Author Topic: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.  (Read 1307964 times)

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6600 on: December 24, 2019, 09:55:35 pm »
I keep singing Diamonds are Forever around the home and winking at my wife. That way the car mats will be an even bigger surprise.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6601 on: December 25, 2019, 03:05:57 pm »
My girlfriend told me she'd slept with seven people before we met.

I wouldn't mind, but I was only 20 minutes late.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6602 on: December 29, 2019, 10:37:06 am »
The only thing my wife can cook is toast. Still, at least I get three square meals a day.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6603 on: January 01, 2020, 06:08:44 pm »
I was asked to run a marathon and I said, “No chance.”
Then I was told it was for disabled and blind kids and I thought, “Sod it. I could win that!”
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6604 on: January 04, 2020, 03:45:28 pm »
Killing a French vampire is hard work. Wooden stakes are no use. You have to drive a baguette through its heart. It's painstaking.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline andys

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6605 on: January 04, 2020, 05:39:09 pm »
Christmas these days is a lot like having sex. The build-up is great, but when you look back afterwards you always regret spending all that money.
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Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6606 on: January 06, 2020, 08:02:54 am »
It was 12 years ago today that my mate James came running out of the room shouting “It’s a boy, it’s a boy!”, with tears streaming down his face.

We never went back to Thailand after that.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline andys

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6607 on: January 12, 2020, 12:09:27 pm »
Is it true that "an apple a day keeps the doctor away"? Or is it one of Granny's myths?
Plateaus are the highest form of flattery.

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6608 on: January 13, 2020, 08:09:27 am »
Eight times this month, my blind uncle has fallen out of the tree in his garden.
Three or four times, he’s fallen off the neighbours’ extension and twice he’s got stuck under a car.
Today though he got stuck in a gap in the fence, and the stress of it finally killed him.
This has caused me a major headache, happening so soon after Christmas.

Not only do I have to arrange the funeral and everything, but i’ve also got to find a new home for his guide cat.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline Laurie

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6609 on: January 13, 2020, 11:47:18 am »
Quote from: tony from suffolk link=topic=1474.msg317295#msg317295 date=157890296 i’ve also got to find a new home for his guide cat.
[/quote

MNRC

Offline crickleymal

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6610 on: January 13, 2020, 03:40:44 pm »
Les Barker, I've seen him at a couple of folk festivals,  always good fun.
Malc
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Offline GarDouth

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6611 on: January 16, 2020, 01:13:11 pm »
Went swimming today. Had a pee in the deep end.

Lifeguard noticed and blew his whistle so loud I almost fell in.
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Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6612 on: January 17, 2020, 07:51:55 am »
I went to the optician for an eye test yesterday.
I sat down in the big chair and he started the test.
He pointed and said, "what's that?"
And I said, "it's a printer."
And he pointed again and said, "and that?"
And I said, "it's a mouse."
And he pointed again and said, "and this is...?"
And I replied, "a USB flash drive."
"OK," he said, "so there's nothing wrong with your peripheral vision."
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline Maj

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6613 on: January 19, 2020, 10:58:07 pm »
Spotted a book the other day

"How to solve 50% of your financial worries"

So I bought two copies.

Maj.
Confucius say "War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left."

Offline andys

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6614 on: January 23, 2020, 05:00:00 pm »
My mate suggested that we change our names by deed poll.

"I'll change mine to 'Pheasant'", he said, "and you change yours to 'Grouse'."

"Fine", I replied, "I'm game if you are."
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Offline Laurie

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6615 on: February 02, 2020, 11:49:51 am »
I've been going out with a weather girl.
I thought it would make a nice change to date a woman who wasn't right all the time.  ::)
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Offline crickleymal

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6616 on: February 07, 2020, 09:51:47 am »
Last night my wife sent me a text saying she was in casualty. I watched the entire episode......never saw her once.. she still hasn't come home and I'm hungry
Malc
Rusted and ropy, dog-eared old copy.
Vintage and classic or just plain Jurassic:
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Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6617 on: February 08, 2020, 08:55:12 am »
When my wife left me, I was sad, upset, and lonely.

Since then I've got a dog, bought a new Porsche, and arranged a blind date for later tonight.

She'll go mental when she gets home from work.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline crickleymal

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6618 on: February 08, 2020, 08:18:26 pm »
I have a stepladder.

I never knew my real ladder.
Malc
Rusted and ropy, dog-eared old copy.
Vintage and classic or just plain Jurassic:
all words to describe me.

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6619 on: February 09, 2020, 09:06:48 am »
I remember when plastic surgury was a taboo subject. Today if you mention ‘Botox’ no one raises an eyebrow.
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Offline TheBitterEnd

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6620 on: February 09, 2020, 09:18:03 pm »
I've managed to get my hands on a batch of racing geese,

Contact me if you want a quick gander
'Never argue with a fool, onlookers may not be able to tell the difference.' — Mark Twain

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6621 on: February 10, 2020, 09:26:07 am »
Everything you've ever heard about male Canadian geese is just state propergander.
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Offline hoehlenforscher

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6622 on: February 10, 2020, 11:14:04 am »
A bloke down the road has 2 Porsches, a Ferrari, a Jag, 3 Fords and an old Mini Metro.

I suspect he has the car owner virus.

Sorry, i'll get my coat.

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6623 on: February 10, 2020, 11:39:19 am »
On holiday in Devon I thought I saw an alien on top of a caravan, but it turned out to be a television antenna. It was an Exeter tourist aerial.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline andys

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6624 on: February 10, 2020, 01:37:54 pm »
On holiday in Devon I thought I saw an alien on top of a caravan, but it turned out to be a television antenna. It was an Exeter tourist aerial.

That's got to be your worst Tony!  :o
Plateaus are the highest form of flattery.

 

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