Author Topic: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.  (Read 1241300 times)

Offline tony from suffolk

  • forum hero
  • *****
  • Posts: 2560
  • Old codger
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6575 on: November 25, 2019, 05:49:55 pm »
My wife's asked for a Spa Day for Christmas.
Strange request, and it's taken a bit of wrapping. I'll explain it's pronounced 'Spade' when I give it to her.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline Oceanrower

  • obsessive maniac
  • ***
  • Posts: 306
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6576 on: November 25, 2019, 10:31:22 pm »
The grand old Duke of York.
He had ten thousand men,
He had a few young girls as well,
But he can't remember when...

Offline Alex

  • forum hero
  • *****
  • Posts: 3918
  • BRCC, UWFRA.
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6577 on: November 26, 2019, 11:24:30 am »
Quote
My wife's asked for a Spa Day for Christmas.

Why would anyone want to spend a day in a shop?
Anything I say is represents my own opinion and not that of a any club/organisation that I am a member of (unless its good of course)

Offline Graigwen

  • obsessive maniac
  • ***
  • Posts: 410
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6578 on: November 26, 2019, 04:31:25 pm »
Quote
My wife's asked for a Spa Day for Christmas.

Why would anyone want to spend a day in a shop?

The Spa shop on Terrace Road, Aberystwyth used to be open 24 hours a day and in the past has been the scene in the early hours of the morning of strange social events. These seemed to end with someone falling head first into the freezers.

.

Offline tony from suffolk

  • forum hero
  • *****
  • Posts: 2560
  • Old codger
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6579 on: November 28, 2019, 08:08:25 pm »
I went to my doctor and told him that every time I see a biro lid, I get all sad and tearful. "Tell me, "he replied," How long have you had these pen-top emotions?"
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline ZombieCake

  • junky
  • ****
  • Posts: 863
  • I like Witches
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6580 on: November 30, 2019, 12:41:18 am »
Beethoven: Are you guys ready for some symphonies tonight?
Crowd: cheers Yeah!!!
Beethoven: I can't hear you!

Offline tony from suffolk

  • forum hero
  • *****
  • Posts: 2560
  • Old codger
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6581 on: December 02, 2019, 11:54:45 am »
We’re thinking of getting a real Christmas tree this year - asking the kids to imagine one again seems a little unfair.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline paul

  • Global Moderator
  • forum hero
  • *****
  • Posts: 4355
  • Orpheus CC, NPC
    • Orpheus Caving Club
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6582 on: December 03, 2019, 08:03:45 am »





Is It Christmas?

I'm not a complete idiot: some parts are missing!

Online andys

  • Outside its dropped to under zero, but I'm warm on here as a
  • forum hero
  • *****
  • Posts: 1439
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6583 on: December 04, 2019, 11:45:52 am »
A word to the wise: when you have people round for a brew, remember coffee isn't everyone's cup of tea.
Plateaus are the highest form of flattery.

Offline tony from suffolk

  • forum hero
  • *****
  • Posts: 2560
  • Old codger
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6584 on: December 04, 2019, 01:40:19 pm »
There are no severe winds, rain or snow forecast for today.

The Met office have advised motorists to make unnecessary journeys.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline crickleymal

  • junky
  • ****
  • Posts: 937
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6585 on: December 04, 2019, 05:31:21 pm »
What's leather and sounds like a sneeze?






A shoe
Malc
Rusted and ropy, dog-eared old copy.
Vintage and classic or just plain Jurassic:
all words to describe me.

Offline tony from suffolk

  • forum hero
  • *****
  • Posts: 2560
  • Old codger
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6586 on: December 05, 2019, 07:28:05 pm »
Does anyone know if it’s possible to have a skin graft taken from a buttock to donate to someone who isn’t a relative?

Arse skin for a friend…
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Online Fulk

  • forum hero
  • *****
  • Posts: 3920
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6587 on: December 06, 2019, 04:07:04 pm »
One day a sexologist was giving a talk to a group and he decided to put to the test his pet theory that the happiest people are those who have the most sex. So he asked the audience to raise their hand if they got it at least once a day. Sure enough, a number of happy, smiling people put up their hand. He then asked for a show of hands from those who only had it twice a week, and sure enough a number of moderately happy looking people put up their hand. He then asked the same thing of those who had it once a week, and the people who responded looked decidedly less happy; ‘So far, so good’, thinks the lecturer. He then asked those who got it once a fortnight to put up their hand, and the responders looked a bit glum, and when he asked those who only got it once a month, they looked decidedly unhappy.

‘Well, this accords well with my theory’, thinks the sexologist – then he had a thought, and asked if there was anyone in the audience who only got it once a year, whereupon a little bloke at the back stood up, waving his hand, looking wildly excited and really happy; ‘Duh’, thinks the sexologist, ‘that’s not in accord with the theory’, so he asks the bloke why he was so happy if he only gets it once a year. ‘Well’, replies the guy with a big grin, ‘Tonight’s the night!!’.

Offline Maj

  • junky
  • ****
  • Posts: 853
  • MNRC, ATLAS, CPC.
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6588 on: December 07, 2019, 08:43:03 pm »
Anyone on their own this Christmas?




I'd like to borrow three chairs.



Maj
Confucius say "War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left."

Online Laurie

  • forum hero
  • *****
  • Posts: 2074
  • Tony from Suffolk can't see me.
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6589 on: December 08, 2019, 03:48:28 pm »
I  got knocked of my bike last night by a council salt lorry ,

''You stupid idiot '' I shouted through gritted teeth !
MNRC

Offline rhychydwr1

  • forum hero
  • *****
  • Posts: 3265
  • The Mayor of Cwm Parc
    • http://www.showcaves.com
Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6590 on: December 09, 2019, 04:10:42 pm »
Someone thew a bottle of Omega-3 pills at me.  I'm fine, I only suffered super fish oil injuries.