Author Topic: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.  (Read 1199169 times)

Online tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6375 on: April 26, 2019, 02:17:11 pm »
How many people does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one of the questions I should have asked before buying a lighthouse.
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Offline gardouth

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6376 on: April 26, 2019, 05:34:36 pm »
I bought a box of condoms earlier today. The cashier asked if I'd like a bag. I said "nah, I'll just turn the lights off."
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Offline andys

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6377 on: April 26, 2019, 06:56:17 pm »
Hint for next year: To make Easter easier, simply replace the t with an i.
Plateaus are the highest form of flattery.

Offline Laurie

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6378 on: April 28, 2019, 01:38:26 am »
I was thinking about organising things for next year but couldn't do it.
Made me realise I don't have 2020 vision.
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Offline andys

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6379 on: April 28, 2019, 08:49:15 am »
If my mum was a Methodist and my dad was a spiritualist, does that makes me a methylated spirit?
Plateaus are the highest form of flattery.

Online tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6380 on: May 01, 2019, 02:05:43 pm »
I always laugh in the face of adversity. I think that’s the principle reason I lost my job as a grief counsellor.
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Online tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6381 on: May 07, 2019, 11:42:07 am »
Traditionally, the person on a ship who is responsible for measuring the speed comes from Notts County.
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Offline Wayland Smith

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6382 on: May 10, 2019, 01:50:09 pm »
"Two English football teams, 30,000 plus English fans and a massive press corp etc
are flying to Madrid to watch 22 blokes kick a ball about for 90 minutes
and the Government are trying to blame Global Warming on farting cows.
Think about it."

Offline Alex

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6383 on: May 10, 2019, 09:12:11 pm »
Perhaps we should fly out 30,000 farting cows out instead???
Anything I say is represents my own opinion and not that of a any club/organisation that I am a member of (unless its good of course)

Offline TheBitterEnd

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6384 on: May 10, 2019, 09:33:54 pm »
I’ve just bought a Womble pepper grinder.

It’s rubbish.

Everything is either underground or overground.
'Never argue with a fool, onlookers may not be able to tell the difference.' — Mark Twain

Online tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6385 on: May 11, 2019, 08:41:19 am »
I was mowing the lawn earlier, when I fell into a despondent slump, drank a bottle of whisky and cried inconsolably. I think I must have gone through a rough patch.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline crickleymal

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6386 on: May 13, 2019, 10:01:02 am »
My friend did a PhD in palindromes. He's now known as Dr Awkward.
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Offline Laurie

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6387 on: May 13, 2019, 08:06:09 pm »
I saw a beehive today that had no exit.
It was unbelievable.
MNRC

Online tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6388 on: May 14, 2019, 12:09:19 pm »
I call English my mother tongue as Father rarely got a chance to use it.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Online tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6389 on: May 15, 2019, 09:51:49 am »
"The choreography for Riverdance was basically a collection of stamps."

- Michael Philately.
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Offline Laurie

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6390 on: May 20, 2019, 11:42:11 am »
I've just ordered a chicken and an egg from ebay....


I'll let you know...
MNRC

Online tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6391 on: May 20, 2019, 01:14:15 pm »
The hardest part of joining Hypochondriacs' Anonymous...

Is admitting that you don't have a problem.
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Online tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6392 on: May 22, 2019, 06:27:46 pm »
Sad to hear that Mr Potato Head is in such bad health - apparently, he's developed a brain tuber.
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Online tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6393 on: May 23, 2019, 10:17:39 am »
My wife just used the same teabag twice so I called the police and they hit her with a restraining order.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"