Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.

[TheBitterEnd]

We have two unwritten rules here:
1.
2.

 

[andys]

You've got to hand it to blind prostitutes.

 

[Mrs Trellis]

 

[tony from suffolk]

I look after plant pots and hanging baskets for celebrities, which means I tend to shrub holders with the rich and famous.

 

[Mrs Trellis]

I was at my mate's stag night yesterday, when he and his brother handed me a glass full of yellow, lukewarm liquid.
"Drink it," they said giggling.
It was only when I smelt it that I realised the prank the bastards were trying to pull...........
Carlsberg!

 

[hoehlenforscher]

My local council have banned me from the park after every time I visited I would order all the squirrels accounting to thier height.
Seems they didn't like me constantly critter sizing

 

[legendrider]

Masochist: "Beat me, BEAT me!"

Sadist: "No"

 

[legendrider]

Ever wonder how they get the PTFE non-stick coating to stick to the pan?

They cook scrambled egg on it first.

 

[Mrs Trellis]

I started a new hobby this Sunday. I did two hours of bell ringing. I found it very therapeutic…....

....but it seemed to piss the bus driver off though!

 

[tony from suffolk]

Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.

 

[Tricky Dicky]

ROBERT MUGABE was born on this day in 1924. It was originally thought that he was born in Zimbabwe, but it later turned out he was actually a secret Yorkshireman when someone said his surname backwards.

 

[oldfart]

He was a backward Yorkshireman so must have hailed from Lancashire.

 

[Mrs Trellis]

 

[Mrs Trellis]

Q. What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?






A. The same middle name - "the".

 

[Tricky Dicky]

While on a flight I asked a stewardess for a coffee and she asked me how I would like it.

I stupidly thought I'd be cool and funny so I announced loudly, "I like my coffee the way I like my women.", hoping she would ask how.

However, she replied even more loudly, "We always try to do our best, sir but we cannot oblige your request; here the coffee is free, you don't have to pay for it."

 

[TheBitterEnd]

I have good problem solving skills ...

but my problem creating skills are where I really shine

 

[Mrs Trellis]

https://twitter.com/x/status/1900247989815287959

 

[Mrs Trellis]

My wife and I decided we don't want children…...

It was a difficult decision, but we're telling them tonight!

 

[Mrs Trellis]

 

[hoehlenforscher]

18 members of the Welsh rugby team have been picked for the Lions….

The coach leaves for Longleat at mid-day