The B.E.C. GET EVERYWHERE


 :)
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: tubby two on May 10, 2006, 03:13:03 pm
Apparently osama bin laden has been caught sh@gging a sheep in wales.

When interviered by police he said

"it was ok",

because...




...




...




...




...




... "'it was 'islam!"

tt.
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: tubby two on May 15, 2006, 04:44:27 pm
Another, which i can't take any credit for...

"Subject: floors
A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates.

You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights.   There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.

Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: .

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:
 
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossibe  to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store."

tt.
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Cap'n Chris on May 15, 2006, 05:26:04 pm
Quote from: "Slug"
Quote from: "gus horsley"
Dunno, I never watched it.  Here's another contender:

(http://upload4.postimage.org/220583/ink_5961.jpg) (http://upload4.postimage.org/caving/uk_caving/220583/photo_hosting.html)






The B.E.C. GET EVERYWHERE 8)


.... but often to places where no-one else wants to go but everyone else has already been  :wink:
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: tubby two on May 16, 2006, 01:32:17 pm
Instructions...

Go to 'www.google.co.uk'

Type in 'Failure'

Press 'I'm feeling lucky'

Smile.

tt.
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: emgee on May 16, 2006, 01:53:29 pm
Quote from: "tubby two"
Instructions...

Go to 'www.google.co.uk'

Type in 'Failure'

Press 'I'm feeling lucky'

Smile.

tt.


Then try

http://www.whitehouse.org/
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: AndyF on May 16, 2006, 03:31:10 pm
Quote from: "emgee"
Quote from: "tubby two"
Instructions...

Go to 'www.google.co.uk'

Type in 'Failure'

Press 'I'm feeling lucky'

Smile.

tt.


Then try

http://www.whitehouse.org/


Top, top quality...
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: tubby two on May 16, 2006, 04:32:07 pm
Awful, a true cavers joke...!


A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman "Can I have a pint of
beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?". The barman is amazed but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie. The rabbit drinks
the beer and eats the toastie, he then leaves.

The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a Pint of Beer
and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit
and the extra drinkers in the pub (because word gets round) gives the
rabbit the pint and the toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.

The next night, the pub is packed, in walks the rabbit and says "A pint
of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman". The crowd is
hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie and then
burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.

The next night there is standing room only in the pub, coaches have been
laid on for the crowds of patrons attending, the barman is making more
money in one week than he did all last year. In walks the rabbit and
says, "A Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman",
smiling and accepting the tributes of the masses. The barman says, "I'm
sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker but we are right out of them Ham and
Cheese Toasties". The rabbit looks aghast, the crowd has quietened to
almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says,
"We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie". The rabbit looks him
in the eye and says, "Are you sure I will like it?" The masses bated
breath is ear shatteringly silent. The barman, with a roguish smile says
"Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends, I know
you'll love it". "Ok" says the rabbit," I'll have a Pint of Beer and a
Cheese and Onion Toastie". The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs
the beer and guzzles the toastie, he then waves to the crowd and
leaves....

....NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!

One year later in the now impoverished public house, the barman (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his) calls time. When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar. The barman says, "Who are you" To which he is answered, "I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house".
The barman says, "I remember you, you made me famous, you would come in every night and have a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, masses came to see you and this place was famous" The rabbit ays, "Yes I know". The barman said, "I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties, you had a Cheese and Onion one instead" The rabbit said "Yes, you promised me that I would love it". The barman said "You never came back, what happened?"

"I DIED", said the Rabbit.

"NO!" said the barman,"what from".
After a short pause. The rabbit said...













wait for it ...........













"Mixin'-me-toasties".


 :roll:  :roll:  :roll:  :roll:

tt.
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Mr Fell on May 17, 2006, 06:32:07 pm
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party. The
Indian Chief proclaims "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honour of the
Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill
you, I will grant you three requests What is your first request?" The Lone
Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."
Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in
Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver
returns with a beautiful blond woman on his back. As the Indian Chief
watches, the blond enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very
fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your
second request?" The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver
is brought to him and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before,
Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon. Later
that evening, to the Chief's surprise.
Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, even more
attractive than the blond. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the
night. The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are
indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. What is
your last request." The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my
horse, alone."
Once they are alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him
square in the eye and says, "Listen carefully, for the last time, I Said
POSSE.

 :lol:  :lol:  :lol:  :lol:
Title: Friday Joke
Post by: rhychydwr1 on May 22, 2006, 12:26:51 pm
Scouse Contraceptive

After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was
enough, as the social wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they
weren't strong enough to nick one, the husband went to his
 doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have
any more children.

The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that
would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly
alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can,
then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Scouser said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest guy in
the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next  
to my ear is going to help me." "Trust me, it will do the job", said the
doctor.

So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He
held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at
which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could
continue counting on his other hand...

This procedure also works in Birmingham, parts of Essex,
Sunderland, Surrey , and anywhere in Wales
Title: Friday Joke
Post by: rhychydwr1 on May 22, 2006, 12:34:15 pm
Some retired deputy sheriffs went to a retreat in the
mountains.  To save money, they decided to sleep
two to a room. No one wanted to  room with
Gus because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair
to  make one of them stay with him the whole time,
 so they voted to take turns.

The first deputy slept with Gus and comes to breakfast the
next mornrning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said,
"Gus snored so loudly, I  just
sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different deputy's turn. In the
morning,  same thing--hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot.
They said,  "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!"
He said, "Man, that Gus shakes the roof. I watched him all night."

The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly
ex-football  player; a man's man. The next morning he came
 to breakfast  bright eyed and bushy tailed.
"Good morning." They couldn't believe it!

They  said,  "Man, what happened?" He said,
"Well, we got ready for bed. I  went and
 tucked Gus into bed and kissed him good night.
He sat up and  watched  me all night long."
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: gus horsley on May 22, 2006, 01:44:44 pm
Erm, after that last joke, does anyone know of a good solicitor?  Only I might be needing one.
Title: Bad Joke
Post by: danthecavingman on May 23, 2006, 03:08:01 pm
Can you name three fish that begin and end with a "k"?

No....


Ok...


1) Killer Shark




2) Kwik-Save Frozen Haddock!






3) Kilmarnock......














It's a plaice in Scotland!!

Oh dear.

Dan.
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Peter Burgess on May 23, 2006, 03:24:11 pm
Quote
Erm, after that last joke, does anyone know of a good solicitor? Only I might be needing one.


So might danthecavingman!!
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: gus horsley on May 23, 2006, 04:22:49 pm
These were allegedly overheard in various garden centres:

Have you anything pink that grows to about 9"?

We tried it in the shade and up against the fence and it still wouldn't grow big enough.

He tried Miracle grow but it didn't make any difference.

We tried it out the front and then at the back but it seemed better when we had it on the patio.

Will you let me know when you get it in?

My next-door neighbour liked it so much, when it got big enough my husband poked it through the fence into next door's garden.  They were ever so grateful.

he sprays all the plants with it every week.

How deep should we put it in for best results?

We were told it was hardy but it shrivelled during the winter.

I just don't have the energy any more.  I just leave the gardener to do it on his own.

I'm looking for something to fill my wet area.

I want my hole filled before the frost comes.

My first husband tried it.  Now I'll see if the second can manage it without falling off the ladder.

It lasted all summer and then it fell off.

If I decided I wanted it would you put it in for me?

My wife prefers it on the side of the bed facing east.

What are those dangly bits for?

Should we try it in the greenhouse?

I hope the batteries last longer than an hour.

My husband tries to keep the squirrels from eating his nuts off the table.

Have you got fat balls?

He puts his nuts out every day for the birds.

It was pink and now it's turned blue.

Does the cold weather affect yours?

Do you have a slow release?
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Dep on May 23, 2006, 04:38:09 pm
A married couple is lying in bed one night. The wife is curled up ready to go to sleep, and the husband turns his bed lamp on to read a book.

As he's reading, he periodically reaches over to his wife and fondles her special area. He does this a few times, but only for a very short interval before returning to read his book.

The wife gradually becomes more and more aroused and, assuming that her husband is seeking some encouragement before going further, gets up and starts stripping in front of him.

The husband is confused and asks, "Why are you taking off your cloths?

His wife replies, "You were rubbing me downtown. I thought it was foreplay."

The husband says, "No, not at all."

His wife asks angrily, "Well, what the hell were you doing then?"

"I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my book"
Title: RULE BRITANNIA!!
Post by: rhychydwr1 on May 24, 2006, 10:30:05 am
VERY PROUD TO BE BRITISH BECAUSE:

Only in Britain.. can a pizza get to your house faster than an  ambulance.

Only in Britain.. do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way
to the back of the store to get their prescriptions, whilst the
healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in Britain do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries
and a diet coke.

Only in Britain.. do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens
to the counters.

Only in Britain.. do we leave thousands of pounds worth of car on
the drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.

Only in Britain.. do we use answering machines to screen our calls
and then have call waiting so that we won't miss a call from someone we
didn't want to speak to in the first place.

Only in Britain.. are there disabled car parking spaces in front of
a skating rink.

NOT TO MENTION

3 Brits die each year testing a 9-volt battery to see if it works
on their tongue.

142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all the pins from  
new shirts.

58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of  
screwdrivers.

31 Brits have died since 1996 through watering their Christmas tree
while the fairy lights were plugged in.

19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that the Christmas
decorations on the tree were chocolate.

British hospitals reported :4 broken arms last year after cracker
pulling accidents.

101 Brits have had broken parts of plastic toys pulled out of the  
soles of their feet since 1999.

18 Brits had serious burns in 2000 by trying on a new jumper with a
  lit cigarette in their mouth.

A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A & E in the last 2 years
after opening bottles of beer with their teeth.

5 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out of
control Scalextric cars.....??????????????

AND FINALLY... In 2000, 8 Brits cracked their skulls whilst  
throwing up in the toilet.

RULE BRITANNIA!!
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: whitelackington on May 24, 2006, 10:35:54 am
EGGsalent!!!
Title: Pearly Gates
Post by: rhychydwr1 on May 25, 2006, 04:07:45 pm
St. Peter stood at the Pearly Gates, waiting for the incoming. He  
saw Jesus walking by and caught his attention. "Jesus, could you  
mind the gate while I go do an errand?"

"Sure," replied Jesus. "What do I have to do?"

"Just find out about the people who arrive. Ask about their  
background, their family, and their lives. Then decide if they  
deserve entry into Heaven."

"Sounds easy enough. OK."

So Jesus waited at the gates while St. Peter went off on his
errand.

The first person to approach the gates was a wrinkled old man.  
Jesus summoned him to the examination table and sat across from  
him. Jesus peered at the old man and asked, "What was it you did  
for a living?"

The old man replied, "I was a carpenter."

Jesus remembered his own earthly existence and leaned forward. "Did
 you have any family?" he asked.

"Yes, I had a son, but I lost him."

Jesus leaned forward some more. "You lost our son? Can you tell me  
about him?"

"Well, he had holes in his hands and feet."

Jesus leaned forward even more and whispered, "Father?"

The old man leaned forward and whispered, "Pinocchio?"
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Roger W on May 26, 2006, 08:59:47 am
The "Ruddy Duck" thread reminded me of the tale about when the Lion felt in need of a bit of you-know what.  All his lionesses were out hunting, so he decided he would have to make do with whatever happened to come along...

The first to pass that way happened to be Mrs Gorilla on her way home from Tesco's.  The King of the Jungle leapt out from the bushes, grabbed her, and dragged her back in.  The leaves shook, the fur flew, and out staggered the Gorilla.

"I'm a raped ape," she moaned, "I'm a raped ape..."

The King of the Jungle wasn't satisfied, however.  He continued to wait in the bushes until young Miss Bear came along.  Once again the victim was dragged into the bushes.  The leaves shook, the fur flew, and out staggered the Bear.

"I'm a ruined bruin!" she wailed, "I'm a ruined bruin..."

Still not satisfied, the King of the Jungle continued to lurk in the bushes, until a duck (a Ruddy Duck?) came waddling along the path. Once again the victim was dragged into the bushes.  The leaves shook, the feathers flew, and out staggered the battered bird...





"It's a mistake, I'm a drake!" he sobbed...
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Cave_Troll on May 26, 2006, 09:09:24 am
A married couple have been stranded on a deserted island for many years. One day another man washes up on shore. He and the wife become attracted to each other right away, but realize they must be creative if they are to engage in any hanky-panky. The husband, however, is very glad to see the second man there. "Now we will be able to have three people doing eight hour shifts in the watchtower, rather than two people doing 12-hour shifts."

The newcomer is only too happy to help and in fact volunteers to do the first shift. He climbs up the tower to stand watch. Soon the couple on the ground are placing stones in a circle to make a fire to cook supper. The second man yells down, "Hey, no screwing!" They yell back, "We're not screwing!"

A few minutes later they start to put driftwood into the stone circle. Again the second man yells down, "Hey, no screwing!" Again they yell back, "We're not screwing!" Later they are putting palm leaves on the roof of their shack to patch leaks. Once again the second man yells down, "Hey, I said no screwing!" They yell back, "We're not screwing!"

Eventually the shift is over and the second man climbs down from the tower to be replaced by the husband. He's not even halfway up before the wife and her new friend are hard at it. The husband looks out from the tower and says, "Son-of-a-gun. From up here it DOES look like they're screwing.
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Cave_Troll on May 26, 2006, 09:10:42 am
Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those who remained talked about their kids.
The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."
The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday."
The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion."
The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the rest-room and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?"
One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. .. What about your son?"
The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub."
The three friends said: "What a shame ... what a disappointment."
The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from three of his boyfriends.
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: gus horsley on May 26, 2006, 09:38:07 am
Here's a few observations about nature:

Eagles may soar but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
A bird in the hand makes blowing your nose difficult.
The more you run over a dead cat the flatter it gets.
Never insult a crocodile until after you've crossed the river.
Deja moo - the feeling you've heard this bull before.
Never wrestle with a pig.  You'll both get dirty and the pig likes it.
Eat a live toad in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day.
I think animal testing is a bad idea.  They get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
The early birds catches the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Dolphins are so intelligent that they can train people to stand at the edge of the pool and throw fish to them.
Contrary to popular belief, a barrel full of monkeys isn't fun at all and is in fact quite horrifying.
Life's like a bird:  it's great until it shits on your head.
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: emgee on May 26, 2006, 02:29:48 pm
This works best if told to a group some of whom are Irish.

So there's this Irish navvy goes for a job on the building site. The foreman isn't too sure about him so says "Before I offer you the job you'll have to take a quick intelligence test".

"So what's the difference between a girder and a joist?"

"Oh but that ones easy Goethe wrote Faust and Joyce wrote Ulysses."
Title: Och aye, the noo!
Post by: rhychydwr1 on May 30, 2006, 02:26:49 pm
Och aye, the noo!

Subject:: Scotsman and money!

A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone  wall,
holding hands, gazing out over the loch. For several  minutes they
sat silently, then finally the girl looked at the boy and  said,

"A  penny for your thoughts, Angus."

 "Well, uh, I was thinkin'...perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly  on the
 cheek. Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze
out over  the loch.

Minutes passed, then the girl spoke again. "Another penny
for your  thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh I was thinkin'...perhaps its noo aboot time for
a  wee  cuddle."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a
few seconds.  Then he blushed. Then the two turned
once again to gaze out  over the  loch.

After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your  
thoughts,   Angus."

"Well, uh I was thinkin'...perhaps its aboot time you let  
me pewt ma  hand on yer leg."

The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her  
knee. Then  he blushed. Then the two turned once
 again to gaze out over  the loch  before the girl spoke again.

"Another penny for your thoughts, Angus".

The young man glanced down with a furled brow.

"Well, noo," he said, "my thoughts are a wee bit more
serious this  time."

"Really?" said the girl in a whisper, filled with  
anticipation.

"Aye," said the lad, nodding.

The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit  
her lip in  anticipation of the ultimate request.

And he said, "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me
the first three pennies?"
Title: Joke 1st June
Post by: rhychydwr1 on June 01, 2006, 03:07:15 pm
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding  
drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22  
MPH. He thinks to himself, 'This driver is just as dangerous as a  
speeder!' So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies --  
two in the front seat and three in the back -- wide eyed and white  
as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, 'Officer, I
 don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems
to be the problem?'

'Ma'am,' the officer replies, 'you weren't speeding, but you should
 know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a
danger  to other drivers.'

'Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit  
exactly ... Twenty-two miles an hour!' the old woman says a bit  
proudly.

The officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that '22'  
was the route number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for  
pointing out her error.

'But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask ... Is everyone in  
this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't  
muttered a single peep this whole time,' the officer asks.

'Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off  
Route 119.
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: beardedboy on June 02, 2006, 05:43:19 pm
Quote from: "tubby two"
Instructions...

Go to 'www.google.co.uk'

Type in 'Failure'

Press 'I'm feeling lucky'

Smile.

tt.


Try typing in ' French military victories'

Press 'I'm feeling lucky'

Smile again!
Title: Some people will do anything just to get noticed............
Post by: rhychydwr1 on June 03, 2006, 11:20:52 am
Some people will do anything just to get noticed............

   go to this page and turn the sound up

    www.callme.nm.ru

   Type in GUS and click on enter!
Title: Ed Zachary disease
Post by: rhychydwr1 on June 03, 2006, 11:28:50 am
A woman was very distraught over the fact that she had not had a
date or any sex for over 5 years. She was afraid she might have
something wrong with her, so she decided to seek medical expertise
with the well known Chinese sex therapist, Dr Chang.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr Chang said "OK, take off all
your crose." The woman did as she was told. "Now get down and
craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room."

Again the woman did as she was instructed. Dr Chang then said "OK,
now craw reery, reery fass back to me."

As she did Dr Chang shook his head slowly. "Your probrem vewy
bad.

You have Ed Zachary disease. Wurse case I ever see. Dat why you
not haf sex or dates."

The woman asked anxiously "Oh my God, Dr Chang what is Ed Zachary disease?"

Dr Chang sighed deeply and replied,

"Ed Zachary disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your arse."
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Mr Fell on June 06, 2006, 06:39:45 pm
Q. Whats soft and warm when you go to sleep and hard and stiff when you wake up?

A. Vomit ! :oops:
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: darkplaces on June 06, 2006, 08:30:31 pm
Quote from: "Mr Fell"
Q. Whats soft and warm when you go to sleep and hard and stiff when you wake up?

A. Vomit ! :oops:
Amazing how that stuff clings to hair in the morning. Like wearing a hat!
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Slug on June 06, 2006, 10:27:31 pm
Quote from: "beardedboy"
Quote from: "tubby two"
Instructions...

Go to 'www.google.co.uk'

Type in 'Failure'

Press 'I'm feeling lucky'

Smile.

tt.


Try typing in ' French military victories'

Press 'I'm feeling lucky'

Smile again!



 What about the Rainbow Warrior ?. Does'nt that count   8) .
 Still, You've got to admire the way They palmed Viet-Nam off on the Yanks though
 :lol:
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Brendan on June 07, 2006, 03:01:41 am
A South African gold miner loses his leg in a mining accident and is sat in hospital talking to his mate.

 

"Well that's me f*cked!  Who on earth's going to want a one-legged gold-digger?"

 

His mate replies "Well, you could always try Paul McCartney"
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: AndyF on June 07, 2006, 08:53:21 am
Quote from: "c**tplaces"
Quote from: "Mr Fell"
Q. Whats soft and warm when you go to sleep and hard and stiff when you wake up?

A. Vomit ! :oops:
Amazing how that stuff clings to hair in the morning. Like wearing a hat!


But cheaper !!!  :D
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: darkplaces on June 07, 2006, 09:41:40 am
Quote from: "AndyF"
Quote from: "c**tplaces"
Quote from: "Mr Fell"
Q. Whats soft and warm when you go to sleep and hard and stiff when you wake up?
A. Vomit ! :oops:
Amazing how that stuff clings to hair in the morning. Like wearing a hat!

But cheaper !!!  :D
And full of colour!
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Mr Fell on June 07, 2006, 06:48:53 pm
If you ask me - this is all a bit sick :oops:
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Roger W on June 08, 2006, 01:53:08 am
Did you have to bring that up?
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: emgee on June 08, 2006, 02:54:34 am
Quote from: "Roger W"
Did you have to bring that up?


Better out than in.
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Roger W on June 08, 2006, 04:39:10 am
My dad used to say that he didn't mind being seasick 'cos he got to enjoy the taste of his food twice that way...

 :?
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: tubby two on June 08, 2006, 12:53:57 pm
I ate a whole chocolate orange one christmas day when i was young and promptly brought it all back up again, its the only time i ever enjoyed being sick as it was just like chocolate orange again.

Sorry, thats not strictly a joke,

Knock knock.....

tt.
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Brains on June 08, 2006, 01:08:22 pm
Should we campaign for more female train drivers?
After all, it is a womans right to Choo-Choo's.....
 :roll:
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: tubby two on June 08, 2006, 03:27:20 pm
Women have rights down there? Whatever next.

tt.
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Brains on June 08, 2006, 04:14:07 pm
The right to cook tea
The right to wash up
The right to clean
The right to hoover
Women have very many rights....


(sound of steps running away and trap door shutting behind me....)
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: AndyF on June 08, 2006, 04:44:52 pm
"Knock, Knock"

"Who's there?"


"Oh.... you've heard it......"
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Dave H on June 08, 2006, 11:07:29 pm
Quote from: "Roger W"
My dad used to say that he didn't mind being seasick 'cos he got to enjoy the taste of his food twice that way...
 :?


When my wife worked in a hospital pharmacy she conducted a year long study with the patients on what flavours tasted the best when they were brought back up. The conclusion was that Strawberry tastes nearly the same when brought back up (from an empty stomach) with Banana as a close second. Just about everything else tasted pretty vile apparently! :?
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Roger W on June 09, 2006, 01:59:35 am
Quote from: "Brains"
The right to cook tea
The right to wash up
The right to clean
The right to hoover
Women have very many rights....


(sound of steps running away and trap door shutting behind me....)


right hook?
right jab?
right uppercut?

 :?
Title: Life explained:
Post by: rhychydwr1 on June 09, 2006, 04:11:45 pm
Life explained:

On the first day, God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the
door of  your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten
years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain
people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty
long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?"

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said: "You must go into
the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
 
The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for
sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said: "Eat, sleep, play,
marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my
twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy
ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support
our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the
grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch
and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: AndyF on June 11, 2006, 09:14:05 pm
"Knock, Knock"


"Who's there...?"


"The Police!"


"The police who?"


"The police, and we're not taking any chances..!"    BANG!
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: emgee on June 12, 2006, 02:34:44 am
Quote from: "AndyF"
"Knock, Knock"


"Who's there...?"


"The Police!"


"The police who?"


"The police, and we're not taking any chances..!"    BANG!


I understand that they've simplified the proceedure now it just goes :-

BANG!
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Roger W on June 12, 2006, 02:57:36 am
I understand the Iraqi Police procedure is:

(500lb) BOOM!

(500lb) BOOM!

Knock, knock...
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: emgee on June 12, 2006, 03:51:51 am
Quote from: "Roger W"
I understand the Iraqi Police procedure is:

(500lb) BOOM!

(500lb) BOOM!

Knock, knock...


Didn't think there'd be any Iraqi police left after two big booms :(
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Mr Fell on June 14, 2006, 05:54:40 am
A fresh-faced lad on the eve of his wedding night asks his mother, "Mom, why are wedding dresses white?"

The mother looks at her son and replies,

"Son, this shows the town that your bride is pure."

The son thanks his mom, and then seeks his father opinion,

 "Dad, why are wedding dresses white?"

The father looks at his son! in surprise and says,

  "Son, all household appliances come in white."

 

 :shock:
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: AndyF on June 14, 2006, 12:10:17 pm
Baby camel talking to daddy camel.

"Dad, why have we got these humps?"

"Well, my son, we are the ships of the desert, we fill them up with water and can walk for hundreds of miles across the desert wastes"

"Dad, Why have we got big feet?"

"Well son, we are kings of the desert, but the desert sand are soft and treacherous, and we need wide feet to avoid sinking as we labour across the dunes"

"Dad, why have we got thick coats?"

"Well, my son, it is bitterly cold at night in the deserts, and we need thick coats to protect us from biting wind and fierce sandstorms"

"Dad...?"


"Yes son..?"


"Why do we live in Chessington Zoo?"
Title: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: AndyF on June 14, 2006, 03:42:22 pm
Jacques Chirac, The French President, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

"Hallo, Mr. Chirac!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy Down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!"

Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Begoora!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Chirac asks.

"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."

Chirac sighs amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke."

"Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!"

Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!"

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Chirac! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war."

"Really? I am sorry to hear that," says Chirac. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness, and decided there is no fookin' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: gus horsley on June 15, 2006, 12:16:42 pm
I'm having a bad day.  I got my sleeping pills mixed up with my viagra and now I'm having forty wanks.
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Peter Burgess on June 15, 2006, 12:33:26 pm
  :chair: Disgusting!!!!
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Billy Butcombe on June 15, 2006, 12:57:45 pm
Doh ! :shag:
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: danthecavingman on June 15, 2006, 03:25:31 pm
Manchester United manager Ferguson sends scouts out around the world looking for a new midfielder to replace Beckham and to hopefully win the title. One of his scouts informs him of a young Iraqi striker who he thinks will turn out to be a true superstar. So Ferguson flies to Iraq to watch him and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come to Old Trafford.

Two weeks later Man u are 4-0 down at home to Liverpool with only 20 minutes left to play. Fergie gives the young Iraqi the nod to go on. The lad is a sensation, scores 5 in 20 minutes and wins the game for Man U. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star. When he comes off the pitch the young lad rings his mum to tell her about his first day in English football.

"Hi mum guess what?" he says "I played for 20 minutes today and we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans the players and the media, they all love me"

"Great" says his mum "let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters while you were having a good time."

The young lad is very upset "What can I say mum, I'm so sorry"

"Sorry!" says his mum, "It's your bloody fault that we moved to Manchester in the first place!"
Title: True, all true
Post by: rhychydwr1 on June 16, 2006, 10:15:19 am
The following is an actual question given on a University of 
Liverpool chemistry final exam. (Hmmmm?)

The answer was so "profound" that the departmental head shared it 
with colleagues via the Internet, which is why we now have the 
pleasure of enjoying it as well.


Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic 
(absorbs heat)?


Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's 
Law that gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed 
or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:


First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So
we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and 
the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely 
assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore,
no souls are leaving.


As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the 
different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these 
religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you
will go to Hell.
Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do
not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all
souls  go to Hell.


With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of
souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate
 of change of the volume in Hell. Because Boyle's Law states that
in  order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay
constant,  the volume of Hell must expand proportionately as souls
are added.  This gives two possibilities:


1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which 
souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will 
increase until all Hell breaks loose.


2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls
  in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell 
freezes over. So which is it?


If we accept the postulate given to me by Gus my boyfriend  [!]
during my first year, that "it will be a cold day in Hell before I 
sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with 
him last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that
  Hell is endothermic and has already frozen over.


The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it
  follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is extinct 
leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a Divine 
Being -  which explains why, last night, Gus kept shouting  "Oh 
my God."



APPARENTLY THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A".

Well you would wouldn't you.....




Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Wolfart on June 16, 2006, 12:34:35 pm
SURELY MUST BE AN  A* :beer2:
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Rhys on June 16, 2006, 12:40:34 pm
Speaking as a Chemistry graduate, I think the question is more ridiculous than the answer! It clearly isn't really an "actual question".

:-)
Rhys
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: tubby two on June 16, 2006, 02:28:33 pm
Hmmm... questions the value of a liverpool degree if thats true! I heard a similar one a few years ago for philosophy, the question being "Is this a question?", and the best answer apparently being "I don't know but this is an answer", or something. Hmmm...

tt.
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Cave_Troll on June 16, 2006, 02:36:37 pm
I've got to doubt its authenticity as the version i saw was written by a male student and mentioned that **** (girls name) told me she'd only sleep we me when hell freezes over..
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Peter Burgess on June 16, 2006, 02:40:33 pm
What do you get when you split the atom?

Fission chips.
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: wormster on June 16, 2006, 08:27:00 pm
Yet another one from our royal corespondant:

Newcastle, February: A backyard cricket game turned into a beer-fuelled slog-a-thon when the Queen smashed a massive 738 runs in a marathon 19 hour innings that neighbours described as "bloody noisy".

The Queen took to the crease shortly after her 4th beer at 8am, and batted through until 3am the following morning showing form that onlookers likened to "a pissed Bradman". The backyard, littered with empty stella cans, came into its own midway through the afternoon with the introduction of the "Hit a can, Skull a can" rule. But the extra alcohol did not dent the Queen's concentration, says Johnno: "The more she drank the straighter she played. The beer just made her better."
Johnno, who had smoked cones in the afternoon drinks break, admitted to not helping the cause by bowling 47 wides in a single over.

The match, extended into the night by backyard floodlights, finally ended in controversial circumstances when Johnno, unable to locate the ball, bowled the sack from a wine cask and took out middle stump. David Boon described the innings as "fucking tops".
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Mr Fell on June 21, 2006, 07:25:33 pm
From the depths of the crypt at St. Giles
Came a scream that echoed for miles.
Said the Vicar: "Good gracious!
Has Father Ignatius
Forgotten the Bishop has piles?"
 :lol:
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Mr Fell on June 22, 2006, 06:27:54 pm
It 's a very sad world we live in when Sir Paul McCartney and his wife
are facing divorce and all anyone seems to want to do is make jokes about
her false leg

Personally, I think it's prosthetic.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

News reports have confirmed that Paul McCartney has separated from his
wife Heather Mills-McCartney.

Mrs Mills-McCartney is said to be distraught over the split. "He has
been my crutch for so long"! She said in an earlier briefing, "I have no idea
why this has happened, I'm stumped"

"She's running around in circles", according to a close friend, "she
will need all the support she can get. It's not like its easy to walk out on
a relationship like this"
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

It is not known whether a pre-nuptial agreement was signed prior to the
marriage. Paul McCartney is one of the richest men in the world amassing
a colossal wealth due to his participation with The Beatles and subsequent
musical collaborations, if an agreement hasn't been signed it is
believed that she won't have a leg to stand on.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Rumours abound over the split which have suggested that infidelity may
have been the cause. "She's terrible" a source stated, "always trying to get
her leg over".
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Another source has suggested that her battle with alcoholism was the
cause. "Macca couldn't handle it anymore" a friend said, "he would get home at
night and find her legless"

Many have attributed this to a problem which started with the present
that Paul bought her prior to the wedding. He gave her a new Prosthetic leg
for Christmas but that was just a stocking-filler. The main gift was a plane
but then he gave her a Lady-Shave for the other leg.

Apparently she wants to keep the plane he bought her for Christmas, she
says she'll buy her own Immac for the other leg.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

A poem by Sir Paul McCartney-

I lay upon a grassy bank
My hands were all a quiver
I slowly removed her suspender belt
and her leg fell in the river
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


_____________________________________________________________ :o
Title: just some funny blonde jokes
Post by: rhychydwr1 on June 23, 2006, 10:51:45 am


Two blondes living in Townsville were sitting on a bench talking......
And one blonde says to the other, "Which do
You think is farther away..........Melbourne or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can You see Melbourne...?????"

CAR TROUBLE

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the
Mechanic it died.

After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling
smoothly. She Says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"

She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"


SPEEDING TICKET

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her
very Nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your
act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and
then today you expect me to show it to you!"


RIVER WALK

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river
and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she
shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"

The second blonde looks up the river then down the river
and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."


AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office
and said That her body hurt wherever she touched it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast
and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even
More. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she
Pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched
Made her scream.

The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?

"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken"

BLONDE ON THE SUN

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, "We were the first in space!" The American
said, "We  were The first on the moon!"

The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on
the Sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and
shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn
up!" said The Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know.
We're going at night!"


IN A VACUUM

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was
her turn.
She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature.
Her Question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls
your Name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"


FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired
two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde
responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one
was named Timex.

Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs
like that?"

"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They're

Watch dogs!"

************************************************************
Title: A football joke
Post by: rhychydwr1 on June 24, 2006, 11:13:49 am
A primary teacher starts a new job at a school on Merseyside
and, trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her
class that she is a Liverpool fan.

She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Liverpool  fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.

The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: "Mary, why didn't
You raise your hand?"

"Because I'm not a Liverpool fan," Mary replied.

The teacher, still shocked, asks: "Well, if you're not a Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?"

"I'm a West Ham United fan, and proud of it," Mary replied.

The teacher could not believe her ears. "Mary, why are you a Hammers fan?"

"Because my mum and dad are from the East End, and my mum is a West Ham fan and my dad is a West Ham fan, so I'm a West Ham fan too!

"Well," said the teacher, in an annoyed tone, "that's no reason for you to be a West Ham fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time.What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict and car thief, what would you be then?"

"Then," Mary smiled, "I'd be a Liverpool fan."



Title: Re: just some funny blonde jokes
Post by: Slug on June 24, 2006, 09:42:15 pm


FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!


 Two blondes,,,,let's call them Paris and Nikki,,were lounging on the lawn, Nikki was doing a Cross Word Puzzle. She was, however stuck on a rather difficult clue.

Nikki: "Paris can You help Me with this one?" She asked. " Old MacDonald had one of these ".

Paris:  " Oh thats easy Nikki, it's Farm ".

Nikki: " Oh yeh, so it is...................How do You spell it Paris? ". She asked

 Paris thought about it for a few minutes and then said " Eee , Eye , Eee , Eye , Owe "
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: AndyF on June 29, 2006, 04:38:22 pm
A fireman is polishing his fire engine outside the fire station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red cart with little ladders hung on the side and garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The little girl is wearing a fireman's helmet and has the cart tied to a Dog and a cat.

The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look, 'That's a lovely Fire engine,' he says admiringly. 'Thanks,' says the little girl. The fireman looks closer and notices the little girl has tied one of the cart's strings to the dog's collar and one to the cat's testicles.

'Little colleague,' says the fire fighter, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your fire engine, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could probably go a lot faster.'

The little girl pauses for a moment, looks at the wagon, at the dog and at the cat, then shyly looks into the fireman's eyes and says.........

"You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a f**king siren, Would I?"
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Mr Fell on July 01, 2006, 07:19:00 am
A young woman in New York City was severely depressed so she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.

She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier crying.

He took pity on her and said,

"Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."

Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added,

"I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."

The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. This continued every night of the trip. Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain.

"What are you doing here?" the Captain asked. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained.

"I get food and a trip to Europe and he's screwing me."

"He sure is, lady," the Captain said. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."
 :lol:
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: AndyF on July 01, 2006, 11:07:26 pm
A man walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer. Suddenly he notices a very large pickled onion jar sitting on the bar. The jar is full to the brim with £10 notes, £5 notes and £1 and £2 coins.
'What's with the jar?' He asks the landlord.

'You put £5 into the jar and I give you three tasks' the landlord says. 'If you successfully complete the tasks you get to keep all the money in the jar.'

'What are the tasks?' asks the man.

'Task number one' says the landlord 'is you have to drink three double whiskies in under a minute.

The man listens intently. 'What's task number two?' he asks.

'Task number two is this: We have a guard dog out in the back yard - a rottweiller actually - and he's a mean son of a b**ch at the best of times. At the moment he has a raging toothache and it'll be your job to extract the bad tooth.'

'Bloody hell' says the man. 'OK what's the third task?'

'The third task' says the landlord 'is that my old grandma, who lives in the room upstairs, hasn't had a man in 35 years. It'll be your job to change this fact.'

On hearing this the man politely declines and walks over to a table with his pint.
About an hour - and five pints - later the man is feeling a little braver and decides to take the landlord up on his offer. He places his fiver into the jar and the landlord pours him three double whiskies. He knocks these back one after the other and manages to do it just inside the minute.

The landlord then points him in the direction of the door leading to the back yard and the angry rottweiller.
For the next thirty minutes the whole pub is transfixed in silence as loud screaming, barking and growling noises are heard coming from the back yard.
Finally the man walks back into the pub. He's covered in cuts, scratches and bite marks and his clothes are ripped to shreds.

'Right' he says. 'That's task number two completed. Now where's the old lady with the painful tooth?'
Title: A nun joke?
Post by: rhychydwr1 on July 03, 2006, 06:15:27 pm

A Soldier came to a fork in the road and saw a nun standing there.

He asked, "Please Sister, may I hide under your skirts for a few
minutes? I'll explain why later."

The nun agreed to his request.  Shortly thereafter, the two MPs came
running along and asked her if she had seen a soldier running down  the
road. She replied, "He went that way."  After the MPs disappeared,  the
soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said. "I can't thank you
enough Sister, but you see I don't want to go to Iraq."  The nun  said she
can fully understand the fear.

The soldier added, "I hope you don't think me rude or impertinent,  but you
have the most beautiful pair of legs I've ever seen!"

The nun replied," If you had looked a little higher, you would  have seen
the most beautiful pair of balls you've ever seen. I don't want to  go to
Iraq either!"

 
 
Title: Running Doe
Post by: rhychydwr1 on July 04, 2006, 09:42:44 am
A young Native American woman went to a doctor for her first ever physical exam. After checking all of her vitals and running The usual  tests, the doctor said, "Well, Running Doe, you are in fine health. I could find no problems. I did notice one abnormality however."

"Oh, what is that, Doctor?" "Well, you have no nipples."

"None of the people in my tribe have nipples," She replied.

"That is  amazing," said the doctor. "I'd like to write this up for The South Dakota Journal of Medicine if you don't mind.

She said, "OK."

"First of all" asked the doctor, "how many people are in your tribe?"

She answered, "Approximately 500."

"And what is the name of your tribe?" Asked the doctor. *

Running Doe replied, "We're called .

"The Indiannippleless Five Hundred"



Title: Unsavoury sweets!
Post by: rhychydwr1 on July 04, 2006, 09:45:47 am
 



Vanilla Pudding Robbery

This is just too funny not to share. Excerpted from an article  which appeared
in the Dublin Times about a bank robbery on March 2.

Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at  disabling the
security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to
find one or two large safes filled with cash &  valuables, were  surprised
to see hundreds of smaller safes throughout the bank.

The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they
found only a small bowl of vanilla pudding.

As recorded on the bank's audio tape system, one robber said,  "At
least we'll have a bit to eat."

The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but
vanilla pudding. The process continued until all safes were opened.
They did not find one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold.
Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding.
Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing
more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach. The newspaper headline
read:












IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING !


 
 
 
Title: At the Zoo
Post by: rhychydwr1 on July 05, 2006, 09:56:57 am
A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo.
 She was wearing a  loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with
straps.  He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt.
As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front
of a large, silverback gorilla.
Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy.
He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and 2 feet
he  grunted  and pounded his chest with his free hand.
He was obviously excited at the  pretty lady in the pink
dress.
 
The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny.
 He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by
puckering  her lips and wiggling her bottom.
She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making
noises  that would wake the dead.
Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall
to show a  little more skin.
She did, and the gorilla was about  to tear the bars down.
 "Now show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he
said.  This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing
flips.

Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the
cage,  flung  her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.

 "Now, tell him, you have a headache."



Title: Another blonde joke
Post by: rhychydwr1 on July 05, 2006, 12:06:55 pm
There is a blond driving through the country. She has just dyed her hair brown because she is sick of being made fun of. She is really hungry. She stops at a farmer's house and says "Hi! If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I have one?" Farmer says ok. She quickly counts them and says "91!" The farmer looks around puzzled and says "Ok. Take one." When the Blond is walking back to her car the farmer asks "If I can guess your natural hair color, can I have my dog back?"



Title: Father of my kid
Post by: rhychydwr1 on July 05, 2006, 12:11:02 pm

A guy goes to a  supermarket  and a beautiful blonde waves at him and says hello.

He is rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from so he says “do I know   you”?

 

She replies “I think you are the father of one of  my kids”!

 

 His eyes get big as he thinks back to the only time  he was ever unfaithful and he says.” My God

  are you the stripper from my Bachelor party. The one I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while my partner whipped my ass  with wet celery and then stuck a carrot up my arse”?

 

She replies “No  I am your son's Maths teacher”

 
 
 
 
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: gus horsley on July 05, 2006, 12:12:14 pm
What's the difference between a Yorkshireman and a coconut?

You can get a drink out of a coconut.
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Brains on July 05, 2006, 02:46:21 pm
Some "Rodge and Podge" one liners I was sent - apparently its an Irish thing....
Probably seen / heard them before, but what the heck, enjoy!


I'm as sick as a small hospital

I'm so hungry I'd eat a small child

She had a face on her like a well slapped a*se

Your' re as welcome as a f*rt in a spacesuit

My mouth's as dry as a nun's cr@ck

He has rubber-lined pockets so he can steal soup

He thinks manual labour is a Spanish musician

As funny as a burning orphanage

He's so camp, he shites tent pegs

I'm as sick as a plane to Lourdes

I feel like a boiled sh1te (hung-over)

(when leaving) I'm off like a debs dress

She had a face on her that would drive rats from a barn

As busy as the Dalkey dole office

Sweatin' like a paedophile in a Barney suit

As tight as a nun's knickers

I'm so horny I'd get up on the crack of dawn

I'd crawl a million miles across broken glass to kiss the exhaust of the
van that took her dirty knickers to the laundry.

Up and down like a hoor's knickers

No show pony but would do for a ride around the house

Did your mother find out who your father is yet?

What would ye expect from a pig but a grunt

I left her with a face like a painter's radio

A Mickey the size of a double-value can of Right Guard

Jays us, she could breastfeed a creche

As fit as a butcher's dog

She ' s got more chins than a Chinese phone book

Not even the tide would take her out

Mother Teresa wouldn't 't kiss her

Daz wouldn't shift her

Des Kelly wouldn't lay her

A sniper wouldn't take her out

Jays us, ya wouldn't ride her into battle

If I'd a bag of bruised willies I wouldn't give her one

She has a face on her like a bulldog that's just licked p*ss off a
nettle

She wouldn't get a kick in a stampede

She had a f@nny like a badly packed kebab

If I'd a garden full of Mickey's I wouldn't let her look over the wall
Title: Three Italian Nuns...
Post by: rhychydwr1 on July 06, 2006, 10:21:05 am


Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven where they are met by St Peter at the pearly gates. St Peter says 'Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives, that I'm granting you six months to go back to Earth and be anyone you want'.
The first nun says 'I want to be Sophia Loren' and POOF she's gone.
The second says 'I want to be Madonna' and POOF she's gone.
The third says 'I want to be Sara Pipalini'.
St Peter looks perplexed. 'Who?' he says.
'Sara Pipalini' replies the nun.
St Peter shakes his head and says 'I'm sorry, that name just doesn't ring a bell.'
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says 'No Sister, this says 'Sahara Pipeline laid by 500 men'!'
 

Title: Try this in the nineteenth
Post by: rhychydwr1 on July 06, 2006, 10:27:45 am
 
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday
morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched
in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome
of men playing the next hole.

Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately
clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the
ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began
to apologize. She explained that she was a physical
therapist: 'Please allow me to help. I'm a physical
therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd
allow me', she told him earnestly.

Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be allright...I'll be fine in
a few minutes, he replied breathlessly as he remained
in the fetal position still clasping his hands together
at his crotch.

But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help
him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to
the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands
inside and began to massage him. She then asked him:
How does that feel? To which he replied: It feels
great, but my thumb still hurts like hell.
 

 
 
Title: Life in a mayonnaise jar and coffee
Post by: rhychydwr1 on July 07, 2006, 10:23:59 am
Life in a mayonnaise jar and coffee


This is so true! Please take the time to read it!!

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours
in a day are not enough, remember the story of the mayonnaise jar and the
coffee.

Gus stood before his philosophy class and had some items in
front of him.

When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty
mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.

He then asked the students if the jar was full.  They agreed that it
was.

Gus then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the
jar.

He shook the jar lightly and the pebbles rolled into the open areas
between the golf balls.

He then asked the students again if the jar was full.  They agreed it
was.

Gus next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar.
Of course, the sand filled up everything else.

He asked once more if the jar was full.  The students responded with a
unanimous "yes."

Gus then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and
poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty
space between the sand.  The students laughed.

Now," said Gus, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to
recognise that this jar represents your life.  The golf balls are the
important things, your family, your children, your faith, your health,
your friends, and your favourite passions.  Things that if everything else
was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles
are other things that matter, your job, your house, and your car.

The sand is everything else.  The small stuff.

If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room
for the pebbles or the golf balls.  The same goes for life.

If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never
have room for the things that are important to you.

Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.

Play with your children.

Take time to get medical checkups.

Take your partner out to dinner.

Play another 18 holes.

There will always be time to clean the house and get rid of the rubbish
later.

Take care of the golf balls first, the things that really matter.  Set
your priorities.  The rest is just sand."

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented.

Gus smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show You that
no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of
cups of coffee with a friend."



Please share this with someone nice.  I just did.



Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Mr Fell on July 09, 2006, 03:46:53 pm
A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, "Excuthe me, do you habe any widdle wabbits?"

The shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and says, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft, fuffy bwack wabbit, or one like that widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

The little girl blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and whispers...."I don't weally fink my pet pyfon gives a phuk" :clap2:
Title: Monday's Jokes
Post by: rhychydwr1 on July 10, 2006, 11:22:55 am
Gus was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked  up to
the  bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors:
green, red,  orange, blue and yellow. Gus just stared and  stared.
Every time the  young man looked, Gus was staring. The  young man
finally said  sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done
anything wild in  your life?" Without batting an eye, Gus
replied, "Got drunk once  and had sex with a peacock. I was  wondering if
you were my son...."
--------------------------------------------------------------------- ----
--------------------------------------------------------------------- ----
-----------------   The India government today announced that it is
adopting the CONDOM as its  National Emblem because it more  accurately
reflects the government's  political stance.
A CONDOM allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next
generation, protects a bunch of pricks and gives you a sense of  security
while you are actually being screwed.

--------------------------------------------------------------------- ----
--------------------------------------------------------------------- ----
-----------------   The definition of TRUE BRAVERY : To reach home  late,
drunk after a  boys' night out, to find wife waiting with broom & you
ask, "Are you still  cleaning or are you flying somewhere ?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------- ----
--------------------------------------------------------------------- ----
-----------------   Q : Why are hurricanes named after women ?
A : 'Cos they come wet and wild and leave with your car and house.

--------------------------------------------------------------------- ----
--------------------------------------------------------------------- ----
-----------------
Elephant to Camel : "Why do you have boobs on your back ?"
Camel to Elephant : "That's a f*****g good question coming from  someone
who  has a penis on his face."

--------------------------------------------------------------------- ----
--------------------------------------------------------------------- ----
-----------------
An old, white haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday  evening
with a beautiful young girl at his side.

He told the jeweller that he was looking for a special ring for his
girlfriend. The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out  a $5000
ring and showed it to him.

The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something
really  special  for this lovely lady." At that statement, the  jeweller went
to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a
stunning  ring at only $40,000," the jeweller said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with
excitement.  The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it." The young
lady was  absolutely ecstatic.

The jeweller asked how payment would be made and  the old man  stated, "By
cheque . Now, I  know you need to make sure the cheque  is good,  so I'll
write it now and you can call the bank on Monday to  verify the  funds And

I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, a very pissed-off jeweller phoned the old man.  "There's
no  money in that account !"

"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine  weekend I had?
  -------------------------------------------------------------------- ---
--------------------------------

Title: News from our sisiter island
Post by: rhychydwr1 on July 10, 2006, 11:28:50 am
For those of you in foreign lands please insert your countries  favourite
persecuted racial minority


Paddy the Irishman died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the
morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends,  Seamus
and Sean (also Irishmen), were sent for. Seamus went in and the
mortician pulled back the sheet.

Seamus said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over".

So the mortician rolled him over.

Seamus looked and said "Nope, it ain't Paddy".

The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought
Sean in to identify the body.

Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll  him over".

The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, "No, it
ain't Paddy".

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"

Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two arseholes."

"What, he had two arseholes???" said the mortician.

"Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into
town, folks would say, "Here comes Paddy with them two arseholes...."

**** **************************

Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border  checkpoint.

