Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.

[RobinGriffiths]

The wife suggested that we spice things up a bit and play doctors and nurses. So I put her on a trolley in the hallway and left her for 48 hours.

Last week my neighbour described me as a bit of a looker. Well, voyeur was the actual word she used.

 

[Mrs Trellis]

Tell you what - for a dating website Screwfix is very disappointing.

 

[pwhole]

Toolstation wasn't much better, sadly.

 

[Maj]

Have you tried:-

https://metro.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2015/01/ad_158012116.jpg?quality=90&strip=all&zoom=1&resize=644%2C483

 

[andys]

Whereas in Wensleydale....

 

[TheBitterEnd]

I accidentally changed the voice on my sat-nav to male

Now it just says "its round here somewhere, keep driving"

 

[Mrs Trellis]

At the Post Office today a blonde lady bought an envelope, opened it, and spoke into it.
"What are you doing?" I asked
"Sending a voicemail" she replied.

 

[TheBitterEnd]

At the Post Office today a blonde lady bought an envelope, opened it, and spoke into it.
"What are you doing?" I asked
"Sending a voicemail" she replied.

When my mother first heard about email she asked
"How does it work, do they send you a disk in the post?"

 

[Maj]

When my mother first heard about email she asked
"How does it work, do they send you a disk in the post?"

Reminds me of something someone once said "Never underestimate the data transfer rate of the post!"

 

[alanw]

Reminds me of something someone once said "Never underestimate the data transfer rate of the post!"

"Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes hurtling down the highway."
-- Andrew S. Tanenbaum

 

[oldfart]

Do not eat aluminum or you'll sheet metal.

 

[Mrs Trellis]

I used to think drinking was bad for me.............so I gave up thinking.

 

[tony from suffolk]

I suppose I'm in the minority but I always lick my knife when I'm done.
None of the other surgeons seem to do it though.

 

[spelfish]

Clearly, you're not a colorectal surgeon

 

[andys]

I went to the hairdressers and said, “Can I have a haircut like Tom Cruise?”
So they gave me a cushion to sit on.

 

[Mrs Trellis]

For those of you who are placing Christmas lights / decorations in your garden, can you please avoid anything that has red or blue flashing lights together? Every time I come around the corner, I think it's the police and I have a panic attack. I have to brake hard, fling my vodka out the window, hide the weed, fasten my seat belt, throw my phone on the floor, turn my radio down, all while trying to drive. It's just too much drama, even for Christmas. Thank you for your cooperation and understanding.

 

[andys]

You can get an AI version of a girlfriend these days. But you have to choose between "great conversation" and "great sex", and you can't have both.

 

[Mrs Trellis]

I've just finished reading an interesting book about spectacles by Seymour Witham.

 

[Maj]

Last night I was mugged by six dwarfs.


Wasn't Happy!

 

[Mrs Trellis]

I'm taking part in a charity fork lift event tomorrow. I'm hoping to raise loads.