Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.

[Tricky Dicky]

To the man in the running shoes who stole my hi-vis vest, you can run but you can't hide............

 

[Mrs Trellis]

It's the annual premature ejaculators ball tomorrow night...
There's no dress code, just come in your pants!

 

[Mrs Trellis]

Watching porn increases a man's risk of having a stroke!

 

[Mrs Trellis]

I've just started speed reading. I can read war and peace in 20 seconds...
I know it's only 3 words but it's a start!

 

[Mrs Trellis]

A husband walks into the bedroom holding two aspirin and a glass of water.
His wife asks, "What's that for?"
"It's for your headache."
"I don't have a headache!"
"Fancy a shag then?"

 

[andys]

Why is it old people say ‘there’s no place like home’, yet when you put them in one …....

 

[Mrs Trellis]

How many Countdown contestants does it take to change a BLIHBULGT?

 

[tony from suffolk]

People often don't understand the difference between wound and injury.

A wound is damage to living tissue caused by a cut, blow, or other impact, typically one in which the skin is cut or broken.

Whereas injury played with The Blockheads.

 

[Mrs Trellis]

I went into the pet shop and asked for a taller stand for my parrot.
I wanted to get it now and pay for it later but the owner said,
"I'm sorry but I don't do higher perches!"

 

[Mrs Trellis]

My flight back from Gibraltar to Glasgow has just been cancelled… Now I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place!

 

[andys]

I told my interviewer that I'm a down to earth sort of chap. Apparently, that's not what they want to hear when they're recruiting pilots.

 

[Mrs Trellis]

If you thought Brits abroad was a modern tourist phenomenon :-

 

[Mrs Trellis]

Prince Andrew is isolating with Covid-19...
This comes after isolating with Jennifer-14!

 

[RobinGriffiths]

What's the betting he'll have monkey pox whenever the next Royal public bash is.

 

[Mrs Trellis]

What's the betting he'll have monkey pox whenever the next Royal public bash is.

Given the milieu in which monkeypox is transmitted I would have thought Prince Edward was the one in peril.

 

[Mrs Trellis]

Topical:-

 

[Mrs Trellis]

Heathrow Airport police are concerned at the number of passengers smuggling helium filled balloons in their luggage…
Cases continue to rise!

 

[Tripod]

Given the milieu in which monkeypox is transmitted I would have thought Prince Edward was the one in peril.

I recall a news item from some years ago which suggested that no-one in Prince Andrew's household was safe.

 

[Mrs Trellis]

A man met a lion in the jungle. He thought it was no good making a run for it, so knelt down and prayed.
When he finished he looked up and the lion was also praying.
"Why are you praying asked the man?"
The lion replied, "I always say grace before a meal!"

 

[andys]

I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. Plus, its fun to look around the launderette and try to guess whose they are.