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Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.

A bloke walks into a pub and sees three men and a dog playing poker.
He says to the landlord, "f*** me, that must be one clever dog."
"Not really", said the landlord.
"Every time he gets a good hand his fucking tail starts wagging!"

At the risk of a digression I used to have a "tell" when I was nervous about my poker hand. It worked in my favour as my companions assumed it was when I was bluffing, but in fact I did it when I had a monster hand and was worried everyone would fold ! I managed to stop myself doing it by they time they'd figured out what it meant.
 
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"Dad," said my son. "I don't know how to break this to you. I love you and I don't want to hurt you, but I have to be myself and I can't live a lie any more. I'm gay."
"Oh my God, thank f*** for that!" I replied. "I thought you were going to say you were vegan!"
 
How to use all corporate jargons in one paragraph

Let's circle back and blue-sky this paradigm shift by leveraging our bandwidth to drill down on the low-hanging fruit, but only if we can move the needle without boiling the ocean. At the end of the day, we need to disrupt the synergy of our core competencies and pivot the deliverables into a thought-leadership ecosystem that aligns with our key performance vegetables. If we can get all stakeholders to buy in and touch base asynchronously, we'll have the secret sauce to parachute this initiative into a high-octane, game-changing deep dive that maximises our ROl on the bleeding edge of the value proposition.
 
A couple were on their honeymoon
Lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband: "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin." The husband replies. "That's no big thing in this day and age." The wife continues. "Yeah, I've been with one other guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods." "Tiger Woods, the golfer?" "Yeah." "Well he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."
The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they get done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone. "What are you doing?" says the wife. The husband says. "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get some food." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it a second time." The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love with his wife a second time.
When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "What are you doing?" She says. The husband says. "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get some food.""Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it one more time."
The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love to his wife one more time. When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks. "Are you calling room service?" "No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this fucking hole."
 
An Irishman was walking home late at night and sees a woman lurking in the shadows. 'Twenty Quid" she whispers. Paddy had never had a hooker before but decides -- what the hell it's only twenty quid. So they hide in the bushes. They're going at it for a couple of minutes when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It's a police officer. ''Ello 'ello 'ello - what's going on here then?' asks the officer.'I'm making love to me wife' Paddy answers sounding annoyed. 'Oh I'm sorry' says the cop' I didn't know.'
'Well neither did I' says Paddy 'til ya shined dat fucking light in her face"!
 
Been having real problems with nuisance phone calls lately…......
............the most common one seems to be:-
"You said you'd be home from the pub three hours ago!"
 
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