Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.

[Mrs Trellis]

There's a new origami programme on tv - but it's paper view.

 

[GarDouth]

When I lost the fingers on my right hand in a freak accident, I asked the doctor if I would still be able to write with it.
He said, “Probably, but I wouldn’t count on it.”

 

[legendrider]

A guy lost his penis and left testicle in an industrial accident.

went home and gave his wife a right bollocking

 

[hyweldavies]

I bought an original piece of Van Gogh furniture the other day.


I new it was original because it had a bit of veneer missing.

Van Gogh's mother says "Hey Van, why'd you cut your ear off?"

He replies "pardon"

 

[tony from suffolk]

The self-deprecation society is just now starting to take applications for new members.
I’ve already put myself down.

 

[tony from suffolk]

Took the dog to the vet's - He's become very flatulent and it's embarrassing.
To be fair, he did apologise and offer to open a window.

 

[legendrider]

I've just joined COCOA - Citizens Opposing Contrived and Outrageous Acronyms

 

[Mrs Trellis]

At the supermarket yesterday a woman smiled and waved to me. I didn't recognise her so I went over to say "Hello" and she replied
"Hello - I think you're the father of one of my kids,"
I was taken aback and struggled to recollect having had relations with her. Then the light dawned........
"Ah - were you the policewoman stripper who came to the club's annual dinner and ...er.. obliged me afterwards?"
"No" she replied, "I'm your son's maths teacher."

 

[TheBitterEnd]

There was a young man

From Cork who got limericks

And haikus confused

 

[andys]

Girlfriend: Are you having sex behind my back?
Me: Yes, who did you think it was?

 

[oldfart]

I'm starting meetings at my house for people who have OCD.



I don't have it, I'm just hoping they'll take one look around and start cleaning.

 

[Space Doubt Caver]

You can fit 63 planet earth's in Uranus!
...64 if you relax

 

[legendrider]

I was watching a documentary on TV last night about the Black Death.

Got me wondering if any of my ancestors survived?

 

[ZombieCake]

Did you hear about the person that refused to pay the exorcist?
Their house was repossessed.

 

[oldfart]

I've done some horrible things for money: like...



Get up early and go to work.

 

[GarDouth]

Anybody know of a cure for sex addiction?
I've tried f*cking everything!

 

[Mrs Trellis]

 

[andys]

I think I just met a member of the Scottish mafia.
He made me an offer I couldn't understand.

 

[Space Doubt Caver]

 

[Tricky Dicky]

Viagra: It won't make you James Bond but it will make you Roger Moore...