Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.

[Ed]

Anyone you know, Tony from Suffolk?

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I understand Tony from Suffolk has got over that fetish..... He is now an ex-tractor fan

 

[royfellows]

Q- "How did they first split the atom"
A- Put it in the post marked "Fragile"

 

[paul]

That reminds me of one of the many stories our chemistry teacher at school told us. While sitting on a bench on a railway platform waiting for a train, he saw a porter moving a large wooden crate by lifting on edge of the bottom of the crate and tipping it over and over as he went along the platform.
As the porter and crate passed him, he could hear as well as the loud bang as the crate once again landed on a different side on the platform, the loud tinkling of broken glass. He also noticed the large obvious stickers on the crate saying "FRAGILE - HANDLE CAREFULLY"...

 

[davel]

That reminds me of one of the many stories our chemistry teacher at school told us. While sitting on a bench on a railway platform waiting for a train, he saw a porter moving a large wooden crate by lifting on edge of the bottom of the crate and tipping it over and over as he went along the platform.
As the porter and crate passed him, he could hear as well as the loud bang as the crate once again landed on a different side on the platform, the loud tinkling of broken glass. He also noticed the large obvious stickers on the crate saying "FRAGILE - HANDLE CAREFULLY"...

Sometime in the 1960s I saw a porter throw a small package from one platform at Bangor station to another. The two platforms concerned had four running lines between them, so probably at least 13 m !

Dave

 

[royfellows]

Causing some amusement. Not my original in fairness, was in an email from Robert Hall.

 

[tony from suffolk]

I understand Tony from Suffolk has got over that fetish..... He is now an ex-tractor fan

I would but, let's face it, they are sexy little minxes, aren't they?

The Tractor Boys are Ipswich Town F.C. As it happens, my neighbor is Delia Smith (some sort of cook, apparently...) so I'm duty-bound to support The Canaries.

 

[TheBitterEnd]

Veni, Vidi, Velcro

I Came, I Saw, I stuck Around...

 

[TheBitterEnd]

Anybody else finding that Dry January is dragging on a bit?

 

[andys]

Anybody else finding that Dry January is dragging on a bit?

I was doing really well until that awful hangover yesterday.

 

[paul]

"Last Saturday night we were dressed and ready to go out to a party. We turned on a night light, covered our pet budgie and put the cat in the garden.
Because we knew we would be having a few drinks, we called a taxi. As we walked out the door the cat we had put out in the garden, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.

My wife goes on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, saying "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother." A few minutes later I get into the cab.

'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away. 'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the garden! She better not shit in the vegetable garden again!'

The silence in the cab was deafening."

 

[tony from suffolk]

I went into hardware store this morning and asked for some nails.
The assistant asked: "How long do you want them?”
I said: “I want to keep them”.

 

[Mrs Trellis]

Cinema warning:-

They wouldn't take a £50 note for my pick'n'mix purchase. In the end I had to pay with two twenties and a tenner.

 

[Pitlamp]

The way inflation's been lately, the time will come when you have to explain that one to folk!

 

[tony from suffolk]

Potatoes make chips, crisps, mash, roasts, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying!

 

[Ian Ball]

Or you need lots of ways to confuse people into thinking a potato is good eating

 

[GarDouth]

My friends dog died, so I bought her another, identical one.
She just screamed at me and said: "What am I meant to do with two dead dogs?!"

 

[TheBitterEnd]

 

[tony from suffolk]

A Jehovah’s witness knocked on my door the other day. I let him in, took him to the kitchen, gave him a coffee and asked “So, what do you want to talk about?”
He said “I don’t know, I never got this far before”.

 

[harrylong]

A Jehovah's witness knocked on my door a week ago but as I answered his knock my phone rang. I told him to wait there and went to deal with the phone. A week has elapsed and he is still sitting, waiting on my doorstep. How do I get rid of him?

 

[tony from suffolk]

Identification by dental records is sometimes necessary. But if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?