Paddy the officer stops them and tells them: "It is illegal to put 5
people in a Quattro, Quattro means four"

"Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishman retorts
disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry  five
persons."

"You cannot pull that one on me," replies Paddy "Quattro means four.
You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the  law".

"The Englishmen replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor
over want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"

"Sorry," responds Paddy, "Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."

****************************************** *****************

Following a night out with a few friends, a man brought them back  to show
off his new flat.
After the grand tour, the visitors were rather perplexed by the  large gong
taking pride of place in the lounge.
"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked.
"Why, that's my Speaking Clock" the man replied.
"How does it work?"
"I'll show you", the man said, giving the gong an ear-shattering  blow with
an unpadded hammer.

Suddenly, a voice from the other side of the wall screamed, "For  *****sake
you *****, it's twenty to two in the ****ing morning!!"

**********************


A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and is  going to
get married.
He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 2 other female  friends
in addition to my fiancee and you try and guess which one I'm going to
marry".
The next day, he brings 3 beautiful women into the house and sits  them down
on the couch and they chat for a while.
He then says, "Okay, Ma. Guess which one I'm going to marry."
She immediately replies, "The red-head in the middle."
"That's amazing, Ma. You're right, how did you know?"

"I don't like her."

***********************************************************

Mick was in court for a double murder and the judge said, "You are
charged with beating your wife to death with a spanner."
A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You b*stard!"
The judge continued, "You are also charged with beating your
daughter to death with a spanner."
Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You ****ing
b*stard!!!"
The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom,
and said, "Paddy, I can understand your anger and frustration at  this crime,
but I will not have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall  charge
you with contempt! Now what is the problem?"

Paddy, at the back of the court stood up and responded, "For  fifteen years
I lived next door to that b*stard. And every time I asked to borrow a
*****ing spanner, he said he didn't have one!"

****************************************** *****************


A manwalks into a bar and asks for a beer.

After drinking it, he looks in his shirt pocket and asks for  another beer.

After drinking that one, he looks in his shirt pocket again and  asks for
another beer.

This happens about another seven times before the bartender asks him,
"Why do you keep looking in your pocket?"

The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in there. When she  looks good
enough, I'll go home."

************************

Title: The Atheist and the Bear
Post by: rhychydwr1 on July 10, 2006, 12:15:21 pm
   

An atheist was walking through the woods.

"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful  animals!" he
said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the  bushes
behind him. He turned and saw a 7-foot grizzly charging towards him.

He ran as fast as he could but, looking over his shoulder, he saw  that
the bear was closing in on him.

He tripped and fell on the ground, rolled over to pick himself  up, but
saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his
left paw and raising his right  paw to strike him.
 
At that instant the atheist cried out, "Oh my God!"
 
Time stopped.
 
The bear froze.
 
The forest was silent.
 
As a bright light shone upon the man and a Voice came out of the sky.

"You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist, and
even credit creation to cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you
 out of this  predicament?
 
Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light and cried: "It would be
hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now but,
perhaps, You could make  the BEAR a Christian"?
 
"Very well," said the Voice.
 
The light went out.
 
The sounds of the forest resumed.
 
And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together,  bowed his
head and spoke:
 
"Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive through Christ  our
Lord, Amen."

 
Title: True love?
Post by: rhychydwr1 on July 10, 2006, 12:21:50 pm
Wife: Honey..... What are You Looking for ?
Husband : Nothing.
Wife : Nothing...?? You have been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.
Husband : I was just looking for the expiry date.

                 **********

Q - What is the difference between a Mother and Wife ?
A - One woman brings you into this world crying... and the other  ensures you
continue to do so.

                  **********

Wife : Do you want dinner?
Husband : Sure, what are my choices?
Wife : Yes and no.

                  **********

Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?

Husband: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look  at your
picture and the problem disappears.

Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?

Husband: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other  problem
can there be greater than this one?"


                  **********

A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my
father hadn't left me a fortune?"

"Honey,"
the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT
YOU A FORTUNE"

                 **********

Father to son after exam: "let me see your report card."

Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."

                  **********

Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a
millionaire?"

Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."

Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you
married  her?"

Millionaire: " Billionaire"

               **********

Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.

The guy replies: Thanks for the warning
              **********


Title: Best Beer Commercial yet
Post by: rhychydwr1 on July 12, 2006, 08:53:20 am
http://www.ultimatehandyman.co.uk/best_beercommercial.htm


Then page down to window below.



Works best if you turn the sound on.
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: pisshead on July 12, 2006, 04:06:17 pm
 ;D

i dont know if it has sound, but it was very funny even without it :)
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Brains on July 12, 2006, 05:03:20 pm
Sophie Ellis Bextor has been found headbutted to death in the apartment of a French footballer. 

 

Investigations have shown that it was most probably murder on Zidanes' floor.


 :doubt:
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Wolfart on July 12, 2006, 06:40:39 pm
This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these
> > >blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she
> > >decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.
> > >While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to
> > >paint a couple of rooms in the house.
>The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down
>to the task at hand.
> > >Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell
of
>paint.
> > >He walks in to the living room and finds his wife lying on the
floor
> > >in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and
a
>
> > >fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is OK.
> > >She replies yes.
>He asks what she is doing.
>She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women
>are
>dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house.
> > >He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat.
> > >She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can
and
> > >they said................................
> > > > > >
> > > > > >
> > > > > >
> > > > > > (scroll down)... I love this one .........
> > > > > >
> > > > > >
> > > > >
> > >
> > > > > >
> > > > > >
> > > > > >
> > > > > >
> > > > > >
> > > > > >
> > > > > >
> > > > > >
> > > > > >
> > > > > >
> > > > > >
> > > > > >
> > >FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Dep on July 13, 2006, 04:02:01 am
What Do You Get?

A mother is in the kitchen making supper for her family when her young daughter walks in. "Mommy, where do babies come from?" After thinking about it for a moment, the mother explains, "Well, dear, a girl and a boy fall in love and get married. Then, one night they go into their room, hug and kiss, and have sex." The child looks puzzled. The Mother continues, "That means that daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, dear." The child replies, "But, the other night when I came into your bedroom, you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that, Mommy?"
"Jewellery, dear."


Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Dep on July 13, 2006, 04:02:28 am
Not Seeing

A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire pay check.

When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" He replied, "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Dep on July 13, 2006, 04:02:52 am
Headaches

Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches.
When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist
to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem.
"The good news is I can cure your headaches... The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare
condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache.
The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer,
but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down
the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need: a new suit." He entered the shop and told the
salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"
Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure..."

The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see... 34 sleeve and... 16 and a half neck" Joe was surprised, "That's right, how
did you know?"

"It's my job."

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new
shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure..."

The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see... 9-1/2... E." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How
about a new hat?" Without hesitating, Joe said, "Sure..."

The salesman eyed Joe's head and said, "Let's see... 7-5/8." Joe was incredulous, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought
for a second and said, "Sure..." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size 36."

Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine
and give you one hell of a headache."
Title: Two minute management course (courtesy of Mother Nature)
Post by: rhychydwr1 on July 14, 2006, 10:39:53 am
Two minute management course (courtesy of Mother Nature)

Lesson One
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.  A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"  The eagle answered: "Sure, why not."  So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested.  All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Management Lesson: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

--------------------------------------------------------------

Lesson Two

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.  "They're packed with nutrients."  The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.  He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Management Lesson: Bull shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

--------------------------------------------------------------

Lesson Three
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold; the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.  While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.  As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.  A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.  Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Management Lesson:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

This ends your two minute management course



Title: The Parrot
Post by: rhychydwr1 on July 14, 2006, 11:44:48 am
The Parrot


                A woman went to a pet shop and immediately
                   spotted a large, beautiful parrot..

              There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

             "Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.

                    The owner looked at her and said,
"Well I should tell you first, that this bird used to live in a  house of
      prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."


                The woman thought about this, but decided
                       she wanted the bird any way.

               She took it home and hung the bird's cage up
          in her living room and waited for it to say something.

         The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said,

                         "New house, new madam."

             The woman was a bit shocked at the implication,
               but then thought "that's really not so bad."

            When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school,
                    the bird looked at them and said,

                    "New house, new madam, new girls."

               The girls and the woman were a bit offended
               but then began to laugh about the situation
          considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

                  Soon after, the woman's husband Keith
                           came home from work.

                     The bird looked at him and said,
                              "Hi Gus!"




Title: Another parrot joke
Post by: rhychydwr1 on July 15, 2006, 11:39:13 am
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
What do they say?" the priest inquired. They say 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'"

That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed. Then he thought for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase...in time."

"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"

There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"



Title: Vets' Bills!!
Post by: rhychydwr1 on July 16, 2006, 12:29:19 pm
Vets' bills!!
A woman brought a very limp parrot into a veterinary clinic. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, Polly has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, shrugged, turned and left the room returning in a few moments with a beautiful black Labrador. As the bird's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the parrot from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet escorted the dog from the room and returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up and delicately sniffed the bird. The cat then sat back, shook it's head, meowed and ran out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but, like I said, your parrot is most definitely 100% certifiably dead." He then turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman.
The parrot's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "A HUNDRED AND FIFTY POUNDS!" she cried. "A HUNDRED AND FIFTY POUNDS just to tell me my bird is dead?!"
The vet shrugged. "If you'd taken my word for it the bill would only have been £20, but... what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan.....   



Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: wormster on July 21, 2006, 05:26:28 pm
More from the Royal corespondant:

Wednesday 9am: Queen Elizabeth II was said to be most upset after discovering that her wheely bin had been flogged in the early hours of Wednesday morning.
The Queen, who is always the first on her street to put the bin out on bin night, said she didn't know who the hell would want to steal her wheelie bin, as it had her name on it, and smelt like shit anyway.

Upon hearing of the incident, Prime Minister Tony Blair (little shite that he is!!) decided to personally head the investigation, allocating resources from local Police, MI5 and MI6, the Army Reserve and the Rotary Club of Warnambool to investigate the crime. Authorities currently suspect an international mafia crime syndicate, or kids, to be responsible for the theft.

Have you found the Queen's Wheelybin?
Send your photos to topaussiesNO@SPAMhotmail.com
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: tubby two on July 21, 2006, 08:39:11 pm
 :shrug:

Am i the only one who doesn't get this royal correspondent thing? I suspect not...

tt.
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: danthecavingman on July 21, 2006, 09:43:36 pm
 :shrug: WTF?
Title: Onestone
Post by: rhychydwr1 on July 24, 2006, 11:51:23 am
An Apache Indian With One Testicle.

There once was an Apache Indian whose given name was "Onestone". So
named because he had only one testicle. He hated that name and asked
everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,
"If anyone calls me Onestone again I wil l kill them!" The word got
around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good
morning, Onestone." He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into
the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made
love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.
Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a  woman
 

    named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for many
years.

Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw
Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone."

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made  love
to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the
next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird  wouldn't
 

    die!






What is the moral of this story?????............................




OH, come on...take a guess!


Think about it .

(You're going to love this!)
And the moral?





....You can't kill two birds with one stone!!!


 
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: wormster on August 02, 2006, 07:07:06 pm
The royal corespondant sent me this the other day:

Sunday, 8am: During a morning chat over her backyard fence to her next door neighbour, the Her Majesty was overheard telling her dog to "shuuuuuuudup ya bloody mongrel!” This news comes just days after the Queen was heard instructing her dog to "giddddown off me frock, you fucking stupid dog!"

Royal sources tell how the Queen's Blue Heeler, 'Bluey', is typically a well behaved dog, but occasionally becomes a fucking little bastard mongrel. This was confirmed later in the day, when a bored Bluey dug up the Queen's favourite azaleas and did a shit on the driveway.


apparently her magesty has retired fom buck house and has moved to Australia and is now living in Essendon in Melbourne.

Geddit now matey ;D ;D
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: SamT on August 03, 2006, 05:13:20 am

Even if I dont get it - I think they're quite funny so keep em coming.
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Brains on August 10, 2006, 09:52:26 am
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/wales/south_west/4777127.stm

Strange and bizarre goings on in Wales, invoving a goat, 12 pints of cider and a stolen volvo....
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: andymorgan on August 10, 2006, 12:53:57 pm
I thought you had to get the goat drunk first before it goes home with you, not the other way around :shrug:
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: AndyF on August 10, 2006, 01:00:17 pm
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/wales/south_west/4777127.stm

Strange and bizarre goings on in Wales, invoving a goat, 12 pints of cider and a stolen volvo....

He probably thought he had pulled....

Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Les W on August 10, 2006, 08:12:27 pm
I hope he handled the goat with kid gloves ;D ;D
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: darkplaces on August 10, 2006, 10:51:05 pm
A volvo of all things  :yucky:
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: whitelackington on August 14, 2006, 01:53:02 pm
I've got an old volvo estate you can get a shit load of shit in it
nver had a goat in it though
but I have seen one with a shetland pony in it! :down:
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: paul on August 14, 2006, 07:33:05 pm
I've got an old volvo estate you can get a shit load of shit in it
nver had a goat in it though
but I have seen one with a shetland pony in it! :down:

Mind you, you'll get more shit from a Shetland Pony than from a goat...  :)
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: AndyF on August 14, 2006, 09:58:45 pm
I've got an old volvo estate you can get a shit load of shit in it
nver had a goat in it

I've never had a goat either - I've led a sheltered life
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Melanie lloyd on August 15, 2006, 12:04:53 am

Aww, Just read in our local newspaper that the poor goat has just gone to that great big Goatshed in the sky. Apparently it died from post traumatic stress.... :weep:


R.I.P Snowy 
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: wormster on August 18, 2006, 09:35:18 pm
A final missave from the Antipodean Royal correspondant:

Melbourne, Friday 9pm: Her Majesty was escorted from the MCG by Victorian Police on Friday night, accompanied by crowd chants of "The Queen's going home in the back of a divvy van, Long Live the Queen".
Witnesses from Bay 13 told how the Queen "drank like a fitter" and "swore like two fitters" during Australia's demolition of the English one day side, who were totally and completely shithouse. She then ran onto the field and attempted to grab an English batsmen's cricket bat, shouting, "The Royal arse could play better than you Poms!” before being crash tackled by Security and led off the field.
Later, a Police Sergeant told how the Queen was "The drunkest human ever held in custody in Victoria. She threw up about a hundred times all over the station floor. She probably shouldn't have eaten those chicken kebabs either."
The Queen was released Saturday morning after being fined $1000 and officially cautioned about future consumption of chicken kebabs.
Title: Male and Female Prayers
Post by: rhychydwr1 on August 21, 2006, 07:33:08 pm

Male and Female Prayers

FEMALE PRAYER
---------------
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, whos not a creep,
One whos handsome, smart and strong
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One wholl call, not wait for weeks.
I pray hes gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, wont be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man wholl make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend. Amen.

MALE PRAYER
--------------
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a
liquor store and a bass boat.
This doesnt rhyme and I dont care.
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: graham on August 24, 2006, 11:57:50 am
WIFE:
What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
 
HUSBAND:
Definitely not!
 
WIFE:
Why not - don't you like being married?
 
HUSBAND:
Of course I do.
 
WIFE:
Then why wouldn't you remarry?
 
HUSBAND:
Okay, I'd get married again.
 
WIFE:
You would? (with a hurtful look on her face).
 
HUSBAND:
(makes audible groan).
 
WIFE:
Would you live in our house?
 
HUSBAND:
Sure, it's a great house.
 
WIFE:
Would you sleep with her in our bed?
 
HUSBAND:
Where else would we sleep?
 
WIFE:
Would you let her drive my car?
 
HUSBAND:
Probably, it is almost new
 
WIFE:
Would you replace my pictures with hers?
 
HUSBAND:
That would seem like the proper thing to do.
 
WIFE:
Would she use my golf clubs?
 
HUSBAND:
No, she's left-handed.
 
WIFE:
- - silence - -
 
HUSBAND:
F**k
Title: The Guys' Rules
Post by: rhychydwr1 on August 31, 2006, 10:50:36 am

 The  Guys' Rules

 Finally, the guys' side of the story.

  We always hear "the rules"
  From the female side.


  Now here are the rules from the male side.
  These are  our rules!
  Please note.. these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

 1. Men are NOT mind readers.

 1. Learn to work the  toilet seat.
    You're a big girl. If it's up, put it  down.
    We need it up, you need it down.
    You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

 1.  Sunday sports. It's like the full moon
     or the changing of  the tides.
     Let it be.

 1. Shopping is NOT a  sport.
    And no, we are never going to think of it that  way.

 1. Crying is blackmail.

 1. Ask for what  you want.
    Let us be clear on this one:
     Subtle hints do not work!
    Strong hints do not  work!
    Obvious hints do not work!
    Just  say it!

 1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to  almost every
    question.

 1. Come to us with  a problem only if you want help solving it.
     That's what we  do.
     Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

 1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem.
     See a doctor.

 1. Anything we said 6 months ago is  inadmissible in an
    argument.
    In fact, all comments become  null and void after 7 Days.

 1. If you won't dress like the  Victoria's Secret girls, don't
    Expect  us to act like soap  opera guys.

 1. If you think you're fat, you probably  are.
    Don't ask us.


 1. If  something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of 
    the ways   makes you sad or angry, we meant the   other one .

 1. You can either ask us to do  something
     Or tell us how you want it done. Not  both.
     If you already know best how to do it, just do it  yourself.

 1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to  say
    during    commercials.

 1. Christopher  Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do
    we.

 1. ALL men  see in only 16 colors, like Windows default
    settings.    Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color.  Pumpkin is also
    a   Fruit    We have no idea what mauve is.

 1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
    We do  that.

 1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will  act
    like  nothing's wrong.   We know you  are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
 
 1. If you ask a  question you don't want an answer to, Expect an
     answer you  don't want to hear.

 1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely  anything you wear
     is   fine...Really.

 1.  Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are
      prepared to   discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation,
      or golf.

 1. You have enough clothes.

 1.  You have too many shoes.

 1. I am in shape.  Round IS a  shape!

 1. Thank you for reading this.
      Yes,  I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did
       you know   men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

  Pass this  to as many men as you can to give them a laugh.

  Pass this to as  many women as you can to give them a bigger
  laugh


Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: martin s on September 01, 2006, 05:44:12 pm
Osama Bin laden has decided that caves are getting a bit too obvious an hiding place these days here is evidence found today ;D ;D    http://www.asianjoke.com/pix/osama_hiding_place.htm (http://www.asianjoke.com/pix/osama_hiding_place.htm)     :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Mr Fell on September 02, 2006, 03:11:20 pm
A little rabbit is running happily through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint.

The rabbit looks at the giraffe and says, "Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come. Run with me through the forest! You''ll feel so much better!"

The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit. Then they come across an elephant doing coke.

So the rabbit again says, "Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come. Run with us through the pretty forest, you''ll see, you''ll feel so good!"

The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and coke, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe. The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up.

"Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come. Run with us through the beautiful forest and you''ll feel so good!" The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and mauls the rabbit.

The giraffe and elephant watch in horror and look at him and ask, "Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help you."

The lion answers, "That little bastard! He makes me run around the forest like a f**king idiot every time he's on ecstasy!"

 ;D
Title: Extracts from actual letters sent to various councils and housing associations
Post by: rhychydwr1 on September 03, 2006, 01:20:12 pm
Extracts from actual letters sent to various councils and housing associations throughout the UK:

1. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

2. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

3. .. and their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

4. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

5. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand.


6. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the
wall.

7. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant. We are getting married in September and we would like it in the garden before we move into the house.

8. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

9. ..50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest are plain filthy.

10. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

11. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

12. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

13. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

14. Would you please send a man to repair my spout. I am an old age pensioner and need it badly.

15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.

16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.

18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night.

19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

20. I have had the clerk of the works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.

21. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we can't get BBC2.

22. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

23. ... and he's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just cant take it anymore.

24. ... that is his excuse for dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.
 






Title: Parrot Joke
Post by: rhychydwr1 on September 03, 2006, 03:44:12 pm
A man walked into a pet store looking for a new pet for his wife.

So he asked the salesman for some assistance. The salesman took the man to a parrot in the back.

"Now this is the perfect pet for your wife, Chet is a very special Parrot" the salesman said.

"What makes him so special?" the man asked.

The salesman took a lighter from his pocket and held it under the Chet's right foot, and Chet started to sing "Jingle bells, jingle bells.." and then the salesman held the lighter under is left foot and Chet started to sing "Deck the halls..."

So the man asked, "What happens if you hold the lighter between his feet?"
"Well I don't know" answered the salesman.

So he holds the lighter between the parrot's legs and instantly Chet began to sing...
"Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire..."

Title: In honour of Stupid People . . .
Post by: rhychydwr1 on September 04, 2006, 11:59:30 am
In honour of Stupid People . . .



In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through

stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.



On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside

down."

(well...duh, a bit late, huh!)



         ==========================



On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts."

(talk about a news flash)



         ===========================



On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate

machinery after taking this medication." < /I>

(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we
could

just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)



         ==========================



On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating."

(...and you thought????...)



       =======================



        On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.

           (That's the only time I have to work on my hair.)



         ====================================



On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary.
Details

inside.

(the shoplifter special?)



         ===========================



On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap."

(and that would be???....)



          ============================



On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost."

(but, it's just a suggestion.)



       ========================



On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body."

(but wouldn't this save me time?)



       ==============================



On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness."

(..I'm taking this because???....)



          ==============================



On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use."

(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)



         ==============================



On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet,
eat

nuts."

(Step 3: say what?)



          ===========================



On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not
enable

you to fly."

(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)



          ========================



On a Swedish Chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands."

(Oh my God..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)



          ===========================



Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the
stupidity

to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even chuckle)...



         =============================

  _____
Title: You know standards of grammar are slipping.....
Post by: Peter Burgess on September 04, 2006, 12:07:56 pm
When you read on the road (on the exit from my local Tesco)

"USE BOTH LANES"

And if you haven't worked it out yet, should it not be

"USE EITHER LANE"

Unless I am supposed to straddle the white line, of course.

Title: More grammatical whoopsies from Tesco
Post by: Peter Burgess on September 04, 2006, 12:09:47 pm
And there's the current TESCO ad campaign encouraging us to ...

USE LESS BAGS.

Arrrrggghhhhh!!!!


Title: Re: You know standards of grammar are slipping.....
Post by: darkplaces on September 04, 2006, 12:51:11 pm
When you read on the road (on the exit from my local Tesco)

"USE BOTH LANES"

And if you haven't worked it out yet, should it not be

"USE EITHER LANE"

Unless I am supposed to straddle the white line, of course.
Depends if the sign is ment for you or everyone as a collective I guess?
Same sign on A46 to Bath road. People still get irate if you 'appear to overtake' by using both lanes.

The Metropolitan Police Force - I'm fellatio, the erect pr0no cop

Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Peter Burgess on September 04, 2006, 12:55:59 pm
Quote
Depends if the sign is meant for you or everyone as a collective I guess?


True, but there are road safety issues here. My 'correct' instruction cannot be misinterpreted. The original, could be taken either (or should that be both) way(s). And anyway, why should I be forced to share all my instructions with other people. If I approach a junction, and I am asked to give way, it's for me. I'm the only one at the front of the queue. Those behind can wait their turn to be advised to 'give way'.

PB, the forum pendant.

Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Peter Burgess on September 04, 2006, 01:00:30 pm
I've also seen "USE BOTH LANES" at the exit to a multi-storey car park. Impossible to use both lanes without demolishing the automatic barrier.
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Dep on September 05, 2006, 10:50:10 am
I've also seen "USE BOTH LANES" at the exit to a multi-storey car park. Impossible to use both lanes without demolishing the automatic barrier.

Signs are equivalent to a person standing there giving you a verbal message.
To use both lanes implies more than one vehicle, thus it is indeed referring to the collective - effectively a person standing there saying; "Oi, you lot, use both lanes!"

I would love to see you try to justify that level of pedantry in obeying signs if it landed you in court, perhaps after destroying the barrier machines a number of local car-parks!  ;D

However the majority of the population are not literate enough to recognise these subtlies.
And those that are are usually smart enough to understand.

Has it occurred to you that these signs may be deliberately designed to brighten your day - a sort of 'in-joke' for pedants that goes unnoticed by 99.9% of the population? :)



Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: andymorgan on September 05, 2006, 01:10:34 pm
What about stop signs? You could spend a whole life time at one  :confused:
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Peter Burgess on September 05, 2006, 01:49:20 pm
I wondered what the problem was. Thanks, I'll start a campaign to have the signs altered to read STOP BEFORE PROCEEDING.
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: tubby two on September 05, 2006, 03:28:04 pm
Or maybe a little sign below every sign saying [* to use this sign please refer to instructions in page 397 of the highway code]?

tt.
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Peter Burgess on September 05, 2006, 03:34:35 pm
Quote
However the majority of the population are not literate enough to recognise these subtlies.
And those that are are usually smart enough to understand.

Are you implying that I am not smart enough to understand? [throws gauntlet onto floor]. It's karabiners at dawn, I fear!
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Brains on September 06, 2006, 09:14:39 pm
Apparently in an interview previously recorded, Steve Irwin named the TV programme Daktari as one of his childhood influences, but he would always have a soft spot in his heart for Stingray...
 
The producer of Stingray, Gerry Anderson, has said it would be in bad taste to use the theme song at Mr Irwins Funeral, so the Austalian PM has requested that Jimmy Nail gives a rendition of Crocodile Shoes...

A product recall has been announced for sun cream endorsed by Steve Irwin, due to the erroneous claim that it prevented all harmful rays....
 
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: wormster on September 06, 2006, 10:05:02 pm
Heard about this one:

The latest craze with clubbers is to fill young womens vaginas with a mix of vodka and red bull and drink it out with a straw.

Experts are now warning about the dangers of minge drinking.
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: AndyF on September 06, 2006, 10:23:45 pm
http://www.beatministerium.de/Pics/drivegarefully.jpg
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Cap'n Chris on September 06, 2006, 11:17:29 pm
I'm still trying to work out how this happened.....  :-\

(http://img216.imageshack.us/img216/1714/yeahitsawomanbf8.th.jpg) (http://img216.imageshack.us/my.php?image=yeahitsawomanbf8.jpg)
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: graham on September 07, 2006, 08:18:30 am
I'm still trying to work out how this happened.....  :-\

(http://img216.imageshack.us/img216/1714/yeahitsawomanbf8.th.jpg) (http://img216.imageshack.us/my.php?image=yeahitsawomanbf8.jpg)


That reminds me of the photos of the caravan after Mr Williams had ceased towing it.
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: andymorgan on September 07, 2006, 11:01:43 am
It is why women shouldn't drive!
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Mr Fell on September 07, 2006, 04:20:32 pm
erm !
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: AndyF on September 07, 2006, 06:08:15 pm
I'm still trying to work out how this happened.....  :-\

(http://img216.imageshack.us/img216/1714/yeahitsawomanbf8.th.jpg) (http://img216.imageshack.us/my.php?image=yeahitsawomanbf8.jpg)


Perhaps a clue is in the name of the image....    :-\
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Dave H on September 08, 2006, 01:05:45 pm
Heard about this one:

The latest craze with clubbers is to fill young womens vaginas with a mix of vodka and red bull and drink it out with a straw.

Experts are now warning about the dangers of minge drinking.


Is this made up? It all smells a bit fishy to me :lol:
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Cave_Troll on September 08, 2006, 01:24:57 pm
A sheep farmer sends his sheep dog to go and count the sheep in the top field.
 
The dog runs off and returns an hour later.
 
“40” says the dog.
 
“40?” repeats the farmer.
 
“40 sheep in the top field” says the dog.
 
“But I only put 38 in the field yesterday ?” said the farmer.
 
“Oh!”  says the dog.. "I rounded them up”.
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Dep on September 08, 2006, 07:46:28 pm
There are 10 types of people in this World...

...those who understand binary and those who don't!


Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Peter Burgess on September 08, 2006, 08:31:51 pm
Computer geeks joke. (another one)

Probably posted this before, either here or elsewhere,

What goes

"pieces of seven, pieces of seven!"

A parrotty error. (computer geek's joke)

Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Mr Fell on September 11, 2006, 06:19:02 pm
Irish Boy's Confession

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose Woman."

The Priest asks, "Is that you, little Timmy Shaughnessy?"  "Yes, Father, it is. "

"And, who was the woman you were with," asked the Priest. "

"I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Timmy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Patricia Kelly?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Sheilah O'Brien?"

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Kathleen Morgan?"

"My lips are sealed. "

"Was it Fiona Grogan, then?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The Priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast Lad, Timmy ...And, I admire that. But, you have sinned, and you must atone. You cannot attend Church Mass for three months. Be off with you now. "

Timmy walks back to his pew. His Friend, Sean, slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"Three month's vacation and five good leads."

Title: Revocation Independence for the USA
Post by: rhychydwr1 on September 12, 2006, 04:28:33 pm
A little British
 humor...
 
---------
 
JOHN CLEESE'S ADDRESS TO THE CITIZENS OF
 THE U.S.A.-
 
 
In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and
 thus to govern yourselves,
 
we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective
 immediately.
 
 
 
Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume monarchical
 duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (excepting
 Kansas, which she does not fancy). Your new prime minister, Tony Blair,
 will appoint a governor for America without the need for further
 elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire
 may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
 
 
 
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following
 rules are introduced with  immediate effect: You should look up
 "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.  Then look up aluminium,
 and check the pronunciation guide. You will  be amazed at just how
 wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated
 in words such as 'favour' and  'neighbour.'  Likewise, you will learn
 to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters and the  suffix
 "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise".
 
 
 
Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable
 levels. (look up vocabulary).
 
Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such
 as "like" and "you know"  is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
 communication.
 
 
 
There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on
 your behalf. The Microsoft spell- checker will be adjusted to take
 account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of  "-ize".
 
 
 
You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save the Queen.
 
 
 
July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
 
 
 
You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers,
 or therapists.  The fact that  you need so many lawyers and therapists
 shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.
 
Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to
 sort things out without suing  someone or speaking to a therapist then
 you're not grown up enough to handle a gun. Therefore, you will no
 longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a
 vegetable peeler.
 
A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in
 public.
 
 
 
All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your
 own good. When we show  you German cars, you will understand what we
 mean. All intersections will be replaced with round- abouts, and you
 will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time,
 you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of
 conversion tables. Both roundabouts and  metrication will help you
 understand the British sense of humour.
 
 
 
The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
 calling gasoline) -roughly  $6/US gallon. Get used to it. You will
 learn to make real chips. Those things you call French  fries are not
 real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are
 properly called  crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat,
 and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
 
 
 
The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
 beer at all. Henceforth, only proper  British Bitter will be referred
 to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be
 referred to as Lager.  American brands will be referred to as
 Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of
 further confusion.
 
 
 
Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as Good
 guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play
 English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue
 in 'Four Weddings And A Funeral' was an experience akin to having one's
 ears removed with a cheese grater.
 
 
 
You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of
 proper football; you call it soccer.
 
Those of you brave enough will,  in time, be allowed to play rugby
 (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve
 stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body
 armour like a bunch of nancies). Further, you will stop playing
 baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called 'The World
 Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only
 2.1%  of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your
 error is understandable.
 
 
 
You must tell us who killed JFK.  It's been driving us mad.
 
 
 
An internal revenue agent (i.e . tax collector) from Her Majesty's
 Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of
 all monies due (backdated to 1776).
 
 
 
Thank you for your co-operation.
 
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Dep on September 14, 2006, 02:54:29 am
This has been in the news today - I thought it was funny.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/hampshire/5342000.stm

Title: Re: Revocation Independence for the USA
Post by: Dep on September 14, 2006, 02:57:42 am
A little British humor...
......

The response from the US:


Your Majesty,

In point 1 you mention that 97.85% of us don't recognize that there is a world outside our borders, yet in point 8 you mention that 98.85% of us don't recognize the same point. On behalf of the citizens of Florida-who are currently playing Bingo and therefore are unavailable for comment- I DEMAND A RECOUNT!

Additionally, I look forward to returning to the British Crown with the following provisions:

1. You guys have to take Elton John back. We have honestly had enough. Next Disney theme song he does carries a death sentence with it. You also have to take all of his clothes and stupid eyeglasses with you when he leaves. We have simply run out of landfill space.

2. You stop exporting Jaguars to the US. German cars are fine, but there are Russian Space Stations with better reliability track records than Jaguar and Rover.

3. We hereby trade you David Hasselhoff and Bruce Willis for Rowan Atkinson and a Spice Girl to be named later.

4. We will give up american football provided that we get to keep baseball in favour of cricket. Any sport named after an insect that requires a knit sweater and khakis is not a sport.  do you see?!

5. In an effort to provide Uniformity with the crown, we agree to make the following changes:

a. All livestock will be infected with the mad cow disease.

b. The term "Gas" will be changed to "Petrol", and the price per gallon will triple.

c. We will now start sitting on the wrong side of the car and driving on the wrong side of the road, provided you  agree not to install any "roundabouts" or "driving circles" on our nation's roads. Roads are dangerous enough, no need to make everyone drive like they are from Massachusetts.

d. Police will stop carrying guns, and all criminals will actually have to stop when the police yell "Stop!"

e. We will start serving beer at or above room temperature.

f. The first two words added to our collective vocabulary will be "bloody" as a verb and "bugger" as a noun/adjective. "Blimy" will be slowly worked in over the next few months.

g. We will start watching soccer, I mean football, with the provision that any time more than 4 people are watching, at least half of them must be actively involved in a riot.

h. We will immediately start making more fun of the Scottish.

i. We will take all of the flavoring out of our food.

j. We will switch to Centigrade, making 32 degrees very hot.

k. All of our TV networks will switch to BBC and a number (NBC will be BBC8, etc.), with uniform content and an absolute ban on variety. Masterpiece Theater will be the only show televised on all channels from 8 to 10 pm. After the conversion is complete, we will try to make PBS less daring and sensationalist.

l. Margaret Thatcher will replace Janet Reno as least attractive government figure.

m. All lawyers will be required to wear huge wigs, except for Johnny Cochran, who will be allowed to wear Dr. J's old afro.

Glad to be back in the fold, John.
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Mr Fell on September 17, 2006, 03:25:51 pm
Have a look at this - silly ole goat   http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/africa/4748292.stm       :lol:
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Mr Fell on September 18, 2006, 06:01:21 pm
Wonder if he had any `kids' - if so e would have been ok for a nanny ;D
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Billy Butcombe on September 21, 2006, 08:48:48 am
Wonder if he had any `kids' - if so e would have been ok for a nanny ;D

If he did he would have been ok for a `nanny' eh? ;D
Title: WHY I FIRED MY SECRETARY...
Post by: rhychydwr1 on September 21, 2006, 11:16:03 am

WHY I FIRED MY SECRETARY...



LAST WEEK WAS MY BIRTHDAY AND I DIDN'T FEEL VERY WELL WAKING UP THAT
MORNING.

I WENT DOWNSTAIRS FOR BREAKFAST HOPING MY WIFE WOULD BE PLEASANT AND
SAY, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!", AND POSSIBLY HAVE A PRESENT FOR ME.

AS IT TURNED OUT, SHE BARELY SAID GOOD MORNING, LET ALONE "HAPPY
BIRTHDAY."

I THOUGHT... WELL, THAT'S MARRIAGE FOR YOU, BUT THE KIDS WILL REMEMBER.

MY KIDS CAME INTO BREAKFAST AND DIDN'T SAY A WORD.

SO WHEN I LEFT FOR THE OFFICE, I WAS FEELING PRETTY LOW AND SOMEWHAT
DESPONDENT.

AS I WALKED INTO MY OFFICE, MY SECRETARY JANE SAID, "GOOD MORNING
BOSS,HAPPY BIRTHDAY!"

IT FELT A LITTLE BETTER THAT AT LEAST SOMEONE HAD REMEMBERED.

I WORKED UNTIL ONE O'CLOCK AND THEN JANE KNOCKED ON MY DOOR AND
SAID,"YOU KNOW, IT'S SUCH A BEAUTIFUL DAY OUTSIDE, AND IT'S YOUR
BIRTHDAY,LET'S GO OUT TO LUNCH, JUST YOU AND ME."

I SAID, "THANKS JANE, THAT'S THE GREATEST THING I'VE HEARD ALL DAY.LET'S
GO!"

WE WENT TO LUNCH. BUT WE DIDN'T GO WHERE WE WOULD NORMALLY GO.

WE DINED INSTEAD AT A LITTLE PLACE WITH A PRIVATE TABLE. WE HAD TWO
MARTINIS EACH AND I ENJOYED THE MEAL TREMENDOUSLY.
ON THE WAY BACK TO THE OFFICE, JANE SAID, "YOU KNOW, IT'S SUCH A
BEAUTIFUL DAY:  WE DON'T NEED TO GO BACK TO THE OFFICE, DO WE?"

I RESPONDED, "I GUESS NOT. WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN MIND?"

SHE SAID, "LET'S GO TO MY APARTMENT."

AFTER ARRIVING AT HER APARTMENT JANE TURNED TO ME AND SAID, "BOSS, IF
YOU DON'T MIND, I'M GOING TO STEP INTO THE BEDROOM FOR A MOMENT. I'LL BE
RIGHT BACK."

"OK." I NERVOUSLY REPLIED.





SHE WENT INTO THE BEDROOM.



AFTER A COUPLE OF MINUTES, SHE CAME OUT CARRYING A HUGE BIRTHDAY CAKE:
FOLLOWED BY MY WIFE, KIDS, AND DOZENS OF MY FRIENDS AND CO-WORKERS, ALL
SINGING "HAPPY BIRTHDAY".



AND I JUST SAT THERE...



ON THE COUCH...



NAKED.

Title: Actual call centre conversations !!!!!
Post by: rhychydwr1 on September 21, 2006, 11:21:11 am

Actual call centre conversations !!!!!



Customer:     "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get
through to enquiries, can you help?".

Operator:     "Where did you get that number from, sir?"

Customer:     "It was on the door to the Travel Centre".

Operator:     "Sir, they are our opening hours".



------------------------------------------------------------------------
-----------------------------------------

Samsung Electronics



Caller:          "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"



Operator:         "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are
talking about".



Caller:          "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly
states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and
telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for
Jack?"



Operator:      "I think you mean the telephone point on the wall".

------------------------------------------------------------------------
----------------------------------------------------------------------

RAC Motoring Services



Caller:          "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am
travelling in Australia ?"



Operator:      " Doesn't the product give you a clue?"

------------------------------------------------------------------------
------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------

Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France ):

"If I register my car in France , do I have to change the steering wheel
to

the other side of the car?"

------------------------------------------------------------------------
------------------------------------------

Directory Enquiries



Caller:               "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in
Cardiff please".



Operator:          "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling
correct?"



Caller:               "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar
but the 'B' fell off".

------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------------------------------------------------

Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.

Operator:        "Woven? Are you sure?"

Caller:             "Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in
Scotland ".

------------------------------------------------------------------------
------------------------------------------

On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone
box

told a worried operator:



"I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number
on".

------------------------------------------------------------------------
----------------------------------------------

Tech Support:      "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop".

Customer:             "OK".

Tech Support:      "Did you get a pop-up menu?".

Customer:             "No".

Tech Support:      "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"

Customer:             "No".

Tech Support:      "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until
this point?".



Customer:            "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote
'click'".

------------------------------------------------------------------------
------------------------------------------------------------------------
---------------------

Tech Support:          "OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen,
can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"

Customer:                 "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"

------------------------------------------------------------------------
------------------------------------------------------------------------
-------------------------------

Caller:  "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised
that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my
file back again?".

----------------------------------------------------------------------

------------------------------------------------------------------------
-------------------------------------

There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a
long

time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired This is a
true

story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a

recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the
Help

Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word

Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause".

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now
I

know why they record these conversations!):





Operator:         "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"

Caller:              "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

Operator:         "What sort of trouble??"

Caller:              "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden
the words went away."

Operator:         "Went away?"

Caller:              "They disappeared."

Operator:         "Hmm So what does your screen look like now?"

Caller:              "Nothing."

Operator:         "Nothing??"

Caller:              "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

Operator:         "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"

Caller:              "How do I tell?"

Operator:         "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??"

Caller:              "What's a sea-prompt?"

Operator:         "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the
screen?"

Caller:              "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't
accept anything I type."

Operator:         "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"

Caller:              "What's a monitor?"

Operator:         "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like
a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's  on??"

Caller:               "I don't know."

Operator:          "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find
where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"

Caller:              "Yes, I think so."

Operator:         "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if
it's plugged into the wall.

Caller:              "Yes, it is."

Operator:         "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that
there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"

Caller:               "No."

Operator:          "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again
and find the other cable."

Caller:               "Okay, here it is."

Operator:          "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged
securely into the back of your computer."

Caller:               "I can't reach."

Operator:          "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??"

Caller:               "No."

Operator:          "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and
lean way over??"

Caller:               "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle
- it's because it's dark."

Operator:          "Dark??"

Caller:               "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light
I have is coming in from the window.



" Operator:        "Well, turn on the office light then."

Caller:               "I can't."

Operator:          "No? Why not??"

Caller:               "Because there's a power failure."

Operator:          "A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've
got it licked now.



Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer
came in??"



Caller:               "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

Operator:           "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack
it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store
you bought it from."

Caller:                "Really? Is it that bad?"

Operator:            "Yes, I'm afraid it is."

Caller:                 "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell
them??"

Operator:            "Tell them you're too f*%king stupid to own a
computer!!!!!"



Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Brains on September 22, 2006, 09:55:50 am
A spokesperson for the BBC has announced that until his recovery is complete, Richard (The Hamster) Hammond will be temporarily replaced on Top Gear by Lily Savage, on the grounds that they need a better drag act...
Title: Two Mexicans
Post by: rhychydwr1 on September 25, 2006, 10:04:34 am
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to
death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the
inevitable, when all of a sudden...

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon I is sure of eet"

"Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee".

So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune,and
there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon. There's raw bacon,
dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked
bacon...every imaginable kind of cured pig meat.

"Pepe, Pepe, we is saved. Eees a bacon tree".

"Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the desert don't
forget."

"Pepe when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smeell like bacon...ees
no meerage, ees a bacon tree."

And with that ....Luis races towards the tree. He gets to within 5
metres, Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine
gun opens up, and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is
mortally wounded but, true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe
with his dying breath.

"Pepe...go back man, you was right ees not a bacon tree."

"Luis, Luis mi amigo...what ees it?"

"Pepe...ees not a bacon tree...

Ees

Ees

Ees

Eees a Ham Bush."



Title: Why you should never send men shopping
Post by: rhychydwr1 on September 25, 2006, 03:07:50 pm
Kmart store 4855 Store Phone: (775) 746-4700
SUMMIT RIDGE, RENO, NV, 89503 Pharmacy Phone: (775) 746-3030

12 March 2005

Jon Walker
Store Manager
Kmart store 4855
Summit Ridge, Reno, NV, 89503

Mrs. Fenton
35 Rasmussen Street
Moores Park, Reno, NV, 89503

Dear Mrs. Fenton,

During the preceding 6 months our security staff has been monitoring your husbands activities while in our store. The
list below details his offences, all of which have been verified by our surveillance cameras and we have retained copies
on tape.

We have repeatedly given your husband verbal warnings while he is in this store and he has subsequently ignored
them. He replied to these warning with rudeness and the response “while the wife shops here I will come here too”. We
are therefore forced to ban you, your husband and your family from this store.

The following list details your husbands activates in this store over the past six months.

June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in house wares and watched what
happened.

August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on lay-buy.

September 14: Moved a 'Caution - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite the in if they'll bring pillows.

September 23: If any staff offers him assistance he begins to cry and asks, “Why can't you people just leave me alone?”

October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it a mirror, and picked his nose.

November 10: While in the gun department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.

December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna Look" using different size funnels.

December 18: Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams "NO!
NO! It's those voices again!"

December 23: Went in the fitting room, shut the door and waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet
paper in here!

John F. Walker
Store Manager
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Mr Fell on September 26, 2006, 09:18:56 pm
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church,
enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his
attention but the drunk continues to sit there

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin,
there's no paper on this side either!" :thumbsup:
Title: Subject: What's the definition of the bravest man in the world?
Post by: rhychydwr1 on September 27, 2006, 09:22:30 am
Subject: What's the definition of the bravest man in the world?

Message:

The man who comes home drunk, covered in lipstick and smelling
Of perfume, then slaps his wife on the backside and says:
"You're next, fatty."

 -------------------------------

Man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm while his
wife  is lying in bed reading. Man says: "This is the pig I have sex
with when you've got a headache."
Wife replies: "I think you'll find, that is a sheep."
Man replies: "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."

 -------------------------------------

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a
suitcase.
He asks, "What are you doing?"
She answers, "I'm moving to London.
I heard prostitutes there get paid £100 for doing what I do for
you  for free."
 Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the
bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.
When she asks him where he's going, he replies,
"I'm coming too I want to see how you live on £200 a year".

 ------------------------------ ----

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she
selected:
2 litres of low fat milk
a carton of eggs
2 litres of orange juice
a head of lettuce
half a dozen tomatoes
a 500g jar of coffee
a 250g pack of bacon

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check
out,
A drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in 
front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk
calmly Stated "You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was
intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed
single.
She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing 
Particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the 
drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she
said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct.
 But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied,"Cause you're ugly."

 ------------------------------ -----

Man wakes up one morning to see his wife in a skimpy negligee,
standing by the bed, and with some velvet rope in her hand. She
purrs at him "Tie me up and you can do anything that you like" 
So he did, and went to play golf

****

Voted best Irish joke of 2006 !


John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the
rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"


That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the
night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the
Best toast of the night"

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"


John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in
Church beside me wife."


"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the
Street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the 
prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You
know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he 
fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

Title: Memo
Post by: rhychydwr1 on September 27, 2006, 11:47:28 am
Memo

 To: All Departments

 RE: SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T)

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity
from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well
trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING ( S.H.I.T).

We are trying to give our employees more S.H.I.T than anyone else. If
you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T on the course,
please see your supervisor. You will be immediately placed at the top
of the S.H.I.T list and our supervisors are especially skilled at
seeing you get all the S.H.I.T you can handle.

Employees who don't take their S.H.I.T will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL
EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T)..

Those who fail to take D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T seriously will have to go to
EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T.S.H.I.T).

Since our supervisors took S.H.I.T before they were promoted, they
don't have to do S.H.I.T anymore, and are all full of S.H.I.T already.
If you are full of S.H.I.T you may be interested in a job teaching
others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LIST of
LEADERS (B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T).

For employees who are intending to pursue a career in management and
consulting, we will refer you to the department of MANAGERIAL
OPERATIONAL RESEARCH EDUCATION (M.O.R.E.S.H.I.T). This course
emphasizes how to manage M.O.R.E.S.H.I.T


If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF
TEACHING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T.S.H.I.T).


Thank you,

Gus H...

 BOSS IN GENERAL, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (B.I.G.S.H.I.T)

P.S. Now send this S.H.I.T to 5 people who need S.H.I.T in their life,
just not the same person who sent you this S.H.I.T. They have already
had their fill of S.H.I.T.

Thank you for your time. !

Sincerely,



The Director Under the Main Bureau of Super High Intensity Training.

(The D.U.M.B.S.H.I.T).




Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: hoehlenforscher on September 27, 2006, 01:20:47 pm
Camilla wore new shoes for her wedding and they became tighter & tighter as the day went on. That night, when the festivities were finally over and they retired to their room, she flopped on the bed and said, "Charles, darling. Please remove my shoes. My feet are killing me!"

Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigour, but it would not budge.

"Harder!" yelled Camilla.

"Harder!" Charles yelled back, "I'm trying, darling! But it's just so bloody tight!"

"Come on! Give it all you've got!" she cried.

Finally, when it released, Charles let out a big groan and Camilla exclaimed, "There! Oh, God, that feels so good!"

In their bedroom next door, the Queen said to Prince Phillip, "See? I told you with a face like that, she was still a virgin!"

Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe, he cried, "Oh, God, darling! This one's even tighter!"

At which Prince Phillip said to the Queen, "That's my boy: once a Navy man, always a Navy man"
Title: Subject: Terrorism
Post by: rhychydwr1 on October 03, 2006, 12:32:13 pm


A school teacher was arrested today at Gatwick Airport as he attempted
to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set
square, a slide rule and a calculator.

