Author Topic: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.  (Read 1416112 times)

Offline Roger W

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7350 on: April 07, 2021, 03:48:15 pm »
Been having a lot of trouble with my hearing aids recently.  So I called the hospital to ask for an appointment at the audiology department.

That was a fortnight ago and I haven't heard a thing since.
"That, of course, is the dangerous part about caves:  you don't know how far they go back, sometimes... or what is waiting for you inside."   JRR Tolkein: "The Hobbit"

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7351 on: April 08, 2021, 07:24:23 am »
A couple go to see a marriage counsellor. They say their marriage is on the rocks because they never speak to each other.

The counsellor tries to get them to talk, but they just sit there with their arms folded and their mouths closed. He tries playing games. He tries tricking them. Nothing he can do can get them to talk to each other.

Finally, he pulls out an electric bass and starts playing a solo.

Instantly, the couple turn to each other and start conversing for the first time in months.

“How on earth did you know that would work?” they ask.

“Simple,” he says, “Everyone always talks during the bass solo.”

"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Online Mrs Trellis

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7352 on: April 08, 2021, 10:55:25 am »
A bloke is having a check up at the doctors.

"Do you think I will have a long and healthy life?"

"I doubt it," says the doctor, shaking his head. "Mercury is in Uranus right now."

"I don't believe in that astrology crap, doc."

"Neither do I. My thermometer just broke!"
Mrs Trellis
Upper Sheeps Bottom
North Wales

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7353 on: April 08, 2021, 12:40:54 pm »
A man is alone in an airport lounge. A beautiful woman walks
in and sits down at the table next to him.

He decides, because she’s wearing a uniform, she’s probably an
off-duty stewardess.

So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying
the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.

He leans across to her and says the British Airways motto :

‘To Fly. To Serve’.

The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line.

He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto:
‘Winning the hearts of the world’.

Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on
her face.

Undeterred, he tries a third time, this time saying the Malaysian
Airlines motto:

‘Going beyond expectations’.

The woman looks at him sternly and says:

‘What the hell do you want?’

‘Ah ha!’ he says,

“Ryanair”.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7354 on: April 08, 2021, 05:01:50 pm »
I had a tough childhood, being born in the black forest.  It was rough growing up in the gateau...
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7355 on: April 10, 2021, 09:26:41 am »
We've called our coffee table Vincent; it's got a bit of veneer missing.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline oldfart

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7356 on: April 10, 2021, 10:21:48 am »
There was an old man from Hyde
who fell in the cludgy and died.
He had a brother
who fell in another.
And now they're interred side by side.

Online tamarmole

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7357 on: April 10, 2021, 11:24:07 am »
There was an old man from Hyde
who fell in the cludgy and died.
He had a brother
who fell in another.
And now they're interred side by side.

I live in the Tamar Valley where there is a village called Luckett; a gift to limerick writers.

Offline sinker

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7358 on: April 10, 2021, 01:51:02 pm »
There was an old man from Hyde
who fell in the cludgy and died.
He had a brother
who fell in another.
And now they're interred side by side.



I live in the Tamar Valley where there is a village called Luckett; a gift to limerick writers.


"There once was a young man from Luckett
Who's......"

No, I'd better not....  :halo:

Ah, well, now, you see...erm...

Offline Fulk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7359 on: April 10, 2021, 03:46:09 pm »
I once used to work with a guy called Lunt . . .

Offline crickleymal

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7360 on: April 10, 2021, 08:17:28 pm »
There was a young vampire called Mabel
Whose periods were remarkably stable
By the light of the moon
She'd take out a spoon
And drink herself under the table
Malc
Rusted and ropy, dog-eared old copy.
Vintage and classic or just plain Jurassic:
all words to describe me.

Offline Speleofish

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7361 on: April 10, 2021, 09:20:50 pm »
Yuck!!
But rather brilliant....

Online cavemanmike

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7362 on: April 11, 2021, 10:30:40 am »
What about this one on the island of hoy

Offline Laurie

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7363 on: April 11, 2021, 12:47:43 pm »
There are three Twatts in northern Britain.
MNRC

Online paul

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7364 on: April 11, 2021, 01:24:49 pm »
Or four when Donald Trump goes golfing in Scotland.
I'm not a complete idiot: some parts are missing!

Offline andys

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7365 on: April 11, 2021, 02:05:15 pm »
There was an old man from Hyde
who fell in the cludgy and died.
He had a brother
who fell in another.
And now they're interred side by side.

Ah! Its poetry in motions - da, di-da,da,daaa.
Plateaus are the highest form of flattery.

Offline TheBitterEnd

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7366 on: April 11, 2021, 11:00:21 pm »
There are three Twatts in northern Britain.

I'm sure I can think of more than 3  ;D
'Never argue with a fool, onlookers may not be able to tell the difference.' — Mark Twain

Online PeteHall

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7367 on: April 12, 2021, 08:27:36 am »
What about this one on the island of hoy
Sorry to nit pick, but it's on Mainland Orkney, not Hoy, but excellent nonetheless!  ;D

Offline Laurie

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7368 on: April 12, 2021, 10:58:24 am »
There are three Twatts in northern Britain.

I'm sure I can think of more than 3  ;D
'Spot the Twatt' competition!!!
YAY!
MNRC

Online Mrs Trellis

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7369 on: April 12, 2021, 11:25:33 am »
Limerick for sex equality:-

There was a young girl/boy from Devizes
whose tits/balls were two different sizes
one was small and
weighed nothing at all
the other was huge and won prizes.

Mrs Trellis
Upper Sheeps Bottom
North Wales

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7370 on: April 13, 2021, 09:57:14 am »
Today I thought my luck had changed and I was going to spend a romantic night at the home of a sexy woman.
I was queuing at the tills in Tesco's and an attractive woman on the till next to me said "Hi, would you like to come over?"
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Online RobinGriffiths

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7371 on: April 13, 2021, 10:48:06 am »
Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, no minors.”

Offline andys

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7372 on: April 13, 2021, 01:19:03 pm »
Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, no minors.”

Doesn't that only work if C is in the group too? Otherwise Eb and G could be with their mate Bb which wouldn't make them minors at all.
Plateaus are the highest form of flattery.

Offline andys

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7373 on: April 13, 2021, 04:28:36 pm »
 :spank: for the above pedentry...... anyway.......

Some people think being working class is a negative thing but I think there’s loads of benefits. I’ve claimed them all.

Plateaus are the highest form of flattery.

Online RobinGriffiths

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7374 on: April 13, 2021, 04:44:53 pm »
Werner Heisenberg gets stopped by the police speeding on the Autobhan. The policeman asks him "Do you know how fast you were going sir?". "No he replies, but I know exactly where I was".

 

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