Author Topic: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.  (Read 1308089 times)

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6575 on: November 25, 2019, 05:49:55 pm »
My wife's asked for a Spa Day for Christmas.
Strange request, and it's taken a bit of wrapping. I'll explain it's pronounced 'Spade' when I give it to her.
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Offline Oceanrower

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6576 on: November 25, 2019, 10:31:22 pm »
The grand old Duke of York.
He had ten thousand men,
He had a few young girls as well,
But he can't remember when...

Offline Alex

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6577 on: November 26, 2019, 11:24:30 am »
Quote
My wife's asked for a Spa Day for Christmas.

Why would anyone want to spend a day in a shop?
Anything I say is represents my own opinion and not that of a any club/organisation that I am a member of (unless its good of course)

Offline Graigwen

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6578 on: November 26, 2019, 04:31:25 pm »
Quote
My wife's asked for a Spa Day for Christmas.

Why would anyone want to spend a day in a shop?

The Spa shop on Terrace Road, Aberystwyth used to be open 24 hours a day and in the past has been the scene in the early hours of the morning of strange social events. These seemed to end with someone falling head first into the freezers.

.

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6579 on: November 28, 2019, 08:08:25 pm »
I went to my doctor and told him that every time I see a biro lid, I get all sad and tearful. "Tell me, "he replied," How long have you had these pen-top emotions?"
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Offline ZombieCake

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6580 on: November 30, 2019, 12:41:18 am »
Beethoven: Are you guys ready for some symphonies tonight?
Crowd: cheers Yeah!!!
Beethoven: I can't hear you!

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6581 on: December 02, 2019, 11:54:45 am »
We’re thinking of getting a real Christmas tree this year - asking the kids to imagine one again seems a little unfair.
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Offline paul

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6582 on: December 03, 2019, 08:03:45 am »





Is It Christmas?

I'm not a complete idiot: some parts are missing!

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6583 on: December 04, 2019, 11:45:52 am »
A word to the wise: when you have people round for a brew, remember coffee isn't everyone's cup of tea.
Plateaus are the highest form of flattery.

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6584 on: December 04, 2019, 01:40:19 pm »
There are no severe winds, rain or snow forecast for today.

The Met office have advised motorists to make unnecessary journeys.
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Offline crickleymal

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6585 on: December 04, 2019, 05:31:21 pm »
What's leather and sounds like a sneeze?






A shoe
Malc
Rusted and ropy, dog-eared old copy.
Vintage and classic or just plain Jurassic:
all words to describe me.

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6586 on: December 05, 2019, 07:28:05 pm »
Does anyone know if it’s possible to have a skin graft taken from a buttock to donate to someone who isn’t a relative?

Arse skin for a friend…
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Online Fulk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6587 on: December 06, 2019, 04:07:04 pm »
One day a sexologist was giving a talk to a group and he decided to put to the test his pet theory that the happiest people are those who have the most sex. So he asked the audience to raise their hand if they got it at least once a day. Sure enough, a number of happy, smiling people put up their hand. He then asked for a show of hands from those who only had it twice a week, and sure enough a number of moderately happy looking people put up their hand. He then asked the same thing of those who had it once a week, and the people who responded looked decidedly less happy; ‘So far, so good’, thinks the lecturer. He then asked those who got it once a fortnight to put up their hand, and the responders looked a bit glum, and when he asked those who only got it once a month, they looked decidedly unhappy.

‘Well, this accords well with my theory’, thinks the sexologist – then he had a thought, and asked if there was anyone in the audience who only got it once a year, whereupon a little bloke at the back stood up, waving his hand, looking wildly excited and really happy; ‘Duh’, thinks the sexologist, ‘that’s not in accord with the theory’, so he asks the bloke why he was so happy if he only gets it once a year. ‘Well’, replies the guy with a big grin, ‘Tonight’s the night!!’.

Offline Maj

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6588 on: December 07, 2019, 08:43:03 pm »
Anyone on their own this Christmas?




I'd like to borrow three chairs.



Maj
Confucius say "War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left."

Offline Laurie

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6589 on: December 08, 2019, 03:48:28 pm »
I  got knocked of my bike last night by a council salt lorry ,

''You stupid idiot '' I shouted through gritted teeth !
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Online rhychydwr1

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6590 on: December 09, 2019, 04:10:42 pm »
Someone thew a bottle of Omega-3 pills at me.  I'm fine, I only suffered super fish oil injuries.

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6591 on: December 14, 2019, 01:04:57 pm »
The man who invented the double entendre died last week.

His wife’s taking it hard.
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Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6592 on: December 16, 2019, 04:03:34 pm »
An archaeological dig in Dublin has uncovered a skeleton thought to be that of a man from the Bronze age.

An RTE reporter asked the leader of the dig if they had any idea how he might have died.

"Well," he said, "judging by the 3 tons of soil we lifted off him, I'd say suffocation”.
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Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6593 on: December 18, 2019, 10:03:42 am »
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop. The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage, “Hey Doc, can I ask you a question?”

The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, “So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when
I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?”

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic…

"Try doing it with the engine running"
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Online andys

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6594 on: December 20, 2019, 12:21:04 pm »
I've just found out that my girlfriend is a ghost....

To be honest, I had my suspicions from the moment she walked through the door.
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Offline ZombieCake

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6595 on: December 20, 2019, 11:13:56 pm »
German humour - that's no laughing matter.

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6596 on: December 21, 2019, 05:33:36 pm »
Aibohphobia - a fear of Palindromes.
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Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6597 on: December 22, 2019, 03:39:25 pm »
“HELL” EXPLAINED BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs
heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas
cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need
to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which
they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to
Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter
Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell
breaks loose.

If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in
Hell,then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year
that, ‘It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,’ and take into
account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be
true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen
over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it
follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore,
extinct…leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine
being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting ‘Oh my God.’
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Offline GarDouth

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6598 on: December 24, 2019, 11:44:39 am »
If anyone is alone and has no one to spend Christmas with, please let me know.
I need to borrow some chairs.
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Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6599 on: December 24, 2019, 01:43:06 pm »
I read Stephen Hawking's A Brief History of Time and was able to keep up with it until the chapter where he explained the bin days over Christmas.
 
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