At a press conference the Home Secretary, John Read, said he believed
the man was a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement, and he has  been
charged with carrying weapons of maths destruction.....


Title: ...UP & DOWN THE RIVER
Post by: rhychydwr1 on October 03, 2006, 12:36:04 pm
 ...UP & DOWN THE RIVER
 
 At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an  elderly lady
 struck up a conversation, and discovered that they both loved to  fish.
 
 Since, both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing  together
 the  next day.
 
 The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river  to his
 fishing boat, and started out on their adventure.
 
 They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the  river, and
the gentleman asked the lady, "Do you want to go up or down?"
All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and  made mad
passionate love to the man right there in the boat!
 
When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just  happened,

but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.
 
They fished for a while, and continued on down the river, when  soon they
came upon another fork in the river.
 
He again asked the lady, "Up or down ?"
There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild  passionate
love to him again.
 
This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go
fishing again the next day!
She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the  boat when
they  came upon the fork in river, and the elderly gentleman asked,  "Up or
down?"...The woman replied, "Down."
 
A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat  down
the river, when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the
 lady,  "Up or down?"...She replied, "Up."
 
This really confused the gentleman so he asked, "What's the deal?
Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down  - you
made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!"
 
She replied, "Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid,  and I
thought the choices were: f##k  or drown."
 
 

Title: Balance
Post by: rhychydwr1 on October 03, 2006, 12:38:51 pm

When God Made the Earth

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six  days

Eventually Michael the Archangel found him on the seventh day resting.

He enquired of God, "Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of
satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds.

"Look Michael, look what I've made" said God Archangel Michael looked
puzzled and said "What is it?" "It's a planet", replied God, "and  I've put
life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and its going to be a great  place of
balance"

"Balance?" enquired Michael, still confused.

God explained pointing to the Earth "For example, North America  will be a
place of great opportunity and wealth while South America is going  to be
poor: the Middle East over there will be a hot spot and

Russia will be a cold spot. Over there I've placed a continent of  white
people and over there I've placed a continent of black people." God
continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be  extremely hot
and arid while this one will be very cold and covered with ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's works, then pointed to a small  area of
land and said "What's that". "Ah," said God, Thats Liverpool, the most
glorious place on Earth.

The people there are the most beautiful; they will have two great  football
teams, the greatest horse race in the world, two impressive

Cathedrals and will be the home of the greatest pop group ever".

The people from Liverpool are going to be the most modest,   intelligent and
humorous on Earth. They are to be found travelling the world.

They will be extremely sociable, hard working and high achieving.

They will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers  of peace"

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then proclaimed,

"What about balance God?

You said there will be balance"

God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the wankers I'm putting  next to
them in Manchester"



Title: Nurse
Post by: rhychydwr1 on October 04, 2006, 03:16:29 pm
Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles
black?"
 
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir, I'm
only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
 
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his
testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the
covers.

She raises his gown, holds his male organ in one hand and his
testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.

Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong
with them Sir."

 
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says
very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very
closely...

 
 
"A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?"
 
 



Title: This Is Totally Amazing.
Post by: rhychydwr1 on October 05, 2006, 11:33:40 am

This Is Totally Amazing.

Say the word COW before each word.

1 - Cows
2 - About
3 - Talking
4 - Idiot
5 - This
6 - Got
7 - I
8 - Long
9 - How
10 - Look


Now say the word COW After each word

1 - Cows
2 - About
3 - Talking
4 - Idiot
5 - This
6 - Got
7 - I
8 - Long
9 - How
10 - Look

Now say the word COW before AND after each word.

1 - Cows
2 - About
3 - Talking
4 - Idiot
5 - This
6 - Got
7 - I
8 - Long
9 - How
10 - Look


Now read just the words upwards from the bottom.

1 - Cows
2 - About
3 - Talking
4- Idiot
5 - This
6 - Got
7 - I
8 - Long
9 - How
10 - Look

________________________________

Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: tubby two on October 05, 2006, 02:26:24 pm
Damn, i got all the top of those right and thought i was reet clever there.

Best tell a joke now......


How do you get a fat bird into bed?











Piece of cake.


tt.
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: wormster on October 06, 2006, 07:33:39 pm
Continuing:

how d'you F***k a fat bird?

Roll her in flower and aim for the wet spot.

(duks behind sofa awaiting flaming) :bounce:
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: AndyF on October 06, 2006, 08:54:28 pm
How do you know when your girlfriend is too fat...








When she sits on your face and you can't hear the stereo....
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: wormster on October 07, 2006, 10:30:58 am
The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that.

But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what caliber the bullet was that killed the animal.

The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on. They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin.

After feeling it for a few moments, he announced "Bear." Then he felt the bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a .308 rifle." He was right.

They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk. He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Elk, shot with a 7mm Mag rifle." He was right again.

Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home drunk out of his mind and went to sleep.

The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner. He said to his wife, "I know I was drunk last night, but I think I'd remember a brawl. Where did I get this black eye?"

His wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you. You got into bed and put your hand down my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly announced, 'Skunk, killed with an axe.'
Title: An old retired sailor joke
Post by: rhychydwr1 on October 09, 2006, 02:33:11 pm
An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and heads for the 
docks once more for old times sake.  He engages a prostitute and 
takes her up to a room.  He's soon going at it as well as he can 
for a guy his age, but needing  some reassurance, he asks,"How am I
doing?"  The prostitute replies, "Well old sailor, you're doing 
about three  knots."  "Three knots?" he asks, "What's that supposed
to mean?"  She says,

"You're  knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting 
your money back.

Title: To make you laugh
Post by: rhychydwr1 on October 09, 2006, 03:07:54 pm


Can you imagine yourself to be the nun who is sitting at her desk  grading
these papers all the while trying to keep a straight face and  maintain her
composure!

PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND SPELLING. IF YOU KNOW THE  BIBLE
EVEN A LITTLE, YOU'LL FIND THIS HILARIOUS!  IT COMES FROM A CATHOLIC
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND  NEW
TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY
CHILDREN. THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED. INCORRECT  SPELLING HAS
BEEN LEFT IN.




1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF  CREATING THE
WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.

2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS  JOAN OF
ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.

3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF  FIRE DURING
THE NIGHT.


4.  THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD  TROUBLE
WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.

5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A  JEZEBEL LIKE
DELILAH.

6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.

7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED  BREAD WHICH
IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.

8, THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS,  MOSES WENT UP
TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.

9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.

10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.

11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA. THEN JOSHUA LED THE  HEBREWS
IN
THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.

12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON  TO STAND
STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.

13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR.  HE FOUGHT
THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.

14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.

15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE  MAGNA CARTA.

16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND  JESUS IN
THE MANAGER.

17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.

18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.

19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS  BEFORE
THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT  ALONE.

20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO  GET THE
TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.

21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.

22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.

23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.

24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY  WHICH IS
ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.

25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY

Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: graham on October 10, 2006, 09:50:29 am
My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the Main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one."

To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch."
Title: Tiger Woods
Post by: rhychydwr1 on October 10, 2006, 03:26:30 pm
  On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into  a petrol
      station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump  attendant,
      obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical  Irish manner
      completely unaware of who the golfing pro is. "Top of the  mornin' to
      yer, sir" says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick "hello" and  bends
      forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall  out of his
      shirt pocket onto the ground. "What are those?, asks the  attendant.
      "They're called tees" replies Tiger. "Well, what on earth are  dey for?"
      inquires the Irishman. "They're for resting my balls on when I'm
      driving", says Tiger.
      "Fookin Hell", says the Irishman, "BMW thinks of everything."
Title: Another Dawin award winner?
Post by: rhychydwr1 on October 12, 2006, 09:01:05 am
Hello i always figured this would never happen to me but my
 heart is having serious issuses do to a birth defect (i was born with a
 hole in my heart) and need money to have the surgery to get the hole fix so
 i am asking for donations to help with the cost since i dont have
 insurance so if you have a paypal account please look into your heart and
 donate a dollar or two my paypal emial is mcollins7373@msn.com i need
 around 20,000 dollars usd to have the surgery done. This is my last resort
 for money i have tried goverment agencies family and friends and to my
 dissapointment  nothing happened SO PLEASE I NEED HELP thank you so much
 mike collins

Reply

Why don't you just accept your genetic defect and die gracefully without
breeding. You'll have the comforting thought that you helped the human gene
pool by selecting out the weaker specimens.

Have a nice day

Title: Cinderella
Post by: rhychydwr1 on October 12, 2006, 09:54:58 am

Cinderella is now 95 years old.
After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits  upon
her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with  a cat
named Bob for companionship.

One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.
Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after
all these years"?

The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an 
exemplary life since I last saw you.
Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful
consideration, she uttered her first wish:
"The prince was wonderful, but  not much of an investor. I'm 
living hand to mouth on my disability checks and I wish I were wealthy beyond
comprehension.

Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold Cinderella
said, "Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother".

The fairy godmother replied "it is the least that I can do.
What do you want for your second wish?"

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I were
young and full of the beauty and youth I once had."

At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage 
returned.
Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for 
years.

And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: " You have one more 
wish; what shall it be?"

Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and 
says, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome 
young man."

Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his
biological make-up that, when he stood
before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she
nor the world had ever seen.

The fairy godmother said, "Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your
new life. With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity,
the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.

For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each 
other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, 
stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.

Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her
rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms.
He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath 
as he whispered..........

"Bet you're sorry you neutered me."



Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: stealth on October 13, 2006, 01:53:01 pm
A hunter kills a deer and brings it home. He decides to clean and serve the venison for supper. He knows his kids are fussy eaters, and won't eat it if they know what it is - so he does not tell them. His little boy keeps asking him, "What's for dinner?" "You'll see", says his dad. They start eating dinner and his daughter keeps asking what they're eating. "Ok," says her dad, "here's a hint: It's what your mother sometimes calls me." The girl suddenly screams at her little brother, "Spit it out! It's asshole!"
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Walrus on October 13, 2006, 09:23:37 pm
An elephant is walking thru the jungle when he steps on a thorn. Ow! Ow! No matter how hard he tries he cant get it out. A little bird sees the elephant struggling and in pain, fly's down and pulls out the thorn.
"Thank you!" says the elephant. "Is there anything I can do for you?"
"Well..." says the little bird "there is one thing... I've always wanted the f**k an elephant!"
The elephant thinks WTF? and says "Yeah, sure, go for it"
So the little bird fly's up behind the elephant and starts f**king away.
A monkey up in a coconut tree sees the bird up behind the elephant and starts having a w**k. As he bounces up and down in the tree a coconut falls off and hits the elephant on the head!
"Ouch!!" says the elephant.
The little bird looks over the elephants back and says...

"Sorry... am I hurting you?"






I'll get me coat.
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: bubba on October 13, 2006, 09:36:50 pm

I quite like this one that was posted on Popbitch (http://www.popbitch.com/):

Q. What is a Wombat for?




































A. For playing Wom.


Sorry  :shrug:  :wall:

Title: Teddy Bears
Post by: rhychydwr1 on October 17, 2006, 11:52:04 am

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end
up  leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he
shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his
bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.
There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of
cute,  cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering the
entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly
arrange  them and she was immediately touched by the amount of
thought he had  put into organizing the display. There were small bears all
along the  bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the
middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along
the top  shelf. She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy
to have such a large a collection of Teddy Bears, but doesn't
mention this to  him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after
a while, she finds herself thinking, "Oh my God! Maybe, this guy
could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father my children?"

She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He
responds  warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he
romantically  lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where
they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love. She is
so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more
creativity, more  heat than she has ever known.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this
sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The
woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well, how
was it?

The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks
deeply into her eyes, and says...........................................














"Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf."
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Basher on October 19, 2006, 06:17:18 pm
Ethel is a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loves to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because she and her fellow residents are one sandwich short of a picnic, they all tolerate each other, some of the males actually join in.

One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Mad Mike stepped out of his room with his arm outstretched. "STOP!" he said in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?" Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. "OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird William popped out in front of her and shouted, "STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?" Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a beer coaster and held it up to him. William nodded and said, "Carry on, ma'am."

As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Bonkers Brian stepped out in front of her, stark naked, holding a very sizable (for his age) erection in his hand. "Oh, no!" said Ethel, "Not the breathalyser again."
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Brains on October 20, 2006, 06:31:47 pm
http://www.overheardindublin.com/index.php

A really large and bizarre set strange sayings and doings from Dublin. You will find something here to make you laugh out loud!
Title: The Ballerina
Post by: rhychydwr1 on October 22, 2006, 02:45:40 pm
A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a Bar in
Dublin, Ireland.
 
She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she
pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will
buy a lady a drink?"

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at
the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the
counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!"

The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She
turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them,
revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a
drink?"

Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar
and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"

The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "Tell me, Paddy,
it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do
you keep calling her the ballerina?"

The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got
to be a ballerina!"





Title: PAY RISE REQUEST
Post by: rhychydwr1 on October 22, 2006, 02:51:24 pm
PAY RISE REQUEST

Dear Boss,

I, my penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons :

1                     I do physical labour

2                     I work at great depths

3                     I plunge headfirst in everything I do

4                     I do not get weekends or holidays off

5                     I work in a damp environment

6                     I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation

7                     I work in high temperatures

8                     My work exposes me to contagious diseases



Yours sincerely, Penis



THE REPLY !



Dear Penis,



After assessing your request and considering the arguments you have put
forward, your request is denied for the following reasons :



1                     You do not work 8 hours per day

2                     You fall asleep after brief work periods

3                     You do not always follow the orders of your boss

4                     You do not stay in your designated area and are often found visiting other locations

5                     You take no initiative

6                     You need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working

7                     You leave the workplace rather messy after you shift

8                     You do not always observe health and safety regulations by not wearing the     correct protective clothing

9                     You will retire well before you are 65

10                 You unable to work double shifts

11                 You sometimes leave the designated work area before you have finished the task.



And if that were not enough, you are constantly seen exiting the work place
carrying two suspicious looking bags.



Yours sincerely, The Boss




Title: Golden Oldie?
Post by: rhychydwr1 on October 24, 2006, 08:59:15 am
A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in  and informs
the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms or legs. The 
son is justa head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can,
 with love and compassion.

After 21 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad 
takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders 
up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy.  With all the bar patrons 
looking  on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy 
takes his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooop! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts
into a whoop of joy.

The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again.  The patrons
chant "Take another drink"!

The bartender still shakes his head in dismay.

Swoooop! Two arms pops out! The bar goes wild.

The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again.

The patrons chant, "Take another drink"! The bartender ignores the 
whole affair.

By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches 
down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop
out.

The bar is in chaos.

The father falls to his knees, tearfully giving thanks.

The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left....then
to the right ... Right through the front door, into the street, where a
truck runs over him and kills him instantly.

The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief.
 
The bartender sighs and says...



         (wait for it)



         (it's coming)




        (Ya ready?)




         (Don't hate me)




      (take a deep breath)



        "He should have quit while he was a head



Title: The beautiful girl at customs
Post by: rhychydwr1 on October 24, 2006, 11:11:23 am
   The beautiful girl at customs

   A beautiful young woman, on an international flight, asked the
priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favour?"

   "Of course you may. What can I do for you?"

   "Well, I bought this expensive electronic hair dryer that is
well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid that they'll confiscate
it from me. Is there anyway that you could carry it through Customs
for me?  Under your robes perhaps?"

   "I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not
lie."

   "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

   When they got to Customs, the young lady let the priest go ahead
of her. The Customs Officer asked, "Father, do you have anything to
declare?"

   "From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to
declare."

   The Officer thought this answer strange, so he asked, "And what
do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

>   "I have a marvellous little instrument designed to be used on a
woman, but which is, to date, unused."

   Roaring with laughter, the Officer said, "God bless you, Father,
go ahead."




Title: Little Johnny stikes again.
Post by: rhychydwr1 on October 27, 2006, 12:33:14 pm
Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the
 school  playground and go into the woods. Curious, he
 followed the car and saw  Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.

 Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could
 not contain himself as he ran
 home and started to tell his mother.

 "Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's
 car go into the  woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was
 giving Aunt Jane a big  kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then
 Aunt Jane helped  Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane........"

 At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny,
 this is such an  interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it
 for supper time. I  want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell
 it tonight."

 At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Johnny to
 tell his story.
 Johnny started his story, "I was at the playground
 and I saw Daddy's  car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to
 look and he was  giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take
 off her shirt. Then Aunt  Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane
 and Daddy started  doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used
 to do  when Daddy was in the Army."

 Mommy fainted!

 Moral:
 Listen to the whole story before you interrupt.


Title: The Genie
Post by: rhychydwr1 on October 27, 2006, 12:41:23 pm
[Will try again]

A Husband took his wife to play her first game of golf.
Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through 
the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have 
to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy 
drive is going to cost us."

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door.

A warm voice said, "Come on in."

When they opened the door, they saw the damage that was done: 
Glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its 
side near the pieces of window glass.

A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke
my window?"

"Uh...yes sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.

"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually, I want to thank you.

You see, I am a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a
thousand years.

Now that you have released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes.

I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the 
last one for myself."

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and 
blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can
do. And I'll guarantee you a long & healthy life!"

"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.

"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every 
country in the world," she said.

"Consider it done," the genie said

"And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and
natural disasters!"

"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been 
with a  woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with
your wife."

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we 
both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're 
right.

Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what
about you, honey?"

"You know I love you, sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd do the
same for you!"  So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they 
spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other.

The genie was insatiable.

After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and
looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your
husband?"

"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.

"No Kidding," he said. "Thirty-five years old...and both of you 
still believe in genies?"



Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: AndyF on October 27, 2006, 10:16:19 pm
(http://i20.photobucket.com/albums/b233/Cirencester/vvvvvvvvvvvv.jpg)
Title: B & Q JOB APPLICATION
Post by: rhychydwr1 on November 03, 2006, 10:47:08 am
B & Q JOB APPLICATION

This is an actual job application that a 75-year-old pensioner  submitted to B&Q in Tunbridge Wells.

They hired him because he was so funny.....


 NAME:
  Kenneth Way (Grumpy Bastard)

  SEX:
  Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who  will cooperate)

  DESIRED POSITION:
  Company's Chief Executive or Managing Director.  But seriously,  whatever's available.  If I was in a
  position to be picky, I  wouldn't be applying in the first place - would I?

  DESIRED SALARY:
  £150,000 a year plus share options and a Tony Blair style redundancy package. If that's not
 possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

  EDUCATION:
  Yes.

  LAST POSITION HELD:
  Target for middle management hostility.

  PREVIOUS SALARY:
  A lot less than I'm worth.

  MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:
  My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

  REASON FOR LEAVING:
  It was a crap job.

  HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:
  Any.

  PREFERRED HOURS:
  1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

  DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:
  Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

  MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:
  If I had one, would I be here?

  DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM  LIFTING
  UP TO 50 lbs.?:  Of what?

  DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:
  I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that
 runs?"

  HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:
  I may already be a winner of the Reader's Digest Timeshare Free  Holiday
 Offer, so they tell me.

  DO YOU SMOKE?:
  On the job - no! On my breaks - yes!

  WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:
  Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy Swedish supermodel  with
 big tits and who thinks I'm the  greatest thing since sliced bread.

  Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

  NEAREST RELATIVE?:
  7 miles

  DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR
  KNOWLEDGE?:
  Oh yes, absolutely.

  ***Old People Rock!***



Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Peter Burgess on November 03, 2006, 10:50:13 am
 :clap2:

I'd hire him!!!
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Billy Butcombe on November 03, 2006, 11:50:06 am
Me too :clap2:
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Peter Burgess on November 03, 2006, 11:53:57 am
Tunbridge Wells is not so far away. There must be something in the water!
Title: Happy Halloween
Post by: rhychydwr1 on November 05, 2006, 09:13:47 am
Rhychydwr1  has sent you a Jacquie Lawson electronic greeting card.

Please click on the following link to see your card.  If your e-mail program has not displayed this as a link, then please copy the following into the Address or Location bar of your Internet browser.

http://www.jacquielawson.com/viewcard.asp?code=1006357415742

Alternatively, please visit www.jacquielawson.com and select the Pick Up Card option in the menu. Then enter your card code, which is:

1006357415742

If you have any problem at all viewing your card, please click here:

http://www.jacquielawson.com/help_1.asp

If you do not wish to receive e-cards from jacquielawson.com, please click here:

http://www.jacquielawson.com/donotsend.asp

Our ref: JLC574267059-CS / 1006357415742
jacquielawson.com, PO Box 1567, Wedmore, Somerset BS28 4YD, United Kingdom.
Title: Latest Computer Virus Information - URGENT
Post by: rhychydwr1 on November 06, 2006, 12:08:27 pm
Subject: : Latest Computer Virus Information - URGENT

I thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus. Even the most  advanced programmes from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one. It  appears to affect those who were born prior to 1965.

 Symptoms:

1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice - done that!!

2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail- done that too!

3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person. yep!

4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you.
who me?

5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment. well darn!

6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished. oh no, not again!

7. Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND." and I just hate that!

8. Causes you to hit "SEND" when you should "DELETE."

OH NO!!

 IT IS CALLED THE "C-NILE VIRUS

Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: graham on November 09, 2006, 10:06:15 am
OK I know that it's only Thursday, but this is simply brilliant.

http://howtoprankatelemarketer.ytmnd.com/
Title: I think Gus needs a haircut
Post by: rhychydwr1 on November 10, 2006, 09:03:19 am


http://www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southwest/sites/inpictures/pages/yourgallery34.shtml?9
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Peter Burgess on November 10, 2006, 09:07:23 am
That's not an ostrich. Good photo, though.
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Hughie on November 10, 2006, 10:02:44 am
OK I know that it's only Thursday, but this is simply brilliant.

http://howtoprankatelemarketer.ytmnd.com/

That's superb! :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: I think Gus needs a haircut
Post by: Cave_Troll on November 10, 2006, 12:31:36 pm
http://www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southwest/sites/inpictures/pages/yourgallery34.shtml?9

? looks like its bee shawn to me...
Title: Re: I think Gus needs a haircut
Post by: gus horsley on November 10, 2006, 12:38:51 pm


http://www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southwest/sites/inpictures/pages/yourgallery34.shtml?9

Not my best angle but it's quite flattering.  Thanks Tone
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: stealth on November 15, 2006, 01:36:19 pm
A blonde called her boyfriend and said, "Please come over here and help me.  I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure it out or how to get it started."

Her boyfriend asked, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde said, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decided to go over and help with the puzzle. She let him in and showed him where she had the puzzle spread all over the table.  He studied the pieces for a moment, then looked at the box, then turned to her and said, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger.

He took her hand and said, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of hot chocolate and then............", he sighed, ....

"Let's put all these frosted flakes back in the box."
Title: Essex Girls eh ??????
Post by: rhychydwr1 on November 20, 2006, 08:11:39 am
Subject: Essex Girls eh ??????


As a trucker in Essex stops for a red light, a blonde in her car pulls up alongside.

She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.
The trucker lowers the window, and she says, "Hi, my name is Tracy
and do you know are losing some of your load?"

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.
When the truck stops for another red light, the girl again catches up.

She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door.
Again, the trucker lowers the window.
As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi, my name is Tracy
and you are still losing some of your load!".


Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.
At the third red light, the same thing happens again:  All out of breath, the blonde
gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door.
The trucker again, lowers the window.
Again she says "Hi, my name is Tracy and you must know that you are spilling lots of your load?"

When the light turns green, the trucker revs up and races up to the next light.

When he stops this time, he jumps out of the truck and strolls back to the blonde.

He knocks on her window, and she lowers it, he then says,

"Hi, my name is Tony and you should know that I'm actually driving a f**king gritting lorry !!!!"

Title: ADVERTISEMENT FEATURE
Post by: rhychydwr1 on November 20, 2006, 08:17:41 am
ADVERTISEMENT FEATURE


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Do you suffer from shyness?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor
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confident about yourself and your actions. White Wine can help
ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that
you're ready and willing to do just about anything.
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However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are
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Side effects may include dizziness, nausea,
vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control,
loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur,
table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth and a desire to sing
Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker,
Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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WARNING:
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The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
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WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may be a major factor in getting your ass kicked.


Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: ditzy on November 21, 2006, 09:43:24 pm
a man was walking through a graveyard and he heard a chip chip noise so he decided to follow it then he heard the noise agen he cane to a toombstone were the noise was coming from
he then walked around the toomb stome and saw a man there with a chissel
so he says what u doing in a deep voice
the man reples omg u nearly scared the living daylights out of me
the man then said o right sorry so what you actually doing and tyhe man replied they spelt my naim rong the funeral was today and i cant rest in peace if my name is spelt wrong can i ...
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: spongebob on November 25, 2006, 04:22:50 pm
ha ha ha nice won ditzy
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Mr Fell on November 25, 2006, 05:46:43 pm
    Yodelling

Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began?


Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of
Switzerland


 Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep.
 He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the
night.

The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.


As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father,
"Who is that man going into the barn?"


"That fellow traveling through," said the farmer. "needs a
place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn."


The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry." So she prepared
him a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn.


About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing
disheveled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.


The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that
perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out
to the barn,! and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was
askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.


The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and
continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.


When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone,
she broke into tears. "How could he leave without even saying goodbye,"
she cried. "We made such passionate love last night!"


"What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house
looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain.


The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had
sex with my daughter!"

The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his
hand next to his mouth, and yelled out.....

            "LAIDTHEOLADEETOO"            :thumbsup:
Title: Thanksgiving Divorce
Post by: rhychydwr1 on November 27, 2006, 09:05:23 am
Thanksgiving  Divorce

A man in Phoenix calls his son in  New York the day before  Thanksgiving
and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to  tell you that your
mother and I are divorcing;  forty-five years of misery is  enough.

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son  screams.

We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,"  the father says.
"We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking  about this, so you
call your sister in Chicago and tell  her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on  the phone.

"Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts,  "I'll take care of
this,"
She calls Phoenix immediately,and  screams at her father, "You are  NOT
getting  divorced.

Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm  calling my brother
back, and we'll both be there  tomorrow.

Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and  hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his  wife.
"Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and  paying their own
way."


Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: ditzy on November 27, 2006, 07:39:17 pm
A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal. Later, the waitress brings his meal to him. He takes a bite out of it, and notices there's a small hair in the hamburger. He begins yelling frantically at the waitress, "Waitress, there's a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what is going on!"

So, the waitress takes him back where the cook is and to his demise, he sees the cook take the meat patty and flatten it under his arm pit. He says, "That's disgusting!"

Then the waitress says, "You think that's disgusting you should see him make donuts."
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Sid Weighells Dog on November 29, 2006, 05:03:23 pm
I used to have a Labrador retriever & I was buying a large bag of Pedigree Chum biscuits at Asda and was queuing up to pay.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Pedigree Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 2 stone before I awoke in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your coat or trouser pockets with Pedigree Chum biscuits and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

Horrified, she asked if I had been poisoned by the dog biscuits and was that why I ended up in the hospital.

I told her no; I'd been sitting in the road licking my balls when a car hit me.
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: wormster on December 03, 2006, 01:31:38 pm
3 Priests lived on an Island in the tropical Pacific Ocean.

One Day Father Andrew went fishing with the local boys in their outrigger canoe. The local boys had no luck, but father Andrew landed the biggest, ugliest fish he'd ever seen.

"My goodnes, whatever is it!" he exclaimed.
"Big Faker" replied one of the boys.
"Excuse me!" said Father Andrew "I'm a man of the cloth, no swearing please."
"Nah, That's what we call it!" replied the locals.
"Oh well so be it" sighed father Andrew.

Having returned to the Plam thatched Vicarage, with the fish, Father Andrew went into the kithchen and put the fish on the table. In trooped Fathers Christopher and Jacob.

"My goodnes, what a huge monster!" excliamed father Christopher.
"What's it called?" asked father Jacob.
"Big Faker" repiled father Andrew.
"Hold on, no swearing please." Chorused the two others.
"No, no its what its called by the locals." replied father Andrew.

"Hey, we've got the bishop comming over to the Island for Supper today, why don't we serve it to him?" said father Andrew.
"Ok, I'll gut it." said father Christopher.
"And I'll cook it."said father Jacob.

So the set to work, cleaning, gutting and cooking the fish. The Bishop duly arrived and the sat down to a tremendous fish supper. After Eating all of the fish the Bishop asked:

"My, my that was a tremendous, fish supper, what do you call it and how was it perpared?"
Father Andrew pipes up: "Its called a "Big Faker", I caught it, father Christopher gutted it and father Jacob cooked it."

the bishop reached into his hassock and produced a bottle of burbon and a huge joint, he poured 4 large glasses of drink, sat back, lit the joint took a few puffs passed it to the assembled fathers and said:
"Well I guess you B********S are all right!"
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: ditzy on December 03, 2006, 02:30:55 pm
Blonde joke

A blonde and a brunette are driving down the highway in a convertible. The brunette knows that she's speeding so she asks the blonde if there's a cop behind them. The blonde looks behind her and sees a cop and tells the brunette. The brunette then asks if his he's got his lights on. The blonde replies "Yes...No...Yes...No...Yes...No"

 :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Another parrot joke
Post by: rhychydwr1 on December 08, 2006, 02:33:57 pm
There you go lads???

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since
she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave
the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the
counter, and I'll mail you a cheque."

"Oh, by the way don't worry about my doberman Spike. He won't
bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk
to my parrot!" "I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following
day,he discovered the biggest, meanest looking doberman he has ever
seen.  But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet
watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his
incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the
repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled,

"Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"

 See Men just dont listen
Title: Personal ad translations
Post by: rhychydwr1 on December 11, 2006, 02:23:45 pm

Ladies make sure you read this right through till the end!!!

Here is one to make you laugh

DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS :

          40-ish                        -       49

          Adventurous               -       Slept with everyone

          Athletic                      -       No tits

          Average looking          -       Ugly

          Beautiful                     -       Pathological liar

          Contagious Smile        -       Does a lot of pills

          Emotionally secure      -       On medication

          Feminist                     -       Fat

          Free spirit                   -       Junkie

          Friendship first            -       Former very *friendly*person

          Fun                            -       Annoying

          New Age                    -       Body hair in the wrong places

          Open-minded              -       Desperate

          Outgoing                    -       Loud and Embarrassing

          Passionate                 -       Sloppy drunk

          Professional               -       Bitch

          Voluptuous                 -       Very Fat

          Large frame                 -       Hugely Fat

          Wants Soul mate         -       Stalker

WOMEN'S ENGLISH:

          1. Yes                                  =       No

          2. No                                    =       Yes

          3. Maybe                               =       No

          4. We need                            =       I want

          5. I am sorry                           =       you'll be sorry

          6. We need to talk                   =       you're in trouble

          7. Sure, go ahead                    =       you better not

          8. Do what you want                 =       you will pay for his later

          9. I am not upset                      =      Of course I am upset, you moron!

        10. You're very attentive tonight    =      is sex all you ever think about?

MEN'S ENGLISH :

          1. I am hungry                                        =    I am hungry

          2. I am sleepy                                        =    I am sleepy

          3. I am tired                                           =   I am tired

          4. Nice dress                                          =   Nice cleavage!

          5. I love you                                           =   Lets have sex now

          6. I am bored                                         =  Do you want to have sex?

          7. May I have this dance?                       = I'd like to have sex with you

          8. Can I call you sometime?                    =  I'd like to have sex with you

          9. Do you want to go to a movie?           =  I'd like to have sex with you


         10. Can I take you out to dinner?            =  I'd like to have sex with you

          11. Those shoes don't go with that outfit  = I'm gay

And finally.....

A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces
attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features. However when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump
shoved up his backside.



NOW SEND THIS TO A MAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND A WOMAN WITH A SENSE OF HUMOUR!!!




Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: graham on December 12, 2006, 08:20:59 am
A bloke goes into a pub and the barmaid asks what he wants.

"I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your tits" he says.

"You dirty git " shouts the barmaid "get out before I get my husband".

The bloke apologises and promises not to repeat his gaffe. The barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants.

"I want to pull your pants down, spread yoghurt between the cheeks of your arse and lick it all off" he says.

"You dirty filthy pervert. You're barred. Get out!" she storms. Again, the bloke apologises and swears never ever to do it again.

"One more chance'" says the barmaid. "Now, what do you want?"

"I want to turn you upside down, open your legs and fill your pussy with Stella Artois, and then drink every last drop from it".

The barmaid is furious at this personal intrusion, and runs upstairs to fetch her husband, who's sitting quietly watching the telly.

"What's up love?" he asks.

"There's a bloke in the bar who wants to put his head between my tits and lick the sweat off", she says.

"I'll kill him. Where is he?" storms the husband.

"Then he said he wanted to pour yoghurt down between my arse cheeks and lick it off" she screams.

"Right, He's dead" says the husband, reaching for a baseball bat.

"Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my fanny with Stella and then drink it all" she cries.

The husband puts down his bat and returns to his armchair, and switches the telly back on

"Aren't you going to do something about it?" she cries hysterically.

"Look love - I'm not messing with someone who can drink 15 pints of Stella!"
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: ditzy on December 12, 2006, 09:52:06 am
The Local sheriff was looking for a new deputy. When a blonde walks in to try for the job, he asks her "Okay, what is 1 and 1?"

"Eleven", she replies.

The sheriff thinks to himself, "Thats not what I wanted, but I guess she's right!"

"What two days of the week begin with the letter T?" he asks.

"Today and Tomorrow", the blonde answers.

The sheriff is again surprised that the blonde has supplied a correct answer that had not even occurred to him.

"Now listen carefully, who killed Abe Lincoln?" he asks her.

The blonde looks a little surprised. She thinks really hard for a minute and finally admits, "I don't know."

"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"

So, the blonde wanders over to the beauty parlor, where her pals are waiting to hear the results of the interview.

The blonde was exultant. "The interview went great!" she says. "First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"
 :lol:
Title: The Christmas Party!!
Post by: rhychydwr1 on December 13, 2006, 10:54:32 am
CHRISTMAS PARTY


FROM: Pauline, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: 1st November 2005

RE: Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take
 place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private
function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty
of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional
carols...please feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if the MD shows up
 dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at  1.00p.m.

Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time;
however, no gift should be over £10.00 to make the giving of
gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for
employees!

The MD will make a special announcement at the Party.

Merry Christmas to you and your Family.

Pauline


--------------------------------------------------------------------------
----------------------------------------------------------

FROM: Pauline, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: 2nd November 2005

RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish
 employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday,
which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not
this year. However, from now on we're calling it our 'Holiday
Party'.

The same policy applies to any other employees who are not
Christians. There will be no Christmas tree or Christmas
carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family.

Pauline.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------
----------------------------------------------------------

FROM; Pauline, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: 6th November 2005

RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics
Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table...you didn't sign your name.
I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a
table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore!!!!
How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody? Forget about the gift
exchange, no gift exchange allowed now since the Union
Officials feel that £10.00 is too much money and Management believe
£10.00 is a little cheap. NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.


Pauline.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------
---------------------------------------------------------

FROM: Pauline, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: 7th November 2005


RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th
begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating
and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party!
Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not
accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs, perhaps the Grill
House can hold off on serving your meal
until the end of the party - or else package everything up for you to take home in a little
foil doggy bag. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for
members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and
pregnant women will get the table closest to the toilets, Gays
are allowed to sit with each other, Lesbians do not have to sit
with gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be
flower  arrangements for the gay men's table too. To the person asking
permission to cross dress - no cross dressing allowed. We will
have booster seats for short people. Low fat food will be available
for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food
we suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the food
first.

There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics; the
restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry! Did I miss
anything?!?!?!?!?!

Pauline.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------
----------------------------------------------------------

FROM: Pauline, Human Resources Director

TO: All F****** Employees

DATE: 8 November 2005

RE: The F******* Holiday Party.


Vegetarian pricks I've had it with you people !!! We're going
to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not,
so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of
death", as you so quaintly put it, you'll get your f******
salad bar, including organic tomatoes, But you know tomatoes have
feelings too, They scream when you slice them. I've heard them
scream. I'm hearing the scream right NOW!!


I hope you all have a rotten holiday, drink drive and die.


The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


--------------------------------------------------------------------------

----------------------------------------------------------

FROM: John, Acting Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: 9th November 2005

RE: Pauline Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline a speedy
recovery, and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In
the meantime, the Management has decided to cancel our Holiday
Party and instead, give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd December
off with full pay.

John


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Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: ditzy on December 13, 2006, 06:40:22 pm
 Don't Kick the Animals, Man   
 
     A boy awoke and wanted breakfast so he told his mother. She said, "Not until you feed the animals."
The boy went outside and said to the chicken, "I don't feel like feeding you today." So he kicked the chicken. He did the same with the cow and the pig. The boy then went back into the house and told his mother he was hungry. His mother said, "I saw you kick the chicken so you're not getting any eggs, I saw you kick the cow so you're not getting any milk and I saw kick the pig so you're not getting any bacon."

Just then the boy's father walked down the steps and tripped over and kicked the cat and the boy said, "Mom should I tell him?"
 
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Peter Burgess on December 13, 2006, 07:34:59 pm
I don't get it. Why would anyone want to eat a hairy cat  :doubt:
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Brains on December 13, 2006, 07:56:41 pm
Is he being "tongue" in cheek?
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: ditzy on December 13, 2006, 08:17:54 pm
now that i think about it i dnt get it! i got it from a joke book does any 1 get the joke?
 :-\ :doubt:
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Brains on December 13, 2006, 09:28:42 pm
Doh!
No pussy for him!
Bad joke cos he is married with kids, therefore no pussy anyway,
In the context of the joke, specifically eating pussy...

Please dont tell me you still dont get it
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Les W on December 13, 2006, 09:33:03 pm
Please dont tell me you still dont get it

3 times a week!  :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: graham on December 13, 2006, 09:51:18 pm
Please dont tell me you still dont get it

3 times a week!  :thumbsup:

Been cutting down then, Les?  :coffee:
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Les W on December 13, 2006, 09:57:07 pm
Been cutting down then, Les?  :coffee:

Have to save some energy for caving  ;D
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: graham on December 13, 2006, 09:58:31 pm
Fair enough.
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: ditzy on December 13, 2006, 10:00:54 pm
 
  Tom walks out of a bar, swaying back and forth with a key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches.
"Can I help you, fella?" asks the cop.

"Yes! Somebody stole my car!" Tom replies.

The cop asks, "Okay, where was your car the last time you saw it?"

"It was at the end of this key!" Tom replies.

At this point, the cop looks down and sees Tom's penis hanging out of his trousers. So he asks Tom, "Hey buddy, are you aware that you're exposing yourself?"

Tom looks down sadly and moans, "Oh God.... they got my girlfriend too!"
 
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: ditzy on December 15, 2006, 07:04:23 pm
http://jokes.comedycentral.com/
Title: The Redhead
Post by: rhychydwr1 on December 16, 2006, 01:12:55 pm
THE REDHEAD

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He instinctively reaches out, grabs it out of the air and hands it back. "Oh my, I am so sorry " the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

 

"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says. They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest thoughts and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!

"You know," he said, "You are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? "

"No," she replies, "You just happened to catch my eye."

 

(oh, shut up and just forward it!)

 

Title: Shipwrecked
Post by: rhychydwr1 on December 16, 2006, 01:24:31 pm
A man was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and
a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realized that
they were stranded on a deserted island.

After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal
companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus
clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely
man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the
man took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but
there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.

The only survivor was Hillary Clinton.

That evening, the man introduced Hillary to the evening beach ritual. It was
another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze
-- perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the man started to get
"those feelings" again..

He fought the urges as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned
over to Hillary, cautiously and whispered in her ear...

"Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"


Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Mr Fell on December 16, 2006, 05:05:22 pm
Little old lady goes to the drs 4 viagra pills 4 her husband The dr says it comes in 3 strengths 30%semi hard 40% hard & 60% rock hard old lady says "i'll have the 30%please it's just to stop him pissing on his slippers"
 
 :o
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Mr Fell on December 16, 2006, 05:06:36 pm
A dustman knocks on a japanese blokes door and the jap says harro, and the dustman replies wheres ur bin ? I bin on the loo says the jap? No mate wheres ya dustbin? I dust bin on the loo i told u ? Mate! Where is ur wheelie bin ? Ho k  i wheelie bin having a wank  :o :o
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: ditzy on December 16, 2006, 06:11:10 pm
 
  Reaching the end of a job...   
 
         Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked a young engineer fresh out of MIT what kind of a salary he was looking for.

    "In the neighborhood of $140,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

   "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years...say, a red Corvette?"

   "Wow! Are you kidding?"
 
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: darthnoddy on December 16, 2006, 08:10:15 pm
Can someone explain? :-[
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: graham on December 16, 2006, 08:16:49 pm
Can someone explain? :-[

I think Ditzy has left off the last line:

"Well, you started it."
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: wormster on December 17, 2006, 01:20:57 pm
It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli (E.  Coli) Bacteria found in faeces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of Crap.

However, we do not run that risk when drinking wine, beer (or other liquors) because alcohol has to go through a distillation process of boiling, filtering and fermenting.

Therefore....

WATER = CRAP

WINE = HEALTH

Free yourself of Crap, drink WINE!!!   

It is better to drink wine and talk shit than to drink water and be full of shit.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. 

I am doing it as a public service.


Have a nice day...
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: ditzy on December 17, 2006, 01:50:44 pm
what do you call ghosts that put out fires?

a fire frighter
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Walrus on December 17, 2006, 01:56:57 pm
How do you keep an idiot in suspense?



Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: ditzy on December 17, 2006, 02:08:27 pm
ummm not tell them the answer?

 :shrug:
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Peter Burgess on December 17, 2006, 02:12:01 pm
At the risk of being frowned upon for posting something serious in a joke thread - E.Coli are naturally occurring bacteria in everbodys digestive tract. You would probably feel very ill if you didn't have them. A little knowledge is a dangerous thing. Someone gets poisoned by a particular strain of E.Coli and everyone then thinks that E.Coli are nasty bugs. Not true.
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: wormster on December 17, 2006, 03:07:48 pm
Peter:

"I've seen it. It's rubbish."  :bounce: :bounce: :bounce: :bounce:
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: ditzy on December 17, 2006, 06:19:50 pm
tanyas joke of the day


why did silly billie eat just bread for tea?

beacause it said whole- meal on the packet

 :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Walrus on December 17, 2006, 09:59:44 pm
Did you know... the word 'gullible' isn't in the dictionary. Go on... look it up!
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: stealth on December 18, 2006, 10:39:08 am
How do you make an idiot laugh on boxing day?


Tell him a joke on Christmas Eve! 

 :lol:
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: ditzy on December 18, 2006, 10:48:01 am
 :lol: :lol: :lol:

thats a good 1 stealth
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: ditzy on December 18, 2006, 11:11:32 am
doctor doctor i feel like im shrinking

ull just half to be a little patient

 :lol:
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: stealth on December 18, 2006, 11:17:07 am
What do you get if you cross Santa with a flying saucer?



A UF ho, ho, ho
     
 :shrug:
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: ditzy on December 18, 2006, 11:18:08 am
 :lol: :lol: :lol:

whats 300 ft tall and wobbles?

the trifle tower
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: stealth on December 18, 2006, 11:37:32 am
What does Santa Claus do when his elves misbehave?



He gives them the sack!






Enough Enough!!
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: ditzy on December 18, 2006, 11:39:10 am
 :lol: :lol: :lol:

stealth shouldnt santa give his elfs a second chance after all he is ment to be merry
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Walrus on December 18, 2006, 01:43:13 pm
Nothing else matters as long as you have your 'elf...   ;)
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: ditzy on December 18, 2006, 06:17:29 pm
what do u call a sheep with no legs?

a cloud

 ;)
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Mr Fell on December 18, 2006, 06:45:14 pm
This bit is for swearing and filth - but these are nice fluffy innocent jokes :o
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Brains on December 18, 2006, 07:04:54 pm
Ok, if thats what you want....

Whats the difference between Mr Kipling and a serial killer?







Mr Kipling puts six tarts in a box...
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: ditzy on December 18, 2006, 07:06:35 pm
 :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: mak on December 18, 2006, 07:58:27 pm
I've heard there's a dyslexic Santa in Ipswich.

Keeps leaving prossies under trees.
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: ditzy on December 18, 2006, 08:11:24 pm
There are 3 nuns on a park bench and a nide walksa past the first nun faints the second has a heart attack and the third 1 is gutted because they cant reeach.
 ;D
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Hughie on December 18, 2006, 11:59:13 pm
Ipswich rugby club is on the lookout for new players - they're short of a few hookers.
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Cap'n Chris on December 19, 2006, 12:10:21 am
(http://img153.imageshack.us/img153/6049/emptyplatefw1.th.jpg) (http://img153.imageshack.us/my.php?image=emptyplatefw1.jpg)
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: hoehlenforscher on December 19, 2006, 12:18:51 am
Ditzy, Ditzy Ditzy........The second nun had a STROKE, not a heart attack :confused: :confused:

As your joke tutor can I just add to your end of year report

"a likeable member of the forum but lacks concentration, must try harder"  :spank: :spank:
 ;D ;D :lol:
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: emgee on December 19, 2006, 05:55:27 am
How do you keep an idiot in suspense?





Tell them that the word gullible isn't in the Oxford Dictionary.


Works surprisingly often for me.
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: emgee on December 19, 2006, 05:58:08 am
Did you know... the word 'gullible' isn't in the dictionary. Go on... look it up!

Aaargh you beat me to it :)
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: ditzy on December 19, 2006, 09:39:01 am
hoehlenforscher

as ur my joke tutor i will try harder, i will rephrase the joke

There are 3 nuns on a park bench and a nude walks past the first nun faints the second has a stroke  and the third 1 is gutted because they cant reeach.

 :)
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: hoehlenforscher on December 19, 2006, 09:52:39 am
Better, much better

now write it out 100 times and have it on my desk by tomorrow morning  :lol: :lol:

only kidding  :kiss2:
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: ditzy on December 19, 2006, 09:53:27 am
 :lol:
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: stealth on December 19, 2006, 03:49:31 pm
Blonde Car Accident

One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.

The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.

He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.

Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.

The blonde started laughing.

This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.

This time the blonde laughed even harder.

Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.

The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.

The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: stealth on December 19, 2006, 03:57:56 pm
Two deaf men were in a coffee shop discussing their wives.

One signs to the other, boy was my wife mad at me last night!

She went on and on and wouldn't stop!

The other Buddy says when my wife goes off on me I just don't listen.

How do you do that? Says the other.

It's easy! I turn off the light!
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Mr Fell on December 19, 2006, 05:43:09 pm
Bin man knocks on a japanese guy'd door. Jap says `harro'. Bin man says `Where's your bin'. Jap says `I bin on loo'. Bin man says ` No mate - where's ya dustbin'. Jap says ` I dust bin on de loo - I told you'. Bin man says `Look mate where`s your wheelie bin'. Jap says 'Ho - ok I wheelie bin having a wank'! :lol:
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Greg Jones on December 19, 2006, 05:50:05 pm
A dustman knocks on a japanese blokes door and the jap says harro, and the dustman replies wheres ur bin ? I bin on the loo says the jap? No mate wheres ya dustbin? I dust bin on the loo i told u ? Mate! Where is ur wheelie bin ? Ho k  i wheelie bin having a wank  :o :o
Bin man knocks on a japanese guy'd door. Jap says `harro'. Bin man says `Where's your bin'. Jap says `I bin on loo'. Bin man says ` No mate - where's ya dustbin'. Jap says ` I dust bin on de loo - I told you'. Bin man says `Look mate where`s your wheelie bin'. Jap says 'Ho - ok I wheelie bin having a wank'! :lol:
:'(
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Walrus on December 19, 2006, 05:51:12 pm
A dustman knocks on a japanese blokes door and the jap says harro, and the dustman replies wheres ur bin ? I bin on the loo says the jap? No mate wheres ya dustbin? I dust bin on the loo i told u ? Mate! Where is ur wheelie bin ? Ho k  i wheelie bin having a wank  :o :o
Bin man knocks on a japanese guy'd door. Jap says `harro'. Bin man says `Where's your bin'. Jap says `I bin on loo'. Bin man says ` No mate - where's ya dustbin'. Jap says ` I dust bin on de loo - I told you'. Bin man says `Look mate where`s your wheelie bin'. Jap says 'Ho - ok I wheelie bin having a wank'! :lol:
:'(

Obviously, he needed to refine it!
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Mr Fell on December 19, 2006, 05:56:44 pm
The memory is'nt what it was - sorry :'(
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: andymorgan on December 19, 2006, 11:48:16 pm
At the risk of being frowned upon for posting something serious in a joke thread - E.Coli are naturally occurring bacteria in everbodys digestive tract. You would probably feel very ill if you didn't have them. A little knowledge is a dangerous thing. Someone gets poisoned by a particular strain of E.Coli and everyone then thinks that E.Coli are nasty bugs. Not true.
I agree with that you aren't always nasty, but you wouldn't be ill without them.

