Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.

[RobinGriffiths]

Or his Chinese friend Wun Hung Lo ?

 

[Mrs Trellis]

Yep - he could swing 'em to and fro.

 

[Mrs Trellis]

A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood.

The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”

“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.

 

[Mrs Trellis]

I'm taking my door handle for a walk...........
it gets me out of the house.

 

[tony from suffolk]

Yesterday I went to a local flea market and found a really old Elvis record that I have never come across before.
The label said ‘Wooden Leg’
I said to the stall owner “That’s strange, I thought he sang Wooden Heart”
The guy running the stall replied “Yeah he did but this is the pirate version”.

 

[Mrs Trellis]

Can I ask, is the correct term "for f***'s sake" or "for f*** sake?"

It's for a work email so I want it to look professional!

 

[Mrs Trellis]

At the shop I asked if I could pay by card
"Which one?"
"Six of diamonds. "

 

[Mrs Trellis]

My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.

I said it must be my weekend immune system.

 

[Mrs Trellis]

Did you know that if you have a breakdown in an electric car you can still use the AA…

However if it's a small electric car you have to use the AAA.

 

[tony from suffolk]

A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a Triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.

 

[hoehlenforscher]

I’ve just spent lunchtime building a time machine.

That’s an hour of my life I will get back.

 

[Mrs Trellis]

My boss has threatened to fire the employee with the worst posture…
I have a hunch, it might be me!

 

[Mrs Trellis]

If a woman sleeps with many men shes a slut...
If a man does the same he's a homosexual.
When will the double standards end?

 

[andys]

I've lost my job as a refuse collector becaue of alcoholism. I just kept falling off the wagon.

 

[Mrs Trellis]

A bloke with a gun enters a bar.
"Who the hell had sex with my wife?" he snarled.
A voice was heard in the background, "You don't have enough bullets!"

 

[Mrs Trellis]

Girlfriend: "Babe I want and really like this pair of shoes but I left my purse at home."
Me: "How much are they?"
GF: "£750."
Me: Opens wallet...
GF: Excited...
Me: "Here's £10. Get a taxi and go fetch your purse. I'll wait for you here!"

 

[Mrs Trellis]

Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"

 

[Mrs Trellis]

I've been a bit depressed lately.
Only last week I noticed that I have a grey pubic hair.....
βut I stayed calm about it.
I didn't freak out...
unlike the other miserable bastards in the lift!

 

[Mrs Trellis]

I've asked so many people what LGBTQ+ stands for…
so far no one has given me a straight answer!

 

[andys]

Its been a great day. I've managed to open nearly 20 birthday cards and have the best part of £100 already. I just love working in the sorting office.