legendrider
Active member
Love the new John Lewis advert on the tv
never knowingly understood
never knowingly understood
Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
- Thread starter Mrs Trellis
- Start date
RobinGriffiths
Well-known member
She was only a farmer's daughter, but she could never keep her calves apart.
Mrs Trellis
Well-known member
She was only an Admiral's daughter but her naval base was full of discharged seamen.
Mrs Trellis
Well-known member
She was only a tobacconist's daughter but she liked a shag on the counter.
Mrs Trellis
Well-known member
She was only a fishmonger's daughter but she lay on the slab and said "fillet".
Mrs Trellis
Well-known member
She was only a garage owner's daughter but she knew the smell of benzole.
Mrs Trellis
Well-known member
She was only a General's daughter but she knew what regiment.
oldfart
Active member
Last night I was walking home and decided to take a shortcut past the cemetery. Three girls came up to me and explained that they were really scared to walk past the cemetery at night and would I please walk with them past the cemetery.
I told them "I know exactly how you feel, I used to feel the same way when I was alive".
I haven't seen them since.
I told them "I know exactly how you feel, I used to feel the same way when I was alive".
I haven't seen them since.
Tricky Dicky
Active member
She was only a french cavers daughter, but she had a fine pyrenees..................
tony from suffolk
Well-known member
A nun walks into Mother Superior’s office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh, heavy with frustration.
‘What troubles you, Sister?’ asked the Mother Superior, ‘I thought this was the day you spent with your family.’
‘It was,’ sighed the Sister, ‘And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.’
‘I seem to recall that,’ the Mother Superior agreed. ‘So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?’
‘Far from it,’ snorted the Sister. ‘In fact, I even took the Lord’s name in vain today!’
‘Goodness, Sister!’ gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. ‘You must tell me all about it!’
‘Well, we were on the fifth tee…and this hole is a monster, Mother Superior – 540 yards Par 5, with a nasty dog leg left and a hidden green….and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. It’s flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted…and it hits a bird in mid-flight !’
‘Oh my!’ commiserated the Mother. ‘How unfortunate! But surely that didn’t make you blaspheme, Sister!’
‘No, that wasn’t it,’ admitted the Sister. ‘While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!’
‘Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!’ sympathized the Mother.
‘But I didn’t, Mother!’ sobbed the Sister. ‘And I was so proud of myself! While I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!’
‘So that’s when you cursed,’ said the Mother with a knowing smile.
‘Nope, that wasn’t it either,’ cried the Sister, anguished, ‘because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the hole!’
Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said, ‘You missed the fucking putt, didn’t you?’
‘What troubles you, Sister?’ asked the Mother Superior, ‘I thought this was the day you spent with your family.’
‘It was,’ sighed the Sister, ‘And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.’
‘I seem to recall that,’ the Mother Superior agreed. ‘So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?’
‘Far from it,’ snorted the Sister. ‘In fact, I even took the Lord’s name in vain today!’
‘Goodness, Sister!’ gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. ‘You must tell me all about it!’
‘Well, we were on the fifth tee…and this hole is a monster, Mother Superior – 540 yards Par 5, with a nasty dog leg left and a hidden green….and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. It’s flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted…and it hits a bird in mid-flight !’
‘Oh my!’ commiserated the Mother. ‘How unfortunate! But surely that didn’t make you blaspheme, Sister!’
‘No, that wasn’t it,’ admitted the Sister. ‘While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!’
‘Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!’ sympathized the Mother.
‘But I didn’t, Mother!’ sobbed the Sister. ‘And I was so proud of myself! While I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!’
‘So that’s when you cursed,’ said the Mother with a knowing smile.
‘Nope, that wasn’t it either,’ cried the Sister, anguished, ‘because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the hole!’
Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said, ‘You missed the fucking putt, didn’t you?’
hoehlenforscher
Active member
Mrs Trellis
Well-known member
Once upon a time we had Steve Jobs, Johnny Cash and Bob Hope.
Now we have no jobs, no cash and no hope.
Let's hope Kevin Bacon doesn't die.
Now we have no jobs, no cash and no hope.
Let's hope Kevin Bacon doesn't die.
RobinGriffiths
Well-known member
I went into a pet shop and asked if I could buy a goldfish. The bloke asked if I wanted an aquarium. I said I don’t care what star sign it is.
I’m so lazy I’ve got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.
I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said ‘Analogue?’ I said ‘No, just a watch.
My dad got arrested for stealing roadworks. I couldn’t believe it, but when I got home all the signs were there.
I went shopping for camouflage trousers. Couldn’t find any.
I’m so lazy I’ve got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.
I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said ‘Analogue?’ I said ‘No, just a watch.
My dad got arrested for stealing roadworks. I couldn’t believe it, but when I got home all the signs were there.
I went shopping for camouflage trousers. Couldn’t find any.
tony from suffolk
Well-known member
A Marine pulled into a little town, late one night, but every hotel room was taken.
“You’ve got to have a room somewhere,” he pleaded with the hotel manager. “Or just a bed, I don’t care where.”
“Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy,” admitted the manager, “and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I’m not sure it’d be worth it.”
“No problem,” the tired Marine assured him. “I’ll take it.”
The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
“How’d you sleep?” asked the manager.
“Never better.”
The manager was impressed. “No problem with the other guy snoring, then?”
“Nope, I shut him up in no time.” said the Marine.
“How’d you manage that?” asked the manager.
“He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room,” the Marine explained. “I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, ‘Goodnight, beautiful,’ and he sat up all night watching me.”
“You’ve got to have a room somewhere,” he pleaded with the hotel manager. “Or just a bed, I don’t care where.”
“Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy,” admitted the manager, “and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I’m not sure it’d be worth it.”
“No problem,” the tired Marine assured him. “I’ll take it.”
The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
“How’d you sleep?” asked the manager.
“Never better.”
The manager was impressed. “No problem with the other guy snoring, then?”
“Nope, I shut him up in no time.” said the Marine.
“How’d you manage that?” asked the manager.
“He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room,” the Marine explained. “I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, ‘Goodnight, beautiful,’ and he sat up all night watching me.”
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