Luke Skywalker and Obe Wan Kinobe were in a Chinese restaurant. Luke Skywalker said "I can't use these chopsticks"

"Use the forks" said Obe Wan!
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: ditzy on December 20, 2006, 06:00:23 pm
football joke


why was the football pitch triangular?

because someone took a corner
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Brains on December 20, 2006, 06:33:52 pm
Q. Whats the difference between marbles and babies?




A. You can't shift marbles with a pitch fork
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: ditzy on December 20, 2006, 06:38:48 pm
 :lol:

heres a old joke

whats black and white and read all over?

a newspaper
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Mark on December 20, 2006, 06:45:51 pm
:lol:

whats black and white and read all over?



What about a Black and White Menstrual
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Brains on December 20, 2006, 06:50:43 pm
or maybe a sunburnt penguin?
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: ditzy on December 20, 2006, 06:52:04 pm
 :shrug:

iv hear the 1 about the sun burnt penguin but iv never heard about the menstrual
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Brains on December 20, 2006, 06:53:10 pm
Why dont polar bears eat penguins?



1) They cant get the wrappers off
2) It's to far to walk, swim, fly, or otherwise travel
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Brains on December 20, 2006, 06:54:49 pm
What is red and screams?

A peeled baby in salt

=======

What is green and screams?

Freshly cut lettuce
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: ditzy on December 20, 2006, 06:58:04 pm
 :clap2: :bow: :lol:


im running out of jokes that i can think off

my joke tutor will be so mad wid me  :furious:

lol

Ditzy

Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Brains on December 20, 2006, 06:59:42 pm
Which bit of a vegetable cant you eat?


The wheelchair


Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: ditzy on December 20, 2006, 07:00:52 pm
i dont get it Brains can you exsplane plz
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: wormster on December 20, 2006, 07:06:51 pm
why have babies got soft heads?


so's you can carry them in 5's
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: ditzy on December 20, 2006, 07:08:57 pm
 :lol:
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: ditzy on December 20, 2006, 07:11:14 pm
just though of 1

why could 2 snowmen only smell half of everything?

because the childeren only had 1 carrot
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Brains on December 21, 2006, 09:04:00 am
Why do elephants paint their balls red?

So they can hide in Cherry trees
-
How do elephants get out of the cherry tree?

Sit on a leaf and wait for autumn
-
And the loudest sound in the jungle?

Giraffes eating cherries....
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: hoehlenforscher on December 21, 2006, 08:25:13 pm
Dear oh dear Ditzy :doubt: Is that the best you can manage today. I suggest a night spent with a feather duster in your nightie to try and inspire you for tomorrow.  ::)

Meanwhile some classic humour from your tutor

I went to a zoo last week and all they had was one dog

   It was a Shitzu

I went to another zoo and saw a big black bear asleep in his cage. I asked the keeper waht type of bear it was.

"Himalayan" came the reply.

"I can see that" I said "but what type of bear is it?"

Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: ditzy on December 22, 2006, 06:06:42 pm
hoehlenforscher is this 1 better?

Yankees -vs- Red Sox   
 

  A teacher asks her students if they're Yankees fans. All of the hands go up except for one student.
"Okay, Bobby. What team are you a fan of?"
"The Red Sox."
"Why's that?"
"Well, my parents are both Red Sox fans, so I'm a Red Sox fan too."
"That's not a good answer, Bobby. If your parents were both morons, would you be a moron too?"
"No, that would make me a Yankees fan!" 
Title: Widow's Letter To God
Post by: rhychydwr1 on December 24, 2006, 09:56:00 am


Widow's Letter To God
  There was a man who worked for the Post Office, whose job it was to
  process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came
 addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address.
 He thought he should open it to see what it was about.  The letter read:
 Dear God,
 I am an 83-year-old widow, living on a very small pension.  Yesterday someone stole my purse.  It   had £100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check.
Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner.  Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with.
I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope.    Can you please help me?
    Sincerely,
    Edna

The postal worker was touched.  He showed the letter to all the other workers.
Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few pounds.  By the time he made the rounds, he had collected £96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.
The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she
would  be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and went.
A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.
All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read:
Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?
  Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends.  We had a very nice  day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.

  By the way, there was £4 missing.
  I think it must have been those  bastards at the Post Office.

Sincerely,
   Edna

   
Title: CONGRATULATIONS IF YOU WERE BORN IN THE
Post by: rhychydwr1 on December 24, 2006, 09:57:05 am
 CONGRATULATIONS IF YOU WERE BORN IN THE

     1930's 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's !!

     First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us.

     They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes.

     Then after that trauma, our baby cribs were covered with bright coloured lead-based paints.

     We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.

     As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.

     We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.

     We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.

     We ate cakes, white bread and real butter and drank pop with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because......

     WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!!

     We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.

     No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.

     We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

     We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, no video tape movies, no surround sound,no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms..........WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

     We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no
     lawsuits from these accidents.

     We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.


     We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.

     We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them!

     Football teams had trials and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!

     The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of.They actually sided with the law!

     This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!

     The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.

     We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned

     HOW TO

     DEAL WITH IT ALL!

     And YOU are one of them!

     CONGRATULATIONS!

     You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good.

     and while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were.

     Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?!

     PS -The big type is because your eyes are deteriorating at your age





Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: ditzy on December 24, 2006, 10:28:03 am
           The Christmas Elf Massacre     
 
     Buy me a beer if you want the story told
Of why I moved down South from the frost and cold.
Why I’m knee deep in therapy, liquor, and pills.
Why I’ve given up charity in lieu of cheap thrills.


Why I loathe mistletoe, fruitcake and bells --
And why I’ll celebrate Xmas when it freezes in hell.
You’ll never see this elf make angels in snow.
Hey thanks for the booze – so I guess here it goes:


“Twas the night after Christmas in the North Pole
No creatures were stirring, not one lousy soul.
Santa’s house appeared eerily silent
But inside the fat man was hungry, was violent
.

This workshop of toys for kids of all ages
Was filled with elves quaking in cages.
Who woke up from their long winter’s naps
To find themselves snared in a devious trap.


Hours before I had been bingeing on nog
Passed out under the bed, I spied the whole saga.
I saw all my brothers rounded up in cages.
Sleepy victims of wicked midnight rampages.


Then what to my horrified eyes should appear
But a wild-eyed Santa pinching an elf by the ear.
Each little sprite shook in their tights and boots.
That this monster was Santa, no one could refute.


His size and his beard gave him away as St. Nick
His fangs and his scales made me quite sick
Blood seemed to stain his white fluffy trim
He was hunched, drooling, and disgustingly slim.

“Come little helper! Climb into my maw!”
He laughed, then casually ate the elf raw.
He greedily sucked the imp’s hide off the bone
I was awed! I was scared! I was truly alone!


Dainty elf paws clutched bars and cried
Drunk on deinal; confounded by why.
(He lost his count during his murderous spree
Thought he’d rounded up most, but forgot about me!)


His hunger was wracking his hunched-over frame
With a crippling appetite that didn’t know shame.
“Don’t eat us! We love you! Look at our faces!”
The doomed little elves made their sad cases


But Santa ignored them with a swipe of his fist
Pulled out some parchment and started a list:
“Silence, you nuggets – I’m trying to think
Who to char-broil, who to blend into drink.


Who to dice, fillet, bake or panfry
Who to boil in soup, who to stuff in a pie”
These taunts seemed so strange to come from a man
Who held the dreams of children in his hands


Teeth full of gristle, he then sadly revealed
To his captive chorus of angel-faced veal,
That humans are greedy, petty, drunk on their vices.
And each Yuletide revel exacts gruesome prices


These prices are paid by the magical gnomes
Who hammer the toys that clutter up homes.
The payment’s a life – one for each holiday sin.
Delivered by Santa, after his joyful break-ins.


Perhaps he was cursed by the Easter Bunny
Or an April Fool’s jester who thought it’d be funny.
The Great Pumpkin, Jack Frost or just maybe –
That jealous and bratty New Years Eve baby.


Maybe it was a clue, how well we were fed
On cookies, cakes, lard balls and bread.
But our nature’s to love, not to distrust.
So we hugged the fat Claus’s and finished each crust.


Ignorant to what would soon transpire
We’d collapse in heaps by the crackling fire.
Expecting the old man to come flying back
And start making next years toys for his sack.


But how does he have enough sprites for his belly?
The final act of sorrow starts as fetal elf jelly.
That ferments inside his wife until it’s a broth
Filled with thimble-sized elves that surge forth like froth.


And these newborn elves, spawned pure from her womb.
Don’t understand: their workshop is really a tomb
Their dimples are gumdrops, they sneeze pixie dust.
Santa doesn’t hate them – he’s cursed with a lust.


Elves are packed with vitamins A, C, and E
We’re awfully juicy, tart yet also fruity,
We go well with gravy and mayonnaise and toast
But casserole is how Santa likes us the most.


Barbequed, fricasseed, or flambéed
Sunny-side up, shish-ka-bobbed or flayed.
Prepared anyway, our flesh is quite delicious
And it’s not like toy-happy children will miss us.


Goodbye Carl, Zud, Sprinkles and Jan!
Blossom, Hortense, Cobweb, and Stan!
Julie, Miss Knickers, Fidget, and Ralph.
I’m sorry you’re dead, you wonderful elf.


A mouthed greased with fat, Santa then hibernated.
As Mrs. Claus squatted and grossly gestated
And all that is left of my cherubic siblings.
Was a pile of bells, curly-toed boots – mostly elf things


So much for good cheer! But don’t shed a tear:
This gruesome cycle has happened for hundreds of years.
And as the fist to survive Father’s murderous rout
In a month I stopped hiding and got the hell out.”

Now I spend my days soaking under a sun like a yolk
(Yeah, I wish I’d have saved all or some of my folk)
I now have a tan where the rum’s in supply.
Sewing up flags for Captain Fourth of July.
 
 
 
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Tree Monkey on December 24, 2006, 12:07:24 pm
Are you running a competion? To see who can come up with the longest story or crap!! :read: :lol:
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Mark on December 24, 2006, 04:05:37 pm
Ditzy: look up joke in the dictionary, a few definitions below


Something said or done to evoke laughter or amusement, especially an amusing story with a punch line.
A mischievous trick; a prank.
An amusing or ludicrous incident or situation.
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: ditzy on December 24, 2006, 06:14:12 pm
what happened to the child who ate tinsel?

they got tinselitus
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Mark on December 24, 2006, 08:22:43 pm
what happened to the child who ate tinsel?

they got tinselitus

By Jove she's got it
Title: Rumsfeldisms
Post by: rhychydwr1 on December 29, 2006, 08:51:55 am
To make you chuckle, maybe, or weep!

Subject: Rumsfeldisms

I would not say that the future is necessarily less predictable 
than the past. I think the past was not predictable when it
started."

"We do know of certain knowledge that he [Osama Bin Laden] is 
either in Afghanistan, or in some other country, or dead."

"We know where they are. They're in the area around Tikrit and 
Baghdad and east, west, south and north somewhat." -(on Iraq's 
weapons of mass destruction)

"Death has a tendency to encourage a depressing view of war."

"Freedom's untidy, and free people are free to make mistakes and 
commit crimes and do bad things." (on looting in Iraq after the 
U.S. invasion, adding "stuff happens")

"As you know, you go to war with the army you have, not the army 
you might want or wish to have at a later time."

"[Osama Bin Laden is] either alive and well or alive and not too 
well or not alive."

"I am not going to give you a number for it because it's not my 
business to do intelligent work." (asked to estimate the number of 
Iraqi insurgents while testifying before Congress)

"Needless to say, the President is correct. Whatever it was he
said."

"If I said yes, that would then suggest that that might be the only
  place where it might be done which would not be accurate, 
necessarily accurate. It might also not be inaccurate, but I'm 
disinclined to mislead anyone."

"There's another way to phrase that and that is that the absence of
  evidence is not the evidence of absence. It is basically saying
the  same thing in a different way. Simply because you do not have 
evidence that something does exist does not mean that you have 
evidence that it doesn't exist." -on Iraq's weapons of mass 
destruction

"It is unknowable how long that conflict [the war in Iraq] will 
last. It could last six days, six weeks. I doubt six months." -in 
Feb. 2003

"Well, um, you know, something's neither good nor bad but thinking 
makes it so, I suppose, as Shakespeare said."

"Secretary Powell and I agree on every single issue that has ever 
been before this administration except for those instances where 
Colin's still learning."

"Learn to say 'I don't know.' If used when appropriate, it will be 
often."

"I don't know what the facts are but somebody's certainly going to 
sit down with him and find out what he knows that they may not 
know, and make sure he knows what they know that he may not know."

"I'm not into this detail stuff. I'm more concepty."

"I don't do quagmires."

"I don't do diplomacy."

"I don't do foreign policy."

"I don't do predictions."

"I don't do numbers."

"I don't do book reviews."

"Now, settle down, settle down. Hell, I'm an old man, it's early in
  the morning and I'm gathering my thoughts here."

"If I know the answer I'll tell you the answer, and if I don't, 
I'll just respond, cleverly."

"Oh, Lord. I didn't mean to say anything quotable."

No terrorist state poses a greater or more immediate threat to the 
security of our people and the stability of the world than the 
regime of Saddam Hussein in Iraq.

It seems to me that it's up to all of us to try to tell the truth, 
to say what we know, to say what we don't know, and recognize that 
we're dealing with people that are perfectly willing to, to lie to 
the world to attempt to further their case and to the extent people
 lie of, ultimately they are caught lying and they lose their 
credibility and one would think it wouldn't take very long for that
  to happen dealing with people like this.

Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: ditzy on December 29, 2006, 11:09:51 am
what happened to the child who ate tinsel?

they got tinselitus

By Jove she's got it

yes i got it i know whata joke is
 :)
Title: Look out Gus
Post by: rhychydwr1 on December 29, 2006, 11:53:22 am
This is hilarious.....try it. Click on the site below.

http://crass.on.ru/flash/aaa-1.html


Look for fire button lower right side.

Keep missing on purpose and listen to Gus...

Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Mr Fell on December 30, 2006, 01:07:57 pm
Q. How does a farmer find a sheep in the long grass?

A. Satisfying !
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Mr Fell on December 30, 2006, 01:11:22 pm
Q. They have just found a new use for sheep in Wales?

A. Yes - Wool.
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Mr Fell on December 30, 2006, 01:16:08 pm
Q. Why do farmers have sex with sheep on the edge of mountains?

A. So they'll push back harder !
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Greg Jones on December 30, 2006, 01:48:59 pm
You can't beat a good sheep joke, and here's one of my favourites. Try to stick with it to the end.

There was once a farmer, let's call him farmer Les, and it came to the time of year when the sheep had to be impregnated. Les was a poor farmer, who didn't own a ram of his own, so when he needed a ram he hired one in to do the business. So Les hires this ram, at what he considers to be a fairly steep day-rate but, what-the-heck, he's only going to have it for a couple of days at the most.

So Les pops the ram in with the flock of ewes and leaves him to it. For those of you unfamiliar with the ways of the country, the ram is fitted with a marker that leaves a coloured dab on the ewes back once she has been serviced.

Early the next morning Les inspects his flock to find that none of the ewes have been serviced. Off he goes to to see the vet.

"Vetnary!" says Les, "oive ired this ere ram to service me ewes an e asnt done a single one of um in a day. Ees costing me an arm an a leg in ire fees, can ya give me summat to perk im up a bit."

"Les my dear chap" says the vet, "it isn't the ram thats at fault here, it's your ewes. They're not in the mood".

"Well can ya give us summat for the ewes then" booms Les.

"Les" says the vet, "you know that's not what's needed here. You have to put them in the mood yourself".

"YOU WHAT" roars Les.

"You know what you have to do" says the vet, "now get off home and make a start".

So Les goes back to the farm. He loads all the ewes into his old van and drives them to a field out of sight of the farm, and sets to work, "putting the ewes in the right frame of mind" so to speak. Four hours later, after a marathon sheep-shagging session, Les drives back to the farm, puts the ewes back in the field with the ram, and goes indoors to his bed.

Next morning, as was the custom in Les's household; Doris, his wife of 30 years, gets up first to start breakfast. She opens the curtains. "Doris, Doris" says Les, "as that ram serviced them ewes yet". "No Les" she replies, "not a single one". "Bugger" muttered Les.

Off he races back to the vet.

"Vetnary, ya gottoo elp me" pleaded Les. "I dun wot ya sed; I gev them ewes a good seeing to, but the ram ant dun a single one of um".

"Les" says the vet, "what sort of farmer are you that can't sex-up a few ewes. Get back home and do the job properly".

So back goes Les, loads all the ewes into his van, drives to the secluded field, shags all the ewes, puts them back in the van, back to the farm, unloads the ewes into the field with the ram; then staggers inside to his bed.

Next morning, Doris gets up and opens the curtains. "Doris, Doris" says Les, "as that ram shagged them ewes yet".

"No luv", says Doris, "not a single one of them".

"Bugger" says Les.

Now the cost of hiring the ram is a bit steep as I've already said, so Les rushes off back to the vet.

"VETNARY" shouts Les, "YOU MUST THINK OI BE DAFT OR SUMMAT. UP ALL HOURS A THA DAY SHAGGING SHEEP, WHILE YOU BE AVIN A LARF ABOUT IT WI YER POSH MATES. NOW GI US SUMMAT FER THEM EWES, THE IRE FEES IS CRIPPLING ME".

"Les, Les, calm down", says the vet. "You know as well as I do that there is no magic potion. You have to get the ewes in the mood yourself in the time honoured way of the country farmer. Get yourself off home, have a good meal, then see what you can do".

So Les gets back to the farm, has a good fry-up, then sets to work with renewed vigour.

He loads all the sheep into the van, drives them over the hill, gets them all out, shags them all twice for good measure, loads them all back in the van, back to the farm, into the field with the ram, then crawls into the farmhouse and collapses into his bed, an empty shell of the man he once was.

Early the next morning, before even Doris has risen, they are woken by a loud commotion outside. Doris leaps out of bed and throws back the curtains.

"DORIS,DORIS" shouts Les excitedly, "IS THAT RAM SHAGGING THE EWES?"

"No Les" she replies, "but all the ewes are in your van, and one of thems beeping the horn!".

Title: Subject: 10 Finkers
Post by: rhychydwr1 on January 02, 2007, 10:39:37 am
 Subject: 10 Finkers

Ole vas vorking at the fish plant up nort in Dulut vhen he    accidently cut off all ten of his finkers.

He vent to da emergency room in the Clinik and vhen he got dar da Norsky  doctor looked at Ole and said, "Let's have da finkers and I'll see vhat I can do." Ole said,  "I  haven't got da finkers." 

 "Vhat do you mean, you hafen't got da finkers?" he said.  "Lord-it's 2006  and  Ive's got  microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could hafe put dem back on and  made  you like new!
Vhy didn't you brink da finkers?"

Ole says........"How da fock vas I  suppose  to pick dem up?


Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: AndyF on January 03, 2007, 10:58:55 am
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must
tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhoea in the convent."

"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of
chardonnay."
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: AndyF on January 03, 2007, 10:59:23 am
New Priest

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions.

The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand.... and try saying things like......... "Yes, I see," and "Yes, go on," and "I understand."

The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with one hand and repeats all the suggested remarks to the old priest.



The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying, "No s*** .... what happened next??"
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Mr Fell on January 03, 2007, 05:36:13 pm
 A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the
 third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. They
 dusted themselves off and surveyed their situation.
 Finally, the priest spoke. "Well, sister, this looks pretty grim."
 "I know, father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive 
 more
 than a day or two."
"I agree", says the Father, "Sister, since we are unlikely to make it 
 out
 of here alive, would you do something for me?"
 "Anything father."
 "I've never seen a woman's breasts. I was wondering if I could see
 yours."
 "Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm, so
 the nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely
 breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.
 "Sister would you mind if I touched them?" She consented and he fondled
 them for several minutes.
 "Father, could I ask something of you?"
 "Of course, sister."
 "I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?"
 "I suppose that would be OK," the priest replied lifting his robe.
 "Oh father, may I touch it?" The priest consented and after a few 
 minutes
 of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.
"Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can
 give life."
 "Is that true father?"
"Yes, it is, sister."
Oh Father, that's wonderful! Stick it in the camel and let's get the 
 hell out of here." :thumbsup:

 

Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Mr Fell on January 04, 2007, 06:30:31 pm
At 85 years of age, Morris married Lou Anne, a lovely 25-year-old. Since her

new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that after their wedding she and

Morris should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new

but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night

together.

 

After the wedding festivities Lou Anne prepares herself for bed and the

expected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and

there is Morris, her 85-year-old groom ready for action. They unite as one.

All goes well, Morris takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to

sleep.

 

After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and

it's Morris. Again he is ready for more action. Somewhat surprised, Lou Anne

consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Morris kisses his

bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves.

 

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it - Morris is back

again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more

action. Once again they enjoy each other.

 

But as Morris gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I am

thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often.

I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once.

You are truly a great lover, Morris."

 

Morris, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says, "You mean I was

here already?"

 

Alzheimer's - it has its advantages  :thumbsup:

 

 
Title: Always check before you wrap something
Post by: rhychydwr1 on January 05, 2007, 11:35:29 am
Subject: Always check before you wrap something



A Young man called John wanted to buy his new girlfriend a Christmas present. As they hadn't been seeing each other for very long ,he decided after careful consideration,that a pair of gloves would strike the right note, not too romantic and not too personal.  He went with his girlfriends sister to Harrods and bought a dainty pair of white fur lined gloves, The sister bought a pair of Knickers for herself at the same time.  During the wrapping the shop assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Ron got the knickers, Without checking Ron sealed the package and sent it to his new girlfriend with the following letter:-

Dear Sasha,
I chose these because i've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for your sister i would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones which are easier to remove. These are a very delicate shade, but the lady i bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled at all, I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her.

She also said that the pair rubs her ring which helps keep it clean and shiny, In fact she hasn�t need to wash it since she began wearing them, I wish i was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before i have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will naturally be a little damp from wearing, Just think how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.

I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.

All my love
John


P.S.The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing.
--


Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: ditzy on January 08, 2007, 09:20:26 am
 Two eggs   
 
Two eggs are in a frying pan and one says “Man it’s hot in here.” The other one says “Holy sh*t a talking egg!” 
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Mr Fell on January 11, 2007, 06:22:32 pm
Whats the dfference between Saddam and a bit of womens sanitary ware?

One is a string hanging from a c**t.

The other is a c**t hanging from a string. :-\
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: ditzy on January 13, 2007, 09:51:40 am
1 person walks into the doctors surgery and runs up to the docto and says doctor doctor
i feel like im shrinking

the doctor replies youll just half to be a little patient
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Brains on January 13, 2007, 04:51:40 pm
Doctor, Doctor, some days I feel like a teepee, and other days like a marquee, am I going mad?

No, your just to tense...

=================

Doctor Doctor I feel like a pair of curtains

Pull yourself togethere man!


=================


Nurse! I said prick his boil!
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: ditzy on January 13, 2007, 06:13:08 pm
 :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Senior Banking
Post by: rhychydwr1 on January 18, 2007, 01:02:54 pm

Banking by a Senior

A 98 year old woman wrote this to her bank. The bank manager
thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.


Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I
endeavored to pay my plumber last month.

By my calculations, three 'nanoseconds' must have elapsed between
his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds
needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit
of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for
only eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of
opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the
inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has
caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.

I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls
and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the
impersonal, overcharging, prerecorded, faceless entity which your bank has
become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood
person. My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter
no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by check,
addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you
must nominate.

Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other
person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application
Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry
it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or
her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note
that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a
Notary  Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial  situation
(income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she
must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than
28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses
required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank
service.

As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further.  When you call me, press buttons as follows:
1-- To make an appointment to see me.
2-- To query a missing payment.
3-- To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4-- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5-- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6-- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7-- To leave a message on my computer. (a password to access my computer
is required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date
to the Authorized Contact.)
8-- To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
9-- To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put
on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.

While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music
will play for the duration of the call. Regrettably, but again following
your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the
setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New
Year.

Your Humble Client

(Remember: This was written by a 98 year old woman)

JUST GOTTA LOVE SENIORS





Title: Idiots of 2006
Post by: rhychydwr1 on January 18, 2007, 04:01:30 pm
Number One Idiot of  2006

I am a medical student currently doing  a rotation in toxicology at
the poison control center.  Today, this  woman called in very upset because she caught her
little daughter eating  ants.  I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there 
would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed  down and
at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she  gave her daughter
some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants.  I  told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room  right away.

Here's your sign, lady. Wear it  with pride.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Number Two Idiot of  2006
Early this year, some Boeing employees on  the airfield decided to  steal a
life raft from one of the 747s. They  were successful in getting it out of the
plane and home.  Shortly  after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed
a Coast Guard  helicopter coming towards them.  It turned out that the chopper was  homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft  was inflated.  They are no longer
employed at Boeing.

Here's your sign, guys. Don't  get it wet; the paint might run.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Number Three Idiot of  2006
A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of  America, walked into the  Branch and
wrote "this. Put all your muny in  this bag."While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the  teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and  might call the
police before he reached the teller's window. So he  left the Bank of America and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank.  After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to
the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors  that  he wasn't
the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not  accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America  deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo  deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.  Looking somewhat  defeated, the man said, "OK" and left.  He was arrested a few minutes  later, as he was waiting in line  back at Bank of  America.

Don't bother with this guy's  sign. He probably couldn't read it anyway.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Number Four Idiot of  2006
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an  automated speed trap that;
measured his speed using radar and  photographed his car. He later received
in the mail a ticket for $40 and  a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he
sent the police department a  photograph of $40.

Several days later, he received a letter from the  police that
contained another picture, this time of handcuffs.

He  immediately mailed in his $40.


Wise guy........ but  you still get a sign
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Number Five Idiot of  2006
A guy walked into a little corner  store with a shotgun and  demanded all of
the cash from the cash  drawer.
After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a  bottle of Scotch
that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf.
He  told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused
and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21."
The robber said  he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him
because she didn't  believe him.
At this point, the robber took his driver's license out  of his wallet and
gave it to the clerk.
The clerk looked it over and  agreed that the man was in fact over
21 and she put the Scotch in the  bag.
The robber then ran from the store with his loot.
The cashier  promptly called the police and gave the name and
address of the robber  that he got off the license.
They arrested the robb er two hours  later.

This guy definitely needs a  sign.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Idiot Number Six of  2006
A pair of Michigan  robbers entered a record shop nervously waving
revolvers.
The first  one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the
startled first  bandit shot him.

This guy doesn't even  deserve a sign
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Idiot Number Seven of  2006
Arkansas:  Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided
that he'd just  throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some
booze, and  run.
So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the 
window. The cinder block bounced back knocking him unconscious . It  seems the
liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass.
The whole  event was caught on videotape.

Yep, Here's your sign
(Please note that all of the above people are allowed to  vote)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD:
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently  had a new neighbor call
the local township administrative office to  request the removal of the Deer
Crossing sign on our road.
The  reason:
"Too many deer are being hit by cars out here!
I don't  think this is a good place for them to be crossing
anymore."
>From  Kingman ,  KS .
______________________________________________________
IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:
My  daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She
asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was
sorry,  but they only had iceberg.
He was a Chef?
Yep...From  Kansas City  !
______________________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING:
I was at  the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport
employee asked,!
"Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your  knowledge?
To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how  would I
know?"
He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we  ask."
Happened in Birmingham ,  Ala.
_______________________________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING:
The  stoplight on the corner buzzes when its safe to cross the
street I  was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine.
She  asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.
I explained that it signals  blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, "What on  earth are blind people doing
driving?!"
She was a probation officer  in Wichita ,  KS
___________________________________________________
IDIOT  SIGHTING:
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear  coworker. She was
leaving the company due to" downsizing."
Our  manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this
more often."
Not another word was spoken.
We all just looked at each  other with that deer-in-the-headlights
stare.
This was a bunch at  Texas Instruments.
________________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING:
I work with  an individual who plugged her power strip back into
itself and for the  sake of her own life, couldn't understand why her system
would not turn  on.
A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office no  less.
____________________________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING:
When my  husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick
up our car, we  were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the
service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the
drivers  side door.
As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried  the
door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced  to the
technician, "its open!"
His reply, "I know - I already got  that side."
This was at the CHEVY dealership in Canton , Mississippi  !
_______________________________________________________

STAY ALERT!
They walk  among us .. and they REPRODUCE ...!!!

CONFIDENTIALITY NOTICE:  The information in this  e-mail is
privileged, confidential and the property of the sender and is  intended only
for the use of the individual or entity named as  recipients in the message.  If
you are not the intended recipient,  be aware that any unauthorized DISCLOSURE,
COPYING, DISTRIBUTION, OR USE  OF THE CONTENTS of this communication is
strictly prohibited and may  result in legal liability on your part.  If you
have received this communication in error, please notify the sender immediately and
delete  this message from your computer.   Thank you.
Title: Trivial Tidbits
Post by: rhychydwr1 on January 19, 2007, 03:10:02 pm
Trivial Tidbits

In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed
to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have
"the rule of thumb"
-------------------------------------------
Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled
"Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF
entered into the English language.
-------------------------------------------
The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were
Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
-------------------------------------------
Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S.Treasury.
-------------------------------------------
Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
-------------------------------------------
Coca-Cola was originally green.
-------------------------------------------
It is impossible to lick your elbow.
-------------------------------------------
The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska
-------------------------------------------
The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...)
-------------------------------------------
The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The average number of people airborne over the U.S. in any given hour:

61,000
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National  Monuments.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from
history:
Spades - King David
Hearts - Charlemagne
Clubs -Alexander, the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar (yeah ok)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in
the air, the person died in battle.

If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result
of wounds received in battle.

If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of
natural causes.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th,
John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August
2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of their birthplace
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Most boat owners name their boats - the most popular boat
name requested?  Obsession
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go
until you would find the letter "A"?
A. One thousand
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and
laser printers all have in common?
A. All were invented by women.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the
year?
A. Father's Day
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes.

When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed
firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... "goodnight, sleep tight."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a
month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his
son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because
their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month,
which we know today as the honeymoon.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old
England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at
them "Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down."
It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into
the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a
refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is
the phrase inspired by this practice.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Don't delete this just because it looks weird. Believe it or not,
you can read it.


I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was
rdanieg.  The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at
Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and
you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey
lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2006 when...

1.  You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.
2.  You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3.  You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
4.  You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5.  Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6.  You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see
if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7.  Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of
the  screen.
8.  Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even
have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause
for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
10.  You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.
11.  You start tilting your head sideways to smile.  : )
12.  You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13.  Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15.  You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.
AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.


Go on, forward this to your friends. You know you want to!


Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Peter Burgess on January 19, 2007, 03:15:31 pm
Quote
Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go
until you would find the letter "A"?
A. One thousand

One hundred AND one?
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Peter Burgess on January 19, 2007, 03:16:52 pm
The corporation that makes more rubber tyres than any other? LEGO.
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: AndyF on January 19, 2007, 03:32:24 pm
Quote
Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go
until you would find the letter "A"?
A. One thousand

One hundred AND one?

Four and twenty (blackbirds baked in a pie)  :tease:
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Peter Burgess on January 19, 2007, 03:38:04 pm
Quote
Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go
until you would find the letter "A"?
A. One thousand

One hundred AND one?

Four and twenty (blackbirds baked in a pie)  :tease:

You must be really old Andy, to use this form of number in regular speech! The last person I heard doing this was my dad who used to say "Five and Twenty" when telling me the time was twenty-five past something. And I haven't heard him say even this for a very long time now!
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Walrus on January 19, 2007, 04:40:22 pm
A bakers dozen
Title: Re: Trivial Tidbits
Post by: kay on January 19, 2007, 05:38:53 pm

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


1 x 1 = 1
11 x 11 = 121
111 x 111 = 12321
1111 x 1111 = 1234321

..... see a pattern emerging?

Easy to see why when you think of 1111 as (1x1000 + 1x100 + 1x10 + 1)
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Brains on January 19, 2007, 05:51:49 pm
Proper Jam is a preserve and will keep, and so will butter - not just honey...
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: ditzy on January 19, 2007, 06:17:41 pm
a man has attempted to beat the world record of bean eating,he was sent to hospital with suvear abdominal pains,the doctor says theres not much wrong with him he has just got a bad case of wind.
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Dep on January 21, 2007, 02:33:32 am
Quote
Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go
until you would find the letter "A"?
A. One thousand

One hundred AND one?

Four and twenty (blackbirds baked in a pie)  :tease:

You must be really old Andy, to use this form of number in regular speech! The last person I heard doing this was my dad who used to say "Five and Twenty" when telling me the time was twenty-five past something. And I haven't heard him say even this for a very long time now!


I still use that expresion: 5 and twenty past or to the hour.
Althou more often  I use 'digital' parlance hour:twenty=five or hour:thirtyfive
Title: Bono in Concert
Post by: rhychydwr1 on January 23, 2007, 10:40:49 am
Bono is at a U2 concert in Glasgow when he asks the audience for
some quiet.

Then in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands.

Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the
Microphone...

"Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

A voice from near the front pierces the silence...

"Well, stop it then!"
Title: Bald Head Joke
Post by: rhychydwr1 on January 23, 2007, 10:47:20 am

A man with a wooden leg and a bald head was invited to a fancy
dress party.

Wondering what to wear so he could hide his disability and his bald
head, Emailed a fancy dress costume company for some advice.

They sent him a pirates costume and a short note to explain why.
The note said " With your wooden leg it is perfect for the pirate and
the scarf we have enclosed will cover your bald head".


The man was absolutely livid, they have just told me to emphasise
the exact part that I am embarrassed about.  Writing back to the
company, he complained strongly about their attitude.

The company then wrote back with another costume, that of a
monk,explaining that the long habit would hide his wooden leg and
his bald head would be ideal anyway.

Once again the man was not very happy, and complained that they
have removed the embarrassment of his disability but now expect him to
make his bald head more obvious.

The company then wrote back enclosing a tin of treacle and a note
to say " He could pour the treacle over his bald head, stick his wooden
leg up his arse and go as a TOFFEE APPLE"

Title: Male or Female
Post by: rhychydwr1 on January 23, 2007, 10:57:21 am

You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are
actually either male or female.
Here are some examples:

FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but
you can see right through them.

PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off, it takes a
while to warm them up again.  They are an effective reproductive device
if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push
the wrong buttons.

TYRES: Tyres are male, because they go bald easily and are often
over inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go
anywhere, you have to light a fire under their ass

SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and
retain water.

WEB PAGES: Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently
getting hit on.

TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines
for picking up people.

EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the
weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly
changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.


THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would
be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be
lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push,
he just keeps trying.

Title: The wrestling event
Post by: rhychydwr1 on January 23, 2007, 11:03:43 am
The wrestling event

Our story begins at the Olympics, specifically the wrestling event.
It is narrowed down to the Russian or the American for the gold medal.
Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer came to him
and said, "Now don't forget all the research we've done on this
Russian.

He's never lost a match because of this "pretzel" hold he has.
Whatever you do, don't let him get you in this hold! If he does, you're
finished!"

The wrestler nodded in agreement. Now, to the match: The American
and the Russian circled each other several times looking for an
opening. All of a sudden the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and
wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold!

A sigh of disappointment went up from the crowd, and the trainer
buried his face in his hands for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch
the ending.

Suddenly there was a horrible scream, and a resounding cheer from
the crowd. The trainer raised his eye just in time to see the Russian
flying up in the air. The Russian's back hit the mat with a thud, and the
American weakly collapsed on top of him, getting the pin and
winning the match.

The trainer was astounded! When he finally got the American
wrestler alone, he asks, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has
ever done it before!"

The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me
in that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this
pair of balls right in front of my face. I thought I had nothing to lose,
so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit
those babies just as hard as I could. You'd be amazed how strong you get
when you bite your own balls!"


Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: ditzy on January 23, 2007, 02:49:08 pm
whats orange and black and bounces about from one place to anouther?


tigger
Title: THE POLO TEST
Post by: rhychydwr1 on January 26, 2007, 10:44:27 am

A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first
year school children, using a bowl of fruit Polo's.
He gave all the children the same kind of Polo, one at a time, and
asked them to identify them by colour and flavour.
The children began to say:
"Red............cherry,"
"Yellow.........lemon,"
"Green..........lime,"
"Orange........orange."

Finally the professor gave them all honey Polos. After eating them
for a few moments none of the children could identify the taste.

"Well," he said "I'll give you all a clue. It's what your mother
may  sometimes call your father."

One little girl looked up in horror, spat hers out and yelled:

"Oh My God!!!! ...........................They're arse-holes!!"


Title: Please pass this message on to any woman who shops at Sainsburys
Post by: rhychydwr1 on January 26, 2007, 10:52:39 am

http://www.boreme.com/boreme/funny-2007/car-wash-guys-p1.php
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Mrs Trellis on January 26, 2007, 04:23:02 pm
For this particular Friday:-

The Queen is being shown around a Scottish hospital.
At the end of her visit, she is shown into a ward with a number of patients who show no obvious signs of injury. The first man proclaims:

Fair fa' yer honest, sonsie face,
Great chieftain e' the puddin' race!

The Queen is a little taken aback but goes to the next patient, and immediately the patient launches into:

Some hae meat, and canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat and we can eat,
And sae the Lord be thankit.

This continues with the next patient:

Wee sleekit cow'rin tim'rous beastie,
O what a panic's in thy breastie!

"Well," the Queen says to the Doctor, "I see you saved the psychiatric ward for the last."

"Och nay," replied the Scottish doctor, "this is the Burns unit."


Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: ditzy on January 29, 2007, 06:09:38 pm
why did silly billy eat just bread for his tea?
because it said whole-meal on the packet
 :lol:
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Mr Fell on January 29, 2007, 06:23:35 pm
Q. What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball.







A. She choked :yucky:
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: ditzy on January 29, 2007, 06:28:55 pm
i dont get it.

Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Brains on January 29, 2007, 08:50:17 pm
That is because you are too innocent! Try thinking like a filthy minded old caver....
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: ditzy on January 29, 2007, 08:50:57 pm
oh right i get it now  :-[
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Brains on January 29, 2007, 08:52:28 pm
You will soon become corrupt hanging around on the web with this bunch!
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: ditzy on January 29, 2007, 08:54:06 pm
ok im being a bit blonde 2 day lol but what does corrupt mean?
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Brains on January 29, 2007, 08:58:31 pm
well, there are the birds and the bees, and they get together and when they like each other very much they go and look under the rhubarb bush and find little babies there... If you know this to be true, you are innocent, if you think they go there and "make babies" some other way then you are on the way to being corupted by the sins of the flesh.....
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: ditzy on January 29, 2007, 08:59:31 pm
ok thanx brains
maybe if i kept a dictionary by my side i would know what more words mean lol
like my signature says i have a brain span of a p nut lol
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: mak on January 29, 2007, 09:03:37 pm
well, there are the birds and the bees, and they get together and when they like each other very much they go and look under the rhubarb bush and find little babies there... If you know this to be true, you are innocent, if you think they go there and "make babies" some other way then you are on the way to being corupted by the sins of the flesh.....
And there I was thinking it was the stork, next time I see birds and bees heading into my rhubarb patch I'm off to fetch the hose and spray 'em with cold water.
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Brains on January 29, 2007, 09:06:29 pm
But the Stork puts them there to be found surely?
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: ditzy on January 29, 2007, 09:08:31 pm
thats what i thought i thought it was said that a stork was to bring a baby in a blanket and leave them on the doorstep
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Brains on January 29, 2007, 09:14:58 pm
Q. What is brown and green, has six legs and will kill you if it falls on you?







A. A snooker table

=============


Q. How do you make a snooker table laugh?








A. Reach in its pockets and tickle its balls...


I'll just go the pub shall I ?...
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: ditzy on January 29, 2007, 09:16:02 pm
 :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Brains on January 29, 2007, 09:19:51 pm
Did you know that if you put a slice of ham in the DVD it will play a short film about pigs, and a slice of cheese will play one about cows.... Go on, try it! Its all true I tell you
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: ditzy on January 29, 2007, 09:21:05 pm
ok brains i may be a bit blonde but im not going to believe that
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: emgee on January 29, 2007, 09:25:08 pm
thats what i thought i thought it was said that a stork was to bring a baby in a blanket and leave them on the doorstep

You could find out this information is not quite accurate suggest you don't stay overnight at any caving club huts until you've verified it.
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: emgee on January 29, 2007, 09:26:53 pm
Did you know that if you put a slice of ham in the DVD it will play a short film about pigs, and a slice of cheese will play one about cows.... Go on, try it! Its all true I tell you

Wow you're right it really works!
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Brains on January 29, 2007, 09:27:32 pm
Sorry Ditzy - only teasing, and not even original I am afraid - my daughter got me a "Book of lies for Children" for Christmas, by the same guy as did the Bunny Suicide books, I laughed so much I couldnt stand up! It was so bad I spilled my drink...
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: ditzy on January 29, 2007, 09:29:44 pm
lol you almost made me believe that thing bout the dvd lol
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Brains on January 29, 2007, 09:33:45 pm
It was from the same daughter that asked me wasnt it dangerous that they let a blind man take a dog for a walk....
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: ditzy on January 30, 2007, 09:31:10 am
where do you get the book of lies from it sounds really good i cud do with geting 1 and tricking my younger brouther
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Brains on January 30, 2007, 11:19:53 am
It is currently doing the rounds of the club, so I cant give the ISBN. Good large-ish book stores like Waterstones should have it in the humour section. It is smaller than A5, possibly even A6 with an orange cover. The guy (Andy Riley)has previously done a couple of books on Bunny Suicides:
http://www.retrocomputing.net/racconti/umor/coniglio/pandora.beptuui.html
Ah here it is on Amazon...
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Great-Lies-Tell-Small-Kids/dp/0340834056/ref=pd_sim_b_2/202-6825480-5661404
The first link should make you larf like a drain!

Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: ditzy on January 30, 2007, 06:02:02 pm
 :lol:
that links really cool
definatly made my day  :lol:  :thumbsup:
Title: Corporate lessons people!!!
Post by: rhychydwr1 on January 31, 2007, 09:35:24 am


Corporate Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower, when the doorbell rings.  The wife quickly wraps herself in a
towel and runs downstairs.  When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the
next door neighbour.  Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800
to drop that towel," after thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel
and stands naked in front of Bob.  After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800
dollars and leaves.  The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back
upstairs.  When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was
that?"
"It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies.  "Great!" the husband
says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to
credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to
prevent avoidable exposure.

 

Corporate Lesson 2:

A priest offered a lift to a Nun.  She got in and crossed her legs,
forcing her gown to reveal a leg.  The priest nearly had an accident.  After
controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.  The nun
said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"  The priest removed his hand.  But,
changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.  The nun once again said,
"Father, remember Psalm 129?"  The priest apologized "Sorry sister but
the flesh is weak."  Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way.  On
his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.  It said,
"Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might
miss a great opportunity.

 

Corporate Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to
lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.  They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."  "Me first!  Me
first!" says the admin clerk.  "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a
speedboat, without a care in the world."

Poof! She's gone.

"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii,
relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Piña Coladas
and the love of my life."
Poof! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: wormster on January 31, 2007, 11:16:32 am
The SAS, the Parachute Regiment and the Police decide to go on a survival weekend together to see who comes out on top. After some basic exercises the trainer tells them that their next objective is to go down into the woods and catch a rabbit, returning with it ready to skin and cook.

Night falls...

First up - the SAS. They don infrared goggles, drop to the ground and crawl into the woods in formation. Absolute silence for 5 minutes, followed by the unmistakable muffled "phut-phut" of their trademark silenced "double-tap". They emerge with a large rabbit shot cleanly between the eyes.

"Excellent!" remarks the trainer.

Next up - the Para 's. They finish their cans of lager, smear themselves with camouflage cream, fix bayonets and charge down into the woods, screaming at the top of their lungs. For the next hour the woods ring with the sound of rifle and machine-gun fire, hand grenades, mortar bombs and blood curdling war cries. Eventually they emerge, carrying the charred remains of a rabbit.

"A bit messy, but you achieved the aim; well done", says the trainer.

Lastly, in go the Coppers, walking slowly, hands behind backs whistling Dixon of Dock Green. For the next few hours, the silence is only broken by the occasional crackle of a walkie-talkie "Sierra Lima Whisky Tango Fanta One, suspect headed straight for you..." etc. After what seems an eternity, they emerge escorting a squirrel in handcuffs.

"What the hell do you think you are doing?" asks the incredulous trainer, "Take this squirrel back and get me a rabbit like I asked you five hours ago!".

So back they go. Minutes pass. Minutes turn to hours, night drags on and turns to day. The next morning, the trainer and the other teams are awakened by the police, holding the handcuffed squirrel, now covered in bruises, one eye nearly shut.

"Are you taking the p*ss!!??" asks the now seriously irate trainer.

The police team leader nudges the squirrel, who squeaks:

"Alright, alright, I'm a f*ckin' rabbit!"
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: ditzy on January 31, 2007, 08:05:26 pm
Cannibals

Five cannibals get jobs as computer programmers. During his welcome the boss says: "You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the company canteen for something to eat. So don't trouble the other employees."

The cannibals promise not to trouble the other employees.

Four weeks later the boss returns and says: "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. One of our cleaners has disappeared however. Do any of you know what happened to her?"

The cannibals disavow all knowledge of the missing cleaner.

After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others: "Which of you idiots ate the cleaner?"

A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals says: "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Team Leaders, Managers, and Project Managers so no-one would notice anything, and you have to go and eat the cleaner!"
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: andymorgan on February 02, 2007, 07:32:43 pm
What is the difference between oral and anal sex?

Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: wormster on February 02, 2007, 07:34:20 pm
What is the difference between oral and anal sex?

Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

get a butt plug then :lol:
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: ditzy on February 02, 2007, 07:35:32 pm
 :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Mr Fell on February 03, 2007, 08:38:43 am
Tramp goes into a Jewellers and takes off his kegs and shoves his finger up his arse.

Jeweller says `GET OUT YOU FILTHY BEAST'

Tramp points to the sign in the window - `COME IN AND PICK YOUR RING IN COMFORT'   :lol: :lol: :'(
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: ditzy on February 03, 2007, 08:54:25 pm
Best Friend

A guy is sitting at a bar, throwing back glass after glass of scotch.
The bartender, a little worried, asks him if he's okay.
"No, I'm not, " the guy replies.
"I just caught my wife in bed with my best friend."
"Well, " asks the bartender,
"what did you say to your wife ?"
"Nothing. I'm not speaking to that bitch anymore."
"Well, what did you say to your best friend ?"
"BAD DOG! BAD DOG!"
Title: Priceless!
Post by: rhychydwr1 on February 04, 2007, 02:32:48 pm
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party.

Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all.

He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next To them,a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.

He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:

"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make You your favourite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son...what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A .M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door. Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"

His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed,"Leave me alone, I'm married!!"



Broken Coffee Table $239.99

Hot Breakfast $4.20

Two Aspirins $.38

Saying the right thing, at the right time . . PRICELESS!!


Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: graham on February 07, 2007, 01:23:12 pm
Frozen skunk

A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.

It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"

He says, "OK, Get in the car with it."

"Where shall I put it to get it warm?"

He says, "Put it between your legs. It's nice and warm there."

"But what about the smell?"

"Just hold its little nose."




