Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.

[Tricky Dicky]

Old Jack's wife has died so he and the minister visit the stonemason to discuss a suitable epitaph for the headstone. As Jack's wife's was a woman of strong Christian faith they agree that the epitaph should read, "Christ she were thine."

A few days after the funeral Jack goes to visit his wife's grave and appalled to see that it reads, "Christ she were thin."

Furious, he goes to the stonemason and says, "Now then y'daft bat, tha forgot t' 'E' on't wife's 'eadstone."

The stonemason apologises and promises to rectify it.

A few days later Jack revisits his wife's grave and is delighted to see that it now reads,

"Eeeeeh, Christ she were thin."

 

[tony from suffolk]

 

[tony from suffolk]

My friend has been killed by a boat in Venice.
I've sent my Gondolences.

 

[pete_the_caver]

What does a glory hole and a police hotline have in common?


Anonymous tips.

 

[tony from suffolk]

I went skydiving today for the first time. This guy strapped himself to me, we jumped out of the Plane and as we plummeted, he said: "So, how long have you been an Instructor?"

 

[oldfart]

I folded some paper and made an airplane. I threw it and to my surprise, it just hovered there in mid air.
I apparently used stationary.

 

[tony from suffolk]

Just been to the gym at work because they've got a new machine in. Only used it for half an hour as I started to feel sick. It's great, though. It does everything - KitKats, Mars bars, Snickers, Crisps, the lot.

 

[TheBitterEnd]

 

[oldfart]

Yesterday I was at Tesco buying a large bag of dog food for my loyal pet, Nero , the Wonder Dog, which weighs 191 lbs. I was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had an elephant? So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the dog biscuit again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your jacket pockets with dog biscuits and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her "No, I stopped to Pee on a lamp post and a car hit me".

 

[Mrs Trellis]

 

[Mrs Trellis]

 

[Mrs Trellis]

Not silly at all..........

 

[tony from suffolk]

The toilets at B&Q are for display purposes only.

I know that now.

 

[Mrs Trellis]

Not really sure why you’re all surprised women won an argument.

I’ve not won one with the wife in 53 years.

 

[Mrs Trellis]

 

[RobinGriffiths]

 

[Mrs Trellis]

 

[tony from suffolk]

As I knelt down with a pair of size 4 shoes in front of this glamorous young lady, I couldn't help but glance up at her knickers.

“Hey cheeky!” She said as she gave me a playful kick. “ I bet the only reason you do this job is so you can look up girls' skirts, isn't it?”

“That's an absolutely ridiculous accusation madam!” I said sternly. “I don't even work here!”

 

[tony from suffolk]

The wife asked , "What are ya doing?"
"Nothin" said I.
"But ya did nothing yesterday" said she.
"I wasn't finished" said I.