Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.

[hoehlenforscher]

I met a Mobius Strip one evening, sitting alone, sobbing inconsolably

“whats wrong?” I asked

“where do I even begin?”

 

[Mrs Trellis]

Liverpool police stopped a car & were amazed to find it taxed, valid MOT & insured.
It wasn't stolen, there were no stolen goods or drugs.
The driver was sober & had a full clean licence...
A police spokesman said, "We had no option but to fine him £80 for wasting police time!"

 

[Mrs Trellis]

I'm going to take up coin collecting...
The change will do me good!

 

[Mrs Trellis]

I need to re-home a dog. It's a small terrier, and tends to bark a lot.
If you're interested, let me know and I'll jump over next door's fence and get it for you!

 

[Mrs Trellis]

I've just read that The Innuendo Society has seen a huge rise in its members.

 

[Mrs Trellis]

The dog has eaten all the Scrabble tiles..........now he's leaving little messages all over the place.

 

[Mrs Trellis]

My wife is blaming me for ruining her birthday… that's ridiculous, I didn't even know it was her birthday!

 

[GarDouth]

Walking home last night, I passed a slice of apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought to myself, "The streets seem strangely desserted."

 

[hyweldavies]

I've just read that The Innuendo Society has seen a huge rise in its members.

A girl goes into a bar and orders a double entendre. ... so the barman gave her one.

 

[Mrs Trellis]

Funeral costs are so bloody expensive these days...
.....at my mother-in-law's after paying for the bouncy castle and pony rides, I could barely afford the face-painting!

 

[andys]

My girlfriend left me after I spent our holiday money on a penis enlarger. She said she couldn't take it any longer.

 

[hyweldavies]

A girl goes into a bar and orders a double entendre. ... so the barman gave her one.

and another girl asked for a single entendre ... so the barman f***d her

 

[andys]

Reminds me of a quote in the press that read "Spokeswoman for Bradford sex workers says that working girls are getting shafted by their punters."

 

[RobinGriffiths]

Barry Cryer joke..



A woman walks past a petshop and spots a magnificent parrot in the window.

She rushes inside and says, ‘How much for the parrot?’

‘£5,’ says the shopkeeper.

‘Only £5? I’ve got to have it,’ says the woman. ‘Why’s it so cheap?’

‘Well, I must confess, it was brought up in a brothel,’ said the shopkeeper. ‘And, to put it politely, it has quite an extensive vocabulary.’

‘Never mind,’ says the woman. ‘At that price, I’ll take it.’

So she takes the parrot home, puts its cage in the living room and takes the cover off.

‘New place - very nice,’ says the parrot.

Then the woman’s two daughters walk in.

‘New place, new girls - very nice,’ says the parrot.

Then the woman’s husband walks in, and the parrot says, ‘Oh hello, Keith!’

 

[Mrs Trellis]

Baz's parrot joke #2

 

[Mrs Trellis]

There's a way of telling the sex of an orange...
If it squirts in your eye without warning, it's male.
If it's bitter for no apparent reason, it's female!

 

[legendrider]

Just treated myself to a new book

"A Guide to Keeping Budgerigars" by Hugh Zapretti-Boyden.

 

[legendrider]

The Force is just like duct tape....

it has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together

 

[Maj]

I've just sorted the fault on the Scout minibus horn.


Beep repaired.

 

[andys]

Wall calendars. Their days are numbered.