The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with is now in therapy.
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Mark on February 08, 2007, 06:12:01 pm
A man goes into a pet shop and asks to buy a wasp,

The pet shop owner says we dont sell wasps,

The man says well youve got one in the window
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: ditzy on February 08, 2007, 06:42:24 pm
1.whats black and white and goes oww oww oww?

a nun falling down the stares

2.whats black and white and goes hahaha

the nun who pushed her
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Mrs Trellis on February 09, 2007, 08:38:02 am
Australian woman goes in to a police station to make a rape complaint.

"Can you describe the man for instance nationality or occupation?"

"I think he might have been an English cricketer" says the woman

"Why did you think that?"

"He wasn't in for long"

Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: badger on February 12, 2007, 09:58:05 am
The Year's Best (actual) Headlines Of 2006:

Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
[hmm!]

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
[No, really?]

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
[Now that's taking things a bit far!]

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
[Do they ever read what they write?]

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
[What a guy!]

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
[No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-sos!]

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
[See if that works any better than a fair trial!]

War Dims Hope for Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!]

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
[You think?!]

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
[Who would have thought!]

Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police
Suspect Homicide
[They may be on to something!]

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
[You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!]

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
[Weren't they fat enough?!]

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
[That's what he gets for eating those beans!]

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
[Taste like chicken?]

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
[Boy, are they tall!]

And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that sign right?

Title: Monday's joke
Post by: james on February 12, 2007, 06:10:52 pm
What do you call 4 dogs and a black bird?






















The Spice Gills

 :) :) :)
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: ditzy on February 12, 2007, 06:14:46 pm
  :);D :lol:
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: wormster on February 13, 2007, 06:15:01 pm
I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.

There was only one little thing bothering me... It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law to be hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!'

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: ditzy on February 13, 2007, 06:48:54 pm
Q. What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?
A. The longer you play with them, the harder they get.
 
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Walrus on February 14, 2007, 08:53:05 am

Little girl gets lost in Tesco's, security guard asks her 'Whats ur mum like'


Little girl replies 'Big c*cks and Vodka




A couple in a cafe in Llangollen asks 'Can you settle an argument for us and pronounce where we are, VERY SLOWLY?' the waitress leaned over and said..........'Burrrrr? gurrrrrr? king'.



Boss has to lay off Ann or Jack.
Ann walks into office, boss say's 'I have a problem, I have to lay you or Jack off...........
'You better jack off , I've got a headache'.



Two newly weds turn up at a hotel and ask for the honeymoon suite, the receptionist asks 'do you have reservations?'
The bride answers 'Yes, I won't take it up the arse!!!!



A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door
of a sex shop.

Obviously very unstable on her feet, she shakily wobbles the few feet
across the store to the counter. Finally arriving at the counter and
grabbing it for support, she asks the sales clerk,

"Dddooo youuuu hhave dddddiilllldosss?"

The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies, "Yes we
do have dildos. Actually we have many different models."

The old woman then asks, "Dddddoooo yyyouuuu ccaarrryy aaa pppinkk
onnee, tttenn inchessss lllong, aandd aabboutt ttwoo inchesss ththiickk
that Vvviiiibbbrrraaatttteeesss?"

The clerk responds, "Yes, we do."

The poor old lady replies "Ddddooo yyoooouuuu knnnoooww hhowww tttooo
ttturrrnnn ttthe fffffuuccckkkinggg ttthingggg offffff?"
 


An elderly couple had just got married and were on honeymoon. While she slipped into bed in her skimpiest nightdress he went into the bathroom. After he had been in there a while she went looking for him and found him struggling with a condom.
"Why are you bothering with one of those?" she asked. "I'm eighty-two, I can't get pregnant"
"Yes" he said, "but you know how dampness affects my arthritis"



A science teacher stood in front of her class and said: "Children, if you could have one raw material in the world, what would it be?"
Little Johnny raised his hand and said: "I'd have gold because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Porsche"
The teacher nodded and called on Samatha
Samatha said: "I would want Platinum because it's worth more than gold and I'd could have a Ferrari.
The teacher smiled and called on little Jimmy.
Little Jimmyy stood up and said: "I would want Silicone"
"Silicone?" said the teacher. "Why silicone?"
Little Jimmy said: "Because my mum's got two bags of the stuff and you should see all the sports cars outside our house"
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: ditzy on February 14, 2007, 08:31:13 pm
doctor doctor
i only have 59 seconds to live

ok will you just wait a minute
 :)
Title: Men strike back! ! ! ! ! ! !
Post by: rhychydwr1 on February 15, 2007, 09:40:56 am

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will 
probably never be able to support you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand 
closer to the kitchen sink.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required 
pressure.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at
the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog of course.  He'll shut up once you let him in.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex 
drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the 
street with a bald head and a beer
gut, and still think they are sexy.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Send this to a few good men who need a laugh.



Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Mrs Trellis on February 16, 2007, 04:59:30 pm
(http://s2.excoboard.com/forums/6542/user/43990/373772.jpg)
Title: Drug sniffing Dog
Post by: james on February 17, 2007, 09:22:48 am
A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane
when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador
retriever in the seat between them. The first man looks very
quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is allowed on the plane.
The second man explained that he is a DEA (Drug Enforcement Agency) agent and that
the dog is a"sniffing dog". His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll
show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work."

The plane takes off, and once it has levelled out, the agent says:
"Watch this," He tells Sniffer to "search". Sniffer jumps down, walks
along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for
several seconds. Sniffer then returns to its seat and puts one paw on
the agent's arm.

The agent says, "Good boy", and he turns to the man and says: "That
woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat
number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.
"Say, that's pretty neat" replies the first man.

Once again, the agent sends Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs
about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat,
and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's arm. The agent says,
"That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat
number for the police."
"Like it!" says his seat mate.

The agent then told Sniffer to "search" again. Sniffer walked up and
down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then
came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded
to shit all over the place. The first man is really grossed out by this
behaviour and can't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would act
like that, so he asks the agent "What's going on?"

The agent nervously replied, "He just found a bomb!"
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: graham on February 19, 2007, 08:02:43 am
A dwarf with a lisp goes into a stud farm.

"I'd like to buy a horth" he says to the owner of the farm. "What sort of horse?" said the owner. "A female horth" the dwarf replies. So the owner shows him a mare. "Nithe horth." says the dwarf, "Can I thee her eyeth?" So the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses eyes.

"Nithe eyeth.", says the dwarf, "Can I thee her teeth?"

Again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses teeth.

"Nithe teeth.... Can I see her eerth?" the dwarf says.

By now the owner is getting a little fed up but again, picks up the dwarf to show him the horses ears. "Nithe eerth." he says. "Now...can I see her twot?"

With this the owner picks the dwarf up by the scruff of his neck and shoves his head deep inside the horse's vagina. He holds him there for a couple of seconds before pulling him out and putting him down. The dwarf shakes his head and says: "Perhaps I should weefwaze that... Can I see her wun awound?"
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: menacer on February 19, 2007, 04:41:02 pm
INDIAN MATING SEASON....
Two Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods. All of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave. "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo! He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.
The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about. "Was the other Indian crazy or what?" The Indian replied "No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening, If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us."
Just then they came upon another cave. The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"
Immediately, there was the answer. "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" from deep inside He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening. The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, "Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!" He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might... "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"
Like the others, he then heard an answering call, "WOOOOOOOOO,  WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO!"
With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran. The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read...

NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!


Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: tubby two on February 19, 2007, 08:01:27 pm
This isn't a joke, but it is worth it. Somone sent me a nice little chuckle inducing email with pictures (the funny bits). However, i'm not technically adept enough to post them on here. Any ideas how i can get them on? They are currently gifs and jpegs in an email.

Ta.

tt.



p.s. whats the difference between arthus scargill anf michael jackson...... arthur scargill hasn't seen a minors helmet in years.

p.p.s. what happened to jesus when he went to mount olive...... popeye smacked him.

Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: ditzy on February 19, 2007, 08:47:40 pm
i was talking to my dad and he was messing around and said to me that i was going to get birdflu from eating chicken nuggets and i said to him dont be so stupid that isnt even possible because chicken isnt a bird but ofcorse it is lol
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Dep on February 19, 2007, 09:15:52 pm
i was talking to my dad and he was messing around and said to me that i was going to get birdflu from eating chicken nuggets and i said to him dont be so stupid that isnt even possible because chicken isnt a bird but ofcorse it is lol

Yes but chicken nuggets aren't really chicken! (At least not the sort of chicken I eat)

Highly unlikely the bacteria/virus will survive the process used to mechanically recover the meat and sinew scraps from old chicken carcasses. That's why they're made into 'nuggets' - it starts life as a gooey pulp!

Seriously: I would rather take my chances with a turkey from that same farm than eat chicken nuggets.

Have you ever heard of a chap called Jamie Oliver - Google for 'Jamie and Turkey Twizzlers'...
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Anon on February 19, 2007, 09:33:09 pm
Quote
i was talking to my dad and he was messing around and said to me that i was going to get birdflu from eating chicken nuggets
If you like chicken skin/MRM nuggets then this place is ideal: http://infanity.org/nuggets/ (http://infanity.org/nuggets/)  :shrug:

Quote
Have you ever heard of a chap called Jamie Oliver - Google for 'Jamie and Turkey Twizzlers'...
Thats one thing that has puzzled me, why was just one product singled out when there is large amounts of other processed crap being dished up daily to the youth of today?
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Dep on February 19, 2007, 11:46:12 pm
Because it's like a specimen case - one prime example singled out and held up for examination.
But when Jamie Oliver goes on about 'turkey twizzlers' he really means the whole gamut of poor quality MRM based crap foods.
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Greg Jones on February 20, 2007, 09:05:42 am
 >:(I thought this was a jokes thread
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Walrus on February 20, 2007, 09:21:29 am
Its almost like the Story Game - starts off well then deteriorates into the usual drivel!  ::)  hehehe   :lol:
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: graham on February 23, 2007, 04:09:47 pm
An Irishman, an Aussie and a Scouser are sat in the pub when a guy who looks just like Jesus walks in. So they each buy him a pint, a Guiness, and lager and a bitter. Greatful for their kindness Jesus goes over and shakes hands with the irishman, "Bless you" and the irishman's bad back is cured "Thank you father!".

He shales hands with the Aussie, "Bless you" and the Aussie's arthiritis is cured "Thank you father!"

He walks towards the Scouser, the Scouser looks amazed at the healings he's just witnessed, he looks at Jesus "Don't you f**king touch me you c**t!"
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: ditzy on February 23, 2007, 06:15:05 pm
 :)
Q. What does a female snail say during sex?
A. Faster, faster, faster!
Title: Parking tickets
Post by: rhychydwr1 on February 24, 2007, 12:39:11 pm
Subject: Parking Tickets
 
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make
their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day I went
downtown and went into a shop. I was only in there for about 5 minutes
and when I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I
went up to him and said, Come on, man, how about giving a retired
person a break"? He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I
called him a "Nazi." He glared at me and started writing another
ticket for having worn tires.
So I called him a "doughnut eating Gestapo." He finished the second
ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started
writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I
abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Personally, I didn't care. I
came downtown on the bus and the car that he was putting the tickets
on had a bumper sticker that said "Hilary in '08". I try to have a
little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important to my health.
 

Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Mr Fell on February 24, 2007, 05:10:19 pm
This chap with 60% burns is lying in his hospital bed. The Dr comes along and tells the nurse "Give this man two Viagra". Nurse says "Do you think that will really help"? Dr replies " No - but it will keep the sheets off his legs"     ;D :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: ditzy on February 26, 2007, 08:55:11 pm
why did the mexican man push his wife of a cliff?
toqkiellr
Title: The Cork
Post by: james on February 28, 2007, 11:22:02 am


Two Arab terrorists are in a locker room
taking a shower after their
bomb making class, when one notices the
other has a huge cork stuck in  his butt.

"If you do not mind me saying," said the
second, "that cork looks
very uncomfortable. Why do you not take
it out?"

"I regret I cannot", lamented the first
Arab. "It is permanently stuck
in my butt."

"I do not understand," said the other.

The first Arab says, "I was walking
along the beach and I tripped
over an oil lamp. There was a puff of
smoke, and then a huge old man in an
American flag attire with a
white beard and top hat came boiling out.
He said, "I am Uncle Sam, the Genie.
I can grant you one wish."

I said, "No shit?"



God Bless America








Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: ditzy on February 28, 2007, 11:41:14 am
 :bounce: :lol:
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: ditzy on February 28, 2007, 03:19:45 pm
why did the banana go to the doctors?

because it wasnt peeling very well
Title: STOP THIS NOW!!! - This is soooo my life.....
Post by: rhychydwr1 on March 01, 2007, 11:15:58 am
This certainly affects me


THIS KIND OF STUFF HAS GOT TO STOP IN OUR COUNTRY!

We Must Stop This Immediately!

Have you noticed that stairs are getting
steeper.  Groceries are heavier.  And, everything
is farther away.  Yesterday I walked to
the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover
how long our street has become!  This
extension work was apparently done at night!!

            Very sneaky stuff.

And, you know, people are less
considerate now, especially the youngsters. 
They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask
them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly
mouthing the same silent message until they're red in the face!

What do they think I am, a lip reader?

I also think they are much younger than
I was at the same age.

On the other hand, people my own age are
so much older than I am.  I ran into an old friend the other day,
and he has aged so much that he didn't even recognize me.

I got to thinking about the poor guy
while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I
glanced at my own reflection ... Well, REALLY NOW- even mirrors
are not made the way they used to be!

Another thing, everyone drives so fast
these days!  You're risking life and limb
if you happen to pull onto the motorway
in front of them.  All I can say is, their brakes must wear out
awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.

Clothing manufacturers are less
civilised these days.  Why else would they suddenly
start labeling a size 32 pair of pants a
42, or medium shirt as 'extra large?  Do they think
no one notices that these things no
longer fit around the waist, hips, thighs, and neck?

The people who make bathroom scales are
pulling the same prank, but in reverse.

Do they think I actually "believe" the
number I see on that dial?  Heck, I would never
let myself weigh that much! Just who do
these people think they're fooling?

I'd like to call up someone in authority
to report what's going on --
but the telephone company is in on the
conspiracy too: they've printed the
phone books in such small type that no
one could ever find a number in there!

All I can do is pass along this warning:
We are under attack!  Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon
everyone will have to suffer these awful indignities.

PLEASE PASS THIS ON TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW
AS SOON AS POSSIBLE SO WE CAN GET THIS CONSPIRACY STOPPED!

PS: I am sending this to you in a larger
font size, because something has caused
my computer's regular fonts to be
smaller than they once were.

(They must be sneaking to my house and
messing around with my computer.

Probably CIA!!!)  Pretty scary stuff,
huh?
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Mr Fell on March 02, 2007, 06:30:40 am
A dirty mind



A 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

 No one answered until little Molly stood up angrily, and said, "You  should
 not be asking 6th graders a question like that!  I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, and you'll get  fired!"

 She sat back down.

 Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again.  "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

 Little Molly's mouth fell open, and she said to those around her,  "Boy, is she gonna get in big trouble!"

 The teacher continued to ignore Molly and asked the class, "Anybody?"

 Finally, Jimmy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body  part that increases to 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of  the eye."

 Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Jimmy."

 Then she turned to Molly and continued, "As for you, young lady, I  have three things to say:

 First, you have a dirty mind.  Second, you didn't read your homework.  And
 third, one day you are going to be VERY, VERY disappointed!"




 :lol:
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: ditzy on March 03, 2007, 05:37:56 am
Q. How do you give a blind queer a thrill?
A. Leave the plunger in the toilet.
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: whitelackington on March 05, 2007, 06:24:30 pm
What does George Michael and wellington boots have in common?

They both get sucked off in bogs
:thumbsup:
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: andymorgan on March 05, 2007, 07:47:57 pm
What does toilet paper and Star Trek have in common?

They both circle Uranus looking for black holes, and seek to wipe out the Klingons!
Title: Think before you speak...
Post by: rhychydwr1 on March 06, 2007, 12:29:49 pm
 

 

As it's Friday


Think before you  speak...

Here are six reasons why you should think before you  speak -
the  last one is great!
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could
immediately  take the words back...
Here are the Testimonials of a few people who  did....

FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my  husband and
three kids in tow and asked loudly,
"How much do  you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"
I turned around and walked back out  and never went back.
My husband didn't say a word...
he knew better.

SECOND  TESTIMONY:

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf  balls.
I was  unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes,
I was  approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen
who works at the store. He asked if  he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said ,
"I think I  like playing with men's balls."

THIRD  TESTIMONY:

My sister and I were at the mall and
passed by a  store that sold a
variety of candy and nuts.
As we were looking at the display  case,
the boy  behind the counter asked if we needed any help
I replied, "No, I'm just looking at  your nuts."
My sister started to laugh hysterically.
The boy  grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away
To this day, my sister has never let  me forget.

FOURTH TESTIMONY :

While in line at the bank one afternoon,
my toddler  decided to release
some pent-up energy and ran amok.
I was finally able to grab hold of
her after  receiving looks of disgust
and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start  behaving
"right now" she would be punished.
To my horror,  she looked me in the eye and
said in a voice just as threatening,
"If you don't  let me go right now,
I will tell Grandma that I saw you
kissing  Daddy's pee-pee last night!"
The silence was deafening after this enlightening  exchange.
Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.
I mustered up  the last of my dignity and
walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
The last  thing I heard as
the door closed behind me,
were screams of  laughter.

FIFTH TESTIMONY:

Have you ever asked your child a  question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty  training
and  I was on him constantly
One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch
in between  errands.
It  was very busy, with a full dining room.
While enjoying my taco, I smelled  something funny,
so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter,
and she was  clean.
Then I  realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while.
I asked him  if he needed to go, and he said "No".
I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child  has had an accident,
and I don't have any clean clothes with me."
Then I said,  "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?"
"No," he replied.
I just KNEW that he must  have had an accident,
because the smell was getting worse.
So, I asked  one more time,
"Danny, did you have an accident?"
This time he  jumped up, yanked down his pants,
bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled
"SEE MOM,  IT'S JUST FARTS!!"
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos  laughing,
he  calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An older couple made me feel better,
thanking me  for the best laugh they'd ever had!

LAST BUT NOT LEAST  TESTIMONY:
This one had most of the state of Michigan  laughing for 2 days
and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will,
in the  future, likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow,  but don't get any?
We had a female news anchor who,
the day after it was supposed to have  snowed and didn't,
turned to the weatherman and asked:
"So Bob,  where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"
Not only did HE have to leave the  set,
but half  the crew did too, they were laughing so hard!

Now, didn't that feel  good?
Pass it  on to someone you know who needs a laugh,
and remember...
we all say things we don't  really mean,
so think before you speak.
Title: Crab Announcement
Post by: rhychydwr1 on March 14, 2007, 09:15:03 am
Crab Announcement

A man boarded an airplane in Sydney , Australia , with a box of
crabs.

A female crew member took it and promised to put it in the
crew's refrigerator, which she did.

Shortly before landing, she couldn't remember who gave her the
package, so she announced to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who
gave me the crabs in Sydney please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up. So she took them home and ate them
herself!
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: wormster on March 14, 2007, 05:48:47 pm
Three strangers strike up a conversation in the airport passenger lounge in Midland, Texas, while awaiting their flights.

One is an American Indian passing through from Lame Deer.
Another is a Cowboy on his way to Houston for a livestock show.
The third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived at Texas State University from the Middle East.

Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull.

The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face.

The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around, and the old windsock is flapping; but still no plane comes.

Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly speaks, "At one time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few."

The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward, "Once my people were few," he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?"

The West Texas cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a drawl, "That's cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: graham on March 15, 2007, 07:52:45 am
An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his help in reviving her husband's libido.

"What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor .

"Not a chance," she said . "He won't even take an aspirin."

"Not a problem," replied the doctor. "Give him an 'Irish Viagra'. It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went."

It wasn't a week later that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to progress.

The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!"

"Really? What happened?" asked the doctor

"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate . He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, took me passionately on the tabletop! t'was a nightmare, I tell ya, an absolute nightmare!"

"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?"

"Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!"
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Mrs Trellis on March 16, 2007, 10:48:11 am
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman go into a pub. They all suffer from a severe stutter.

"What's it to be?" asks the stunningly beautiful landlady.

"Th th th th th th three pi pi pi pi pi.................." says the Englishman.

Up steps the Irishman. "Threeee p pints of of of of gui gui gui gui................."

Then the Scotsman tries."Th th th thth th th th th th th th th th.................."

"Oh feck this!" says the beautiful landlady and walks away to serve someone else.
She returns ten minutes later and asks if they are ready to order yet.

"Th th th th th th three pi pi pi pi pi", stutters the Englishman.
"Three pints of gui gui gui gui........." tries Paddy.
And then Scotty starts "Th th th th th th th th th th th th th th ththth...........".

"Look" says the beautiful landlady, who loves a bet, "If any one of you can answer a question without stuttering I'll let you take me to bed!"

Quite confident that no one will win, she turns to the Englishman.

"Where do you live?" "M M M M M M M Man Man Man Man Manch Manch Manch."

"No. You lose." says the beautiful landlady. Turning to the Scotsman, she asks, "Where do you live Scotty?", trying not to laugh.

"E E E E EEd Ed Ed Edin Edin Edin Edin Edin Edin Edinb."

"Sorry, you lose." says the gorgeous woman.

"And Paddy, where do you live?" she purrs at the Irishman.

"London" blurts out the Irishman.

"Oh bollox !" says the landlady as a great cheer goes up in the pub and so she reluctantly takes him by the hand and leads him upstairs.

Once in the bedroom she strips to her underwear, next she takes off her bra exposing a voluptous bosom. Finally she slides off her panties then climbs into bed.

Paddy with concentration climbs aboard and goes for glory, and then - right at the vinegar stroke, he suddenly screams out .........






































Wait for it
































" ............... DDDDDDDDDDD D D D D Derry!!"
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Mr Fell on March 18, 2007, 04:45:20 pm
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet,and have dinner
with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her
boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the
first time .

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to
the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first
time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.  He tells the boy
everything there is to know about condoms and sex. 

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to
buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.
The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy,
it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his
girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come
on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's
parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and
whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a
pharmacist."



 :lol: :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Mrs Trellis on March 20, 2007, 09:00:08 am
A caver returned home after a weekend away caving and found his wife waiting in sexy see-through underwear and holding a pair of handcuffs:-

"I'm thrilled you're back" she purred sexily "tie me up and do what you like"

So he handcuffed her to the bedhead .....................


and ................................................................



........................................................................ pissed off to the pub
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: AndyF on March 20, 2007, 10:02:24 am
Q: how do you get a fat girl into bed?

A: Piece of cake
Title: The sex therapist
Post by: rhychydwr1 on March 20, 2007, 02:13:00 pm
An elderly couple go to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?"
The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finish, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse. He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them £50 and he says goodbye.

The next week, however, the couple return and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.
This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?"

The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house.

The Holiday Inn charges £98. The Hilton charges £139. We do it here for £50, and I get £43 back from BUPA ! !
Title: The Hypnotist
Post by: rhychydwr1 on March 20, 2007, 02:16:57 pm
It was entertainment night at the Old Folks home, and the Amazing Claude
was topping the bill.

Old people were wheelchaired in from miles around to see the famed
Hypnotist do his stuff.

As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, "Unlike
most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a
trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful
antique pocket watch from his coat.

"I want you each to keep your eye on this Antique Watch.
It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly
chanting,

"Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."

The crowd was mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light
gleaming off its polished surface.

Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch until suddenly, it
slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred
pieces.........................
>

Read on:

>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>"S.H.I.T!" said the hypnotist...



Title: The Drunk
Post by: rhychydwr1 on March 20, 2007, 02:18:46 pm
A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband's key in the
door. "Stay where you are," she said. "He's so drunk he won't even
notice you're in bed with me."
Sure enough, the husband lurched into bed none the wiser, but a few
minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at
the end of the bed. He turned to his wife: "Hey, there are six feet in
this bed. There should only be four. What's going on?"
"Nonsense," said the wife. "You're so drunk you miscounted. Get out of
bed and try again. You can see better from over there."
The husband climbed out of bed and counted.

"One, two, three, four. You're right, you know."
Title: At the Doctors
Post by: rhychydwr1 on March 20, 2007, 02:20:41 pm
An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical, his wife tagging
along. When the doctor enters the examination room, he tells the old
man, "I need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample."
The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells: "WHAT?"
"What did he say? What's he want?"
His wife yells back, "He needs your underwear
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Mrs Trellis on March 21, 2007, 09:00:02 am
Paddy to Mick - "D'ye think there's enough explosive in dis letter bomb?"

Mick - "Open it up and have a wee peek inside"

Paddy - "Jaysus - will ye stop being daft? It'll go off"

Mick - "Don't be soft - it's not addressed to you".
Title: Its a cracker
Post by: rhychydwr1 on March 22, 2007, 09:13:01 am

Paddy's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a
deep coma. After being in the coma for nearly six months, she wakes up and
sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about
her baby.

The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins; a boy and a girl! The babies
are fine now, but they were poorly at birth and had to be christened
immediately. Your brother came in and named them.."

The woman thinks to herself, "Oh suffering Jesus no, not mi' brother!
He's a f*cking clueless git!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor,
"Well, what's my daughter's name?"

"Denise," says the doctor.


The new mother is totally relieved. "Wow, that's a beautiful name, I
guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise." Then she asks, "What's
the boy's name?"


"Denephew."



Its the way I tell 'um


Title: Do'nt tease old ladies
Post by: rhychydwr1 on March 22, 2007, 09:43:04 am

Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age?
 
Little Old Lady:
I am 86 years old.
 
Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
 
Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening,
when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
 
Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?
 
Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.
 
Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?
 
Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.
 
Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?
 
Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.
 
Defense Attorney:
Why not?
 
Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.
 
Defense Attorney:
What happened next?
 
Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my breasts.
 
Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?
 
Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.
 
Defense Attorney:
Why not?
 
Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
 
Defense Attorney:
What happened next?
 
Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him
"Take me, young man. Take me now!"
 
Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?
 
Little Old Lady:
Hell, no!   He just yelled, "April Fool!"   And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.
 

Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Mrs Trellis on March 23, 2007, 09:39:50 am
Understanding Engineers - Take One

Two engineering students were riding across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The second engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

Understanding Engineers - Take Two
To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Understanding Engineers - Take Three
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"

The priest said, "Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."

He said, "Hello, George! Whats wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group fell silent for a moment.

The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"


Understanding Engineers - Take Four
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets.

Understanding Engineers - Take Five
The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Six
Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

Understanding Engineers - Take Seven
An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a Princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."

Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: darkplaces on March 23, 2007, 01:12:36 pm
 :clap2: So true..... I'd like a talking frog, a SWMBO would stop me going underground!
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Walrus on March 23, 2007, 02:06:55 pm
A chemist, a physicist and an engineer are all given two large ball bearings each and locked in separate rooms for a day.

The chemist comes out and reports some interesting properties of the metals the ball bearings are made of.

The physicist comes out with some new theories on dynamics and friction between the ball bearings,

The engineer has lost one and broken the other.

 
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Sid Weighells Dog on March 23, 2007, 05:51:23 pm
An engineer, a chemist and an IT tech are travelling down the M4 when the car breaks down. The engineer says 'Clearly, this is a mechanical problem, we need to strip the engine down, locate the fault and rebuild it'. The chemist disagrees, saying 'Clearly, this is a chemical combustion problem, we need to adjust the fuel-air ratio'. The IT tech suggests that they all get out of the car and then get in it again.
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: AndyF on March 23, 2007, 08:26:35 pm
How many software designers does it take to change a lightbulb.?

No way man, thats a hardware problem.....
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: wormster on March 23, 2007, 09:34:11 pm
whadya call a balenced diet??

pint o buttcome in one hand and one o Roger's cheese rolls in t'other :thumbsup:
Title: More jokes
Post by: rhychydwr1 on March 27, 2007, 03:54:12 pm
More jokes

David Beckham runs in early from training one afternoon and dashes to the bedroom to find Posh spread out on the bed naked, puffing and panting.

Becks asks her suspiciously "What are you doing?"

Posh stutters a reply "I'm - er, er.... I'm having a heart attack"

"Oh no" he cries in despair. "I'll call an ambulance".

He runs downstairs, picks up the phone and begins dialing 999.

However, he is stopped in his tracks by a tearful Brooklyn.

"What's the matter, son?" asks Becks.

"Uncle Giggsy is in the wardrobe with no clothes on, daddy" sniffles Brooklyn.

Infuriated by this, Beckham runs upstairs and kicks down the wardrobe door.  Sure enough, the carpet-chested Welshman is stood there, starkers

"You w@nker Giggsy" screams Becks. "My wife is right over there having a heart attack, and you're running around naked scaring the sh!t out of Brooklyn."

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls in the police to tell them what  has happened.

First body: "Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, inspector", says the Coroner.

Second body: "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent  it all on whisky.  Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."

The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"

"Ah," says the coroner, "This is the most unusual one: Big Seamus Quinn  from Donegal, 30, struck by lightning."

"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.

"Thought he was having his photo taken."

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

A blonde girl enters a store that sells curtains.

She tells the salesman: "I would like to buy a pink curtain in the size of my computer screen".

The surprised salesman replies: - "But madam, computers do not have curtains...".

And the blonde said: - "Helloooo.... I've got Windows!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

An Essex girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on the counter. "I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress. she says.

"Come again?" says the clerk, cupping his ear.

"No" she replies "This time it's mayonnaise."

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Essex Girl enters a sex shop & asks for a vibrator. 

The man says "Choose from our range on the wall."

She says "I'll take the red one."

The man replies "That's a fire extinguisher."







Title: Golfing joke
Post by: rhychydwr1 on March 28, 2007, 02:26:37 pm
Hope you like this one ! !     

A man staggered into  a hospital, with concussion, bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.   The doctor asked him what happened?

Well, I was having a round of golf with my wife, when, at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture, he said.  We went to find them and while I was looking around, I noticed one cow had something white at its rear end.

I walked over, lifted up its tail, and sure enough ,there was a golf ball, with my wifes monogram on it.  Still holding up the tail, I yelled to my wife"Hey, this looks like yours ! "

I don`t remember much after that .!
 

Title: Apple
Post by: Stupot on March 28, 2007, 06:11:28 pm
Apple Computers announced today that it has developed a computer
chip that can store and play music in women's breast implants.


The iBreast will cost $499 with 4 GB of memory or $599 with 8 GB.


This is a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men
staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
Title: Re: Apple
Post by: wormster on March 28, 2007, 09:11:40 pm
Apple Computers announced today that it has developed a computer
chip that can store and play music in women's breast implants.


The iBreast will cost $499 with 4 GB of memory or $599 with 8 GB.


This is a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men
staring at their breasts and not listening to them.


hahahahahahahahah rolfl
Title: Golf, again
Post by: rhychydwr1 on April 10, 2007, 06:50:11 pm


A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The
first of the twosome teed-off and watched in horror as the ball headed
directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the
ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at
his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.
"Please allow me to help, I'm a physiotherapist and I know I could
relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!", she told him earnestly.
"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright. I'll be fine in a few minutes", he
replied as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands
together at his crotch.
The woman takes it upon herself to begin to "ease his pain". She began
to massage his groin.
After a few moments she asked, "Does that feel better?"
The man looked up at her and replied, "Yes, that feels pretty good...
but my thumb still hurts like hell
Title: Irish Golf Joke ( Another 1)
Post by: rhychydwr1 on April 11, 2007, 07:12:46 am
Irish Golf Joke (  Another 1)

An American golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods.
Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a
big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.
Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it
over the little guy, reviving him.
"Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked.
"I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball," the golfer says.
"Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so
whaddya want?"
"Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answers in relief. "I don't
want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize." And the golfer
walks off.
"What a nice guy," the Leprechaun says to himself.
I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would
want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic
sex life."
A year goes by (as it does in stories like this) and the American golfer
is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and
the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.
"Twas me that made ye hit the ball here," the little guy says. "I just
want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?"
"My game is fantastic!" the golfer answers. I'm an internationally
famous golfer now." He adds, "By the way, it's good to see you're all
right."
"Oh, I'm fine now, thankye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And
tell me, how's yer money situation?"
"Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer states "When I need cash, I just
reach in my pocket and pull out $10000 bills I didn't even know were
there!"
"I did that fer ye also." And tell me, how's yer sex life?"
The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says
shyly, "It's OK."
"C'mon, c'mon now," urged the Leprechaun , "I'm wanting to know if I did
a good job. How many times a week?"
Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, "Once,
sometimes twice a week."
"What??" responds the Leprechaun in shock. "That's all? Only once or
twice a week?"
"Well," says the golfer, "I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest
in a small parish."

Title: The Gorgeous Woman Golfer
Post by: rhychydwr1 on April 11, 2007, 07:16:35 am
There once was a lawyer who was so fanatical about his golf game that he
used to play every day without fail. One morning he had played the
first hole and was just about to tee off on the second, when he saw the
most gorgeous woman he had ever seen putting on the first. The lawyer
waited until the woman had reached the second tee and asked if she would
like to join him and they could finish the round together. To his
surprise the woman agreed and they played the remaining holes. Not only
was this woman beautiful, she was also a good golfer. When they
completed their round, the lawyer told the woman that, not only was he a
lawyer, but he was also a cordon bleu chef and wine buff.  He invited
her back to his place for a meal and a few drinks. The woman  accepted
enthusiastically and off they went. Back at the house the  lawyer cooked
a magnificent meal. In fact it was more than just cooking it  was a
performance to behold.



They enjoyed good food, good wine and good conversation. After the meal,
the woman repaid the lawyer with the best oral sex he had ever
experienced. The lawyer was so taken by the beauty and skill of this
woman and desired her no end. He then asked if she would like to  play
golf the following morning, to which she agreed.



Once again they  enjoyed a great game of golf, a magnificent evening
meal and once more  the woman performed sensational oral sex on the
lawyer. This went on for three weeks when the lawyer finally said to the
woman, "Listen, the golf and the company have been fantastic! But, there
are only so many performances a man can take. When are we going to have
sexual intercourse?" "We can't," said the woman. "Why not?" came the
reply. "Because I'm a transvestite" replied the woman. "YOU BITCH!"
screamed the lawyer, "...I CAN'T BELIEVE that you've been playing off
the LADIES TEE FOR THE LAST THREE WEEKS


Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: graham on April 11, 2007, 01:18:45 pm
little boy blows up a balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something,
but the boy continues.

"Johnny!" Mom screams. "Knock it off." You're going to break something. He stops and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to the shopping center.

Johnny starts up with the balloon again after his mom has left for the store. He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet where he leaves it.

Mom comes in and while putting away the grocery gets the urge. A diarrhea run. She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes.

When she's finished, she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing. She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet! She calls her doctor.
The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything.

When he arrives she leads him to the bath room and he gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing. Finally, he takes out his pen and
sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP! The balloon explodes and poop is everywhere. On him, the walls, etc

"Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?" she asks.

He says, "I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time I've ever actually seen a fart !"
Title: Girls night out
Post by: rhychydwr1 on April 12, 2007, 10:13:12 am
A story indicating why women should avoid "girls' night out" after they
are married:

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told
my husband that I would be home by midnight: "I promise!"

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around
3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and
cuckooed 3 times.  Quickly realizing my husband would probably wake up,

I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up
with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible
conflict with him.  (Even when totally smashed...3 cuckoos plus 9
cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos, MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him

"Midnight." He didn't seem pissed off at all. Whew! Got away with that
one!

Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."

When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed
three times, then said, "Oh. nuts!" cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its
throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then
tripped over the coffee table and farted."

Title: Its the Irish again
Post by: rhychydwr1 on April 12, 2007, 10:15:39 am
Paddy buys a bath and takes it back next day complaining water keeps
running out.
The manager says "did you buy a plug".
Paddy says "You b-----d you never said it was electric !
Title: 4 for the price of 1
Post by: rhychydwr1 on April 12, 2007, 10:18:58 am
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman. "The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"  The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped." The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again.  For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put £50 in the poor box." The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.  He paused for a moment and then started to leave.  The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!" The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the £50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"





There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession.  Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."  The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."  The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."  The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice."  The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?" The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."





Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.  One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead.  Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?" Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church.  But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe.  Maybe they'll do something for the creature." Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father.  Do ya 'think £5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"  Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus!  Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?





An elderly man walks into a confessional.  The following conversation ensues: Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grand children, and great grandchildren.  Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking.  We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."
Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man: "What sins?"
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Man: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
Man: "I'm 92 years old ...  I'm telling everybody

Title: Funny Mastercard Wedding
Post by: rhychydwr1 on April 12, 2007, 12:33:25 pm

You gotta love this guy.....
This is a true story about a recent wedding that
took place at Clemson University. It was in the
local newspaper and even Jay Leno mentioned it.
It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After
the wedding at the reception, the groom got up on
stage with a microphone to talk to the
crowd.
 
He said he wanted to thank everyone for
coming, many from long distances, to support them at
their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the
bride's his family and to thank his new
father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception. As
a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to
give everyone a special gift just from him. So
taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including
the wedding party, was a manila envelope. He
said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them
to open their envelope.
 
Inside each manila envelope was an 8 x 10
glossy of his bride having sex with the best man.
The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks
earlier and had hired a private detective to tail them.
After just standing there, just watching
the guests' reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best
man and said, "F--- you!".
Then he turned to his bride and said, "F--- you!".Then he
turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm out
of here."
 
He had the marriage annulled first thing
in the morning. While most people would have
canceled the wedding immediately after finding out
about the affair, this guy goes through with the
charade, as if nothing were wrong.
 
His revenge ... making the bride's parents
pay over $32,000 for a 300 guests wedding and
reception, and best of all, trashing the bride's and best
man's reputations in front of 300 friends and
family members.
 
This guy has balls the size of church bells.
 
Do you think we might get a MasterCard
"priceless" commercial out of this?
 
Elegant wedding and reception for 300
family members and friends.........................$32,000.
 
Wedding photographs commemorating the
occasion.........................$3,000.
 
Deluxe two week honeymoon accommodations in
Maui.........................................$8,500.
 
The look on everyone's face when they see
the 8x10 glossy of the bride humping the best
man.......... Priceless.
 
There are some things money can't buy, for
everything else there's MASTERCARD.




Title: The perfect evening
Post by: rhychydwr1 on April 17, 2007, 02:14:38 pm

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. "Oh my, I am so sorry", the woman says  as she pops her eye back in place.
"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.
They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy's amazed!! Everything had been SO incredible!!!! "You know, "he said, "You are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?   "No," she replies. . . . . . "
       



Wait for it. ..............................






It's coming. ...............The suspense is killing you, isn't it?








She says:......................."You just happened to catch my eye"




Title: I bet you laughed
Post by: james on April 18, 2007, 09:55:43 am
Body: go to www.google.com
<http://www.google.com/>



--Click on Maps.



--Click on "Get Directions".



--From New York, New York.



--To Paris, France.



--Read line # 23.






Title: Boom! Boom!
Post by: rhychydwr1 on April 18, 2007, 12:19:58 pm
A  man enters a confessional and  says to the  Irish Priest,

"Father, it has been one month  since my last confession.  I've had sex with Fannie Green every week for the last  month."

The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out  and say three 'Hail
Mary's'."

Soon, another man enters the  confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have  had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two  months."

This time the priest asks, "Who is this Fannie Green?"  "A new woman in the neighbourhood," the sinner replies.

"Very  well," says the priest. "Go and say ten 'Hail Mary's"

The next  morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon
when a  gorgeous, tall woman entersthe church.

All the men's eyes fall  upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the Altar.  Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green  shoes.

The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs  slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style.

The priest turns to  the altar boy and whisperingly asks, Is that Fannie
Green?"

The  altar boy replies, ...



"No Father, I think it's just the  reflection off her  shoes".

Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Mrs Trellis on April 20, 2007, 11:12:33 am
A cowboy rides into town and walks into the saloon but it's empty.

"Where is everyone ?" he asks the bartender.
"All down at the hangin' " he replies.
"Who're they hangin' ?" he asks.....
"Brown paper bag man" replies the bartender.

The cowboy walks down the street and there on the gallows is a guy with a brow paper bag over his head, brown paper bag for a shirt, and brown paper bag chaps.

"What's his crime?" he asks the guy next to him,...........

"Rustlin' "
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Mrs Trellis on April 20, 2007, 11:37:16 am
A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth,

"Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks,

"Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice,

























"I don't think my python weally gives a thit."
Title: Re: I bet you laughed
Post by: Dep on April 20, 2007, 03:16:48 pm
Body: go to www.google.com
<http://www.google.com/>
--Click on Maps.
--Click on "Get Directions".
--From New York, New York.
--To Paris, France.
--Read line # 23.

haha - that's great. It'll be a little while before the computers take over the World then...
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: graham on April 20, 2007, 03:57:37 pm
A delightful sweet little girl is walking her dog in the park and sits down on a bench next to an old lady.

"Hello" says the lady, "What's your name"

"Petal" says the girl

"That's a lovely name, why did they call you that?"

"Becauthe when I wath in my mummy's tummy, a petal from a flower landed on her in the garden."

"That's a lovely story. What's your dog's name?"

"Porky."

"How sweet, is that because he's so fat."

"No, ith's becauthe he fuckth pigs."
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: wormster on April 20, 2007, 06:29:38 pm
OK, so have you ever wondered why so few British cavers survey in Mammoth Cave each year. Well, I have the answer. Try this...


    * Go to maps.google.com
    * Click on directions
    * Enter "London" in the first box
    * Enter Mammoth Cave in the second box
    * Click "Get Directions"
    * Read Step 37



Guess that answers the question, doesn't it?

Edit: Don't read the replies until you try the above - there is a spoiler in the replies. :tease:
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: anfieldman on April 20, 2007, 09:49:00 pm

Edit: Don't read the replies until you try the above - there is a spoiler in the replies. :tease:

I won't spoil it for you Wormster but that is fantastic. What planet do Google live on?
 :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: On being late!
Post by: rhychydwr1 on April 21, 2007, 11:57:35 am

Tom was in his early 50's, retired and started a second career.

However, he just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day, 5, 10,
15
minutes late. But he was a good worker, real sharp, so the Boss was in a
quandary about how to deal with it. Finally, one day he called him into
the office for a talk.

"Tom, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job,
but
you're being late so often is quite bothersome.'

"Yes, I know Boss, and I am working on it."

"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear. It's odd
though, you're coming in late. I know you're retired from the Army.
What did they say if you came in late there?"

They said, "Good morning, General."


Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Dep on April 21, 2007, 02:08:06 pm
...
What planet do Google live on?
...

The one with 3410 miles of ocean between America and Europe!
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: anfieldman on April 21, 2007, 05:46:42 pm
The Lone Ranger and Tonto are riding through the plains when Tonto stops all of a sudden. He gets off his horse and onto his hands and knees on the ground. He sticks his ear to the ground. The Lone Ranger is puzzled. 'Whats up Tonto?' he says. Tonto says 'Buffalo come Kimosabe'. 'Really' says the masked one. 'How can you tell?'.................................................. 'Ear stuck to ground' says Tonto.
 
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: anfieldman on April 22, 2007, 07:56:53 pm
One day a young Indian brave was sitting contemplating the wide variety of names in his tribe. He wondered how everyone had been given names that were so different. He asked his father who told him to go and speak to the chief as it was him who named every person born in the tribe since he became chief.
The young brave went to the chiefs' teepee and the chief asked him in.'Chief' he said. 'How do you name all the new children in the tribe?'
'Well' said the chief.'When I hear the newborn baby cry I look out of my teepee and name the child after first thing that I see. For example, Hopping Crow is called that because when he was born I looked out of my teepee and the first thing I saw was a crow hopping around feeding. And when Running Deer cried out the first thing I saw when I looked outside was a deer running out of the forest.
Anyway, why are you so curious about this Two Dogs F*king?'

Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: ditzy on April 23, 2007, 11:23:03 am
read left to right all the way down


cows    cows
about   cows
talking   cows
idiot     cows
this   cows
got   cows
i             cows
long    cows
how   cows
look   cows


now read the left hand side from bottom to the top!
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Robert Scott on April 23, 2007, 08:33:55 pm
Not very long
Title: Off to the Doctor
Post by: rhychydwr1 on April 24, 2007, 12:12:51 pm

An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems....

"Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot".

So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.

"Incredible" he says, "there is a £20 note lodged up here."

Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a

£10 pound note appears.

"This is amazing!" exclaims the Doctor. ''What do you want me to do?"

"Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man!" shrieks the patient.

The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and
another and another and another, etc....

Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.

"Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batt er.
Just out of interest, how moch was in dare den?"

The Doctor counts the pile of cash."£1,990 exactly."

"Ah, dat'd be roit,'' says the Irishman




(Wait for it...........scroll down.)




I knew I wasn't feeling two grand.."


Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Mr Fell on April 27, 2007, 06:04:57 am
A Scotsman walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. He
says to her, "Hey miss ye  look like a bonnie lass, would you let me bite your Breasts for $100?

 "Are you nuts?!!!" she replies and keeps walking away.

He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?" he  asks again.

 "Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?"

So the Scotsman runs around the next block and faces her again. "Would you  let me bite your breasts just once for $10,000 dollars?"

She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmm, $10,000 dollars; Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."

So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most  perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs  them and  starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them,  burying his face in them, but not biting them.

The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, "Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?"

"Nah", says the Scotsman... "Costs too much..."  :o

 


Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: ditzy on April 27, 2007, 12:02:53 pm
Paddy O' Leary had spent the eve drinking at the local tavern. He knew he had a long walk home, so though he was a wee tipsy, he recalled a shortcut through the town's cemetery.

Paddy staggered 'round the graves, but lost his footing and fell into a hole dug for a burial the following day. He passed out when he hit bottom.

Upon awakening the next morn, Paddy stood up and realized where he was-- and promptly shouted "Glory Be to GOD! 'Tis the Resurrection Day-- and I'm the first one up!"
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Peter Burgess on April 27, 2007, 12:07:43 pm
Folk Music joke:

How do you tell that a bodhran player is at the door?

The knock gets faster and faster and then he doesn't know when to come in!

Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Mr Fell on April 28, 2007, 05:58:18 am
My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and
so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering
me. It was her beautiful younger sister.
   
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I
got married and committed my life to her sister.
   
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
   
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."
   
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.

When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down
the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a
> beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
   
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
   
 With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, we are very happy that you have passed our little test.....we couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."
   
And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car........

 :lol:
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: kay on April 28, 2007, 08:40:04 am
haven't we had this one before?  ;)
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: ditzy on April 28, 2007, 09:31:32 pm
A mother and daughter loved to play around. They partied everyday and always ended up fucking everybody around. Their holes were played until they became seasoned and loose. One day, the daughter met the man of her dreams and decided to get married. Now, the man did not know about their flicks and thought the daughter was still a virgin. So he decided to leave any lovemaking until their wedding night. The daughter began to worry about the condition of her hole and consulted her mother, "Mum, I'm worried, what will Peter do if he finds out about my hole?!!" Mother said, "Don't worry dear, I will teach you a way to fool your husband-to-be. Here's what you do, place an apple in your hole and it will be tight and he won't even notice it." So the daughter did what her mother taught her and everything went well and the stupid husband didn't even notice.

This went on for a few months. Now, everytime the daughter wanted to bathe, she would take out the apple and place it on the wash basin and after bathing, she would put it back in her hole. One day, after bathing, she forgot to put it back and left it on the wash basin. The husband came into the washroom and saw the apple and thought that her wife left the apple for him and he ate it, "Honey, thanks for the apple. It tasted great!" Shocked, the daughter dare not tell her husband about it and went to consult her mother, "Mum, I'm in deep shit now! I took out the apple while I was bathing and I forgot to put it back and Peter found the apple I left on the wash basin and ate it! What sould I do? Will he be poisoned? I'm scared, mum." Mother said, "Don't worry dear, a few years ago, your father ate the WATERMELON I left in the washroom and he lived!"
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: tony from suffolk on April 28, 2007, 10:21:00 pm
A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said "I want to be a movie star."
 
Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.

The agent asked, "What's your name?"
The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."

The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name."

"I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever."

The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years...
You will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you."

So be it! I guess we will not do business together" the guy said and he left the agent's office.

FIVE YEARS LATER..... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. in side the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000?

He reads the letter enclosed...

Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood, you told me I needed to change my name.

Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian.
After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name.

I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent.
 

I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.

Thank you for your advice..

Sincerely,

Dick van Dyke
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Mr Fell on April 29, 2007, 09:17:32 am
{There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny.}

 

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now; The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

 

Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to...''

Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."

"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"

"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped.  Please come in and have a seat"

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"

"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."

 

"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.

 

"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too.  The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."

 

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?"

"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."

"Tripod?"

"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."

Mrs. Smith fainted.........

 


Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Mr Fell on April 30, 2007, 06:24:24 pm
 An elderly couple go to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asks, "What

  can I do for you?"

  The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

  The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly

  couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

  When the couple finish, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong

  with the way you have intercourse. He thanks them for coming, he wishes

  them good luck, he charges them £50 and he says goodbye.

  The next week, however, the couple return and asks the sex therapist to

  watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

  This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, have

  intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

  Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry,

  but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?"

  The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married

  and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house.The

  Holiday Inn charges £98. The Hilton charges £139. We do it here for £50,

  and I get £43 back from BUPA     :o
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Mark on April 30, 2007, 08:05:37 pm
Another one we've heard before Mr Fell, posted by rhychydwr1 last October
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: ditzy on April 30, 2007, 11:04:48 pm
A very drunk man in a bar tells the bartender and everyone that is
sitting near him that he can fart out the tune to The Star Spangelled Banner!
Everyone who hears this wants to see him do it. So he tells everyone to
gather around him, then he climbs up on the bar, drops his trousers and
proceeds to take a massive dump on the bar counter. After he
finishes the disgusted bartender says "Why in the hell did you shit on my
bar?" The drunk replies "Even Elvis had to clear his throat!"
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Mr Fell on May 01, 2007, 06:15:12 am
Try this one for size then

Skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks Up and sees this HUGE Black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the Little guy staring at Him looks down and says: "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 Inch private, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown." The White man faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking Him. The big guy says, What's wrong with you?" In a weak voice the little Guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?" The big dude says, "I saw Your curious look and figured I'd just give you the Answers to the questions everyone always asks me..... I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch Private, my testicles Weighs 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown." The small guy says: Turner Brown?!....Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, Turn around.

 :tease:
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Billy Butcombe on May 01, 2007, 01:19:30 pm
Ha Ha Ha  :clap2:
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Walrus on May 01, 2007, 09:12:54 pm
A young man named Gordon bought a donkey from an old farmer for £100. When the farmer drove up the next day to deliver the animal he said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey is on my truck, but unfortunately he died on the way over." "Well”, said young Gordon, “Just give me my money back." "I can't do that”, said the farmer, “I've spent it already." "OK no problem” said Gordon, “Unload the donkey anyway." "What are you going to do with him?" the farmer asked. Gordon answered, "I'm going to raffle him off." The farmer exclaimed, "Surely you can't raffle off a dead donkey!" Gordon, with a wicked smile on his face said, "Of course I can, you watch me. I just won't bother to tell anybody that he's dead." A month later the farmer met up with Gordon and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?" Gordon said, "I raffled him off, sold 500 tickets at two pounds a time, and made a huge profit!" Totally amazed, the farmer asked, "Didn't anyone complain that you’d stolen their money because you lied about the donkey being dead?" To which Gordon replied, "The only guy who found out about the donkey being dead was the raffle winner. I gave him his £2 ticket money back plus an extra £200, which as you know is double the going rate for a donkey, he thought I was a great guy!"

Moral

Gordon grew up and eventually became the Chancellor of the Exchequer, and no matter how many times he lied, or how much money he stole from the British voters, as long as he gave them back some of the stolen money, most of them, unfortunately, still thought he was a great guy.

So, if you think Gordon is about to play fair and do something for the everyday people of the country for once in his miserable, lying life,
think again because you'll be better off flogging a dead donkey!
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Peter Burgess on May 02, 2007, 08:56:43 am
It might disappoint or delight you to learn that this 'story' was doing the rounds some years ago with the name 'Nigel' in place of 'Gordon'.
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Walrus on May 02, 2007, 09:26:38 am
Some things never change!
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: graham on May 02, 2007, 11:31:08 am
A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plonks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

"What troubles you, Sister?" asks the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family."

"It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ."

"I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?"

"Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!"

"Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell me all about it!"

"Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother - 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee!"

"Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!"

"No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!"

"Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathized Mother.

"But I didn't, Mother Superior!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!"

"So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile.

"Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...


















"You missed the f*cking putt, didn't you?"
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Brains on May 02, 2007, 11:43:24 am
Errm, what is this thing called "golf"
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Mrs Trellis on May 02, 2007, 11:59:33 am
Errm, what is this thing called "golf"

It's about doing your thing by getting into small, awkwardly placed holes in the ground after a nice walk through the countryside wearing brightly coloured clothing and then bragging about the difficulty of doing it afterwards in licenced premises.

No link with caving then.  :-\
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Walrus on May 02, 2007, 12:12:17 pm
Errm, what is this thing called "golf"

To coin a phrase, "a good walk spoiled".
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: tony from suffolk on May 02, 2007, 12:40:55 pm
When Lester Piggott was sent to jail for tax fraud, he ended up sharing a cell with a 6' 8" tall, tattooed and heavily muscled East End villain.

"'Ello!" says the villain. "and welcome to this 'ere prison cell wot I've been stuck in on me own for many years. Nice to 'ave a bit o' company, 'cos I've got very lonely. I fink it would be nice to play some games, like...DOCTORS AND NURSES. Or....MUMMIES AND DADDIES! Seein' as 'ow you're new 'ere, I'll let you choose what to play first!"

Lester, terrified, mumbles "Errrr. Mmmmummies and Dddddaddies?" "OK, so what do you wanna be, MUMMY or....DADDY?"

"Errr, DDaddy?"

"Right. OK then, DADDY! I want you to come over 'ere, and suck mummie's cock!"
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: shotlighter on May 02, 2007, 08:26:12 pm
When Lester Piggott was sent to jail for tax fraud, he ended up sharing a cell with a 6' 8" tall, tattooed and heavily muscled East End villain.

"'Ello!" says the villain. "and welcome to this 'ere prison cell wot I've been stuck in on me own for many years. Nice to 'ave a bit o' company, 'cos I've got very lonely. I fink it would be nice to play some games, like...DOCTORS AND NURSES. Or....MUMMIES AND DADDIES! Seein' as 'ow you're new 'ere, I'll let you choose what to play first!"

Lester, terrified, mumbles "Errrr. Mmmmummies and Dddddaddies?" "OK, so what do you wanna be, MUMMY or....DADDY?"

"Errr, DDaddy?"

"Right. OK then, DADDY! I want you to come over 'ere, and suck mummie's cock!"
Wasn't he the first 6'8" bloke to ride a Derby Winner?
Title: Another blonde joke
Post by: rhychydwr1 on May 03, 2007, 09:14:16 am
Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and
pass a flower shop where the redhead sees her boyfriend buying her
flowers.
The Redhead sighs and says: "Oh crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers
again."
The blonde looks quizzically at her and says: "You don't like getting
flowers from your boyfriend?"
The redhead replies: "I love getting flowers, but he always has
expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like
spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."

The blonde says: ........"Don't you have a vase?"
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: ditzy on May 03, 2007, 09:15:55 am
if you want a laugh how about this ...
i was told by another member of the forum that gullable isnt in the dictionairy and i went and asked my mum if it was or not.
Title: Cocaine
Post by: rhychydwr1 on May 03, 2007, 09:19:08 am

"Hello, is this the police?"
"Yes it is. How can we help you?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbour, Rangi. He's hiding cocaine inside
his firewood!"
"Thank you very much for the call."
Early next morning, police officers descend on Rangi's house in great
numbers.
They search the house and then go out to the shed where the firewood is
kept.
Using axes, they bust open every piece of firewood but they find no
cocaine. They swear at Rangi and leave.
The phone rings at Rangi's house.
"Hey, Rangi, Did the cops come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop up your firewood?"
"Yeah."
"Happy Birthday bro!"

Title: Always wear clean underpants
Post by: rhychydwr1 on May 03, 2007, 09:33:18 am
Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under
your vehicle.
A Walsall couple drove their car to Asda to do some shopping only to
have their car break down in the parking lot.
The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the
car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people
near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs
protruding from under the chassis.
Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned his
private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the
embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP
his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her
feet, she looked across the bonnet and found herself
staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The A A mechanic,
however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.
Title: Coffee break
Post by: rhychydwr1 on May 03, 2007, 09:38:16 am
A charter flight took off from Gatwick enroute to Majorca - the captain
gave his usual 'welcome on board speech', then pushed the button to
recline his seat, and said to his co-pilot " What I need now is a cup of
coffee and a blow job!"

As he had left the cabin intercom on, this was heard by all the
passengers. The senior air stewardess on hearing the captains remark
rushed from the back of the plane to tell to switch his microphone off.
As she got close to the flight-deck door a voice from the back said loud
and clear,
"Oi! you've forgotten the coffee!

Title: Fire
Post by: rhychydwr1 on May 03, 2007, 09:40:37 am
A Jamaican fireman came home from work one day and said to his
wife,

"Ya now sumptin' womon, we have a wonderful new system at de fire
station..
Bell 1 rings - we put on our jackets.
Bell 2 rings we slide down de pole.
Bell 3 rings -we jump on de engine and we's ready to go.

"From now on womon, when I say, 'Bell one' I want you to strip
naked.
When I say, 'Bell two' you jump on de bed.
When I say, 'Bell three' > we's gonna mek love all tru de night
girl."
The next night, he came home and shouted,
"Bell One" and the wife
Stripped naked!
"Bell Two" and she jumped on the bed!
"Bell Three" and they started to make love!

After a few minutes, the wife yelled out, "Bell Four"
WOMON ... What de hell is Bell Four'?" he asked.
She replied, "ROLL OUT MORE HOSE, MON, YOU AIN'T NOWHERE NEAR DE FIRE."

Title: Menopause Jewellery
Post by: rhychydwr1 on May 03, 2007, 09:44:51 am

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings,
bought me a mood ring for Christmas so he would be
able to monitor my moods.
We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it
turns a lovely shade of green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big
f**king red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond
Title: Southern Grandma
Post by: rhychydwr1 on May 07, 2007, 01:35:24 pm
Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren't
prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first
witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.

He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you
since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big
disappointment to me. You lie; you cheat on your wife, and you
manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think
you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will
amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across
the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do I've known Mr. Bradley since he was
a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem.
He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice
is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on
his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I
know him."

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very
quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me,
I'll send you to the electric chair."


Title: Gov't Official
Post by: rhychydwr1 on May 08, 2007, 11:55:16 am
A cocky Department of Agriculture representative stopped at a farm and
talked with an old farmer.  He told the farmer, "I need to inspect your
farm."  The old farmer said "OK, but don't go in that field right over
yonder."

The Agriculture representative said, "Mister, I have the authority of the U. S.
Government with me.  See this card?  This card means I am allowed to go
WHEREVER I wish on any agricultural land....no questions asked or answered.
Do you understand?"

The farmer nodded politely and went about his farm chores.  Later, he heard
loud screams and saw the Department of Agriculture Rep running for the fence
and close behind was the farmer's huge-horned prize bull.  The bull was
madder than a nest full of hornets.  The bull was gaining on the Rep at
every step.

The Old farmer called out, "Show him your card!!  Show him your card!!"

Title: Giving a presentation
Post by: rhychydwr1 on May 08, 2007, 11:59:35 am
A new priest was so nervous at his first mass he could hardly speak.

 

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

 

The monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass.  If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”

 

So next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice.  At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.

 

He proceeded to talk up a storm.

 

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

 

1)   Sip the vodka, don’t gulp.

 

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

 

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

 

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

 

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

 

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

 

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.

 

8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.

 

9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.

 

10) We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T.”

 

11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, “take this and eat it, for it is my body.”  He did not say “Eat me”.

 

12) The Virgin Mary is not called “Mary with the Cherry”.

 

13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

 

14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St Peter’s, not a peter pulling contest at St Taffy’s.

 

 

The origin of this letter is unknown, but it brings good luck to everyone who passes it on.  The one who breaks the chain will have bad luck.

 

Do not keep this letter.  Do not send money.  Just forward it to twelve of your friends to whom you wish good luck and a great laugh.





Title: A Mathematical Formula for Getting Promoted In Life
Post by: rhychydwr1 on May 08, 2007, 12:02:55 pm

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:
What makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%. Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes 100% in life?

Here's a formula that might help you answer these questions.

If: A B C D E F G H I  J  K  L  M  N  O  P  Q  R  S  T U  V W X Y Z.
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26

Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

ASS KISSING
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 127%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while hard work and knowledge will get you close and attitude will get you there, it's the Bullnuts and Ass Kissing that will put you on  top.

But how about this equation:

WHO YOU KNOW  (Not what you know)
23+8+15+25+15+21+11+14+15+23 = 170%

THE WILL TO WIN
20+8+5+23+9+12+12+20+15+23+9+14 = 170%

Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: ditzy on May 09, 2007, 08:52:56 am
The Three Sons
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly Mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our Mother." The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took Elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."

Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote one son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel any more. My eyesight isn't what it used to be. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"

"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. The chicken was delicious!"
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: andymorgan on May 11, 2007, 07:00:44 pm
I am into extreme sports. Obviously caving is one of them; but I also eat frozen apples.


Its hardcore!
Title: New Virus
Post by: rhychydwr1 on May 16, 2007, 10:14:34 am
NEW VIRUS
Just got this in from a reliable source. It seems there
Is a virus called the "Senile Virus" that even the most
Advanced programs of Norton and McAfee cannot take care of it ..... So be warned. The virus appears to affect those of us who were born before 1950!

Symptoms of the Senile Virus:

1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice.
2. Causes you to send blank e-mail.
3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person.
4. Causes you to send e-mail back to the person who sent it to you.
5. Causes you to forget to attach attachments.
6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished the e-mail.

Remember???????????

I don't remember if I sent this one out.........
I don't think I did...or did you send it to me??

Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...

God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now that I'm 'older' (but refuse to grow up), here's what I've discovered:

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.

3. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.

4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...

5. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...

6. All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.

7. If all is not lost, where is it?

8. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

9. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...

10. Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.

11. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few...

12. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

13. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

14. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...

15. It's hard to make a come back when you haven't been anywhere.

16. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.

17. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.

18. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?

19. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...

20. It's not hard to meet expenses... They're everywhere.

21. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

22. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter... I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after.

23. I AM UNABLE TO REMEMBER IF I HAVE MAILED THIS TO YOU OR NOT!

24. Funny, I don't remember being . . . . . Absent minded...

Now, I think you're supposed to send this to 5 or 6, maybe 8, maybe 10, oh, heck, just send it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are. Then something is supposed to happen... I think. Maybe you get your memory back or something! I think...

 

 
Title: THE ULTIMATE FEMALE JOKE
Post by: rhychydwr1 on May 18, 2007, 03:42:14 pm
Enjoy this one girls......................


THE ULTIMATE FEMALE JOKE


It has long been contended that there are male jokes and there are  female jokes. And there are unisex jokes. Here is a joke I consider a true female joke. I offer it to you in the hopes that women will love  it and men will pass it along to a woman who will love it.

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy  middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take > her eyes off him. The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive
stare and walked directly toward her. (As all men will.). Before she could offer her apologies for so rudely staring, he leaned over and whispered to her,  "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter  how kinky, for $20.00 -- on one condition." (There are always conditions!)

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words." (Controlling, huh?). The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly, and meaningfully said . . .



(scroll down)









 "Clean my house."

 (YOU GO GIRL!!!)


Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Mrs Trellis on May 18, 2007, 03:54:33 pm
Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Carolyn that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.

Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.
Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, "Darling, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again ?"
Carolyn agreed and again they made love.
Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realised he now had only eight hours of life left.
He touched Carolyn's shoulder and said, "Darling ? Please ? Just once more before I die."
She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.
Barry, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours.
He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up.
"Darling, I only have four hours left ! Could we...?"
His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said,
"Listen Barry, I'm not being funny ...but I have to get up in the morning and you don't."
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Dickie on May 18, 2007, 04:04:22 pm

I phoned up a really gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild nights we used to enjoy together.


I couldn't BELIEVE it when she asked if I'd like to meet up and maybe rekindle a little of that magic.


"Wow!" I said "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now! I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!"


She giggled and said she was sure I'd meet the challenge!


"Yeah," I said, Just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistband that's a few inches wider these days!"


She laughed and told me to stop being so silly! She teased me, saying she thought tubby bald men were cute!


"Anyway", she said, "I've put on a couple of pounds myself!"





So I hung up.

Title: The little builder
Post by: rhychydwr1 on May 21, 2007, 06:43:17 am
A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant building plot.
One day Willie Brunsden and a gang of building workers turned up to start building a house on the empty plot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.

She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot.
They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When they got to the bank the cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'.

"You must have worked very hard to earn all this" said the bank cashier.

The little girl proudly replied, "I worked all last week with the men building a big house."

"My goodness gracious," said the cashier, "Will you be working on the house again this week, as well?"

The little girl thought for a moment and said,

"I think so. Provided those c*nts at Jewson deliver the f**king bricks."

Title: And at the other end of the scale...
Post by: rhychydwr1 on May 25, 2007, 03:21:46 pm

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.

He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a
set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor
said,"Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that
you can hear again."

The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit
around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three
times!"

          *****************

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench
under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years
old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my
age.  How do You feel?"

Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."

"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"

"Yep. No hair,no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."

           ******************

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:

"So I hear you're getting married?"

"Yep!"

"Do I know her?"

"Nope!"

"This woman, is she good looking?"

"Not really."

"Is she a good cook?"

"Naw, she can't cook too well."

"Does she have lots of money?"

"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."

"Well then, is she good in bed?"

"I don't know."

"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"

"Because she can still drive!"

          ********************

Three old guys are out walking.

First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"

Second one says,"No, it's Thursday!"

Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."

           **********************

A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It

Cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."

"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"

" Twelve thirty ."

            *********************

Morris, an 82 year old man went to his doctor to get a physical. A few
days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a
gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're
really doing great, aren't you?"

Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be
cheerful."

The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur;
be careful.'"

             **********************

and the last one...

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled
himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath,
he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "Arthritis."

Aaaaahhhhhh "The Golden Years"






Title: Seven reasons not to mess with children.
Post by: rhychydwr1 on May 25, 2007, 03:44:29 pm

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a
human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very
small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a
human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".



A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while
they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each
child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what
the drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl
replied, "They will in a minute."



A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her
five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to "honour" thy Father and thy Mother,
she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our
brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered,
"Thou shall not kill."



One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes
at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several
strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your
hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and
make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said,
"Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"



The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to
persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up
and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a
doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the
teacher, she's dead."



A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to
make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head,
the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the
face."

"Yes," the class said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary
position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted,
"Cause your feet ain't empty."



The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary
school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.
The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

"Take only ONE . God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a
large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the
apples."



Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Mrs Trellis on May 25, 2007, 04:53:42 pm
Drunken welshman returns from the pub on friday night with a sheep in his arms. His wife is in bed reading and looks up from the book when he says

"This is the pig I f*ck when you've got a headache"

"I think you'll find that's a sheep"  she replies, icily (in tones of chapel disapproval)

"I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep"
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: anfieldman on May 25, 2007, 06:42:26 pm
 :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: clunk on May 25, 2007, 11:18:49 pm
Scotsman walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, "Hey Miss, would you let me bite your breasts for £100?
"Are you nuts?!!!" she replies, and keeps walking away.
He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.
"Would you let me bite your breasts for £1,000s?" he asks again.
"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?"
So the Scotsman runs around the next block and faces her again. "Would you let me bite your breasts just once for £10,000?"
She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmm, 10,000 pounds - Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."
So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them.
The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, "Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?"
"Nae", says the Scotsman...! "Costs too much..."
Title: The Lord, Noah and Mr Blair
Post by: rhychydwr1 on May 29, 2007, 09:25:55 am

In the year 2007, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in England, and
said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see
the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living
thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark
before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard ~
but no Ark.

"Noah!" He roared , "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed a
building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a
sprinkler system. My neighbours claim I have violated the neighbourhood
zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height
limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.

"Then the Electricity Companies demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of
moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for
the Ark's move to the sea.   "I told them that the sea would be coming to
us, but they would hear nothing of it.

"Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees
in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists
that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!

"When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me.
They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They
argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane
to put so many animals in a confined space.

"Then the Ministry of the Environment ruled that I couldn't build the Ark
until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

"I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on
how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.

"Immigration and Naturalization are checking the Visa status of most of the
people who want to work.

"The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only
Union workers with Ark-building experience.

"To make matters worse, the Inland Revenue seized all my assets, claiming I'm
trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

"So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish
this Ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched
across the sky.

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy
the world?"

"No," said the Lord....       "Blair beat me to it."



Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: hoehlenforscher on May 31, 2007, 11:48:03 pm
A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the Lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with
him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had
nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain
eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's
Go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned
against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.

Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts;
they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere.
How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"

Clearing his throat, he stammered.... "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming.... that was me."
Title: The Rabbit
Post by: rhychydwr1 on June 06, 2007, 03:32:49 pm
THE  RABBIT


ISN'T HE THE CUTEST THING

A man is driving along a highway
and sees a rabbit jump out
across the middle of the road.
He swerves to avoid hitting it,
but unfortunately
the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.

The driver,
a sensitive man as well as an animal lover,
pulls over and gets out t o see
what has become of the rabbit.

Much to his dismay,
the rabbit is dead.
The driver feels so awful
that he begins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman
driving down the highway
sees a man crying on the
side of the road
and pulls over.

She steps out of the car
and asks the man what's wrong.

"I feel terrible,"
he explains,
"I accidentally hit this rabbit
and killed it."

The blonde says,
"Don't worry."
She runs to her car
and pulls out a spray can

She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit,
bends down,
and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.

The rabbit jumps up,
waves its paw at the two of them
and hops off down the road.

Ten feet away the rabbit stops,
turns around and waves again,
he ho ps down the road another 10 feet,
turns and waves, hops anot her ten feet,
turns and waves,
and repeats this again and again and again,
until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished. "What is in that can?
What did you spray on that rabbit?"

The woman turns the can around
so that the man can read the label.


It says...

(Are you ready for this?)




(Are you sure?)






(This is bad!)



(You can still delete it)



(You know you're gonna be sorry)


(OK, here it is)





It says,



"Hair Spray -
Restores life to dead hair,



    adds permanent wave."




Hey, I don't make them up.... I just pass them along


Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Peter Burgess on June 06, 2007, 03:36:25 pm
I don't understand. How could that work? A rabbit isn't the same thing as a hare (you spelt it wrong by the way).

Puzzled.  :shrug:
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: rhychydwr1 on June 07, 2007, 10:33:25 am
I don't understand. How could that work? A rabbit isn't the same thing as a hare (you spelt it wrong by the way).

Puzzled.  :shrug:

Some people have no sense of humour    ;D
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: anfieldman on June 08, 2007, 08:44:41 pm
A lesbian goes to a gynecologist and the gynecologist says "I must say, this is the cleanest pussy I've seen in ages."

"Thanks," said the lesbian. "I have a woman in 4 times a week."

Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Mr Fell on June 09, 2007, 04:47:06 am
Air Force One arrives at Heathrow and President Bush strides to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen. They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses.

They continue on towards Buckingham Palace waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well. Suddenly, the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth-shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire . The fart shakes the coach. The smell is atrocious! Both passengers in the carriage must use perfume-dipped handkerchiefs over their nose, but the two dignitaries of state do their best to ignore the incident.

The Queen turns to President Bush saying, "Mr.

President, please accept my regrets. I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."

Bush, with his usual diplomatic aplomb, replied, "Your

Majesty, do not give the matter another thought. Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses."


 :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: mak on June 11, 2007, 02:16:42 pm
On his trip to Great Britain , George Bush had a meeting with Queen Elizabeth   He asked her, "How does one manage to run a country so smoothly?"

"That's easy," she replied, "You surround yourself with intelligent ministers and advisors."

"But how can I tell whether they are intelligent or not?"

You ask them a riddle," she replied, and with that she pressed a button and said, "Would you please send Tony Blair in."  When Blair arrived, the Queen said, "I have a riddle for you to answer for me.  Your parents had a child and it was not your sister and it was not your brother.  Who was this child?"

Blair replied, "That's easy The child was me."

Very good," said the Queen. "You may go now."

President Bush went back to Washington and called in his chief of staff, Karl Rove.  He said to him, "I have a riddle for you, and the answer is very important.  Your parents had a child and it was not your sister and it was not your brother.  Who was this child ?"


Rove replied, "Yes, it is clearly very important that we determine the answer, as no child must be left behind.  Can I deliberate on this for awhile?"

"Yes," said Bush, "I'll give you four hours to come up with the answer."

So Rove went and called a meeting of the White House staff, and asked them the riddle.  But after much discussion and many suggestions, none of them had a satisfactory answer.  So he was quite upset, not knowing what he would tell the President.  As Rove was walking back to the Oval Office, he saw former Secretary of State Colin Powell approaching him.  So he said, "Mr. Secretary, can you answer this riddle for me?  Your parents had a child and it was not your sister and it was not your brother. Who was the child?"

"That's easy," said Powell, "The child was me."

"Oh thank you," said Rove. "You may just have saved me my job!"  So Rove went into the Oval Office and said to President Bush, "I think I know the answer to your riddle. The child was Colin Powell!"


"No, you idiot!" shouted Bush. "The child was Tony Blair!"
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: ditzy on June 13, 2007, 11:53:01 pm
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said," Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Fred on June 14, 2007, 02:52:51 pm
While I am definitley pro-recycling, I'm afraid your living up to your tag line Ditzy.

See rhychydwr1's post in this thread on 25 May for an earlier posting of this joke.
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: crazystaci on June 14, 2007, 03:06:50 pm
ditzy he is right there is already that joke on here lol  :)
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: ditzy on June 14, 2007, 06:33:31 pm
While I am definitley pro-recycling, I'm afraid your living up to your tag line Ditzy.

See rhychydwr1's post in this thread on 25 May for an earlier posting of this joke.

oops never mind.
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: ditzy on June 14, 2007, 06:39:27 pm
how about this one insted

How many letters are in the Alphabet?? Nineteen. Because ET went Home on a UFO and the FBI went after him!
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: mak on June 15, 2007, 12:31:59 pm

What makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%. Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes 100% in life?

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:

If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z.
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26

Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

ASS KISSING
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 127%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while hard work and knowledge will get you close and attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you on top.
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Mrs Trellis on June 15, 2007, 04:48:03 pm
Essex girl being assesssed following an accident:-

Paramedic - "How many fingers have I got up?"

Essex girl -   "Oh No! My tw*t's paralysed"
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Mr Fell on June 16, 2007, 07:52:46 am
Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg. Paddy says,
"Me feet are fookin freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me
fookin slippers?" "No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there
are Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sat on their beds.
"Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both."
"Fook off you liar!".
"I'll prove it," Murphy says.
So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Paddy?"
"Of course, what's the use of fookin' one?"  :lol:
 

Title: Accident
Post by: rhychydwr1 on June 16, 2007, 10:14:01 am
Had an accident with the car today................
bumped into rear end of car waiting at lights....
the driver got out...............
he was a dwarf.............
he said "I'm not  happy"!..............
I said "Which one are you then!"

Title: NOT SO MUCH A JOKE MORE A FACT OF LIFE:
Post by: rhychydwr1 on June 16, 2007, 10:15:25 am
NOT SO MUCH A JOKE MORE A FACT OF LIFE:
Men are just happier people but what do you expect when:
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear go without a shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
Wrinkles add character.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
Your underwear is £1.99 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You only have one mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you to a party, he or she can still be your friend.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original colour.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24th in 25 minutes.

Title: The Lion Tamer
Post by: rhychydwr1 on June 16, 2007, 10:19:29 am
A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One
is a good looking, older retired cop in his sixties and the other is a
gorgeous blonde in her mid-twenties.
The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is
one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you guys better be good or
you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who
wants to try out first?"
The girl says, "I'll go first."
She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into
the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge
her.
About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful
naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to
her
and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss
her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's mouth is on the floor.
He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns
to the retired cop and asks, "Can you top that?"
The tough old cop replies, "No problem, just get that blasted lion out
of the way first." ...
Title: BEER, FISHING, SEX & GOLF:
Post by: rhychydwr1 on June 16, 2007, 10:21:13 am

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly
dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of
dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give
you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to
spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?"
the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20
years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead
of food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless
man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm


going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for


doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man
looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."
Title: Re: NOT SO MUCH A JOKE MORE A FACT OF LIFE:
Post by: kay on June 16, 2007, 01:13:15 pm
NOT SO MUCH A JOKE MORE A FACT OF LIFE:

That is all so true!
Title: Mammogram results
Post by: james on June 19, 2007, 11:58:43 am


A woman in her fifties is at home happily jumping naked on her bed  and squealing with delight.
Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea  how ridiculous you look?  What is the matter with you?"
The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says "I don't care  what you say, I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor  says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an  eighteen year old."
The husband replies "What did he say about your 55 year old bum?"
She replied   "Your name never came  up!"

Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: wormster on June 20, 2007, 04:23:22 pm
Here are some excellent definitions for the use of tools.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching a flat metal bar out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly-stained table you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench at the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned guitar calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Yeeeowww!"

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters. The tool used most often by all women.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the worse the cut becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or ½ socket you've been searching for, for the last 45 minutes.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN ½ x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate pop up ads appear on a computer screen. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads. Women excel at using this tool.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts which were last over tightened 30 years ago by someone at Ford, and instantly rounds off their heads. Also used to quickly snap off lug nuts.

AIR RATCHET: A device that smashes your knuckles once a nut or bolt is completely tightened.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying to hit. Women primarily use it to make gaping holes in walls when hanging pictures.

CENTER PUNCH: A pointy chisel that locates a starting point, for drilling, adjacent to, but not in the center of the subject being drilled.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Mrs Trellis on June 21, 2007, 02:10:41 pm
(http://s2.excoboard.com/forums/6542/user/52305/392520.jpg)
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: ditzy on June 23, 2007, 12:07:47 pm
A car salesman walked into a Bar, sat down next to this nice looking Blond and ordered a double shot of Scotch straight up.
The bartender asked, "are you having a bad day"?
The salesman replied, Yes, it's this damn economy, if I don't sell more Cars I'm going to loose my ass.
The salesman then quickly turned to the nice looking Blond and apologized for his crude statement.
The Blond said "no problem, if I don't sell more ass, I'm going to loose my Car!
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: wormster on June 23, 2007, 02:27:05 pm
Sheila, the Aussie housewife got out of the shower and slipped over on
the bathroom floor.
Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she slipped, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor.
She yelled out for her husband Bruce.
"Bruce, Bruce" she yelled.
Bruce came running in.
"Bruce, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor" she said .
"Strewth" Bruce said and tried to pull her up.
"You're stuck fast girl. I'll go across the road and get Cobba" (his mate).
They came back and they both tried to pull her up.
"No way. We can't do it" Cobba said "Lets try Plan B."
"Plan B?" exclaimed Bruce.
"What's that"?
"I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we can break the tiles under her and release the vacuum." replied Cobba
"Spot on" Bruce said. "While your doing that, I'll stay here and play with her t*ts."
"Play with her t*ts"? Cobba said, "Not exactly a good time for that mate?"
"No" Bruce replied, "But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can
slid her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive".
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: ditzy on June 23, 2007, 11:41:22 pm
Why do golfers always carry 2 trousers with them?

In case they get a hole in one

How do you stop your husband from reading your email?

Rename the mail folder to “instruction manuals”

What rescues a computer?

A screensaver

What do you call a train of sweets?

A chew chew train!

Why is the sand yellow?

Because the seaweed

What do you call a gingerbread man with one leg?

A limp biscuit!

Why did the girl fall off the swing?

She had no arms

What type of meat do lions like?

Roar (raw)

How do you confuse an Irish man?

Put him in a barrel and say: Pick up the £5 note from the corner

What is another way to confuse an Irish man?

Put 2 shovels against a wall and say: tack your pick

How do you get an Irish man to go on the ceiling?

Say to him there is beer on the ceiling

 

Did you hear about the guy who swallowed a whistle?

 

People said to him: You’ve blown it!

 

I’ve got a joke about butter bit I cant tell you it otherwise you will spread it!

 

Why did the guy take a pencil to bed?

 

To draw the curtains!

 

Why did the Turkey cross the road?

 

To prove he weren’t chicken!

 

What type of ear do trains have?

 

Engineer!

 

Why didn’t the guy eat his roast chicken?

 

Because he was too chicken! 

 

Why weren't the pop band allowed in the pub?

 

They were band (banned!)

 

Why weren’t the sheep allowed in the pub?

 

It was baahed (barred!)

 

What do you call a house on wheels?

 

A mobile house!

 

What do you call a toilet on wheels?

 

A mobile portable toilet!

 

What is a ghosts favourite food?

 

Gravey (gravy!)

 

Why did the blonde put lipstick on her forehead?

 

To makeup her mind!

 

How do you confuse a blonde?

 

Put her in a round room and say: go to the corner!

 

What does a cooked chicken say when it’s ready?

 

Cook a doo doo doo!

Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: ditzy on June 24, 2007, 12:40:13 am
Stumpy Grinder and his wife Martha were from Portland, Maine. Every year they went to the Portland Fair and every year Stumpy said, "Ya know, Mahtha, I'd like ta get a ride in that theah aihplane." And every year, Martha would say "I know, Stumpy, but that aihplane ride costs ten dollahs .. and ten dollahs is ten dollahs."

So one year Stumpy says, "By Jeebers, Mahtha, I'm 71 yeahs old, and if I don't go this time I may nevah go." Martha replies, "Stumpy, that there aihplane ride is ten dollahs ... and ten dollahs is ten dollahs."
So the pilot overhears then and says, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say ONE WORD, then I won't charge you. But just ONE WORD and it's ten dollars."

They agree and up they go... the pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does it one more time, and there is still no word... so he lands.

He turns to Stumpy as they come to a stop and says, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to holler out, but you didn't."

And Stumpy replies "Well, I was gonna say something when Mahtha fell out ... but ten dollahs is ten dollahs."

Title: Spooky
Post by: rhychydwr1 on June 27, 2007, 02:41:46 pm
Subject: Spooky

This is creepy!

Think of a letter between

A and W.

                               .

.

.

.

.

.

.

Repeat it

out loud as

you scroll down.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Keep going ............................ . .

Don't stop . . ..

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Think of an

animal

that begins

with that letter.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Repeat it

out loud

as you

scroll down.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Think of

either a man's/woman's

name

that

begins

with the

last letter

in the

animals name

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Almost

there........

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Now

count out

the letters

in that name

on the fingers

of the hand

you are not

using to

scroll down.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Take the

hand you

counted with

and hold it out

in front of you

at face level

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Look at your

palm

very closely

and

notice

the

lines

in

your

hand

.

.

.

.

Do the lines

take the

form of the

first letter

in the

persons name?

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

. Of course they fuckin dont.......

.

.

.

.Now smack

yourself in the head, get a life,

and

quit playing

stupid

e-mail games!

.

.

.

.

Don't

tell the secret

to others,

just send

them this e-mail!

Title: Australian Etiquette Handbook
Post by: rhychydwr1 on June 28, 2007, 02:04:22 pm
Australian Etiquette Handbook

GENERAL:

1. Never take a beer  to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting  them.
3. It's tacky to take an esky to church.
4. If you have to vacuum  the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain you're  included in the will, it's rude to take the trailer to the funeral  home.

DINING OUT:
1. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup  and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the wine.
2. If drinking directly from  the bottle, hold it with both your hands.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME:
1. A  centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good  his manners.

PERSONAL HYGIENE:
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly,  this should be done in private, using one's OWN ute keys.
2. Even if you live  alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money.
3. Use of toiletries can only delay  bathing a few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, as  they detract from a woman's jewellery and alter the taste of finger  foods.

DATING (Outside the Family):
1. Always offer to bait your date's  hook, especially on the 1st date.
2. Be assertive. Let her know you're  interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the  bathroom wall 2 years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she's  expected back.  Some will say 10:00 PM, others might say "Monday." If the latter  is the answer, it's the man's responsibility to get her to school on  time.

THEATRE ETIQUETTE:
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and  picked up after the movie's ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on  the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS:
1. Livestock  is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5  seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A track  suit with a cummerbund and a clean football jumper can create a tacky  appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for the occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE:
1. Dim your headlights for approaching  vehicles, even if the gun's loaded and the pig's in sight.
2. When  approaching a round-about, the vehicle with the largest  tyres doesn't always  have the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct  tape.
4. Don't burn rubber while travelling in a funeral procession.
5.  When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's impolite to ask her  to bring back beer, too.


Title: Economics Lesson
Post by: rhychydwr1 on June 28, 2007, 02:11:16 pm
Economic Models explained – with cows

Socialism
You have two cows, so you give one to your neighbour.

Communism
You have two cows. The state takes both & gives you some milk.

Fascism
You have two cows. The State takes both & shoots you.

Bureaucratism
You have two cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then files the milk away.

Traditional Capitalism
You have two cows. You sell one & but a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them & retire on the income.

Surrealism
You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

An American Corporation
You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has
dropped dead.

Enron Venture Capitalism
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank.
You then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull

A French Corporation
You have two cows. You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads because you want three cows.

A Japanese Corporation
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called “Cowkimon” and market it worldwide.

A German Corporation
You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

An Italian Corporation
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You decide to have lunch.

A Russian Corporation
You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have two cows.. You stop counting cows because you're sobering up and open another bottle of vodka.

A Swiss Corporation
You have 5,000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge owners for storing them.

A China Corporation
You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

An Indian Corporation
You have two cows. You worship them.

A British Corporation
You have two cows. Both are mad.

An Iraqi Corporation.
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them you have none.. No-one believes you, so they bomb you and invade your country. You still have no cows, but at least you now you are part of democracy.

An Australian Corporation
You have two cows. Business seems pretty good. You close the office and go for a few beers.

A Welsh Corporation
You have two cows. The one on the left looks very attractive.

An Irish Corporation
You have two cows...or is it three? What matters? Aren't you well off to have even one?



Yes, I have heard this one before   :tease:
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: ken on June 28, 2007, 06:39:16 pm
Water vs. Wine


WATER

It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, after 12 months we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli bacteria found in feces.

In other words, we are consuming 2.2 pounds of poop per year.


WINE

We do not run that risk when drinking wine (or rum, whiskey, vodka, beer or other liquors) because alcohol has to go through a distillation process of boiling, filtering and fermenting.
WATER = Poop

WINE = HEALTH

FREE YOURSELF OF POOP ... DRINK WINE

It is better to drink wine and talk shit than it is to drink water and be full of shit.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information, I am doing it as a public service and because I have a kind heart

 :clap2: :clap2: :clap2:
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Burt on June 29, 2007, 11:29:51 am
I scrolled to the end of this thread to find a new joke but all I got was middle management shpeil. What's going on? :shrug:
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: wormster on June 29, 2007, 03:01:39 pm
Burt,

just for you:

(you'll need a couple o'mates and some paper & pencils)

THE DIY JOKE KIT:

A (insert victim here)

Walks into (chosen venue)

And asks for (Insert chosen item)

And gets in response (insert punchline here)

Nb: all of the above have a constant state randomness in themselves)

however if you come up with the answer handbag you have a warped sense of humor :lol:
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Mrs Trellis on June 29, 2007, 04:58:44 pm
Speaking Clock:-
 
Following a night out with a few friends, a man brought them back to show off his new flat. After the grand tour, the visitors were rather perplexed by the large gong taking pride of place in the lounge.

"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked.

"Why, that's my Speaking Clock" the man replied.

"How does it work?"

"I'll show you", the man said, giving the gong an ear-shattering blow with an unpadded hammer.

Suddenly, a voice from the other side of the wall screamed:
 "For ****sake, you *****, it's twenty to two in the ****ing morning!!"
Title: St Peter
Post by: rhychydwr1 on June 30, 2007, 02:14:22 pm
A woman dies and goes to heaven. She arrives at the pearly gates and is greeted by Saint Peter. There are a few people waiting, so she strikes up a conversation with him. Just then, she hears a blood curdling scream!

"What was that?" she asks.

"Oh, don't worry about that," says Saint Peter, "It's just someone getting a hole drilled in their head so they can be fitted for their halo".

A few seconds later, she hears another agonized scream, this one even more terrible than the one before. "What was that?!" she asked anxiously.

"Oh ,don't worry," says Saint Peter soothingly, "It's just someone getting holes drilled in their back so they can be fitted for their wings."

The lady starts to back away. "Where are you going?" asks Saint Peter.

"Well, if it's all the same to you .....I think I'll go downstairs," says the lady.

"But you shouldn't go to hell...," says the saint, "You'll be raped and sodomized!"

"That's OK," says the lady, "I've already got the holes for that."


Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: crazystaci on June 30, 2007, 10:58:27 pm
i have one joke it is rude so be warned,
a few nuns went in to a condom factory, the sorry souls thought they were making sleeping bags for mice
i thought it was funny when i first heard it  :-[

not that i got a dodgy mind or anything  :) :lol:
Title: THE IRISHMAN AND THE MORMON
Post by: rhychydwr1 on July 01, 2007, 08:58:57 am





THE IRISHMAN AND THE MORMON


A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.

The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice!!!!
 
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: ken on July 01, 2007, 05:16:27 pm
An elderly married couple were renovating the bedroom. In the back of the closet the husband found a box with 4 eggs and 25 Pounds.
“Darling, what this box doing here?”
She said to him “ you know honey, every time I was unfaithful to you I put an egg in the box”
Thinking to himself “aaah, 32 years of being married its ok” goes up to his wife hugs her and says “well darling, after 32 years I forgive you, but what with the money?”
She says after walking into the hall “every time I had a dozen eggs I sold them”
Title: The Bathtub Test
Post by: rhychydwr1 on July 03, 2007, 02:47:48 pm
The Bathtub Test

During a visit to a mental hospital, Gus asked the Director what was the criterion which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalised.

“Well” said the Doctor, “We fill a bath with water, offer the patient a bucket, a teaspoon or a mug and ask him or her to empty the bath in whichever way they want to.” 

“Oh, I understand”, said Gus.  A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the teaspoon and the teacup.”

“No!” said the Doctor, “A normal person would simply pull the plug and let the water out!  Do you want a bed near the window?”

(Did you pass… or do you want a bed next to Gus?)

Title: Blondes, not so thick as you may think
Post by: rhychydwr1 on July 03, 2007, 03:00:10 pm

A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a
long flight.

The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde
is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and tries
to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, that the game is a lot of fun. "I ask you a
question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only £5; you ask me
one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you £500."

This catches the blonde's attention; and, to keep him quiet, she
agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the
distance from the earth to the moon?"

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out
a £5 note, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a
hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references. He uses the
Air phone; he searches the Net and every other possible means including
sending e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail.

After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the
blonde and hands her £500.

The blonde takes the £500 and goes back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes her up
and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with
four?"




wait for it









The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer £5 and goes
back to sleep.







Title: Secretaries
Post by: rhychydwr1 on July 03, 2007, 03:03:25 pm
Three secretaries working in a solicitors office,

1st Sec: I just seen a packet of Condoms in the bosses draw.

2nd Sec: They were there last week and I made a hole in every one with a pin.

3rd Sec: ...............JUST FAINTED

Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: ken on July 04, 2007, 05:19:35 pm
A guy can't obtain an erection so he goes to the doctor. The doctor tells him the muscles at the base of his penis are broken down and there's nothing he can do unless he's willing to try an experimental surgery. The guy asks what the surgery is. The doctor tells him they take the muscles from the base of a baby elephants trunk, insert them in the base of his penis, and hope for the best. The guy says that sounds pretty scary but the thought of never having sex again is even scarier so go ahead. The doctor goes ahead and performs the surgery and about 6 weeks later gives him the go ahead to "try out his new equipment". The guy takes his girlfriend out to dinner. While at dinner he starts feeling an incredible pressure in his pants. It gets incredibly unbearable and he figures no one can see him so he undoes his pants. No sooner does he do this than his penis pops out of his pants, rolls across the table, grabs a dinner roll, and disappears back into his pants. His girlfriend sits in shock for a few moments, then gets a sly look on her face. She says "That was pretty cool! Can you do that again?" With his eyes watering and a painful expression on his face, he says "Probably, but I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my ass!".
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: ken on July 04, 2007, 05:24:15 pm
A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument   about who enjoyed sex more. The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?" "That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this...when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better-your ear or your finger?"
Title: Liverpool
Post by: rhychydwr1 on July 05, 2007, 03:02:49 pm
Liverpool airport was closed for four hours today
after police found a suspicious car parked outside.
It was taxed, insured and still had its radio.
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: wormster on July 05, 2007, 04:36:12 pm
From the archives of our maritime co-respondent:

During the French wars, the navy had a ship the Terrible fitting out in execution dock.

When an officer named Death was found on the active list, the association was too good resist and he was placed in command. The joke was further compounded when a Lieutenant Spirit was unearthed and also sent to join, to be followed by a surgeon called Ghost and a gunnery officer called Devil.

To complete the macabre arrangements, the ship was given a skeleton as a figurehead.

After a short and bitter engagement, she was captured by the French.
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: sherpa on July 08, 2007, 10:18:03 pm
Ha!  Another variation of the old HMS Friday tale.   ;)
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: wormster on July 09, 2007, 09:53:50 am
Ha!  Another variation of the old HMS Friday tale.   ;)

Yahooooo, somebody got it :lol:
Title: Did you get this one?
Post by: rhychydwr1 on July 10, 2007, 03:13:34 pm
One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of
the rascally behaviour that was going on.
So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to
Earth for a time.

When he returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on
Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not.
God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better
send down a second angel to get another opinion."

So God called another angel and sent him to Earth
for a time.
When the angel returned he went to God and said,
"Yes, it's true.
The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5%
are being good." God was not pleased.

So He decided to e-mail the 5% that were good,
because he wanted to encourage them, and give them a
little something to help them keep going.

Do you know what the e-mail said?







Okay, I was just wondering, because I didn't get one
either.


Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Walrus on July 10, 2007, 03:27:43 pm
Do you know what the e-mail said?

Yes, thank you.  :halo:
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Rob on July 13, 2007, 10:39:40 am
(http://www.talkphotography.co.uk/gallery/data/825/CeMented.png)
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: bat on July 13, 2007, 11:08:53 am
It might not be there van ! ;D
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: ttxela on July 13, 2007, 11:15:02 am
It might not be there van ! ;D

I still reckon you could get it out between those two bollards at the bottom of the picture......
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Mrs Trellis on July 13, 2007, 12:12:00 pm
The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Brits have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

It's not only the British and French that are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform" and "Sing Marching Songs"." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels. The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: ditzy on July 13, 2007, 09:13:45 pm
Q. What happened to the Pope when he went to Mount Olive?
A. Popeye almost killed him!

Q. How can you tell a head nurse?
A. She's the one with the dirty knees!

Q. What do you call hemorrhoids on a fag?
A. Speed bumps.

Q. What is the lightest thing in the world?
A. A penis...even a thought can raise it.

Q. What do gay kids get for Christmas?
A. Erection Sets.

Q. Where do fags park?
A. In the rear.

Q. Difference between a man buying a lottery ticket and a man fighting with his wife...
A. A man has a chance at winning at the lottery.

Q. What does a female snail say during crude sex?
A. Faster, faster, faster!

Q. What is the noisiest thing in the world?
A. Two skeletons screwing on a tin roof.

Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: graham on July 14, 2007, 08:13:30 pm
For Sale. One jeep cherokee, slight fire-damage, used for airport runs only. Interested? Contact Mustapha Skingraft.
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: ditzy on July 14, 2007, 09:22:24 pm
 :lol: :lol: :lol: :thumbsup:

Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: ken on July 15, 2007, 05:24:18 am
The difference between having Guts and having Balls...

