Author Topic: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.  (Read 1215915 times)

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6375 on: April 26, 2019, 02:17:11 pm »
How many people does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one of the questions I should have asked before buying a lighthouse.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Online GarDouth

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6376 on: April 26, 2019, 05:34:36 pm »
I bought a box of condoms earlier today. The cashier asked if I'd like a bag. I said "nah, I'll just turn the lights off."
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Offline andys

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6377 on: April 26, 2019, 06:56:17 pm »
Hint for next year: To make Easter easier, simply replace the t with an i.
Plateaus are the highest form of flattery.

Offline Laurie

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6378 on: April 28, 2019, 01:38:26 am »
I was thinking about organising things for next year but couldn't do it.
Made me realise I don't have 2020 vision.
MNRC

Offline andys

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6379 on: April 28, 2019, 08:49:15 am »
If my mum was a Methodist and my dad was a spiritualist, does that makes me a methylated spirit?
Plateaus are the highest form of flattery.

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6380 on: May 01, 2019, 02:05:43 pm »
I always laugh in the face of adversity. I think that’s the principle reason I lost my job as a grief counsellor.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6381 on: May 07, 2019, 11:42:07 am »
Traditionally, the person on a ship who is responsible for measuring the speed comes from Notts County.
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Offline Wayland Smith

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6382 on: May 10, 2019, 01:50:09 pm »
"Two English football teams, 30,000 plus English fans and a massive press corp etc
are flying to Madrid to watch 22 blokes kick a ball about for 90 minutes
and the Government are trying to blame Global Warming on farting cows.
Think about it."

Offline Alex

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6383 on: May 10, 2019, 09:12:11 pm »
Perhaps we should fly out 30,000 farting cows out instead???
Anything I say is represents my own opinion and not that of a any club/organisation that I am a member of (unless its good of course)

Offline TheBitterEnd

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6384 on: May 10, 2019, 09:33:54 pm »
I’ve just bought a Womble pepper grinder.

It’s rubbish.

Everything is either underground or overground.
'Never argue with a fool, onlookers may not be able to tell the difference.' — Mark Twain

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6385 on: May 11, 2019, 08:41:19 am »
I was mowing the lawn earlier, when I fell into a despondent slump, drank a bottle of whisky and cried inconsolably. I think I must have gone through a rough patch.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline crickleymal

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6386 on: May 13, 2019, 10:01:02 am »
My friend did a PhD in palindromes. He's now known as Dr Awkward.
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Offline Laurie

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6387 on: May 13, 2019, 08:06:09 pm »
I saw a beehive today that had no exit.
It was unbelievable.
MNRC

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6388 on: May 14, 2019, 12:09:19 pm »
I call English my mother tongue as Father rarely got a chance to use it.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6389 on: May 15, 2019, 09:51:49 am »
"The choreography for Riverdance was basically a collection of stamps."

- Michael Philately.
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Offline Laurie

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6390 on: May 20, 2019, 11:42:11 am »
I've just ordered a chicken and an egg from ebay....


I'll let you know...
MNRC

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6391 on: May 20, 2019, 01:14:15 pm »
The hardest part of joining Hypochondriacs' Anonymous...

Is admitting that you don't have a problem.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6392 on: May 22, 2019, 06:27:46 pm »
Sad to hear that Mr Potato Head is in such bad health - apparently, he's developed a brain tuber.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6393 on: May 23, 2019, 10:17:39 am »
My wife just used the same teabag twice so I called the police and they hit her with a restraining order.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6394 on: May 27, 2019, 12:02:22 pm »
A man goes into a builder’s yard and orders 20,000 bricks.
"May I ask what you're building?", asks the man behind the counter.
"Yes, it's going to be a barbecue."
“That’s a lot of bricks for one barbecue." he says.
The man says, "not really - I live on the 18th floor."
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Online shotlighter

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6395 on: May 27, 2019, 01:06:15 pm »
My wife just used the same teabag twice so I called the police and they hit her with a restraining order.
She must have known my mother! If she could figure a way, I'm sure she'd reuse bog roll!

Offline Tripod

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6396 on: May 27, 2019, 08:19:18 pm »
A true story - A colleague of mine years ago when we worked for a local Health Authority would sometimes pick up a 'phone as he passed through reception and enter into a conversation with an imaginary person, for example "F*** Yu, manager of a Chinese Restaurant. On one occasion he picked up a 'phone that was ringing and without asking who was calling announced "the latest NHS economy drive - in future both sides of the toilet paper had to be used".

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6397 on: May 28, 2019, 03:01:58 pm »
Trying to start a Gandalf look-a-like agency is difficult - you just can't get the staff.
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Offline crickleymal

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6398 on: May 29, 2019, 10:34:23 am »
Where did Noah keep his bees?






In the Ark Hives
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Offline hoehlenforscher

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6399 on: May 31, 2019, 12:04:32 am »
A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."

"When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder.

"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that is hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."

"Is that when you swore?"

"No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away."

"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again.

"Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"

"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun.

"No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."

"Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.

"No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole."

The two nuns were silent for a moment.

Then Mother Superior sighed and asked, "You missed the ****ing putt, didn't you?