Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.

[Mrs Trellis]

 

[Mrs Trellis]

My friend says he can throw a stick a mile and his dog will find it and bring it back?

Sounds a bit far fetched to me!

 

[tony from suffolk]

I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I'm now in hospital, waiting to be seen.

 

[GarDouth]

The lady at the checkout said "strip down, facing me".
By the time I'd realised she was talking about my debit card, it was too late.

 

[Mrs Trellis]

The man who invented Tupperware has sadly passed away.
The funeral was delayed by an hour because they couldn't find the correct sized lid for his coffin.

 

[andys]

The man who invented Tupperware has sadly passed away.
The funeral was delayed by an hour because they couldn't find the correct sized lid for his coffin.

He - Earl Tupper - died in 1983 so this joke can only be nearly 40 years old.  On the other hand, if the cap fits.......

 

[Mrs Trellis]

.............unlike the coffin lid.

 

[GarDouth]

If anyone's got any tips on how to reverse cheap plastic surgery, I'm all ears.

 

[Mrs Trellis]

I'm going to treat myself tonight - with a bath in creosote.

 

[tony from suffolk]

Went to the Doctors yesterday and told him I was getting short of breath when I went up a steep hill. He said that I should expect that at my time of life. I said, ?What, in a car??

 

[Laurie]

Went to the Doctors yesterday and told him I was getting short of breath when I went up a steep hill. He said that I should expect that at my time of life. I said, ?What, in a car??

Long Covid?  :

 

[Mrs Trellis]

Long Covid?  :

.....nah Long Hill.

 

[Mrs Trellis]

I once went to a lecture about counterfeiting money?

Can't remember much about it though. We weren't allowed to make notes!

 

[hoehlenforscher]

I know it’s a long shot but does anyone know what a trebuchet is?

 

[Mrs Trellis]

When the doctor said there was a cure for dyslexia, it was music to my arse.

 

[andys]

My mum always told our neighbours that I loved alphabet soup when I was little. But really it was just her putting words in my mouth.

 

[hoehlenforscher]

My mate told me he wants to go to the Sahara to dig deep holes in the desert to get water for the locals. I know he means well.

 

[Martin Wright]

The wisdom of Confucius:

Girl who sit on jockey's knee get hot tip

Girl who sit on judge's knee get honourable discharge

Man who go to sleep with sex problem on his mind wake up with solution on his chest

The three certainties in life are death, taxes and student nurses

 

[hoehlenforscher]

The only cow in a small town in Scotland stopped giving milk. The town folk
found they could buy a cow in Wales quite cheaply. They brought the cow from
Wales and it was wonderful, produced lots of milk every day, and everyone
was happy. They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so
they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again. They put the bull
in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow,
the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow
would move away from the bull and he was never able to do the deed. The
people were very upset and decided to go the Vet, who was very wise, tell
him what was happening and ask his advice. "Whenever the bull tries to mount
our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward,
they said. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he
attempts from the one side, she walks away to the other side. "The Vet rubbed
his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking:
"Did you by chance, buy this cow in Wales? "The people were dumbfounded,
since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from
Wales. "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the
cow from Wales?"
The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Wales"

 

[GarDouth]

My therapist told me "write letters to the people you hate and then burn them."
Did that, but now I don't know what to do with the letters.