Guts is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

Balls is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next."
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: ken on July 15, 2007, 05:26:50 am
There were these three farmers that wanted to win the state fair contest for having the largest hog. They decide that they should stick a cork in the pigs ass and feed him for a month before the fair. The only problem was that none of them wanted to be the one to stick the cork in. So they bought a monkey and trained him to stick corks in bottles. After a week or two of this, they stick the monkey in the pen with the pig and a cork, and after a minute, the monkey did what he was supposed to do. The farmers fed the pig for a month and sure enough, they won first prize. Once they got home, they realized they still had to take the cork out. So they trained this same monkey to take corks out of bottles. They stuck the monkey in the pen with the pig, and the farmers woke up three days later in the hospital with a reporter sitting next to them. The reporter asked the first farmer, "What is the last thing you remember?" "Shit flying everywhere," the farmer replied. The reporter asked the second farmer the same question and got the same response. When she got to the third farmer and asked him what he could remember, he started crying. The reporter asked, "What's the matter?" The farmer replied, "The last thing I remember is the look on the poor monkey's face as he tried to stick the cork back in."
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: ken on July 15, 2007, 05:30:34 am
The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"

The room really got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand. "Yes?" replied the teacher. "Is it alright if she carries a caving kit bag while we walk?"
Title: Its a laff a minute here
Post by: rhychydwr1 on July 15, 2007, 11:35:13 am




 
 
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young
mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even
named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests
itself in your child's name, Penny."

At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and
whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go."
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: wormster on July 17, 2007, 06:06:50 pm
I know its not even midweek, but, this is priceless:

Only the names and location has been changed to protect the innocent. This is a true story

Recently an old friend of the family Martin had to go into hospital in liverpool for a left hip replacement operation. He went in 24 hours before as requested. On the morning of the operation a surgeon's assistant came onto the ward with a whole load of patient notes and a magic marker. The assistant reached Martin's bed and began to mark Martin's leg up for the impending operation. Martin remarked to the assistant that he thought the assistant was a bit low for a hip replacement as he was writing on his RIGHT ankle. "My goodness you're right." replied the assistant when he briefly checked Martin's notes. He wrote WRONG in large capital letters over Martin's ankle, and began to mark up Martin's RIGHT hip. Martin then pointed out that he was having his LEFT hip replaced not his right. The assistant checked the notes again, and wrote WRONG in large capital letters over Martin's RIGHT hip. Finally after reading the notes correctly, the assistant marked the correct area of Marin's anatomy (his LEFT hip) and left the ward. Martin duly went to theater and had the correct hip replaced and is now in fine fettle once more.
Title: We Seniors
Post by: rhychydwr1 on July 18, 2007, 10:42:37 am
We Seniors are more valuable than any of the younger generations:
We have silver in our hair
We have gold in our teeth
We have stones in our kidneys
We have lead in our feet
And we are loaded with natural gas

Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Peter Burgess on July 18, 2007, 10:44:52 am
...
We have silver in our hair
We have gold in our teeth
...

Only if you still have hair or teeth.......
Title: More from West Wales
Post by: rhychydwr1 on July 18, 2007, 11:02:29 am
A  farmer was out on his Welsh hillside tending his flock one day, when
he saw a man drinking with a cupped hand from the stream which ran down
from one of his fields.

Realising the danger, he shouted over to the man

"Paid a yfed y dwr! Mae'n ych-y-fi!"  (Don't drink the water. It's
disgusting!)

The man at the stream lifted his head and put a cupped hand to his ear,
shrugged his shoulders at the farmer, and carried on drinking.

Realising the man at the stream couldn't hear him, the farmer moved
closer.

"Paid a yfed! Dwr ych-y-fi! Defaid yn cachu yn y dwr!" (Don't drink.
Water's disgusting. Sheep crap in the water.)

Still the walker couldn't hear the farmer. Finally the farmer walked
right up to the man at the stream and once again said

"Dwr yn ych-y-fi!  Paid a'i yfed!". (Water's disgusting. Don't drink
it!)

"I'm dreadfully sorry my good man, I couldn't understand a word you said
dear boy! Can't you speak English???" said the man at the stream in a
fine English accent;

"Oh I see," said the farmer. "I was just saying, if you use both hands
you can get more in..."

Title: stop or slow down
Post by: rhychydwr1 on July 18, 2007, 02:36:47 pm
A big city corporate lawyer runs a stop sign in a
small town in Tennessee, and gets pulled over by a
sheriff's deputy.  He thinks that he is smarter than
this hicktown deputy because he is a lawyer and is
certain that he has a better education.  He decides to
prove this to himself and have some fun at the
deputy's expense.


Deputy says, "License and registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What for?"

Deputy says, "Y'all didn't come to a complete stop at
the stop sign."

Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."


Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete
stop.    License and registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"


  Deputy says, "The difference is, y'all have to come
to complete stop, that's the law.   License and  registration, please!"



Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference
between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license
and registration; and you give me the ticket.  If not,
you let me go and don't give me the  ticket."

Deputy says, " sounds fair.  Exit your vehicle, sir."
  At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick
and starts beating the ever-loving crap out of the
lawyer and says, "Do y'all want me to stop or just
slow down?"

Title: Bracelet
Post by: rhychydwr1 on July 18, 2007, 04:02:23 pm
A lady walks into a high class jewellery shop. She browses
around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and  walks over to inspect
it. As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks
wind. Embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has
noticed her little accident and prays that a
Salesperson doesn't pop up right now. As she turns around, her
worst nightmare materialises in the form of a Salesman standing right
behind her. Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism,
the  Salesman greets the lady with,

"Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the Salesman may just  not
have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks,

"Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?"
He answers, "Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're
going to shit yourself when I tell you the price."
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: ditzy on July 19, 2007, 08:05:16 pm
Heard at the Wharton School.
Man walking along a road in the countryside comes across a shepherd and a huge flock of sheep. Tells the shepherd, "I will bet you $100 against one of your sheep that I can tell you the exact number in this flock." The shepherd thinks it over; it's a big flock so he takes the bet. "973," says the man. The shepherd is astonished, because that is exactly right. Says "OK, I'm a man of my word, take an animal." Man picks one up and begins to walk away.

"Wait," cries the shepherd, "Let me have a chance to get even. Double or nothing that I can guess your exact occupation." Man says sure. "You are an economist for a government think tank," says the shepherd. "Amazing!" responds the man, "You are exactly right! But tell me, how did you deduce that?"

"Well," says the shepherd, "put down my dog and I will tell you."
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: graham on July 20, 2007, 09:14:37 am
Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea, one called Justin and the other called Christian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.

Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."

A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted." Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.

Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed (as it invariably does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely.

All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.

Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.

He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail

(the punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse).

Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal.


"Where's Christian?" he asked. "He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark," came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, He set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back.

He banged on the door and shouted: "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."

Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."

Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed........."












I've found Cod and I'm a prawn again Christian!
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: anfieldman on July 20, 2007, 09:36:05 am
Groan.
Title: Civil Service
Post by: rhychydwr1 on July 30, 2007, 11:09:30 am
A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job. The
interviewer asks him, "Have you been in the service?"

"Yes," he says. "I was in Vietnam for three years."

The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward
employment" and then asks, "Are you disabled in any way?

The guy says, "Yes 100%... a mortar round exploded near me and
blew my testicles off."

The interviewer tells the guy, "O. K. I can hire you right
now. The hours are from 8:00 A. M. to 4:00 P. M. You can start
tomorrow.  Come in at 10:00 A. M."

The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8:00 A. M.
to 4:00 P. M. then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 A. M.?"

"This is a government job" the interviewer says.  For the first
two hours we stand around scratching our balls.  No point in you coming
in for that."

Title: Chinese Surprise
Post by: rhychydwr1 on August 01, 2007, 02:12:21 pm
A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken Surprise."
The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

  "Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.
He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot.

He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down. Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.

"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"
The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."

"Ah! So solly," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck!"
 
Go down well when washed down with a bottle of oak aged ale?    :yucky:
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: anfieldman on August 01, 2007, 09:11:38 pm
A man getting along in years finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He
finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to
work. Finally, as a last hope, the doctor refers him to an African medicine
man. The medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that said, he throws a
white powder into a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.
 
Then he says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year.
All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"
 
The man then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to
continue?"
 
The medicine man replies: "When your partner can take no more sex and is
completely raddled, all she has to say is '1234', and it will then go down.
But be warned: The pork swordsman will not rise again for another year."
 
The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers. That night he
showers, shaves, and smothers himself in aftershave. He slides into
bed,cuddles up to his wife, says "123" and suddenly he has the most gigantic
stiffie ever, just as the medicine man promised.…..

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*
*

His wife turns over and asks: "What did you say '123' for?"



Title: Irish Vacation Time
Post by: rhychydwr1 on August 02, 2007, 09:31:36 am
Sean and Billy were talking one afternoon when Sean tells Billy,
"Y'know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm
gonna do it a little different.  The last few years, I took your advice
about where to go.

Three years ago, you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and
Bridget got pregnant.

Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and
Bridget got pregnant again.

Last year you suggested Tahiti and damned if Bridget didn't get
pregnant again."

Billy asks Sean, "So, what you gonna do this year that's
different?"

Sean says, "This year I'm taking Bridget with me."
Title: Ten facts of life
Post by: rhychydwr1 on August 02, 2007, 09:38:11 am

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

3. Those that live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

4. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

5. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

6. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.

7. The things that come to those who wait will be the scraggly junk left by those who got there first.

8. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

9. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

10. When you go into court, you are putting yourself into the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.


Title: Do you remember?
Post by: rhychydwr1 on August 04, 2007, 09:14:39 am

Do you remember?

It's enough to make you wonder whether nostalgia today is as good as it was.....

ACCORDING to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us .who were kids m the60s, 70s and early 80s probably shouldn't have survived.Why? Because: our cots were covered with brightly coloured coloured lead-based paint which was promptly chewed and licked.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles or latches on kitchen cabinet doors and it was fine to play with pans.

When we rode our bikes, we wore no helmets, just flip-flops and fluorescent spokey dokeys on our wheels.

As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or airbags - riding in the passenger seat was a treat.

We drank water from the garden hose, not from a bottle and it tasted the same.

We ate chips, bread and butter pudding and drank fizzy juice with sugar in it, but we were never overweight because we were always outside playing.

We shared one drink with four friends, from one bottle or can and no one actually died from this.

We would spend hours building go-karts out of scrap and then went top speed down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into stinging nettles a-few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We would leave home in the morning and could play all day, as long as we were back before it got dark. No one was able to reach us and no one minded.

We did not have PlayStation orX-Box, no video games at all. No 99channels on TV, no video tape movies, no surround sound, no mobile phones, no personal computers, no DVDs, no internet chatrooms.

We had friends - we went outside and found them and played elastics and rounders, and sometimes that ball really hurt!

We fell out of trees, got cut, and broke bones but there were no law suits. We had full-on fist flights but no prosecution followed from other parents.

We walked to our friends' homes. We also, believe it or not, walked to school; we didn't rely on mummy or daddy to drive us to school, which was just round the corner.

We made up games with sticks and tennis balls.

We rode bikes in pack sof seven and wore our coats by only the hood

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law.

This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and problem solvers and inventors, ever. The past50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.

We bad freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all. And you're one of them. Congratulations! Pass this good news on to others who have had the luck to grow as real kids, before lawyers and government regulated our lives, for our own good.
For those of you who aren't old enough, thought you might like to read about us. This, my friends, is quite frightening... and it might put a smile on your face: The majority of students in universities today were born in 1986.

They have never heard of We are the World, We are the children, and the Uptown Girl they know is by Westlife not Billy Joel. They have never heard of Rick Astley, Bananarama, Small Faces, Dave, Dee, Dozy, Beeky, Mick and Titch

For them, there has always been only one Germany and one Vietnam. Aids has existed since they were born. CDs have existed since they were born. Michael Jackson has always been white. To them John Travolta has always been that shape and they can't imagine how this fat guy could be a god of dance. They believe that Charlie's Angels and Mission Impossible are films from last year.  They can never imagine life before computers. They've never pretended to be the ATeam or the Famous Five.They've  never applied to be on Jim'11Fte It or Why Don't You.. ?They can't believe black and white TV ever existed and don't know how to switch on the telly without a remote control. And they phone and text and phone and text and phone and text. Now let's check if we're getting old:

1. You understand what was written above and you smile.
2. You need to sleep more, usually until the afternoon, after a night out.
3. Your friends are getting married/already
married/re-marrying.
4. You are always surprised to see small children playing comfortably with computers.
5. When you see teenagers with mobile phones, you shake your head.
6. You remember watching Dirty Den in EastEnders the first time around.
7. You meet your friends from tune to time, talking about the good old days repeating again all the funny things you have experienced together.
8. Having read this, you are thinking of cutting it out and sending it to some old friends because you think they will like it too. Yes, you're getting old.


Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Mrs Trellis on August 04, 2007, 10:20:19 pm
What do you call a man with a small penis?

Justin
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: anfieldman on August 05, 2007, 07:53:03 pm
Why should you not have sex with a retarded dwarf?......


Because it's not big and it's not clever.

Title: Letter home from Marine Corp Recruit
Post by: rhychydwr1 on August 11, 2007, 04:30:16 pm
Letter home from Marine Corp Recruit


Dear Ma and Pa,

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the

Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to
join up Quick before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly? 6am
but I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before
breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No Hogs to slop, feed to
pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.
Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water.

Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc.,
but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak,? fried eggplant, pie,
and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two
city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you until noon when
you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.

We go on "route marches," which the platoon sergeant says are long
walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different.
A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the
city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

The country is nice but awful flat. The sergeant is like a School
Teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board.
Majors and Colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you
none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals
for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a Chipmunk
head? and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like The Higgett Boys at home.
All? you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load
your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to
wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real
easy.
It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they
got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat
him
once.
He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and
he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers
get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,
Alice



Title: If Airlines Sold Paint
Post by: Peter Burgess on August 22, 2007, 02:39:40 pm
Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?

Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things.

Customer: Can you give me a guess? Is there an average price? 

Clerk: Our lowest price is £12 a litre, and we have 60 different prices up to £200 a litre.

Customer: What's the difference in the paint?
 
Clerk: Oh, there isn't any difference; it's all the same paint.
 
Customer: Well, then I'd like some of that £12 paint.
 
Clerk: When do you intend to use the paint?

Customer: I want to paint tomorrow. It's my day off.

Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the £200 paint.

Customer: When would I have to paint to get the £12 paint?

Clerk: You would have to start very late at night in about 3 weeks. But you will have to agree to start painting before Friday of that week and continue painting until at least Sunday.

Customer: You've got to be kidding!

Clerk: I'll check and see if we have any paint available.

Customer: You have shelves FULL of paint! I can see it!

Clerk: But it doesn't mean that we have paint available. We sell only a certain number of litres on any given weekend. Oh, and by the way, the price per litre just went to £16. We don't have any more £12 paint.

Customer: The price went up as we were talking?
 
Clerk: Yes, sir. We change the prices and rules hundreds of times a day, and since you haven't actually walked out of the store with your paint yet, we just decided to change. I suggest you purchase your paint as soon as possible. How many litres do you want?
 
Customer: Well, maybe five litres. Make that six, so I'll have enough.
 
Clerk: Oh no, sir, you can't do that. If you buy paint and don't use it, there are penalties and possible confiscation of the paint you already have.
 
Customer: WHAT?
 
Clerk: We can sell enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the bedroom, you will lose your remaining litres of paint.
 
Customer: What does it matter whether I use all the paint? I already paid you for it!
 
Clerk: We make plans based upon the idea that all our paint is used, every drop. If you don't, it causes us all sorts of problems.
 
Customer: This is crazy!! I suppose something terrible happens if I don't keep painting until after Saturday night!
 
Clerk: Oh yes! Every litre you bought automatically becomes the £200 paint.
 
Customer: But what are all these, "Paint on sale from £10 a liter" signs?
 
Clerk: Well that's for our budget paint. It only comes in half-litres. One £5 half-litre will do half a room. The second half-litre to complete the room is £20. None of the cans have labels, some are empty and there are no refunds, even on the empty cans.

Customer: To hell with this! I'll buy what I need somewhere else!
 
Clerk: I don't think so, sir. You may be able to buy paint for your bathroom and bedrooms, and your kitchen and dining room from someone else, but you won't be able to paint your connecting hall and stairway from anyone but us. And I should point out, sir, that if you paint in only one direction, it will be £300 a litre.
 
Customer: I thought your most expensive paint was £200!

Clerk: That's if you paint around the room to the point at which you started. A hallway is different.

Customer: And if I buy £200 paint for the hall, but only paint in one direction, you'll confiscate the remaining paint.
 
Clerk: No, we'll charge you an extra use fee plus the difference on your next litre of paint. But I believe you're getting it now, sir.
 
Customer: You're insane!
 
Clerk: Thanks for painting with xxxxxx Airways.
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Billy Butcombe on August 24, 2007, 12:32:29 pm
Maria had just got married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous.

But her mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you."

So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest."

"Don't worry, Maria," says the mother," all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."

So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairylegs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!"

"Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you."

So up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!"

"Stay here and stir the pasta," says the mother. "This is a job for Mama."

Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: rhychydwr1 on August 30, 2007, 02:28:01 pm
A man speaks frantically into the phone,

"My  wife is pregnant, and he contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.

"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her *husband*!"

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Australian, Englishman and Irish man in a Pub. Hot sunny day, cold beer and all are relaxed.

Aussie says "great! but back home there is a bar where the barman buys you your 5th beer once you've bought your fourth"

Well says the Englishman, back in Manchester my local has a buy 2 and get one free policy"

Aah! says the Irishman, in Dublin theres a bar where you get free drinks as soon as you walk in and they keep them coming all evening.Then they take you upstairs and you get non stop sex all night".

"What, youve actually experienced this yourself"? says the Aussie.

Well "no" says the Irishman " but me sister has"!

Title: No wonder I'm so tired.....
Post by: rhychydwr1 on August 30, 2007, 02:32:17 pm
No wonder I'm so tired.....

I've been blaming it on age, poor blood, lack of vitamins, air pollution, saccharin, obesity, dieting, and other maladies that make you wonder if life, really is worth living.

But I found out it ain't that. I'm tired because I'm over-worked.

1. The population of this country is 4 million.

2. 1 million are retired.

3. That leaves 3 million to do the work.

4. There are 1 million in school and college.

5. That leaves 2 million to do the work.

6. 250,000 are unemployed and 750,000 are employed by the Government.

7. That leaves 1 million to do the work.

8. 200,000 are in the armed forces, Aer Rianta and Aer Lingus,leaving 800,000 to do the work.

9. 200,000 are employed by the county council leaving 600,000 to do the work.

10. There are 420,000 people in hospital and 179,998 in prison.

11. That leaves 2 people to do the work.

You and me.

And you're sitting on your arse reading this.

No wonder I'm so tired!!

Title: Anagrams
Post by: rhychydwr1 on August 30, 2007, 02:38:15 pm
 :o   This is interesting and thought provoking!!

An Anagram, as you all know, is a word or phrase made by transposing or rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. The following are exceptionally clever. But, someone out there either has far too much time to waste or is deadly  at Scrabble. Wait till you see the last one!

Dormitory When you rearrange the letters: Dirty Room

Evangelist When you rearrange the letters:  Evil's Agent

Desperation When you rearrange the letters:   A Rope Ends It

The Morse Code    When you rearrange the letters: Here Come Dots

Slot Machines When you rearrange the letters:    Cash Lost in 'em

Animosity When you rearrange the letters:  Is No Amity

Mother-in-law When you rearrange the letters:  Woman Hitler

Snooze Alarms When you rearrange the letters: Alas! No More Z's

A Decimal Point When you rearrange the letters: I'm a Dot in Place

The Earthquakes    When you rearrange the letters: That Queer Shake

Eleven plus two When you rearrange the letters:  Twelve plus one

And for the grand finale:

PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA    It can be rearranged (with no letters left over, and using each>letter only once) into:

   TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS

Title: National Art Gallery in Dublin
Post by: rhychydwr1 on September 01, 2007, 09:57:28 am

At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife
were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The
painting depicted 3 black men totally naked, sitting on a park
bench. Two of the figures had black willies, but the one in the
middle had a pink willy.


The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble
interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment. He
went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the
sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white,
patriarchal society.

?

"In fact", he pointed out, "some serious critics
believe that the pink willy also reflects the cultural and sociological
oppression experienced by
gay men in contemporary society".


After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said,
"Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"



"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of
the gallery?", asked the couple.



"Because I'm the guy who painted the picture," he replied. "In
fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all. They're
just three Irish coal miners.



The guy in the middle went home for lunch."







Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: BAZZA666 on September 03, 2007, 12:38:49 pm
A woman was rushed into hospital 2day when she became unwell after phone sex !! Doctors managed 2 remove 1 motorola 2 nokias and a samsung....no siemen was found !  :lol:
Title: 11 PEOPLE ON A ROPE
Post by: rhychydwr1 on September 04, 2007, 09:53:38 am

11 PEOPLE ON A ROPE

Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and
one woman.

The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided
that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall.
They weren't able to name that person, until the woman gave a very
touching speech.

She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a
woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids
or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with
little in return. As soon as she finished her speech, all the men
started clapping.       



SEND THIS MAIL TO AN INTELLIGENT WOMAN, SO THAT SHE HAS
SOMETHING TO SMILE ABOUT TODAY




Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Les W on September 04, 2007, 05:47:27 pm
A man was in a long line at his local Tesco store. As he got to the
register  he realized he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the
checkout girl  if she could have some brought up to the register.

She asked, 'What size condoms?

The customer replied that he didn't know.

She asked him to drop his trousers.  He did.

She reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the
intercom, 'One box of large condoms, Till 5.

The next man in line thought this was interesting, and like most of us,
was up for a cheap thrill. When he got up to the register, he told the
checker that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could
have some brought to the register for him.

She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know.

She asked him to drop his trousers.  He did.

She gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said, 'One box of
medium-sized condoms, Till 5.

A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had seen
was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live
female, so he thought this was his chance.

When he got to the till he told the checker he needed some condoms.

She asked him what size and he said he didn't know.

She asked him to drop  his trousers and he did.

She reached over the counter, gave him a quick squeeze then picked  up the intercom and said.................................












Mop and bucket, Till 5 !
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: hoehlenforscher on September 05, 2007, 08:58:30 pm
Don't be smart with the Glasgow Coppers

A London 4x4'r runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow
copper .
He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a London 4x4'r from London and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop.
He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!


Glasgow cop says," License and registration, please."
London 4x4'r says, "What for?"
Glasgow cop says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop
sign."
London 4x4'r says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Glasgow cop says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License
and registration, please."
London 4x4'r says, "What's the difference?"
Glasgow cop says, "The difference is, you have to come to complete
stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"
London 4x4'r says, "If you can show me the legal difference between
slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you
give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the
ticket."
Glasgow cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."


The London 4x4'r exits his vehicle. The Glasgow cop takes out his
baton and starts beating the f*ck out of the 4x4'r and says,
"Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Mr Fell on September 06, 2007, 06:30:44 am
Dont you just love gadgets !

http://newsbiscuit.com/article/halfords-launch-tourettes-sat-nav-190
Title: Death of an Irishman
Post by: rhychydwr1 on September 06, 2007, 10:17:15 am
Two Irishmen, Patrick Murphy and Shawn O'Brian grew up together and were
lifelong friends. But alas, Patrick now quite old was dying.

While on his deathbed, Patrick called to his buddy Shawn, "O'Brian, come
'ere. I 'ave a request for ye." Shawn walked to his friend's bedside
and knelt.

"Shawny ole boy, we've been friends all our very long lives, and now I'm
leaving 'ere. I 'ave one last request fir ye to do."


O'Brian burst into tears, "Anything Patrick, anything ye wish. It's
done."

"Well, under me bed is a box containing a bottle of the finest whiskey
in all of Ireland. Bottled the year I was born it was. After I die, and
they plant me in the ground, I want you to pour that fine whiskey over
me grave so it might soak into me bones and I'll be able to enjoy it for
all eternity."

O'Brian was overcome by the beauty and in the true Irish spirit of his
friend's request. He said, "Aye, 'tis a fine thing you ask of me. I
will pour the whiskey. But, a question for you. Might I just strain it
through  me kidneys first?"
Title: Mr Bush
Post by: rhychydwr1 on September 06, 2007, 10:23:02 am
   George W. Bush goes to an Elementary school to talk to the kids to get a little PR.

   After his speech he offers question time. One little boy puts up>his hand and George W. asks him for his name.

   " Stanley," responds the little boy.

   "And what is your question, Stanley ?
   "Actually, I have 4 questions:
   First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?
   Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?
   Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden
   Fourth, why are we so worried about gay-marriage when 1/2 of all Americans don't have health insurance?
   Just that moment, the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.

   After recess George W. says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?"

   Another little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him his name.

   "Little Johnnie" he responds.

   "And what is your question, Little Johnnie?"
   "Actually Sir, I have 6 questions:
   First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of theUN?
   Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?
   Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?
   Fourth, why are we so worried about gay marriage when 1/2 of all Americans don't have health insurance?
   Fifth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
   And sixth, what the F... happened to Stanley ?"


Title: Another Blonde Joke - Sigh!
Post by: rhychydwr1 on September 07, 2007, 12:06:51 pm
A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.
After sitting there for a while he yells to the waiter,
'Hey, you, Want to hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep,
husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that
joke sir,  I think it is only fair -- given that you are blind -- that
you should know five things:


1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.


Now, think about it seriously Mister. Do you still wanna
tell that joke?'




The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,








'No... Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times




Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Brains on September 12, 2007, 09:24:24 am
Heard that the French are producing a new people carrier... so roomy you dont even know the kids are in the back. Its going to be called the....






Renault "McCann"


(Taxi to hell for one please....)
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: ditzy on September 15, 2007, 09:40:25 am
Rubix Cube & Penis  


Q. What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?

A. The longer you play with them, the harder they get.
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Mr Fell on September 16, 2007, 03:06:33 pm
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do, Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.

"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do
you want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."  :lol:
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Mrs Trellis on September 17, 2007, 10:49:37 am
The science teacher stood in the front of the class and said,
"Children, if you could have one raw material in the world, what would it be?"
Little Darren raised his hand and said
 "I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Ferrari."

The teacher nodded, and then she called on little Olivia.
Little Olivia said,
"I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Lamborghini."

The teacher smiled, and then she called on little Johnny.
Little Johnny stood up and said,
"I would want silicone."
The teacher said, "Silicone? Why silicone, little Johnny?"

"Because my big sister has two bags of the stuff and you should see all the sports cars outside our house!"
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: AndyF on September 18, 2007, 08:44:08 am
(http://i70.photobucket.com/albums/i92/andyf10/NorthernRock.gif)

Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: rhychydwr1 on September 24, 2007, 02:22:36 pm
One night , after the couple had retired for the night, the woman
became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual
manner. He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the
small of her back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them
very lightly. Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her
side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other
side to a point below her waist. He continued on, gently feeling
her hips, first one side and then the other. His hand ran further
down the outside of her thighs. His gentle probing then started up
the inside of her left thigh, stopped and then returned to do the
same to her right thigh.By this time the woman was becoming aroused
and she squirmed a little to better position herself. The man
stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed." Why are
you stopping darling?" she whispered. He whispered back, " I found
the remote!

Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: rhychydwr1 on September 24, 2007, 02:28:19 pm
A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot.


The doctor comes in and says 'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be OK, you'll walk again, everything, but something happened. I'm trying to break this gently but your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it.'


Now the bloke groans a bit but the doctor goes on, 'You've got £9000 compensation coming to you and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did, better in fact. But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's a thousand pounds an inch.'


The bloke perks up at this.


'So the thing is' the doctor says, 'it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before and you decide to go for a nine incher she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.'


So the bloke agrees to talk with his wife and the doctor comes back the next day.


'So,' says the doctor 'Have you spoken with your wife?'


'I have,' says the fellow.


'And has she helped you in making the decision?'


'She has,' says the bloke.


'And what is it?' asks the doctor. .

 


'We're having a new kitchen!

Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Walrus on September 24, 2007, 03:34:44 pm
How much is a new kitchen?
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: paulf on September 24, 2007, 06:30:47 pm
Little Johnny whist walking past his Parents room he see his old man Shagging the life out his Mum, on seeing him his Dad throws a pillow at him and tells him to sling his hook.

After about Ten minutes there a loud commotion coming from Johnnies room. His Dad runs in to see Johnny Fucking his Nan  :o

Little Johnny looks over and Says "It's not so Funny when it's your Mum is it"
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: wormster on September 24, 2007, 07:38:36 pm
2 rats in a sewer:

1st rat "I'm fed up!"

2nd rat "Why?"

1st rat "Well I mean, we get shit for breakfast, shit for lunch and shit for supper."

2nr rat "Oh don't worry we can go out on the piss later."
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Peter Burgess on September 24, 2007, 07:42:52 pm
How much is a new kitchen?

Ask ttxela - He's had one fitted in his new tent.

(http://img167.imageshack.us/img167/647/summerbirthday07007cl5.jpg)

I definitely wouldn't want to carry it far, once you've got it all in the bag it's almost impossible to lift on your own.

 :coffee:
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: derekpotter on September 24, 2007, 09:21:53 pm
How much is a new kitchen?
About a foot.
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Brains on September 25, 2007, 03:51:21 pm
Can anyone help with my new computer game? It keeps crashing after only a couple of minutes for no apparent reason. It's the "Colin Macrae flight simulator..."


(Is my Taxi to hell here yet?... :shrug:)
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: anfieldman on September 25, 2007, 07:55:18 pm
Will they be holding a minutes silence in tribute to Marcel Marceau??????
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: wormster on September 26, 2007, 05:24:11 pm
A young farm couple, Homer and Darlene, got married and Darlene just couldn't Seem to get enough lovin'.

In the morning, before Homer left the house for the fields, they made love. When Homer came back from the fields, they made love. After supper, they made love. And again at bedtime, they made love.

The problem was it took Homer a half hour to travel home and another half hour to return to the fields and he just wasn't getting enough work done.

Finally Homer asked the town doctor what to do. "Homer," said the doctor, "just take your rifle out to the fields with
you and when you're in the mood, fire off a shot into the air. That will be Darlene's signal to come out to you. Then you won't lose any field time."

They tried Doc's advice and it worked well for a while until one day when Homer came back to the doctor's office.

"What's wrong?" asked the Doc. "Didn't my idea work?"

"Oh, it worked good," said Homer. "Whenever I was in the mood, I fired off a shot like you said and Darlene'd come runnin'. We'd find a secluded place, make love, and then she'd go back home again."

"Good, Homer. So what's the problem?" asked the Doc.

"Ah might'a trained her too good. I ain't seen her since huntin' season started!"
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: paulf on September 28, 2007, 07:02:34 pm
A South American scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, Has discovered that people with insufficient brain and sexual activity Read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.









Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late..... :o
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: anfieldman on September 28, 2007, 11:58:13 pm
Tony was chatting to his mate in the pub one day.
'Ere' says Tony. 'Did you hear about that bird who played Pussy Galore in the James Bond film? She split her fanny wide open!'


His mate says 'Honor Blackman?'












'No' says Tony. 'On a big dildo'.

Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Mark on September 29, 2007, 08:52:19 pm
Late last Saturday night; a young chap was walking home from a club.

It was a cold, wet, windy evening, and he was tired and freezing.

Most of the streetlights in the area were broken, and the silence was only broken by the occasional sound of a stray cat sifting through a dustbin.

Then suddenly he heard a strange noise.......

startled by this, he turned, and to his amazement, through the driving rain, he saw the faint outline of a large box turning into his road.

He froze to the spot, he couldn't believe his eyes, as the box approached from the shadows, he was able to make out its shape more clearly....

It was a coffin

Not wanting anything to do with this, he put his head down and started walking briskly home.

he could feel the coffin gaining on him, he started walking faster...........

The coffin was closing with his every step, he started to jog, but he heard the coffin speed up after him......

He started to sprint, but so did the coffin .......
 
Eventually he made it to his front door, but he knew the coffin was only seconds behind. Fumbling around in his pocket, he pulled out his keys, his hand trembling, he managed to open the lock, he dived inside slamming the front door behind him.

He shot into his front room, and slumped into his comfy chair.
Suddenly there was a loud crash, as the coffin smashed its way through the front door.

The force of the impact broke the lock off the coffin allowing the lid to swing freely on its rusty hinges as it continued its chase.....

In horror the young lad fled again, as fast as his shaking legs could take him he bolted upstairs to the bathroom and locked the door........

The coffin again gave chase up the stairs, across the landing and launched itself at the bathroom door. With an almighty smash, the bathroom door flew off its hinges.....

The coffin stood in the doorway, then started to approach the young terrified lad.

In a last ditch attempt to save his skin, he reached for his bathroom cabinet......

He grabbed a bar of Imperial Leather soap and threw it at the coffin.........still it came ........

He grabbed his can of Lynx deodorant and threw it .....still it came

He grabbed his first aid kit and threw it ......still it came......

He grabbed some Benalin cough mixture and threw it........















The coffin stopped


Title: The Electric Chair
Post by: rhychydwr1 on October 02, 2007, 09:35:43 am
Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation.
They get drunk and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be
executed in the morning - though none of them can remember what they did
the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and Is asked
 if she has any last words. She says, "I just graduated from Trinity
Bible College and believe in the power of God to intervene on the behalf
of the innocent." They throw the switch and nothing happens.

They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for
forgiveness, and release her.

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words. "I
 just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power
of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." They throw the
switch and again, nothing happens.

Again, they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness,
and release her.

 The last one (you know it), a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well,
 I'm from the University of Texas and just graduated with a degree in
 Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell ya right now, ya'll ain't gonna
 electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in!"


Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Bob Smith on October 02, 2007, 10:06:20 am
I thought i'd found the great snowman burial grounds last week :bounce:, turns out is was a field of carrots.  :shrug:
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: pete h on October 05, 2007, 10:23:42 pm
A vampire bat arrives back at the roost with his face full of blood.All the bats get excited and ask where he got it from. follow me he says. Off they flew around the chamber, up the passage towards the entrance. See that gate the fucking bat bothers put there, he says, yes they all say, WELL I DID'NT
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: paulf on October 05, 2007, 11:50:22 pm
What did the Slug say to the Snail ?











BIG ISSUE !!
Title: I'D LOVE TO BE EIGHT AGAIN
Post by: rhychydwr1 on October 13, 2007, 01:17:30 pm
I'D LOVE TO BE EIGHT AGAIN

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.
"I'd love to be eight again" she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he arose early and made her a
bowl of Coco Pops and jammy toasties!

He took her to Alton Towers and put her on every ride in the park:
* The Death Slide
* The Wall of Fear
* The Screaming Monster Roller Coaster

Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her
head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away they
journeyed to a McDonalds where her loving husband ordered her a Happy

Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate milk shake .

Then it was off to the movies: the latest Kiddies three hour epic cartoon, a
hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, her favourite lolly and M&Ms
What a fabulous adventure!


Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed onto
the bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile
and lovingly asked "Well dear, what was it like being eight again?"


Her eyes slowly opened and her expression changed to one of total
realisation..."I meant my dress size, you f*cking tw*t !!!"

 


The moral of this story: Even when a man is listening, he's still
gonna get it wrong.....
 
 

Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: ditzy on October 15, 2007, 02:14:13 pm
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is Politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the family, so call me The President.

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.

The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.

And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep. Not wan ting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and see s his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."

The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep kaka.

Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Greg Jones on October 17, 2007, 11:35:31 am
How a marriage works


all men should read this.

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies .

So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."

"Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife.

"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I' m going to have a beer."

The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?"

She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan , India ,etc.


The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses..."


He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying,


"You want a frozen glass, puppy face?"

She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the Bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"

You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

"But my sweet honey... At the bar... You know...there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."


"You want dirty words, Dickhead? Drink your f***ing beer in your Goddamn frozen mug and eat your motherf***ing snacks, because you are Married now, and you aren't f***ing going anywhere! Got it, Asshole?"


........and, they lived happily ever after.


Now, isn't that a sweet story?
Title: Centipede
Post by: rhychydwr1 on October 19, 2007, 03:05:40 pm
 I'm feeling a  I wanted to buy an unusual pet.

After some discussion, I finally bought a Centipede which came  in a  little white box to use for his house.

I took the box back home, found a good location for it, and decided I  would start off by taking my new pet to the pub to have a drink.


So, I asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go down the Queen's Head with me and have a beer?" But there was no answer. 

This bothered me a bit, but I waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the pub for a drink?"

But again, there was no answer from my new friend and pet.

So, I waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.

I decided to ask him one more time; this time putting my face up  against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to the Queen's Head and have a drink with me?"

A little voice came out of the box:...........................................


























"I heard you the first time! I'm putting my f***ng shoes on."











Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Mr Fell on October 20, 2007, 01:44:11 pm
In 2022 Jeff and Lucy landed on Mars after accumulating enough air miles.
They met a Martian couple and were talking about all sorts of things.
Jeff asked if Mars had a stock market, if they had laptop computers, and how they made money.
Finally, Lucy brought up the subject of sex. "Just how do you guys do it?" asked Lucy.
The male Martian responded, "Pretty much the way you do."
A discussion ensued, and finally the couples decided to swap partners
for the night. Lucy and the male Martian went off to a bedroom where
the Martian stripped.
Lucy was disappointed to find that he had a teeny weenie, about an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.
"I don't think this is going to work," said Lucy.
"Why he asked. "What's the matter?"
"Well," Lucy replied, "it's just not long enough to reach me!"
"No problem," he said, and proceeded to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap, his member grew until it was impressively long.
"Well," Lucy said, "that's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow."
"No problem, "he said, and started pulling his ears.
With each pull, his member grew wider and wider.
"Wow!" Lucy exclaimed.
They fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.
The next day, the couple joined their normal partners and went their separate ways.
As they walked along, Jeff asked, "Well, was it any good?"
"I hate to say it," said Lucy, "but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?"
"It was horrible, "Jeff replied. "All I got was a headache. She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."
Title: Opticians, bless 'em
Post by: rhychydwr1 on October 22, 2007, 03:03:42 pm
My mate went to the Opticians the other day and was warned to stop masturbating,
"send me blind will it" he asked. "No" says the Optician, "it’s
just upsetting everyone in the waiting room"
Title: Funny senior moments.....enjoy
Post by: rhychydwr1 on October 23, 2007, 02:24:29 pm

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning.  Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, '"Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" Mabel answered, "I have a suppository in my ear?"  She pulled it out and stared at it.
Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing.
Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid."





When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea.
No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea." Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was."






An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . please advise." The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."





A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.  They hear a faint moan.  They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies.  Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket.  As they carry the casket towards the d oor, the husband cries out, "Watch that wall!"




When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee."
I said, "Well, then why are you crying?"  She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon.

I said, "Well, why are you crying?"  She said, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m."  I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?"  She said, "I can't remember where I live!"





Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her.  For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.  Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"



THE SENILITY PRAYER
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.





Now, I think you're supposed to send this to 5 or 6, or is it maybe 10 ??
Oh hell, send it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are. Then something is supposed to happen.....I think ???


Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Basher on October 23, 2007, 09:19:36 pm
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to
process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter
came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address.
He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read:

Dear God,

I am an 93 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday
someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the money I
had until my next pension cheque. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had
invited my only living friend over for dinner. Without that money, I have
nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my
only hope. Can you please help me?

Sincerely,

Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other
workers.. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few
quid. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected £95, which they
put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all
the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would
be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from
the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the
letter was opened. It read:

Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of
your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friend.
We had a very nice day and I told my friend of your wonderful gift.

By the way, there was £5 missing. I think it was those b*stards at the Post Office.
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Basher on October 23, 2007, 09:27:35 pm
On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.
One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.

Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.

Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.

Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.
Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.
After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.

The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!
The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.
Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing and he would then lift him out of the pit.

The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story? (yep, you betcha, there IS a moral)! "When You're Hung Like A Horse,
You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks",
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Cave_Troll on October 24, 2007, 11:32:07 am
A 5 year old in Morroco has a new baby sister and so ask her mother "where do babies come from?"
her mother knew this would come up and is prepared to answer "Portugal"
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: rhychydwr1 on October 25, 2007, 09:32:00 am
Ahmed and Hamid are both beggars at several motorway services.

 

Ahmed drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house, and has a lot of

money to spend.

 

Hamid only brings in 2 to 3 pounds a day.

 

Hamid asks Ahmed how he manages to bring home a suitcase full of £10 notes

every day.

 

Ahmed says; Look at your sign, it says, "I have no work, a wife and six

kids to support."

 

Britons who see that do not feel as if they accomplish anything by giving

you money.

 

You will still have no job and a large family.

 

Now look at my sign.

 

So Hamid looks and Ahmed's sign reads,

 

"I only need another £10 to move back to Pakistan"

 

Title: One for the girls
Post by: rhychydwr1 on October 25, 2007, 09:59:35 am
This is an actual letter sent to American company Proctor and Gamble
regarding their feminine products.  She really gets rolling after the
first paragraph...


Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years
and I appreciate many of their features.  Why, without the Leak Guard
Core(tm) or Dri-Weave(tm) absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback
riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and
down the beach in tight, white shorts.  But my favourite feature has to
be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings.  Kudos on being the only company
smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic.
I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's
a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher?  Ever suffered from
'the curse'?  I'm guessing you haven't.  Well, my 'time of the month' is
starting right now.  As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces
violently surging through my body.  Just a few minutes from now, my body
will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call
'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.'  Isn't the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen
quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers'
monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'.  Therefore, you must know about the
bloating, puffiness and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood
swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behaviour.  You surely realize
it's a tough time for most women.  In fact, only last week, my friend
Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into
a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's
Anatomy was written by drunken chimps.  Crazy!  The point is, sir, you
of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal
maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to the reason for my letter.

Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to
reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always
maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words:
'Have a Happy Period.'

Are you fuc*ing kidding me?  What I mean is, does any part of your tiny
middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing
happiness is possible during a menstrual period?   Did anything
mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable?   Well, did it, James?
FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be
anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on
Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't
march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a
sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.  For the love of God,
pull your head out, man!  If you just have to slap a moronic message on
a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually
pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is
Wrong', or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective
immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have
chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere.  And though I will
certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your
brand of condescending bull sh*t.  And that's a promise I will keep.

Always.

Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin, TX

 
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: paulf on October 26, 2007, 05:48:30 pm
Little Johnny goes into the Kitchen and says " Nanny's got a Prawn"
"what"  says his Mum
Johnny says "Look come and see Nanny's got a Prawn"
So his Mum goes through to where her Mum's lying asleep with her skirt slightly raised showing off her Clitoris  :o
"See" says Johnny "Nanny's got Prawn"
"No" says his Mum "that's her Clitoris"
"Well it sure tastes like a Prawn" says Johnny  :yucky:




   
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Hugh Jampton on October 29, 2007, 09:38:40 pm
A dwarf with a lisp goes to a stud farm to buy a horse,

"I'd like to buy a horth" he says to the owner of the farm.

"What sort of horse ?" asks the owner.
"A female horth", the dwarf replies and so the owner takes him to his finest mare.

"Nithe horth", says the dwarf, "Can I thee her eyth?".

The owner patiently picks up the dwarf and shows him the horse's eyes

"Nithe eyth" says the dwarf, "Can I thee her teeth?".

Again, the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horse's teeth.

"Nithe teeth, can I thee her eerth?" the dwarf says.

By now the owner is getting a little fed up but again, picks up the dwarf and shows him the horse's ears.

"Nithe eerth", says the dwarf, "Can I thee her twot?"

With this, the owner picks up the dwarf and shoves his head deep inside the horse's vagina and holds him there for a few seconds before pulling him out and putting him down.

The dwarf shakes his head and says,

"Perhaps I should weefwaze that, can I thee her wun awound?" :lol:
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: ditzy on October 30, 2007, 04:10:46 pm
Night At The Barn



A lawyer and two friends--a Rabbi, and a Hindu holy man--had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer.

The farmer said, "There might be a problem. You see, I only have room for two to sleep in the house. So one of you must sleep in the barn."

"No problem," chimed the Rabbi. "My people wandered in the desert for forty years. I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for one evening." With that he departed to the barn, and the others bedded down for the night.

Moments later a knock was heard at the door; the farmer opened the door. There stood the Rabbi from the barn. "What's wrong?" asked the farmer. He replied, "I am grateful to you, but I just can't sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn, and my faith believes that is an unclean animal."
His Hindu friend agrees to swap places with him. But a few minutes later the same scene reoccurs. There is a knock on the door. "What's wrong?" the farmer asks. The Hindu holy man replies, "I, too, am grateful for your helping us out, but there is a cow in the barn. In my country cows are considered sacred and I can't sleep on holy ground!"

That left only the lawyer to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but went out to the barn. Moments later there was another knock on the farmer's door. Frustrated and tired, the farmer opens the door, and there stood the pig and the cow.
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: ditzy on November 02, 2007, 02:03:28 pm
What does a female snail say during crude sex?
             Faster, faster, faster!
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Charlie on November 02, 2007, 09:58:41 pm
the 213 things you cant do in the army

http://skippyslist.com/?page_id=3 (http://skippyslist.com/?page_id=3)

I like

2 my correct title is "specialist schwartz" not "princess anistasia"

93 nerve gas is not funny

175 we do not "charge into battle, naked, like the celts"

191 our humvees cannot be assembled into a giant battle robot

 :clap2:
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Misty on November 02, 2007, 10:09:09 pm
http://www.jokefile.co.uk/rude_jokes/pictures/sperm.html  ;D
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Misty on November 02, 2007, 10:15:22 pm
sorry I found another http://www.jokefile.co.uk/rude_jokes/pictures/striptwister.html
Title: Julie Andrews
Post by: rhychydwr1 on November 08, 2007, 02:34:13 pm
Subject:  Julie Andrews



It wouldn't be funny if it wasn't so true... Julie Andrews turns 69 - To
commemorate her 69th birthday on October 1, actress/vocalist, Julie Andrews
made a special appearance at Manhattan's Radio City Music Hall for the
benefit of the AARP. One of the musical numbers she performed was 'My
Favourite Things' from the legendary movie 'Sound Of Music.'

Here are the lyrics she used:

Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favourite things.

Cadillac's and cataracts, and hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers,
golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favourite things.

When the pipes leak,
When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favourite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.

Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favourite things.

Back pains, confused brains, and no need for sinnin',
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',
And we won't mention our short, shrunken frames,
When we remember our favourite things.

When the joints ache,
When the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had,
And then I don't feel so bad.

(Ms. Andrews received a standing ovation on from the crowd that lasted over
four minutes and repeated encores.)

Please share Ms. Andrews' clever wit and humor with others who would
appreciate it.


Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Misty on November 08, 2007, 08:14:59 pm
After being involved in a recent head on collision with an 18 tonne tip lorry and having to go through the palava of the insurance I thought this was appropriate:
 :'(
Actual Insurance Reports

1. Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
2. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.
3. I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it.
4. I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
5. A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
6. The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
7. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
8. In an attempt to kill a fly I drove into a telephone pole.
9. I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.
10. I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
11. I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
12. As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
13. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian.
14. My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle.
15. An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
16. I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull.
17. I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
18. The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him.
19. I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.
20. The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
21. I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
22. The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end.

MXX
Title: Fuel Tank
Post by: rhychydwr1 on November 09, 2007, 12:59:32 pm
Be honest, did anyone know this ?


The Worlds Best Kept Auto Secret


I have been driving (legally) for over half a century. One would think I would have noticed the little secret on my dash that was staring me right in the face the whole time.  Well, I didn't, and I bet you probably haven't either.


Quick question, what side of your car is your gas tank filler cap?  If you are anything like me, you probably can't remember right away.  My solution is to uncomfortably stick my head out the window, strain my neck and look.  If you don't do this in your own car you more than likely have done it in a borrowed or rental car.


Well ladies and gentlemen, I'm going to share with you my little secret so you will no longer look like Ace Ventura on your way to the gas station, or put your neck at risk of discomfort or injury.


If you look at your gas gauge, you will see a small icon of a gas pump.  The handle of the gas pump will extend out on either the left or right side of the pump.  If your tank filler pipe is on the left, the handle will be on the left.  If your filler pipe is on the right, the handle will be on the right (see photo above). It is that simple!


