Author Topic: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.  (Read 1122831 times)

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5975 on: March 30, 2018, 12:01:29 pm »
A bicycle can't stand on its own. Why? Because it's two tyred.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline jbaer

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5976 on: March 30, 2018, 01:39:27 pm »
Why does  President Putin write in lower case?

Because he hates Capitalism.

Offline Laurie

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5977 on: March 31, 2018, 10:02:53 pm »
Easter Day and April Fools Day are on the same day.
So, send the kids on an Easter egg hunt, just don't hide any eggs.  :tease:
2015 - Green insurance card swapped for a red one :(

Offline andys

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5978 on: April 04, 2018, 11:02:19 am »
There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator - but only a faction of people will find this funny.
Plateaus are the highest form of flattery.

Offline crickleymal

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5979 on: April 04, 2018, 01:09:24 pm »
but only a faction of people will find this funny.
That's a bit sectsist
Malc
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Vintage and classic or just plain Jurassic:
all words to describe me.

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5980 on: April 07, 2018, 01:37:09 pm »
Police are looking for a man who is refusing to update his PDF reader.

He's described as 37, single, with no fixed adobe.

"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5981 on: April 08, 2018, 09:20:40 am »
A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole at the local
golf course when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him.

The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.

They were even after the first two holes. The second guy said, "We're
about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?"

The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms.

The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease. As they were
walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80.00.
He confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and
liked to pick on suckers.

The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest.

The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money.

The Priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you.
You keep your winnings."

The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation.
And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them".
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5982 on: April 14, 2018, 12:12:32 pm »
A woman is at a funeral when a stranger whispers in her ear:

”Would you mind if I said a word?”

”Not at all, please go ahead”

”Plethora” he said.

”Thank you” she replied, “that means a lot”
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline Mrs Trellis

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5983 on: April 16, 2018, 10:37:08 pm »
I went to a Kleptomaniac's Anonymous meeting earlier. All the seats were taken.
Mrs Trellis
Upper Sheeps Bottom
North Wales

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5984 on: April 17, 2018, 09:03:37 am »
I met a girl in a club last night, and after a few drinks she asked if I would like to go back to her place for sex.

I didn't want to disappoint her, so I said no.

"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline andys

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5985 on: April 17, 2018, 10:28:00 am »
I just found out I'm colorblind. The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.
Plateaus are the highest form of flattery.

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5986 on: April 17, 2018, 08:26:06 pm »
"I've just built a model of Mount Everest."

"Is it to scale?"

"No, just to look at."
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline hoehlenforscher

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5987 on: April 18, 2018, 08:37:06 am »
I went to an Eskimo restaurant and asked the waiter about the specials : he said "we've got whale meat or whale meat, or whale meat ...or we've got the Vera Lynn"
I said "what's the Vera Lynn?"
He said "Whale meat again!!

Offline hoehlenforscher

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5988 on: April 18, 2018, 08:48:26 am »
I think my caving days are over as I’ve just had some bad news.

I haven’t been well lately and was told yesterday I have to have my left leg removed below the knee.

I’m trying to stay positive and they do say every cloud has a silver lining.

The good news is I have a new job at a brewery.

I’m going to be in charge of the hops!

Offline cooleycr

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5989 on: April 18, 2018, 09:33:39 am »
Remember to check your punctuation at all times...

There's a maypole dancer

Theresa May, pole dancer

the one I like, seeing as I have had a interest in amphibians most of my life, is -

Frog spawn
Frogs' pawn
TSG

Online Kenilworth

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5990 on: April 18, 2018, 10:43:21 pm »


the one I like, seeing as I have had a interest in amphibians most of my life, is -

Frog spawn
Frogs' pawn

All year the flax-dam festered in the heart
Of the townland; green and heavy headed
Flax had rotted there, weighted down by huge sods.
Daily it sweltered in the punishing sun.
Bubbles gargled delicately, bluebottles
Wove a strong gauze of sound around the smell.
There were dragonflies, spotted butterflies,
But best of all was the warm thick slobber
Of frogspawn that grew like clotted water
In the shade of the banks. Here, every spring
I would fill jampotfuls of the jellied
Specks to range on window sills at home,
On shelves at school, and wait and watch until
The fattening dots burst, into nimble
Swimming tadpoles. Miss Walls would tell us how
The daddy frog was called a bullfrog
And how he croaked and how the mammy frog
Laid hundreds of little eggs and this was
Frogspawn. You could tell the weather by frogs too
For they were yellow in the sun and brown
In rain.

    Then one hot day when fields were rank
With cowdung in the grass the angry frogs
Invaded the flax-dam; I ducked through hedges
To a coarse croaking that I had not heard
Before. The air was thick with a bass chorus.
Right down the dam gross bellied frogs were cocked
On sods; their loose necks pulsed like sails. Some hopped:
The slap and plop were obscene threats. Some sat
Poised like mud grenades, their blunt heads farting.
I sickened, turned, and ran. The great slime kings
Were gathered there for vengeance and I knew
That if I dipped my hand the spawn would clutch it.

Offline Laurie

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5991 on: April 19, 2018, 06:37:57 pm »
Sad but probably true !

“Hello - is this Gordon's Pizza?”
“No, sir - it's Google’s Pizza.”
“I must have dialled a wrong number. Sorry.”
“No, sir, this is the correct number. Google bought Gordon's Pizza last month.”
“Oh! Okay, I would like to order a pizza.”
“Do you want your usual, sir?”
“My usual? You know me?”
“According to our caller ID data, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meat balls on a thick crust."
“Right! That's what I want.”
“May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat, gluten-free, thin crust?”
“What? I detest vegetables!”
“Your cholesterol is not good, sir.”
“How the hell do you know that?”
“We cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.”
“No, I don’t want a vegetable pizza - I take medication for cholesterol.”
“Excuse me, sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database you purchased a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once at Drug sale Network, 4 months ago.”
“I bought more from another drugstore.
“That doesn't show on your credit card statement.”
“I paid cash.”
“But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.”
“I have other sources of cash.”
“That doesn't show on your last tax return, unless you're using an undeclared income source, which is against the law.”
“WHAT THE HELL? ! ! ! !”
“I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.”
“Well I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Snapchat, Instagram, Twitter, WhatsApp and the others!! I'm going to an island with no internet, no cable TV – some place where there is no cell phone service and no one to spy on me!”
“I understand, sir. But you need to renew your passport first? It expired 6 weeks ago.”
2015 - Green insurance card swapped for a red one :(

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5992 on: April 20, 2018, 09:28:21 pm »
Mr Cyclops: "Hun, how do you spell Hawaii?"

Wife: (biting lip).. "I think you need two 'i's."

Mr Cyclops: (puts pen down angrily)...
"My life is just a joke to you isn't it!"
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5993 on: April 21, 2018, 09:45:06 am »
I used to worry about having a small penis. Then I realised I actually have gigantic balls.

"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline andys

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5994 on: April 21, 2018, 01:58:54 pm »
I used to worry about having a small penis. Then I realised I actually have gigantic balls.

What a cock and bull story that is!
Plateaus are the highest form of flattery.