Mrs Trellis
Well-known member
It's only a few bucks, not a lot of doe really.
In hindsight though such a price might send you into the red if it's fallow on the work front and you need to rein in spending.
Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
- Thread starter Mrs Trellis
- Start date
In hindsight though such a price might send you into the red if it's fallow on the work front and you need to rein in spending.
Space Doubt Caver
Active member
Yorkshire Road Signs....
Mrs Trellis
Well-known member
"'osses" Shirley
legendrider
Active member
True Yorkshire story:
I used to sell nuts, bolts and screws at Huddersfield Market. I had the following interaction with a customer
"Ee-up lad! Ah need fawa self-tappers fe't caravan door. 'Ow much is thems there?" [points]
"Five pence each"
"An 'ow much is they bit langer wuns?" [points again]
"also five pence each"
[thoughtful pause]
"Eeeh, reet, I dunno. Ye'll be 'ere next time int tha?"
I used to sell nuts, bolts and screws at Huddersfield Market. I had the following interaction with a customer
"Ee-up lad! Ah need fawa self-tappers fe't caravan door. 'Ow much is thems there?" [points]
"Five pence each"
"An 'ow much is they bit langer wuns?" [points again]
"also five pence each"
[thoughtful pause]
"Eeeh, reet, I dunno. Ye'll be 'ere next time int tha?"
tony from suffolk
Well-known member
I just found a half-frozen tiny bird as I walked home, so I put it in my pocket to give it a chance of survival.
When I showed the wife, she told me how much she loved me for being so kind and sensitive, so I thought I'd try for a kiss & a cuddle as she was in a good mood!
She said "Please, not in front of the chilled wren".
When I showed the wife, she told me how much she loved me for being so kind and sensitive, so I thought I'd try for a kiss & a cuddle as she was in a good mood!
She said "Please, not in front of the chilled wren".
tony from suffolk
Well-known member
Things you would never know without the movies.
- During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
- When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
- If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick’s Day parade - at any time of year.
- All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to the waist level on the man lying beside her.
- The Chief of Police will almost always suspend his star detective - or give him 48 hours to finish the job.
- All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.
- It’s easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone to talk you down.
- The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place - no one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building undetected.
- Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned to a partner who is their polar opposite.
- The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
- All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they are going to go off.
- If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition, even if you haven’t been carrying any before now.
- You are very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
- Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language
- a German accent will do.
- If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor’s first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.
- A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
- When paying for a taxi, don’t look at your wallet as you take out a bill; just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
- Kitchens don’t have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
- If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
- Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.
- Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
- All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
- A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK stadium.
- Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
- Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
- It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.
- Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
- It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
- A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
- It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will patiently attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
- When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.
- No-one ever involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
- Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
- You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
- Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds - unless it’s the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
- Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at the precise moment that it is aired.
PeteHall
Moderator
A family is gathered around the dinner table when the son turns to his father and asks, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?”
The father, caught off guard, thinks for a moment and replies, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases.
In her 20s, her breasts are like melons—round and firm.
In her 30s and 40s, they’re like pears—still nice, but hanging a bit.
After 50, they’re like onions.”
“Onions?” the son asks, confused.
“Yes,” the father says. “You see them, and they make you cry.”
This answer enrages the wife and daughter.
The daughter, fuming, turns to her mother. “Mom, how many kinds of willies are there?”
The mother, smiling sweetly, responds, “Well, dear, a man also goes through three phases.
In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree—mighty and hard.
In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch—flexible but reliable.
After 50, it’s like a Christmas tree.”
“A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks, puzzled.
“Yes,” the mother replies. “Dead from the root up, and the balls are just for decoration.”
The father, caught off guard, thinks for a moment and replies, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases.
In her 20s, her breasts are like melons—round and firm.
In her 30s and 40s, they’re like pears—still nice, but hanging a bit.
After 50, they’re like onions.”
“Onions?” the son asks, confused.
“Yes,” the father says. “You see them, and they make you cry.”
This answer enrages the wife and daughter.
The daughter, fuming, turns to her mother. “Mom, how many kinds of willies are there?”
The mother, smiling sweetly, responds, “Well, dear, a man also goes through three phases.
In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree—mighty and hard.
In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch—flexible but reliable.
After 50, it’s like a Christmas tree.”
“A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks, puzzled.
“Yes,” the mother replies. “Dead from the root up, and the balls are just for decoration.”