I don't know how you feel about this discovery right now, but when I found out this morning, I felt pretty damn cheated!
Why don't the dealers share such important information with car buyers?  I don't understand why this isn't in the driver's/owner's manual?   And why don't our favorite mechanics think of mentioning this to us all?  The only possible explanation can be that all these people probably don't even know themselves!


Go out and share the world's best kept auto secret with your friends' this is information is way too important to be kept secret.



Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Misty on November 11, 2007, 09:21:54 pm
Just another night in the Hunters...

Sorry to Darkplaces in advance it might make your fur stand on end, this is interactive just hover and click on the buttons on the right, while you are in this site take a look at the other cartoons- too many good ones to mention. Turn your volume on.

http://www.joecartoon.com/cartoons/68-gerbil_bar

Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: hoehlenforscher on November 11, 2007, 10:09:18 pm
Just checked all the cars on the farm and 4 out of 5 fit the above. One doesn't! So don't believe everything you read.
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: ken on November 12, 2007, 04:59:07 am
Redneck Johnny just turned 18. His father came to him and said „Well, Johnny…..now your 18 and its time to become a man now. We don’t have any money but take our best duck and go down to the whorehouse and become a man.

Johnny goes into the whorehouse and says “I don’t have any money but pa said I could trade for my duck.” Nancy takes him upstairs and makes him a man. Lying in bed Nancy says “Johnny that was so good if you do it to me again I’ll give you your duck back.” Johnny grins and does it again.

Walking home after this memorable night with his duck clamped under his arm, Johnny
Asks himself what other surprises are in store for him as a man. Along comes a lorry much to fast and blows Johnny into the ditch ass over teakettle and killing his much prized duck.

The lorry driver asks Johnny if he’s ok and gives him 20 bucks for his dead duck.

The next day his father asks Johnny how his night was. Johnny replies “well pa to make a long story short….I got a f**k for a duck, a duck for a f**k and 20 bucks for a f**cked up duck”
Title: A STUNNING SENIOR MOMENT
Post by: rhychydwr1 on November 14, 2007, 04:57:58 pm
   A very self-important college freshman attending a recent football  game, took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next  to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.

'You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one,'  the student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear. 'The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space  travel, man walking on the moon, our spaceships have visited Mars. We  have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with  light-speed processing , and..' pausing to take another drink of beer.

The Senior took advantage of the break in the student's litany and  said, 'You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were  young........ so we invented them. Now, you arrogant little shit, what   are you doing for the next generation?'


The applause was resounding...


Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Basher on November 14, 2007, 08:58:26 pm
JACK AND JILL

Jack was about to marry Jill and his father took him to one side

"When I married your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was take off my trousers," he said. "I gave them to your mother and told her to put them on . When she did, they were enormous on her and she said to me that she couldn't possibly wear them, as they were too large. "I told her, "of course they're too big. I wear the trousers in this family and I always will. "Ever since that day, we have never had a single problem."

Jack took his father's advice and as soon as he got Jill alone after the wedding, he did the same thing; took off his trousers, gave them to Jill and told her to put them on. Jill said that the trousers were too big and she couldn't possibly wear them. "Exactly," replied Jack."I wear the trousers in this relationship and I always will. I don't want you to forget that."

Jill paused and removed her knickers and gave them to Jack. "Try these on," she said, so he tried them on but they were too small. "I can't possibly get into your knickers," said Jack. "Exactly," replied Jill.



"And if you don't change your f *** ing attitude, you never will."
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Basher on November 14, 2007, 09:03:13 pm
This just proves that we have become too dependent on our computers.

Are you male or female?

To find out the answer, look down...







































LOOK down, not scroll down!
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Basher on November 14, 2007, 09:06:08 pm
An old Sailor visits a lady of the night and asks if she can accomodate him, they agree a price and begin to get undressed.

As he takes off his shoes the woman sees that his toes are in a right old state. Bent over & scabby beyond belief.

"Blimey, what's up with your feet" she says

"Oh I had Tolio when I was a kid"

"You mean Polio dont you?"

"No, I mean Tolio, they're two different diseases"

He carries on & drops his trousers, and exposes two bent hagggard scabby knees.

"Blimey, what's up with your knees" she says.

"Oh I had Kneesles as a kid"

"You mean Measles dont' you?"

"No, I mean Kneesles, they're two different diseases"

With that he finally drops his pants.

"Bloody hell" says the woman, " I see you suffered from Smallcox too"
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Basher on November 14, 2007, 10:00:39 pm
Subject: Health, Safety and Great British History.

Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."
Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."
Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"
Hardy: "Sorry sir?"
Nelson: "'England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.' What gobbledegook is this?"
Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."
Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle."

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it. Full speed ahead."

Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water, sir"

Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in our countries history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest please"

Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

Nelson: "What?"

Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness; and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck Admiral."

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

Hardy: "Health and Safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."

Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and Safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."

Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"

Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There are a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson: "Then how are we going to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

Nelson: "We're not?"

Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a big claim for compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on a disciplinary report."

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."
Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"
Nelson: "Don't tell me - Health and Safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"
Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."
Nelson: "What about sodomy?"
Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."
Nelson: "In that case............................... kiss me, Hardy."
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: anfieldman on November 16, 2007, 07:15:26 pm
Young Mary came home one day bursting with excitement to tell her mother that she was to marry.
'Who's the lucky man then Mary?' said her mum.
'His names David and he's a sailor' said Mary.
His mum thought about this and knowing what sailors were like said to her 'One day when you are making love he will probably ask you to turn over and do it differently. You must make sure that you resist and don't let him do this.'
Mary took her mothers advice and on her wedding night they made wonderful, passionate love. But David did not ask her to turn over. Weeks followed with lots of lovemaking and he still didn't ask her to turn over. Months went by and he still didn't ask her to turn over.
Mary was really curious by now why he had not behaved as her mother predicted so one night Mary got into bed and decided to ask David.
'David why is it that when we make love you don't want me to turn over and do it differently?'
'Well' said David. 'You don't want to have a baby do you???'
Title: Too funny!
Post by: rhychydwr1 on November 17, 2007, 01:54:41 pm
An attractive blonde from  Belfast arrived at the casino and bet twenty
thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She said, 'I hope you
don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude'. With
that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled,
'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'
               
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...
'YES, YES, I WON, I WON!' She hugged each of the dealers and then picked
Up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared
at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?' The other answered,
'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'
 
MORAL OF THE STORY
 
Not all Irish are stupid and not all blondes are dumb, but all men,
are men.

Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Mr Fell on November 19, 2007, 07:08:32 pm

Never choke in a restaurant in the South.

Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whiskey, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.
One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?" The woman shakes her head no. "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar. His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'HindLick Maneuver', but I ain't never seed nobody do it!"
 
Title: Thinks Got Ya Down?
Post by: rhychydwr1 on November 22, 2007, 02:33:31 pm


In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 a.m., regardless of their medical condition.

This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 a.m. Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents.

The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 am ., all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.

Just around 11 o’clock, Willie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.


Still Having a Bad Day?
The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $80,000.00.
At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively
saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers.

A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.
Still think you are having a Bad Day????

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy,
with some kind of wire running from his waist towards
the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from
the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy
plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places.

Up to that moment, he had been happily listening
to his Walkman.

Are Ya OK Now? - No? 

 

Two animal rights defenders were protesting
the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn , Germany . Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly.

The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.

What? STILL having a Bad Day?

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "Return to Sender" stamped on it.

Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

God is Good!
There now, Feeling Better?


Title: Glasgow Commonwealth Games
Post by: rhychydwr1 on November 22, 2007, 02:37:51 pm


As you know, Glasgow will be hosting the Commonwealth Games in 2014.

 

What you may not know is that many of the famous events which go to make up this spectacular event, are to be especially altered for 2014. A copy of these changes has been leaked, and is reproduced below:

 

 

 

OPENING CEREMONY

 

The flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of Ferguslie Park , in the traditional dress of balaclava and a Burberry shell suit. The flame will be contained in a large overturned police van situated on the roof of the stadium.

 

 

 

THE EVENTS

 

In previous Commonwealth Games, Scotland 's competitors have not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes.

 

 

 

100 METRES SPRINT

 

Competitors will have to hold a DVD player and microwave oven (one in each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police Dog will be released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.

 

 

 

110 METRES HURDLES

 

As above but with added obstacles (i.e. car bonnets, hedges, garden fences, Walls etc)

 

 

 

HAMMER

 

Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use (claw, sledge etc) the winner will be the one who can cause the most physical damage within three attempts.

 

 

 

FENCING

 

This event shall be sponsored by Cash Converters who shall also provide the hardware. The contest itself shall be based outside kebab shops in Baillieston, Riddrie, Drumchapel, and Easterhouse....the winner shall be the one who can leave A & E first.

 

 

 

SHOOTING

 

A strong challenge is expected from local men in this event. The first target will be a moving police van. In the second round, competitors will aim at a post office clerk, bank teller or Securicor-style wages delivery man.

 

The traditional .22 rifle has been replaced in this event by a choice of either a Browning automatic handgun or Sawn-off 12-bore shotgun.

 

 

 

BOXING

 

Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of lager while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence.

 

 

 

CYCLING TIME TRIALS

 

Competitors will be asked to break into the Glasgow University bike shed and takes an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy on his first trip away from home. All against the clock.

 

 

 

CYCLING PURSUIT

 

As above, but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the Australian rugby team, who will witness the theft.

 

 

 

MODERN PENTATHLON

 

Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joyriding, underage drinking and arson.

 

 

 

SWIMMING EVENTS

 

All waterways are currently being tested for toxicity levels, once one is found that can support human life, swimming events will be organised, please note that the Synchronised Swimming event for this year will comprise of dropping acid and watching all the funky ripples on the pool, the specific musical support to this event will be provided by "Belle & Sebastian".

 

 

 

THE MARATHON

 

A safe route has yet to be decided.

 

 

 

MEN'S 50KM WALK

 

Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled, as the police cannot guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of Glasgow, especially anyone that appears to be mincing...

 

 

 

THE CLOSING CEREMONY

 

Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the Govan Health in the Community, anti-drug campaigners, synchronised rock throwing, and music by the Dennistoun community choir. The flame will be extinguished by police riot water cannon following inevitable pitch invasion by confused old firm fans.

 

The stadium itself will then be boarded up before the local athletes break into it and remove all the copper piping and the central heating boiler.

 

Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: ken on November 24, 2007, 07:17:55 am
a perfect example of why people shouldn't have sex in the mountains

http://www.gdargaud.net/Humor/Pics/MountainSex.gif
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: ken on November 24, 2007, 07:20:32 am
would this work in a cave?

http://www.gdargaud.net/Humor/Pics/Suck.jpg
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: wormster on December 05, 2007, 12:53:31 pm
I recently brought a teddy for £10 and called it Muhammed.

I have now sold it on e-bay for £30

My question is have I made a prophet ?????

Please don't stone me
Title: The Why's of Men
Post by: rhychydwr1 on December 06, 2007, 09:57:53 am



The Why's of Men

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?

(because they are plugged into a genius)

2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?

(they don't have enough time)

 

3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?

 

(they don't stop to ask directions)

 

4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?

(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)

(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)

 

5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?

(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)

 

6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?

 

(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)

 

7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?

 

(don't know.....it never happened)

 

( C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)

 

And the personal favorite:

 

8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?

 

(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)

 

Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart...Then you are just an old sour fart!

One for the ladies

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, ' University of Oklahoma .'

And they say blondes are dumb...
-----------------------------------------------
A couple are lying in bed. The man says, 'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'
The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...'

-----------------------------------------------------------

'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.
-----------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor

-----------------------------------------------------------
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
AMEN

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
-----------------------------------------------
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manual.'

-----------------------------------------------------------
Send this to at least five bright, funny women you know and make their day!
And send this to five bright men who have enough sense of humor to take it!

       
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Trog on December 06, 2007, 05:50:38 pm
How many men does it take to tile a bathroom?
















Only one if you slice him thin enough!
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Trog on December 06, 2007, 08:02:19 pm
This Year's First (bad) Christmas Joke -

 

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the
pearly gates.

'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess
something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He
flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and
finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just
what do those symbolise?'

The man replied, 'These are Carols.' 


And So The Christmas Season Begins......

Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: speleomonkey on December 08, 2007, 12:37:01 am
my friend left some plastacine in my room last night....



















i didnt know what to make of it!!    :lol:
Title: I can see clearly now
Post by: rhychydwr1 on December 09, 2007, 11:47:57 am
A married man left work early one Friday afternoon and instead of going home to his wife, he spent the weekend (and his money) partying with the boys.

When he finally returned home on Sunday night, his wife really got on his case and stayed on it.
 
After a couple of hours of swearing and screaming, his wife paused, pointed at him and made him an offer
"How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days?!?"
 
The husband couldn't believe his luck, so he looked up, smiled and said, 
"That would suit me just fine!!"
 
Monday went by and the man didn't see his wife.
Tuesday and Wednesday went by and he still didn't see her.
Come Thursday, the swellings had gone down a bit and he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
 
Title: A Tourist in Britain
Post by: rhychydwr1 on December 10, 2007, 01:53:36 pm
An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour
group and explore the city on his own. He wanders
around, seeing the sights, occasionally stopping at a
quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the
locals, and have a pint of bitter.

  After a while, he finds himself in a very nice
neighbourhood with big, stately residences. No pubs,
no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all no public
restrooms.

  However, he really has to go, after all those
Guinness's. He finds a narrow side street, with high
walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides
to use the wall to solve his problem.

  As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a
London bobby, who says, "Sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."

  "I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but
I really have to go, and I just can't find a public restroom."

  "Ah, yes," said the bobby, "just follow me". He leads
the American to a back delivery alley to a gate, which he opens.

  "In there," points the bobby, "whiz away sir, anywhere you like."

  The fellow enters and finds himself in the most
beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass
lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and
huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.

  Since he has the policeman's blessing, he relieves
himself and feels much more comfortable. As he goes
back through the gate, he says to the bobby "That was
really decent of you. Is that what you call English hospitality?"

  "No sir...", replied the bobby, "that is what we call the French Embassy."

Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: wormster on December 13, 2007, 04:45:35 pm
A blonde wanted to go ice fishing.

She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally getting
all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice.

After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a
circular cut in the ice.

Suddenly, from the sky a voice boomed,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a
thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole.

Again from the heavens the voice bellowed,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

The blonde,now worried,moved away,clear down to the
opposite end of the ice.

She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut a hole.

The voice came once more,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

She stopped, looked skyward, and said,

" IS THAT YOU LORD ? "

The voice replied,

"NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: paulf on December 14, 2007, 08:38:12 pm
An old married couple no sooner hit the
pillows When the old man passes gas and says,
"Seven Points."

His wife rolls over and says, "What in
the world was that?" The old man replied,

"It's fart football."

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says

"Touchdown, tie score."

After about five minutes the old man
lets another one go and says,
"Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7."

Not to be outdone the wife rips out
another one and says,
"Touchdown, tie score."

Five seconds go by and she lets out a
little squeaker and says,
"Field goal, I lead 17 to 14."

Now the pressure is on the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so
he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he
gives it everything he's got, and accidentally shits in the bed.

The wife says, "What the hell was that?"

The old man says,

"Half time, switch sides."  :o
Title: How to Make a Woman Happy
Post by: rhychydwr1 on December 15, 2007, 01:09:20 pm
How to Make a Woman Happy

 

It's not difficult to make a woman happy.

 

 

A man only needs to be:


1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynaecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out 
50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes



IT IS ALSO VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes

*what she was wearing when you first met.

 

 


 

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

 

 

 

 

 

 

1. Show up naked
2. Bring food

 

 

Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: darkplaces on December 15, 2007, 01:13:11 pm
 :clap2: Sums it up neatly  :thumbsup:
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Elaine on December 15, 2007, 08:00:49 pm
Watch it rodent - look at number 17!
Title: CATHOLIC GASOLINE
Post by: rhychydwr1 on December 24, 2007, 10:48:37 am

Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency,
was out  making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of
gas. As  luck would have it, an Exxon Gasoline station was just a block away.
She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy
some  gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been
loaned  out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann
was on  the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to
her car.

She looked for something in her car that she could fill  with
gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always
resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station,
filled it  with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists
watched  from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, "If
it  starts, I'm turning Catholic."


Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: AndyF on December 24, 2007, 11:16:36 pm
LOL

(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v623/deepee42/maltesrs.gif)

Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: menacer on December 25, 2007, 07:38:33 am
Am I missing something..!!  :confused:
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Elaine on December 25, 2007, 10:11:59 am
Yes - what a swizz - only three maltesers in each box!
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: menacer on December 25, 2007, 10:14:16 am
Who gives a rats arse?? ...  :doubt:
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: paulf on December 25, 2007, 05:20:54 pm
Who gives a rats arse?? ...  :doubt:

:lol: :lol:
Title: Ponderisms
Post by: rhychydwr1 on January 06, 2008, 04:01:25 pm
Subject: Ponderisms

 

 

* I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

 

* Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

 

* The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

 

* Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

 

* There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

 

* Life is sexually transmitted.

 

* Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

 

* The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

 

* Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

 

* Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

 

* Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

 

* Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again

 

* All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

 

* In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

 

* How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

 

* Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

 

* Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt."

 

* Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

 

* If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

 

* If a small pest is a pesticle, what is a small test?

 

* If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

 

* Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
 
* If a schizophrenic threatens suicide, is it a hostage situation?

 

* Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

 

* Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

 

* Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

   

* Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address?

 
 
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Slug on January 12, 2008, 12:32:25 am
Sorry but, This isn't a joke, its true, still gave Me a good laugh though, and I just had to get it in before Whitelackinton.  :lol:,

 His excuses were priceless, I now wish I had a rev. counter in My van. :clap2:

  http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/scotland/tayside_and_central/7183730.stm
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: ditzy on January 12, 2008, 09:25:08 am
blimey someone actually managed to put a nes link up before whitelackington  did :)
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: shotlighter on January 12, 2008, 09:08:36 pm
It's happen to me (when driving sons car).
Son - your always telling me to go steady, why don't you?
Me - what do you mean (pointing to speedo) I'm doing dead on thirty.
Son - er that's the rev counter!
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Cap'n Chris on January 19, 2008, 09:07:37 pm
(http://www2.b3ta.com/host/creative/61345/1200695510/runway.gif)
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Les W on January 19, 2008, 09:11:14 pm
Bad Cap'n  :chair:
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: ditzy on January 19, 2008, 09:28:54 pm
http://ca.youtube.com/watch?v=arfNofxBtfY&NR=1 (http://ca.youtube.com/watch?v=arfNofxBtfY&NR=1)

 :lol:
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Mud Dragon on January 20, 2008, 01:19:36 am
http://ca.youtube.com/watch?v=arfNofxBtfY&NR=1 (http://ca.youtube.com/watch?v=arfNofxBtfY&NR=1)

 :lol:
:clap2: :spank:
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: ditzy on January 20, 2008, 02:37:04 pm
Hehehe made me larf - does it make me a bad person? :-[
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Mud Dragon on January 20, 2008, 11:25:05 pm
Hehehe made me larf - does it make me a bad person? :-[
:-\
No
 Just a good sense of humour ;D
Title: Monday's joke
Post by: rhychydwr1 on January 21, 2008, 09:49:50 am
My friend, who likes to hunt duck, was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he decided to relieve himself....

He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun.  Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, and discharged...     shooting him in the genitals.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed he was approached by his doctor. 

"Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news.  The good news is that you are going to be OK.  The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the buckshot."

"What's the bad news?" asked the hunter.

"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis.  I'm going to have to refer you to my brother."

"Oh, well I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied.  "Is your brother a plastic surgeon?"

"Not exactly." answered the doctor.  "He's a flute player in the local symphony and he's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye."
Title: School 1977 vs School 2007
Post by: rhychydwr1 on January 21, 2008, 10:30:23 am
School 1977 vs. School 2007

Many a true word is spoken in jest but.......

Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.

1977 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up mates.

2007 - Police are called, Armed Response Unit arrives and arrests Johnny and Mark. Mobiles with video of fight confiscated as evidence. They are charged with assault, ASBOs are taken out and both are suspended even though Johnny started it. Diversionary conferences and parent meetings conducted. Video shown on 6 internet sites.


Scenario: Jeffrey won't sit still in class, disrupts other students.

1977 - Jeffrey is sent to the principal's office and given 6 of the best. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

2007 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. Counselled to death. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra funding because Jeffrey has a disability. Drops out of school.


Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbour's car and his Dad gives him the slipper.

1977 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. Psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mum has an affair with the psychologist. Psychologist gets a promotion.


Scenario: Mark, a college student, brings cigarettes to school .

1977 - Mark shares a smoke with the school principal out on the smoking area.
2007 - Police are called and Mark is expelled from School for drug possession. His car is searched for drugs and weapons.


Scenario: Mohammed fails high school English.

1977 - Mohammed retakes his exam, passes and goes to college.

2007 - Mohammed's cause is taken up by local human rights group. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that making English a requirement for graduation is racist. Civil Liberties Association files class action lawsuit against state school system and his English teacher. English is banned from core curriculum. Mohammed is given his qualification anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.


Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers, puts them in a model plane paint bottle and blows up an anthill.

1977 - Ants die.

2007 - MI5 and police are called and Johnny is charged with perpetrating acts of terrorism. Teams investigate parents, siblings are removed from the home, computers are confiscated, and Johnny's dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.


Scenario: Johnny falls during break and scrapes his knee. His teacher, Mary, finds him crying, and gives him a hug to comfort him.

1977 - Johnny soon feels better and goes back to playing.

2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces three years in prison. Johnny undergoes five years of therapy. Becomes gay.

Title: A Cajun Joke
Post by: rhychydwr1 on January 23, 2008, 10:31:53 am
Got to love those Cajuns!!
 Especially the blonde ones!!
 
 
 
A Cajun walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side.
 He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished
 patrons.
 
"I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my
 manhood inside.
 Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. Then he'll open his
 mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed.
 In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a
 drink."
 
The crowd murmured their approval.
 The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his
 Johnson
 and related parts in the alligator's open mouth.
 The gator closed his mouth, and the crowd gasped. After a minute, the
 man
 grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the
 alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth, and
 the
 man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.
 
The crowd cheered, and the first of his free drinks were delivered.
 
The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100
 who's
 willing to give it a try."
 A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back
 of
 the bar.
 
 
 
A Blonde woman timidly spoke up..........
 
 
 
"I'll try it!", she said, "just don't hit me so hard with the beer
 bottle!"
 
 
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: MSD on January 23, 2008, 01:14:16 pm
From today's Telegraph (am I just getting old, or is that most conservative of newspapers more fun than it used to be?)....


I, however, think it desirable - even if not essential - to know words' meanings when playing Scrabble. To concentrate solely on the numerical value of the constituent letters is reductive and a bit philistine. Our language deserves more respect. On some occasions though, ignorance can be bliss. At one tournament, an elderly woman's opponent played ORGASM.

She looked puzzled, and challenged the word's validity. Amid much stifled sn-wording, the judges confirmed it did, indeed, exist. The old lady asked what it meant. She was told as delicately as possible. "Goodness me!" she exclaimed. "I must tell my husband when I get home."


Mark
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: wormster on January 23, 2008, 03:59:41 pm
From today's Telegraph (am I just getting old, or is that most conservative of newspapers more fun than it used to be?)....


I, however, think it desirable - even if not essential - to know words' meanings when playing Scrabble. To concentrate solely on the numerical value of the constituent letters is reductive and a bit philistine. Our language deserves more respect. On some occasions though, ignorance can be bliss. At one tournament, an elderly woman's opponent played ORGASM.

She looked puzzled, and challenged the word's validity. Amid much stifled sn-wording, the judges confirmed it did, indeed, exist. The old lady asked what it meant. She was told as delicately as possible. "Goodness me!" she exclaimed. "I must tell my husband when I get home."


Well what was the word being challenged? and who's dictionary were they using?

Mark

Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Basher on January 23, 2008, 07:58:34 pm
 job vacancy

A bloke goes into the Job Centre in Newcastle and sees a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant.

Interested he goes to learn more. "Can you give me some more details about this?" he asks the guy behind the desk.

The Job Centre guy sifts through his files and replies, "Uh - yes here it is... OK, the job entails you getting patients ready for the gynecologist.

You have to help them out of their underwear, lie them down and wash their nether regions.

Then apply shaving foam and shave off all their pubic hair then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination.

There's an annual salary of £45,000 but I'm afraid you'll have to go to Oxford "

"Oh why, is that where the job's based?"

"No - that's where the end of the queue is"
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Basher on January 23, 2008, 08:31:51 pm
 Conversations with Air Traffic

funny air controllers
Real (allegedly) funny air controllers
conversations These disturbingly funny conversations allegedly took place between air controllers and pilots around the world. They are included here firstly and simply because many are very funny; secondly because the collection provides examples of not so great communications.


Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"

Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"


"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."

"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"

"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"





From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"

Ground Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"

Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"



Control tower to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."

United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this.... I've got the little Fokker in sight."


A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are
not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."


A military pilot called for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air Control told the fighter pilot that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."



Allegedly, a Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:

Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."



Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."


One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?" The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger:
"I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."


Allegedly the German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They, it is alleged, not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark,...... and I didn't land."



Allegedly, while taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller
lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

US Air 2771: "Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the
irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking:
"Wasn't I married to you once?"
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Les W on January 24, 2008, 11:54:35 pm

They say an elephant never forgets…



In 1986, Dan Harrison was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.

The elephant seemed distressed, so Dan approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Dan worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.

Dan stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

Dan never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.



Twenty years later, Dan was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.

As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Dan and his son Dan Jr. were standing.

The large bull elephant stared at Dan, lifted its front foot off the ground, and then put it down.

The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Dan couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.

Dan summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure.

He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Dan's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.



Probably wasn't the same elephant.
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Basher on January 25, 2008, 09:05:34 pm
A history teacher asks a class full of kids 'What was Churchill famous for?'
A kid at the back shouts out 'He was the last f**king white man to be called Winston!'

What's the ideal weight for a mother-in-law?
About 2.3 pounds including the urn.

I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted to me...
'Oi, what's your disability?'
I said 'Tourettes! Now f**k off you Bas*ard!'

I said to the wife, 'I thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread today, but when I looked again it said 'Thick Cut' '

A man says to his wife 'tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time'. His wife replies 'You've got a bigger todger than your brother'

A bride on her wedding night says to her husband 'I must confess darling, I was a hooker!'.
He says 'That's alright, dear. Your past is your past, but I must admit that I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it'.
She replies 'Well, my name was Nigel, and I played for Wigan !'.

Please forgive me, I'm not this naughty normally!




Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Greg Jones on January 25, 2008, 09:10:38 pm
Please forgive me, I'm not this naughty normally!

Which is a shame, because those jokes were some of the funniest I've seen on this forum.

Keep em coming!
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: anfieldman on January 25, 2008, 09:41:12 pm
Did you inherit Bernard Mannings joke book Basher?

Very good. :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Basher on January 26, 2008, 09:23:22 pm
I must admit Bernard Manning was, in his 5 minutes of time, brilliant, but now we have to surf the ethics of PC jokes, opinions etc.etc.

Therefore;

Passport control

An elderly British gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane.

At the French customs desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag.
'You have been to France before, monsieur?' the customs officer asked, sarcastically.
The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously.
'Then you should know enough to have your passport ready.'

The elderly gentleman said, 'The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it.'
'Impossible. The British always have to show their passports on arrival in France!'

The Man gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained.

"Well, when I came ashore on the Beach on D-Day in 1944, I couldn't find any fecking Frenchmen to show it to!






TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS AND DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN. AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL.


    THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER, 'GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED. THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.'

    THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS.

    AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS, 'YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!' 'DEAD?' SAYS HIS FRIEND, 'WHY DO YOU SAY THAT? 'WELL , SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER.' HIS FRIEND SAYS, 'COULD BE WORSE I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH.' 'A WITCH, WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?'

    'WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW, TAKING MY TEETH WITH HER.'


Enough??
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Basher on January 26, 2008, 09:40:27 pm
The last for this weekend from me, enjoy!!

Possibly the funniest story in a long while. This is a bricklayer's
> accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian
> equivalent of the Workers' Compensation board. This is a true story.
> Had this guy died, he'd have received a Darwin Award for sure.......
>
> Dear Sir,
>
> I am writing in response to your request for additional information in
> Block 3 of the accident report form. I put 'poor planning' as the cause
> of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the
> following details will be sufficient.
>
> I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working
> alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work,
> I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were
> found to be slightly in excess of 500lbs.
>
> Rather than carry the bricks down by hand I decided to lower them in a
> barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building
> on the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the
> roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it.
> Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a
> slow descent of the bricks.
>
> You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh
> 135lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I
> lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to
> say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the
> vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding
> downward at an equally impressive speed. This explained the fractured
> skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section
> 3 of the accident report form.
>
> Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until
> the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.
>
> Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was
> able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience
> pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit
> the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the
> weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs.
>
> I refer you again to my weight. As you can imagine, I began a rapid
> descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third
> floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured
> ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body.
>
>
> Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel
> seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile
> of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry
> to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain,
> unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let
> go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its
> journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.
>
> I hope this answers your inquiry.
> Regards
>
> Stuart.
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Basher on January 26, 2008, 09:56:51 pm
So True,

Just for a minute, forget everything stressful and read this...............

Close your eyes and go back in time...

Before the Internet...

Before semi-automatics, joyriders and crack....

Before SEGA or Super Nintendo...

Way back........

I'm talking about Hide and Seek in the park.
The corner shop.
Hopscotch.
Butterscotch.
Skipping.
Handstands.
Football with an old can.
Fingerbob.

Beano, Dandy, Buster, Twinkle and Dennis the Menace.

Roly Poly.
Hula Hoops, jumping the stream, building dams.
The smell of the sun and fresh cut grass.
Bazooka Joe bubble gum.

An ice cream cone on a warm summer night from the van that plays a tune.
Chocolate or vanilla or strawberry or maybe Neapolitan or perhaps screwball.


Wait......

Watching Saturday morning cartoons, short commercials or the flicks.
Children's Film Foundation, The Double Deckers, Red Hand Gang,
Tomorrow People, Tiswas or Swapshop?, and 'Why Don't You'? - or staying up
for Doctor Who.

When around the corner seemed far away and going into town seemed like going
somewhere.

Earwigs, wasps, stinging nettles and bee stings.


Sticky fingers.
Playing Marbles. Ball bearings. Big 'uns and Little 'uns.
Cops and Robbers, Cowboys and Indians, and Zorro.
Climbing trees.
Making igloos out of snow banks.

Walking to school, no matter what the weather.
Running till you were out of breath, laughing so hard that your stomach hurt

Jumping on the bed. Pillow fights.
Spinning around on roundabouts, getting dizzy and falling down was cause for
giggles.
Being tired from playing....remember that?


The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team.

Water balloons were the ultimate weapon.
Football cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle.
Choppers and Grifters.

Eating raw jelly. Orange squash ice pops. Vimto and Jubbly lollies

Remember when...

There were two types of trainers - girls and boys, and Dunlop Green Flash
The only time you wore them at School was for P.E.
And they were called gym shoes or if you are older - plimsoles


You knew everyone in your street - and so did your parents.
It wasn't odd to have two or three 'best' friends.


You didn't sleep a wink on Christmas Eve.


When nobody owned a pure-bred dog.

When 25p was decent pocket money
Curly Whirlys. Space Dust. Toffo's.
Top Trumps.
When you'd reach into a muddy gutter for a penny.

When nearly everyone's mum was at home when the kids got there.
When any parent could discipline any kid, or feed him or use him to carry
groceries and nobody, not even the kid, thought a thing of it.

When being sent to the head's office was nothing compared to the fate that
awaited a misbehaving pupil at home.
Basically, we were in fear for our lives but it wasn't because of drive-by
shootings, drugs, gangs etc.

Parents and grandparents were a much bigger threat and some of us are still
afraid of them.

Didn't that feel good?

Just to go back and say, Yeah, I remember that!

Remember when....

Decisions were made by going 'Ip, Dip, Dog Sh*t'

'Race issue' meant arguing about who ran the fastest.


Money issues were handled by whoever was the banker in Monopoly

The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was germs.
And the worst thing in your day was having to sit next to one.


It was unbelievable that 'British Bulldog 123' wasn't an Olympic event.
Having a weapon in school, meant being caught with a catapult.

Nobody was prettier than Mum.
Scrapes and bruises were kissed and made better.

Taking drugs meant orange-flavoured chewable aspirin.
Ice cream was considered a basic food group.


Getting a foot of snow was a dream come true.


Older siblings were the worst tormentors, but also the fiercest protectors.

If you can remember most or all of these, then you have LIVED.

True??
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: ChrisB on January 26, 2008, 10:22:49 pm
Basher, are you sure your story is true? It's very similar to this one...which I prefer

You have to assume it's being told somewhat ponderously, with pauses in the right places (I've heard in on vinyl)

Quote
THE BRICKLAYER'S STORY
byGerard Hoffnung
(from his Oxford Union speech, December 4th, 1958)

I've got this thing here that I must read to you.
Now, this is a very tragic thing... I shouldn't, really, read it out.
A striking lesson in keeping the upper lip stiff is given in a recent number of the weekly bulletin of 'The Federation of Civil Engineering Contractors' that prints the following letter from a bricklayer in Golders Green to the firm for whom he works.

Respected sir,

when I got to the top of the building, I found that the hurricane had knocked down some bricks off the top. So I rigged up a beam, with a pulley, at the top of the building and hoisted up a couple of barrels of bricks.
When I had fixed the building, there was a lot of bricks left over.
I hoisted the barrel back up again and secured the line at the bottom and then went up and filled the barrel with the extra bricks.
Then, I went to the bottom and cast off the rope.
Unfortunately, the barrel of bricks was heavier than I was and before I knew what was happening, the barrel started down, jerking me off the ground.
I decided to hang on!
Halfway up, I met the barrel coming down... and received a severe blow on the shoulder.
I then continued to the top, banging my head against the beam and getting my fingers jammed in the pulley!
When the barrel hit the ground, it burst it's bottom... allowing all the bricks to spill out.
I was now heavier than the barrel and so started down again at high speed!
Halfway down... I met the barrel coming up and received severe injury to my shins!
When I hit the ground... I landed on the bricks, getting several painful cuts from the sharp edges!
At this point... I must have lost my presence of mind... because I let go of the line!
The barrel then came down... giving me a very heavy blow and putting me in hospital!

I respectfully request 'sick leave'.

Chris
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Slug on January 26, 2008, 10:54:31 pm
 Not to mention the song " Why Paddy's Not At Work Today"

  http://www.irishsongs.com/lyrics.php?Action=view&Song_id=386
Title: Stowaway
Post by: rhychydwr1 on January 28, 2008, 03:39:59 pm
A young woman in London was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself
into the Thames.

She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the freezing water when a handsome young
sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying. He took pity on her and said, "Look,
you have so much to live for. I'm off to America in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you
away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he
slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."

The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in America would
give her life new meaning. That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.
From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit,and they made
passionate love until dawn.

Two weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain.
"What are you doing here?" the captain asked.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to
America, and he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Woolwich Ferry


Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: rhychydwr1 on January 28, 2008, 03:42:54 pm
A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually
attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.
  So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said,
 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there.' ..and
 indicated the sender with a nod of his head. She stared at the
wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided
to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering  nearby
 for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

 The note read:
 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants '
 After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own  in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed  him to deliver it to the lady.
   

 It read:

 'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I  have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in  my several garages; I have a beautiful homes in Aspen , Miami , and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana . There is over twenty million dollars  in  bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as  you are, would I cut off three inches.

 

Just send the bottle back.'


Title: Work
Post by: rhychydwr1 on January 29, 2008, 01:48:22 pm
There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally, and by hand. This virus is called Weary-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK).

If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT.

This virus will wipe out your private life completely. If you should come into contact with WORK, put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest grocery store.

Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract (WINE) or Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5 friends, you have already been infected

Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: anfieldman on February 02, 2008, 10:11:17 pm
Two men are in an airport and they have misplaced their wives.
One says 'I've lost my wife'. The other says ' Yes, me too. What does your wife look like? I might have seen her about.'
The other man replies ' Well she's about 5'10'', long blonde hair, 36DD boobs wearing high heels, fishnet stockings, miniskirt, and a boobtube top. What does your wife look like then?'

The other man says........................................ 'Don't worry about her, let's look for your wife.'



Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: martinr on February 02, 2008, 11:41:33 pm
Basher, are you sure your story is true? It's very similar to this one...which I prefer

You have to assume it's being told somewhat ponderously, with pauses in the right places (I've heard in on vinyl)

Quote
THE BRICKLAYER'S STORY
byGerard Hoffnung
(from his Oxford Union speech, December 4th, 1958)

I've got this thing here that I must read to you.
Now, this is a very tragic thing... I shouldn't, really, read it out.
A striking lesson in keeping the upper lip stiff is given in a recent number of the weekly bulletin of 'The Federation of Civil Engineering Contractors' that prints the following letter from a bricklayer in Golders Green to the firm for whom he works.

Respected sir,

when I got to the top of the building, I found that the hurricane had knocked down some bricks off the top. So I rigged up a beam, with a pulley, at the top of the building and hoisted up a couple of barrels of bricks.
When I had fixed the building, there was a lot of bricks left over.
I hoisted the barrel back up again and secured the line at the bottom and then went up and filled the barrel with the extra bricks.
Then, I went to the bottom and cast off the rope.
Unfortunately, the barrel of bricks was heavier than I was and before I knew what was happening, the barrel started down, jerking me off the ground.
I decided to hang on!
Halfway up, I met the barrel coming down... and received a severe blow on the shoulder.
I then continued to the top, banging my head against the beam and getting my fingers jammed in the pulley!
When the barrel hit the ground, it burst it's bottom... allowing all the bricks to spill out.
I was now heavier than the barrel and so started down again at high speed!
Halfway down... I met the barrel coming up and received severe injury to my shins!
When I hit the ground... I landed on the bricks, getting several painful cuts from the sharp edges!
At this point... I must have lost my presence of mind... because I let go of the line!
The barrel then came down... giving me a very heavy blow and putting me in hospital!

I respectfully request 'sick leave'.

Chris

Although Hoffnung made the recording, versions of the bricklayer's tale have been known since the 1920s

It was in 1953 that Hoffnung was first invited to speak in a Debate at the Oxford Union. Alistair Sampson, then President of the Union later wrote of this visit:
'Gerard came and gave one of the most superb comic oratoric performances that the Union can ever have heard. Devoid of cruelty' and vulgarity', it was a superb example of pure humour. He was enchanting, fascinating and tumultuous. One moment he was offering snuff to his undergraduate audience, the next he was touching the microphone and leaping back as though electrocuted ........So it is that others may remember him as musician, conversationalist or cartoonist, but I think of him as a speaker. He had all the graces for which those who analyse good speaking look - sympathy, observation, style and masses of audibility. He felt very deeply about manv aspects of social and political life, but always at the back of his mind was the desire to keep the world sane with laughter.'

The local newspaper said of another visit, "He was funnier than anyone has been at the Union before." Unfortunately none of the visits made to the Cambridge Union was recorded, but in 1958 he spoke in a Debate at the Oxford Union which was, by great good fortune, recorded by the BBC . His speech was subsequently issued on disc in 1960 and continues on sale to this day [available on CD]. In it he relates the famous story of the Bricklayer which remains a classic.

http://www.musicweb-international.com/hoffnung/index.htm
 
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Hoffnung-Encore-Oxford-Speech-Collection/dp/0563536756/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=gateway&qid=1201996042&sr=8-1
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: martinr on February 03, 2008, 12:07:32 am
Here's another version of the Bricklayer's Lament:

Paddy's Song (The Bricklayer's Lament)

"Dear sir, I write this note to you to tell you of my plight,
For at the time of writing it, I'm not a pretty sight;
My body is all black and blue, my face a deathly grey,
And I write this note to say why I am not at work today.

While working on the fourteenth floor some bricks I had to clear,
But tossing them down from such a height, was not a good idea;
The foreman wasn't very pleased, he is an awkward sod,
And he said I had to cart them down the ladders in me hod.

Well clearing all these bricks by hand, it was so very slow,
So I hoisted up a barrel and secured a rope below.
But in me haste to do the job, I was too blind to see,
That a barrel full of building bricks was heavier than me.

And so when I untied the rope, the barrel fell like lead,
And clinging tightly to the rope, I started up instead.
I shot up like a rocket, and to my dismay I found
That halfway up I met the bloody barrel coming down.

Well, the barrel broke me shoulder as to the ground it sped,
And when I reached the top, I banged the pulley with me head.
But I clung on tightly, numb with shock, from this almighty blow,
While the barrel spilled out half its bricks some fourteen floors below.

Now when these bricks had fallen from the barrel to the floor,
I then outweighed the barrel and so started down once more.
But I clung on tightly to the rope, me body wracked with pain,
And halfway down I met the bloody barrel once again.

The force of this collision halfway down the office block,
Caused multiple abrasions and a nasty case of shock,
But I clung on tightly to the rope as I fell towards the ground,
And I landed on the broken bricks the barrel had scattered round.

Well as I lay there on the floor I thought I'd passed the worst,
But the barrel hit the pulley wheel, and then the bottom burst.
A shower of bricks rained down on me; I didn't have a hope.
As I lay there bleeding on the ground I let go the bloody rope.

The barrel now being heavier, it started down once more.
It landed right across me as I lay there on the floor.
It broke three ribs and my left arm, and I can only say,
I hope you'll understand why I am not at work today."
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: tony from suffolk on February 05, 2008, 10:20:13 am
A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by.
He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing.  You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?" 

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman.  He's a guy who did everything right all the time.  Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman.  He was a terrific athlete.  He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis.  He could golf with the pros.  He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano.  He was an amazing guy." 

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special!"
Cabbie: "There's more...  He had a memory like a computer.  Could remember everybody's birthday.  He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."

Passenger.  "Wow, some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams.  Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them.  But Frank, he never made a mistake and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - he was the perfect man .  He never made a mistake.  No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman ." 

Passenger: "An amazing fellow.  How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank.  I just married his f*cking widow."
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Basher on February 06, 2008, 06:48:43 pm
I know it,s only Wednesday but....

A fireman is polishing his fire engine outside the fire station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red cart with little ladders hung on the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The little girl is wearing a fireman's helmet and has the cart tied to a dog and a cat. The fire-fighter walks over to take a closer look:

"That's a lovely fire engine,' he says admiringly.
'Thanks,' says the little girl. The fireman looks closer and notices the little girl has tied one of the cart's strings to the dog's collar and one to the cat's testicles.

'Little colleague,' says the fire-fighter, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your fire engine, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could probably go a lot faster.'

The little girl pauses for a moment, looks at the wagon, at the dog and at the cat, then shyly looks into the fireman's eyes and says:

'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a f**king siren would I?"
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: rhychydwr1 on February 13, 2008, 10:31:40 am
A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car. The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her. When he looked inside the car, he saw the man's friend, Dave, and his girlfriend kissing one another. The bartender shook his head and walked back inside.

He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend. The fellow staggered outside to the car, saw his buddy and his girlfriend kissing, then walked back into the bar laughing.

"What's so funny?" the bartender asked.

"That stupid Dave!" the fellow chortled, "He's so drunk, he thinks he's me!"
 
 
 
 
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: hoehlenforscher on February 13, 2008, 12:16:00 pm
A farmer named JJ Keeley had a car accident.
 
In court, the lorry company's fancy hot shot solicitor was questioning JJ.
 
"Didn't you say, to the Garda at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?"asked the solicitor.
 
JJ responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the..."
 
"I didn't ask for any details", the solicitor interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"
 
JJ said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."
 
The solicitor interrupted again and said, "Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Gárda on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud.
Please tell him to simply answer the question."
 
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in JJ's answer and said to the solicitor, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie".
 
JJ thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was
Thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move.
 
However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a garda on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
 
Then the Garda came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, "How are you feeling?"
 
"Now what the F*ck would you say?"
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Mr Fell on February 13, 2008, 06:58:29 pm
Sharing Knowledge: Teaching Adam
 
God Said, "Adam, I want you to do something for me."

Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"

God said, "Go down into that valley."

Adam said, "What's a valley?"

God explained it to him.

Then God said, "Cross the river."

Adam said, "What's a river?"

God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill......."

Adam said, "What is a hill?"

So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.

He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave"

Adam said, "What's a cave?"

After God explained, He said, "In the cave you will find a Woman."

Adam said, "What's a Woman?"

So God explained that to him, too.

Then, God said, "I want you to reproduce."

Adam said, "How do I do that?"

God first said (under his breath), "Jesus!....."

And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.

So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman.

Much sooner than God expected, Adam was back.

God, His patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now?"



And Adam said "What's a headache?"
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Mr Fell on February 13, 2008, 08:00:29 pm
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay
of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight.

His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was
feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him
about,

'What time of night to be getting home is this?

Where have you been?'

'Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'.

And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and
poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the
bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself
up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told
that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of
execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go
upstairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her
husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

To which he whirled around and screamed,

'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN,

DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: Slug on February 16, 2008, 02:01:03 pm
  This is why Nobody should ever trust the (American ) Legal System ever again.  :wall:

 and they say  CRIME  dose not pay read on
*It's time again for the annual "Stella Awards"!*
 
   
    For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and
    successfully sued the McDonald's in New Mexico where she purchased the coffee.
    You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between  her knees while she was driving.
    Who would ever think one could get burned doing that, right?
 
   That's right; these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S.
    You know, the kinds of cases that make you scratch your head. So keep your head scratcher handy.
 
 
    Here are the Stella's for the past year:
 
7TH PLACE:
    Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after
    breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store.
    The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering
    the running toddler was her own son.
 6TH PLACE:
    Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles, California won $74,000 plus medical expenses when
    his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently didn't notice
    there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.

 Go ahead, grab your head scratcher.

5TH PLACE:
    Terrence Dickson, of Bristol, Pennsylvania, who was leaving a house he had just
     burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door
    opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open.
    Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house
     locked when Dickson pulled it shut. Forced to sit for eight, count 'em, EIGHT, days on a case of Pepsi
     and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner's insurance company claiming undue mental anguish.

      Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish.
      We should all have this kind of anguish.
 
 Keep scratching. There are more...

4TH PLACE:
     Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, garnered 4th Place in the Stella's when he was awarded $14,500
     plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor's beagle - even though the beagle
     was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the
     beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard
     and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.*

 Grrrrr ... Scratch, scratch.

3RD PLACE:
    Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania because a jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to
    pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft
    drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.
    What ever happened to people being responsible for their own actions?

 Scratch, scratch, scratch. Hang in there; there are only two more Stella's to go...

2ND PLACE:
     Kara Walton, of Claymont, Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell
     from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton
     was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury
     said the night club had to pay her $12,000....oh, yeah, plus dental expenses. ----------Go figure.*

1ST PLACE:    (May I have a fanfare played on 50 kazoos please)
     This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma,
     who purchased a new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, from an OU football game,
     having driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat
     to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich.  Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway,
     crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner's manual
     that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set. The Oklahoma jury awarded her,
    are you sitting down?,
    $1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit,
    just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home.
 
     Are we, as a society, getting more stupid..?
Title: Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
Post by: ChrisB on February 16, 2008, 04:27:57 pm
Very entertaining, and would be even better if true - sorry to disappoint, but those are all made up!

http://www.stellaawards.com/bogus.html

Chris
Title: Only the Irish have Jokes Like These
Post by: rhychydwr1 on February 16, 2008, 04:55:48 pm

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy,
looking like he'd just been run over by a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken,
his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp
'What happened to you?' asks Sean, the bartender.
'Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight,' says Paddy.
'That little shit, O'Conner,' says Sean,
'He couldn't do that to you,
he must have had something in his hand.'
'That he did,' says Paddy, 'a shovel is what he had,
and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it.'
'Well,' says Sean, 'you should have defended yourself,
didn't you have something in your hand?'
That I did,' said Paddy.
'Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of
beauty it was, but useless in a fight.'


*************************************** ***************************************************** **************
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink
is driving home from the city one night and,
of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over.
'So,' says the cop to the driver,
where have ya been?'
'