Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.

[Mrs Trellis]

Four engineers get into a car. The car won't start.
The Mechanical engineer says, "It's a broken starter."
The Electrical engineer says, "Dead battery."
The Chemical engineer says, "Impurities in the diesel!"
The IT engineer says, "Let's get out of the car and get back in!"

 

[andys]

........The IT engineer says, "Let's get out of the car and get back in!"

Lack of understanding of IT Engineering basics there Mrs Trellis. It should read "Lets get out of the car, COUNT TO FIVE and get back in!"

 

[Mrs Trellis]

Great nanna - what's a nonce?

 

[andys]

“As one door closes, another one opens,” he said.
“That's all well and good,” I said, “But until you fix it, I'm not buying the car.”

 

[Mrs Trellis]

I said to the doctor, "I'm having trouble pronouncing words beginning with F and TH."
The doctor replied, "Well, you can't say fairer than that!"

 

[Alex]

Heathrow Airport police are concerned at the number of passengers smuggling helium filled balloons in their luggage…
Cases continue to rise!

That's no laughing matter.

 

[Mrs Trellis]

I was at a party last night and the DJ played, "Sit Down."
So we all sat down! He then played, "Jump Around."
So we all jumped around!
Then he put on, "Come On Eileen." I got thrown out!

 

[Mrs Trellis]

Whoever said technology will replace paper has obviously never tried wiping their arse with an iPad!

 

[Mrs Trellis]

Luciano Pavarotti left me his camper van…
It's a Nissan Dorma!

 

[andys]

Forget what you previously thought - it turns out that DNA is the initials of the National Dyslexic Association.

 

[Mrs Trellis]

Me: "I know this is short notice but can I take the rest of the day off?"
Job interviewer: "Pardon?"

 

[Mrs Trellis]

For anyone who's interested, I will be signing books in Waterstones bookshop tomorrow morning from 9am until security throw me out!

 

[Mrs Trellis]

Got invited to a Cowboys and Indians fancy dress party… Really don't want to go, but I will put a brave face on!

 

[Mrs Trellis]

When I lost my fingers in a freak accident, I asked the doctor if I'd be able to use my hand again.
He said, "Probably, but I wouldn't count on it!"

 

[Mrs Trellis]

Shopkeepers can be so suspicious that £50 notes are fake, so I often use two £25 notes instead!

 

[Mrs Trellis]

My GP said I had something unusual - he said it's called "an appointment".

 

[Mrs Trellis]

Paddy caught his wife having an affair so he decided to kill her and himself.
He put the gun to his head, looked at his wife and said, "Don't laugh. You're next!"

 

[Mrs Trellis]

I bought a suppository from Ikea… I had to put it up myself!

 

[Mrs Trellis]

The England football team visited an orphanage in Wolverhampton today.
"It's heartbreaking to see their sad little faces with no hope," said Ben, age six.

 

[Mrs Trellis]