Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.

[Mrs Trellis]

I went to the cinema last night. A man sat near me had his dog. The dog seemed really engrossed in the film.
When the film ended I said to the owner,
"This might sound weird, but your dog seemed to really enjoy that".
He replied, "Yes I was surprised too. He hated the book!"

 

[Mrs Trellis]

Be careful people. There are a lot of scams on the internet...
For just £9.99 I can show you how to avoid them!

 

[Mrs Trellis]

Please make sure you don't make the same mistake I did leaving Alexa switched on before having sex...

On an unrelated note does anyone want to buy 13 jars of cumin?

 

[TheBitterEnd]

I just can’t believe how rude the suppository helpline was when I rang them !

 

[tony from suffolk]

If you are not sure what an innuendo is and would like an example, I’d be happy to give you one.

 

[andys]

What do you call a Magician that looses his magic?

Ian

 

[Mrs Trellis]

All these idiots letting off fireworks 3 weeks early…

Just made me fall over the Christmas tree!

 

[hoehlenforscher]

I was watching Match of the Day last Saturday when the missus walks in and says 'fancy a sh4g?'

'I'm watching the football love'

'You do know that you can record it', she says.

'Cool, you grab the camcorder and I'll join you when the footy's finished'

 

[Mrs Trellis]

Celebrating Trafalgar Day today......

Lord Nelson was about 5ft 6".
His statue is 17ft 4".
That’s Horatio of about 3:1

 

[andys]

I was once asked at a job interview whether or not I could perform under pressure...
"No", I said. "But I can do a cracking Bohemian Rhapsody".

 

[GarDouth]

My friend's been ill in bed for the past couple of weeks, so I went round today and took some DVDs and a bottle of wine.
Fingers crossed he won't notice they're gone.

 

[TheBitterEnd]

 

[Robert Scott]

Not to mention North East Somerset.

 

[Mrs Trellis]

 

[Mrs Trellis]

 

[Mrs Trellis]

Someone told me that pets settle far better if you let them sleep at the end of your bed...
It's true, my goldfish hasn't woken up yet!

 

[Mrs Trellis]

A builder says to a girl in a nightclub, "I have an 8" penis & can make love all night."
The next morning she says, "You said you had an 8" penis & could last all night but it was only 5" & you lasted only 3 mins.
Builder replies, "I'm a builder. It was only a fucking estimate!"

 

[GarDouth]

Bad news for dyslexics this month. Their cocks go black.

 

[andys]

A German shepherd, a Doberman and a cat all died and wen to heaven. There, they met God,who wanted to know what they believed in.
The German shepherd said "i believe in discipline, loyalty and training to my master". "Good" said God. "You may sit on my right side".
The Doberman said "I believe in love,care and protection of my master". "Aha, you may sit on my left side." said God.
Then God looked at the cat and asked what he believed in"? The cat replied " I believe you are sitting in my seat".

 

[Mrs Trellis]

I was in Tesco earlier, and I said to the checkout lady,
"This has got today's date on it love. Can I get something knocked off?"
She said, "Do you want the fucking newspaper or not?"