Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
- Thread starter Mrs Trellis
- Start date
tony from suffolk
Well-known member
Never let anyone tell you what you can and cannot do. Just look at Beethoven - everyone told him he'd never be a musician, just because he was deaf. But did he listen?
hoehlenforscher
Active member
My boss is a bit wierd. Told us that from now on we could only use the toilet on a rota system, with everyone being designated a time when they were allowed to go. When they told me it was my turn I couldn't give a shit
TheBitterEnd
Well-known member
Everyone talks about the early bird.
What about the early worm?
How did it work out for him?
What about the early worm?
How did it work out for him?
Mrs Trellis
Well-known member
If you had to choose between watching the Coronation or sitting in a beer garden, which beer would you be drinking?
Mrs Trellis
Well-known member
I phoned the local paper to put a classified ad in.
"How much is an advert?" I asked.
"£1.50 per inch," they said.
I said, "Forget it, it's a thirty foot ladder!"
"How much is an advert?" I asked.
"£1.50 per inch," they said.
I said, "Forget it, it's a thirty foot ladder!"
Mrs Trellis
Well-known member
Two men visit a prostitute.
The first man goes into the bedroom.
He comes out 10 minutes later and says, "Bloody hell, my wife is better than that."
The second man goes in.
He comes out 10 minutes later and says, "You're right, your wife is better!"
The first man goes into the bedroom.
He comes out 10 minutes later and says, "Bloody hell, my wife is better than that."
The second man goes in.
He comes out 10 minutes later and says, "You're right, your wife is better!"
Mrs Trellis
Well-known member
Well, just been notified that I have won a trip to Greece with £5k spending money for six people!
I know it's short notice, but if anyone is free between 1st and 22nd June
... …Can you put my wheelie bin out?
I know it's short notice, but if anyone is free between 1st and 22nd June
... …Can you put my wheelie bin out?
tony from suffolk
Well-known member
I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend this morning who called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together. I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that "old magic".
"Wow!" I was flabbergasted. "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now", I said, "I'm a bit older and a bit greyer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have." She just giggled and said she was sure I would "rise to the challenge". "Yeah." I said. "Just so long as you don't mind a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone... everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!"
She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me saying that tubby, gray haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover. Anyway, she giggled and said, "I've put on a good few pounds myself!" So I told her to f*** off.
"Wow!" I was flabbergasted. "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now", I said, "I'm a bit older and a bit greyer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have." She just giggled and said she was sure I would "rise to the challenge". "Yeah." I said. "Just so long as you don't mind a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone... everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!"
She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me saying that tubby, gray haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover. Anyway, she giggled and said, "I've put on a good few pounds myself!" So I told her to f*** off.
Mrs Trellis
Well-known member
What do call a magician whose tricks don't work?
Ian
Ian
tony from suffolk
Well-known member
Center Parcs goes up for sale for £5 billion, or £36 billion if bought during the school holidays.
BikinGlynn
Member
thats so true, I hate the places!
Mrs Trellis
Well-known member
I've got a relative who tells the time backwards…
Auntie Clockwise
Auntie Clockwise
Mrs Trellis
Well-known member
A police officer called the station on his radio.
"I need backup here. An old lady shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped."
"Have you arrested the woman?"
"Not yet. The floor's still wet!"
"I need backup here. An old lady shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped."
"Have you arrested the woman?"
"Not yet. The floor's still wet!"
