Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.

[tony from suffolk]

Paul McCartney is a great advert for vegetarianism, look at him, 80! John Lennon never embraced it and he didn’t live half as long. Makes you think, doesn't it?

 

[Mrs Trellis]

My short career as a human cannonball :-
trained all day, got fired in the evening.

 

[andys]

Two bits of vomit walking down the street....
Vomit 1: Are you local?
Vomit 2: Yes, I was brought up just over the road.

 

[Mrs Trellis]

Went to the funeral of a mate from the tennis club who was killed by a ball during a game.
Very sad but it was a lovely service.

 

[Mrs Trellis]

I went to the bar at Wimbledon dressed as a tennis ball… I got served straight away!

 

[paul]

Waiting between Bishop Stortford and Harlow, to catch speeding drivers, a Police Officer sees a car puttering along the M11 motorway at 11MPH so he says to himself: "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seats and three in the back...wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly...eleven miles an hour!" ....the old woman says a bit proudly.
The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that M11 is the road number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask...Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken, and they haven't made a sound this whole time," the officer asks.
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We've just come off the A120."

 

[Mrs Trellis]

I wanted a vacation
he wanted a staycation
so we had an altercation

 

[andys]

Who thinks we should make an effort and start using Roman numerals again? I for one!

 

[Ian Ball]

I wanted a vacation
he wanted a staycation
so we had an altercation

Sounds like a Victoria Wood line

 

[AR]

Sounds like a Victoria Wood line

Or an out-take lyric from HMHB's "She's in Broadstairs" -

 

[andys]

Sexism is everywhere - there's even a stigma attached to female plants.

 

[andys]

Is it true that the Orphan Society's website doesn't have a home page?

 

[andys]

Our local pizza delivery boy has just been arrested for selling drugs. Now I've been a loyal customer of his for years, and I never even suspected he delivered pizzas.

 

[Mrs Trellis]

Wow - never seen an emptier cabinet since my last visit to Old Trafford's trophy room.

 

[Ian Ball]

2019? could be a lot worse!

 

[RobinGriffiths]

Just heard, they're just unloading an industrial grade refrigerator at No 10.

 

[pwhole]

"Carrie doesn't live here anymore".

 

[ZombieCake]

"Carrie doesn't live here anymore".

It would be ironic if their room was on the second floor.

 

[hyweldavies]

My short career as a human cannonball :-
trained all day, got fired in the evening.

You obviously weren't the right calibre for the role

 

[Mrs Trellis]