Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.

[Roger W]

Been having a lot of trouble with my hearing aids recently.  So I called the hospital to ask for an appointment at the audiology department.

That was a fortnight ago and I haven't heard a thing since.

[tony from suffolk]

A couple go to see a marriage counsellor. They say their marriage is on the rocks because they never speak to each other.

The counsellor tries to get them to talk, but they just sit there with their arms folded and their mouths closed. He tries playing games. He tries tricking them. Nothing he can do can get them to talk to each other.

Finally, he pulls out an electric bass and starts playing a solo.

Instantly, the couple turn to each other and start conversing for the first time in months.

“How on earth did you know that would work?” they ask.

“Simple,” he says, “Everyone always talks during the bass solo.”

[Mrs Trellis]

A bloke is having a check up at the doctors.

"Do you think I will have a long and healthy life?"

"I doubt it," says the doctor, shaking his head. "Mercury is in Uranus right now."

"I don't believe in that astrology crap, doc."

"Neither do I. My thermometer just broke!"

[tony from suffolk]

A man is alone in an airport lounge. A beautiful woman walks
in and sits down at the table next to him.

He decides, because she’s wearing a uniform, she’s probably an
off-duty stewardess.

So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying
the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.

He leans across to her and says the British Airways motto :

‘To Fly. To Serve’.

The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line.

He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto:
‘Winning the hearts of the world’.

Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on
her face.

Undeterred, he tries a third time, this time saying the Malaysian
Airlines motto:

‘Going beyond expectations’.

The woman looks at him sternly and says:

‘What the hell do you want?’

‘Ah ha!’ he says,

“Ryanair”.

[tony from suffolk]

I had a tough childhood, being born in the black forest.  It was rough growing up in the gateau...

[tony from suffolk]

We've called our coffee table Vincent; it's got a bit of veneer missing.

[oldfart]

There was an old man from Hyde
who fell in the cludgy and died.
He had a brother
who fell in another.
And now they're interred side by side.

[tamarmole]

There was an old man from Hyde
who fell in the cludgy and died.
He had a brother
who fell in another.
And now they're interred side by side.

I live in the Tamar Valley where there is a village called Luckett; a gift to limerick writers.

[sinker]

There was an old man from Hyde
who fell in the cludgy and died.
He had a brother
who fell in another.
And now they're interred side by side.

I live in the Tamar Valley where there is a village called Luckett; a gift to limerick writers.

"There once was a young man from Luckett
Who's......"

No, I'd better not.... 

[Fulk]

I once used to work with a guy called Lunt . . .

[crickleymal]

There was a young vampire called Mabel
Whose periods were remarkably stable
By the light of the moon
She'd take out a spoon
And drink herself under the table

[Speleofish]

Yuck!!
But rather brilliant....

[cavemanmike]

What about this one on the island of hoy

[Laurie]

There are three Twatts in northern Britain.

[paul]

Or four when Donald Trump goes golfing in Scotland.

[andys]

There was an old man from Hyde
who fell in the cludgy and died.
He had a brother
who fell in another.
And now they're interred side by side.

Ah! Its poetry in motions - da, di-da,da,daaa.

[TheBitterEnd]

There are three Twatts in northern Britain.

I'm sure I can think of more than 3 

[PeteHall]

What about this one on the island of hoy

Sorry to nit pick, but it's on Mainland Orkney, not Hoy, but excellent nonetheless! 

[Laurie]

There are three Twatts in northern Britain.

I'm sure I can think of more than 3 

'Spot the Twatt' competition!!!
YAY!

[Mrs Trellis]

Limerick for sex equality:-

There was a young girl/boy from Devizes
whose tits/balls were two different sizes
one was small and
weighed nothing at all
the other was huge and won prizes.

[tony from suffolk]

Today I thought my luck had changed and I was going to spend a romantic night at the home of a sexy woman.
I was queuing at the tills in Tesco's and an attractive woman on the till next to me said "Hi, would you like to come over?"

[RobinGriffiths]

Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, no minors.”

[andys]

Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, no minors.”

Doesn't that only work if C is in the group too? Otherwise Eb and G could be with their mate Bb which wouldn't make them minors at all.

[andys]

  for the above pedentry...... anyway.......

Some people think being working class is a negative thing but I think there’s loads of benefits. I’ve claimed them all.

[RobinGriffiths]

Werner Heisenberg gets stopped by the police speeding on the Autobhan. The policeman asks him "Do you know how fast you were going sir?". "No he replies, but I know exactly where I was".