Author Topic: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.  (Read 1303482 times)

Online Fulk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6775 on: May 20, 2020, 07:06:46 pm »
There was this rather arrogant guy who lived out in the sticks, but fancied himself as a gentleman, and joined one of those ‘Town and Country Gentlemens’ Clubs’.

So on a visit to the big city, he decides to call in at his club, where the doorman refuses him entry because he doesn’t recognize him. So he starts blustering, but to no avail. He then says, ‘Come on, my good man, you must know me; I’m a country member’.

‘Ah yes’, says the doorman, ‘now I remember.’

Offline Laurie

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6776 on: May 21, 2020, 01:07:01 pm »
It's an old one, but...
A very, very old one.
...bit like me really.
MNRC

Online tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6777 on: May 21, 2020, 06:05:48 pm »
A father promises his son that if he does well in school he will take him on an outing of his choice.
The son works hard and behaves himself all week.
“Well done son", says his Father, "where would you like to go?”
“Oh please, can we see the monkeys at the Zoo?” Pleads the son.
So off they go with the son full of excited anticipation.
They arrive at the Monkey enclosure but it appears empty.
The son starts to cry - “Dad where are the Monkeys, you promised I could see them!”
Dad seeks out the Zookeeper “Where are the monkeys? I’ve been promising my boy all week, now he's really upset!”
“Sorry about that", replies the Zookeeper, "it’s the mating season and they're all indoors”
“Well", says dad, "if I throw a few bananas over the fence will they come out?”
Zookeeper replies, “Well, would you?!”
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline gingerlycolors

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6778 on: May 21, 2020, 07:14:37 pm »
A father promises his son that if he does well in school he will take him on an outing of his choice.
The son works hard and behaves himself all week.
“Well done son", says his Father, "where would you like to go?”
“Oh please, can we see the monkeys at the Zoo?” Pleads the son.
So off they go with the son full of excited anticipation.
They arrive at the Monkey enclosure but it appears empty.
The son starts to cry - “Dad where are the Monkeys, you promised I could see them!”
Dad seeks out the Zookeeper “Where are the monkeys? I’ve been promising my boy all week, now he's really upset!”
“Sorry about that", replies the Zookeeper, "it’s the mating season and they're all indoors”
“Well", says dad, "if I throw a few bananas over the fence will they come out?”
Zookeeper replies, “Well, would you?!”
The Term "coming out" is quite ambiguous in the 21st century!

Offline Laurie

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6779 on: May 23, 2020, 12:12:44 pm »
A woman confided to her girlfriend, "My ex-husband wants to marry me again." The friend said, "How flattering." The woman replied, "Not really. I think he's after the money I married him for."
MNRC

Online tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6780 on: May 24, 2020, 08:50:02 am »
"Do you know Bach’s “Sheep May Safely Graze?”

“Only the first couple of baas”.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline Topimo

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6781 on: May 24, 2020, 08:56:11 am »
Do you want to hear a good joke backwards?

Start laughing.

Online tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6782 on: May 25, 2020, 10:17:11 am »
My wife banged on the toilet door & said "Hurry up I need a shit"

“Fuck off," I shouted "I'm trying to have a wank in here"

“So that's more important than diarrhoea" she screamed.

I yelled through the door " I'm just about to come for fuck sake, just wait a few moments will you" What an impatient, big mouthed gobshite she is. God knows what everyone on the plane must have thought.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Online tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6783 on: May 26, 2020, 10:53:09 am »
I was found at the bottom of a rocket silo with broken legs, arms, ribs, and severe lacerations. When the emergency services asked me what had happened, I said, "I don't know. The last thing I remember was that I was holidaying on Tracy Island, and I was just diving into the pool."
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline Duck ditch

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6784 on: Today at 12:03:48 pm »
I think I’ve just seen Dominic Cummings.  I was on a zebra crossing and this Car hit me.  He said he didn’t see me.

Offline Duck ditch

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6785 on: Today at 12:10:54 pm »
I have taken Dominic Cummings Advice.  I have been stood in this field for 24 Hours now, trying to get herd ammunity.

Offline Duck ditch

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6786 on: Today at 12:14:23 pm »
Dominic Cummings has encouraged people to open up ‘drive in’ opticians.

Offline Duck ditch

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6787 on: Today at 12:21:40 pm »
There are child care facilities in Easegill Caverns.  If you are within 260 Miles of here, you are welcome.

Offline Duck ditch

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6788 on: Today at 12:25:01 pm »
At last we know what ‘stay alert’ means.  Dominic Cummings might be heading your way.

Offline Duck ditch

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6789 on: Today at 12:29:02 pm »
I’ve found a loop hole.  It’s in wharfedale.

Offline Duck ditch

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6790 on: Today at 03:33:21 pm »
Just watching a special episode of ‘Escape to the country’ starring Dominic Cummings.

Offline Pitlamp

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6791 on: Today at 03:57:03 pm »
I thought the most appropriate place to point this link out to forum members would be in this jokes area. (Although taking the car for a spin to test one's eyesight - and taking the family with you thus risking their lives in the process as well - doesn't really seem to me to be much of a joke when we have to share the same roads with him.)

https://www.aol.co.uk/news/2020/05/28/brewdog-launches-barnard-castle-beer-in-dig-at-dominic-cummings/

Offline Duck ditch

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6792 on: Today at 06:13:57 pm »
You are right pitlamp it isn’t funny.  I have spent an afternoon keeping myself amused thinking up jokes because the truth is more ridiculous and offensive.  I can’t beat Mr Gove though.  He is 😂 Hilarious. 

Offline Jenny P

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6793 on: Today at 06:31:21 pm »
You couldn't make it up!!!

Offline Pitlamp

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6794 on: Today at 06:33:56 pm »
Indeed Jenny - but I'll resist the temptation to say more, as we risk straying off topic.

Online tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6795 on: Today at 08:40:56 pm »
l took  the wife up in the attic today to tidy it up a bit . Smelly, damp, dirty, full of cobwebs, but she's great with the kids.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

 

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