Author Topic: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.  (Read 1163118 times)

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6075 on: July 10, 2018, 01:02:17 pm »
I got a letter from the Blood Transfusion service that said I was "Blood Type E" I rang them and said there must be some mistake as I'd never heard of Type E, they apologised and said it must've been a Type O.
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Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6076 on: July 11, 2018, 09:12:11 am »
I hate that feeling after surgery when you're not sure if you're asleep or awake. Or if you operated on the right patient.

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Offline andys

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6077 on: July 11, 2018, 02:10:29 pm »
A lot of women actually turn into good drivers.

So, if you're a good driver, watch out for women turning.
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Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6078 on: July 11, 2018, 04:57:28 pm »
Little known fact is that Danny Wellbeck’s dad Stan used to be a bomb disposal engineer.
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Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6079 on: July 12, 2018, 01:58:34 pm »
We've got really good pet insurance. While the dog was at the vet, they gave us a courtesy cat.
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Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6080 on: July 12, 2018, 04:30:06 pm »
A Yorkshireman went into the vets and said to the receptionist ‘Can tha look at mi cat?’
The receptionist replied ‘Is it a tom?’
He said ‘No, he’s in’t basket in’t  car...’
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Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6081 on: July 13, 2018, 09:13:55 am »
I accidentally passed my wife a glue stick instead of her chapstick. She still isn't talking to me.
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Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6082 on: July 13, 2018, 11:53:32 am »
A 60 years old Millionaire is getting married and throws a lavish wedding reception.
His friends are quite jealous and one of them asks him how did he land such a beautiful sexy 23-year-old.
Simple, grins the millionaire, I faked my age.
I told her I was 87.
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Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6083 on: July 14, 2018, 08:27:17 am »
I read that, by law, you have to turn on your headlights when it's raining in Sweden. How am I supposed to know if it's raining in Sweden?
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Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6084 on: July 16, 2018, 10:56:09 am »
My three favourite things are eating dogs and not using commas.
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Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6085 on: July 16, 2018, 06:50:44 pm »
The family weren't happy I'd put ginger in the curry. Apparently the kids really loved that cat.
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Offline ZombieCake

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6086 on: July 16, 2018, 11:13:24 pm »
From the bloke with a Fez:

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat slob"

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6087 on: July 18, 2018, 08:10:55 am »
As my old dad used to say, “The first rule of theatre is to leave them wanting more”.

Great man, terrible anaesthetist.
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Online Laurie

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6088 on: July 18, 2018, 11:32:36 am »
 ;D
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Offline hoehlenforscher

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6089 on: July 19, 2018, 05:36:31 pm »
To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide but you can't run

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6090 on: July 19, 2018, 08:21:12 pm »
It's a little known fact that William tell and his family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately a fire destroyed all bowling records so we will never know for whom the Tells bowled.
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Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6091 on: July 20, 2018, 08:13:02 am »
I phoned the RSPCA and told them that there was a polecat clinging onto my ceiling fan.
They said they didn't believe me.
I said you'll just have to take my whirred ferret.
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Online Laurie

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6092 on: July 20, 2018, 11:39:16 am »
Oh dear!
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Offline martinb

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6093 on: July 20, 2018, 02:37:11 pm »
Where's that damn 'groan' button!  :tease:

Offline steviet_scg

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6094 on: July 20, 2018, 05:17:09 pm »
Many people think that Mamma Mia is the latest much watch film - but really its just what kids from Yorkshire shout when they get home from school.

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6095 on: July 24, 2018, 08:53:09 am »
I remember seeing a safety information broadcast that advised people not to turn on the lights if they suspected a gas leak.
That's why I always keep some candles handy in case of such an emergency.
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Offline Wolfo

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6096 on: July 24, 2018, 05:03:10 pm »
What is the difference between a 5 - and a 50m shaft for a half-assed caver?

5m    - Bang! Ahhhhh!
50m  - Ahhhhh! Bang!
Lower Saxony - Harz Mountain Area - Germany

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6097 on: July 25, 2018, 08:42:33 pm »
FOR SALE!

 - ancient bottle of Chinese Tipex. It's a corrector’s item.
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Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6098 on: July 27, 2018, 06:28:28 am »
Nan had an amazing way with words. I remember I rang her up when my Granddad had gone into this home. I said “How's he getting on in the home?” She said 'like a fish out of water’, I said ‘Is he finding it hard to adjust?’ She said ‘No, he’s dead’.”
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Offline andys

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6099 on: July 27, 2018, 12:06:15 pm »
Flat-earthers know that the only fear is sphere itself!
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