Author Topic: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing. (Read 1199240 times)

tony from suffolk · « **Reply #6025 on:** May 13, 2018, 02:18:19 pm »

I think the wife's got me a build-it-yourself scale model of a horse for my birthday next month.

I've just found a big piece of it hidden in her bedside drawer.

mrodoc · « **Reply #6026 on:** May 16, 2018, 06:35:44 am »

Came across this bloke hitting a moribund character dressed as a Viking. Told him I thought he was flogging a dead Norse.

martinb · « **Reply #6027 on:** May 16, 2018, 11:37:56 am »

Quote from: mrodoc on May 16, 2018, 06:35:44 am

Came across this bloke hitting a moribund character dressed as a Viking. Told him I thought he was flogging a dead Norse.

As well as a like button, please can we have a 'groan' button?

dugadig · « **Reply #6028 on:** May 16, 2018, 05:24:17 pm »

::)The mighty thunder god leapt onto his horse and shouted "I'm Thor".
The horse looked up and said " Thaths becauth you forgot your thaddle thilly"!

Alex · « **Reply #6029 on:** May 17, 2018, 01:39:54 pm »

I am surprised the horse did not bolt.

Oceanrower · « **Reply #6030 on:** May 17, 2018, 01:55:55 pm »

"Don't worry, darling," the girlfriend said to me, "size doesn't matter."

All our wallpaper fell off...

Laurie · « **Reply #6031 on:** May 25, 2018, 11:00:57 am »

Man: "Hey Google, tell my wife that I cant make for the dinner with her parents."

Google Assistant: "Okay, will do."

After some considerable time...

Google Assistant: "Next time, you talk to your wife yourself."

Maj · « **Reply #6032 on:** May 25, 2018, 12:17:32 pm »

I have a speed bump phobia.

But I’m slowly getting over it.

Maj.

dugadig · « **Reply #6033 on:** May 25, 2018, 06:40:03 pm »

My new girlfriend was shocked when she saw the size of my huge manhood.
She is gradually accepting it though!

andys · « **Reply #6034 on:** May 27, 2018, 10:58:54 am »

Statistics show that vegetarians live on average ten years longer than meat eaters.

Ten long miserable years.

tony from suffolk · « **Reply #6035 on:** June 01, 2018, 06:08:17 pm »

Two tunnocks caramel logs standing in the arrivals lounge at Glasgow airport. One turns to the other and says, how long you been a wafer?

ZombieCake · « **Reply #6036 on:** June 02, 2018, 12:41:28 am »

Does anyone else find that Vampires are a pain in the neck?

Laurie · « **Reply #6037 on:** June 03, 2018, 12:43:56 pm »

Quote from: ZombieCake on June 02, 2018, 12:41:28 am

Does anyone else find that Vampires are a pain in the neck?

Yeah, they really suck!

Rhinolophus · « **Reply #6038 on:** June 03, 2018, 02:26:41 pm »

Humour with a bite!

hoehlenforscher · « **Reply #6039 on:** June 05, 2018, 04:15:58 pm »

My wife said she could give me 14 reasons to leave me, not including my obsession with tennis.

I said, that's 15 love

Laurie · « **Reply #6040 on:** June 08, 2018, 09:51:42 am »

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said "I want a second opinion". He said "OK, you're ugly too".

tony from suffolk · « **Reply #6041 on:** June 11, 2018, 06:10:34 pm »

I picked up a hitchhiker recently.

He seemed surprised that I’d pick up a complete stranger. “Thanks, but why would you pick me up? For all you know, I could be a serial killer."

I said to him “The chances of having two serial killers in the one car would be astronomical."

hoehlenforscher · « **Reply #6042 on:** June 11, 2018, 06:53:16 pm »

The wife's mood swings are getting worse as she gets older...

she almost connected with the last one

tony from suffolk · « **Reply #6043 on:** June 12, 2018, 06:28:32 am »

Retrospectively, I wish I'd bought my baked beans online.

Heinz's site is a wonderful thing.

Maj · « **Reply #6044 on:** June 12, 2018, 08:09:01 pm »

I think the water bed was the start of the end of our relationship.

We started to drift apart.

Maj.

tony from suffolk · « **Reply #6045 on:** June 13, 2018, 09:12:14 am »

Laurie · « **Reply #6046 on:** June 13, 2018, 11:43:33 am »

I bet somebody works it out....?

tony from suffolk · « **Reply #6047 on:** June 13, 2018, 11:58:20 am »

I'm just waiting for it Laurie!

Spike · « **Reply #6048 on:** June 13, 2018, 01:31:27 pm »

-2.9812669

So guessing 2981?

shortscotsman · « **Reply #6049 on:** June 13, 2018, 06:32:29 pm »

( -202 Sqrt[2] - 135 Log[3 - 2 Sqrt[2]] )/16

..thats quite a PIN!