Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
- Thread starter Mrs Trellis
- Start date
tony from suffolk
Well-known member
My favourite childhood memory was building sandcastles with my grandpa..until my mum took the urn away.
tony from suffolk
Well-known member
A guy walked into a barbershop and sat in the chair.
The barber asked, “Are you going anywhere on vacation this year?”
The guy replied, “Yes actually, my wife and I are going to Italy.”
The barber said, “Why you going there? It’s rubbish!”
“Well, the weather is supposed to be nice,” answered the guy.
The barber replied, “Well, when me and my wife went to Italy a few years ago it pissed down with rain every day we were there.”
The guy said, “Well, I hear the food is nice.”
The barber laughed. “When me and the wife went the stuff they gave us was almost inedible.”
The guy said, “Um, well, we’d really like to see the Roman architecture.”
“You’ll be lucky,” said the barber. “They’re doing the place up. Tarpaulin and scaffolding everywhere. Can’t see a thing!”
Frustrated, the guy turned to him and said, “Okay mate, I’ll square it with you. The wife and I, we’re Catholic. And we’d really like to go to the Vatican and see the Pope.”
The barber quickly answered, “Well, me and the wife are also Catholic. And we wanted to see the Pope too. But when we went to St Peter’s Square, we were crammed in with a million other Catholics and when he was on the balcony, all you could see was the tip of his hat… Honestly. Don’t go to Italy.”
A month passed and the guy returned to the barbershop and sat in the same chair.
The barber said, “Oh yeah, weren’t you the guy who was going to Italy?”
“Yes I am,” replied the guy. “And I have some issues to raise with you. Firstly, the sun was splitting the trees every day, the weather was amazing.
Secondly, the food… pizza, pasta… it was incredible.
Third… You said we wouldn’t be able to see the Roman architecture. In fact, we could touch it. It was astoundng to be so close to ancient history.”
“Ah,” said the barber, “but did you see the Pope?”
“Well yes,” said the guy. “We did go to St. Peter’s Square and we were crammed in there with a million other Catholics, and when the Pope came out all we could see was the tip of his hat. We were disappointed. But then his hands came out over the balcony and pointed to our section of the crowd, and everyone began murmuring and I was like, ‘What’s going on?!’ Then the Pope came out into the square flanked by his Swiss Guard and he began his making way into the crowd, which parted before him like the Red Sea. The crowd began to grow excited and I could see he was coming in our direction.
Then suddenly the folks in front of us moved and there was the Pope, the Bishop of Rome, standing before us, looking at ME!
Then the Holy Father himself reached out, gently took my hand and gazing at me intently he asked, ‘Who the f*** cut your hair?’”
The barber asked, “Are you going anywhere on vacation this year?”
The guy replied, “Yes actually, my wife and I are going to Italy.”
The barber said, “Why you going there? It’s rubbish!”
“Well, the weather is supposed to be nice,” answered the guy.
The barber replied, “Well, when me and my wife went to Italy a few years ago it pissed down with rain every day we were there.”
The guy said, “Well, I hear the food is nice.”
The barber laughed. “When me and the wife went the stuff they gave us was almost inedible.”
The guy said, “Um, well, we’d really like to see the Roman architecture.”
“You’ll be lucky,” said the barber. “They’re doing the place up. Tarpaulin and scaffolding everywhere. Can’t see a thing!”
Frustrated, the guy turned to him and said, “Okay mate, I’ll square it with you. The wife and I, we’re Catholic. And we’d really like to go to the Vatican and see the Pope.”
The barber quickly answered, “Well, me and the wife are also Catholic. And we wanted to see the Pope too. But when we went to St Peter’s Square, we were crammed in with a million other Catholics and when he was on the balcony, all you could see was the tip of his hat… Honestly. Don’t go to Italy.”
A month passed and the guy returned to the barbershop and sat in the same chair.
The barber said, “Oh yeah, weren’t you the guy who was going to Italy?”
“Yes I am,” replied the guy. “And I have some issues to raise with you. Firstly, the sun was splitting the trees every day, the weather was amazing.
Secondly, the food… pizza, pasta… it was incredible.
Third… You said we wouldn’t be able to see the Roman architecture. In fact, we could touch it. It was astoundng to be so close to ancient history.”
“Ah,” said the barber, “but did you see the Pope?”
“Well yes,” said the guy. “We did go to St. Peter’s Square and we were crammed in there with a million other Catholics, and when the Pope came out all we could see was the tip of his hat. We were disappointed. But then his hands came out over the balcony and pointed to our section of the crowd, and everyone began murmuring and I was like, ‘What’s going on?!’ Then the Pope came out into the square flanked by his Swiss Guard and he began his making way into the crowd, which parted before him like the Red Sea. The crowd began to grow excited and I could see he was coming in our direction.
Then suddenly the folks in front of us moved and there was the Pope, the Bishop of Rome, standing before us, looking at ME!
Then the Holy Father himself reached out, gently took my hand and gazing at me intently he asked, ‘Who the f*** cut your hair?’”
Mrs Trellis
Well-known member
It's incredible how many French words are integrated in the English language…
like 'Hors D'oeuvres' for starters!
like 'Hors D'oeuvres' for starters!
Mrs Trellis
Well-known member
Mrs Trellis
Well-known member
My pal is worries he's got a mouse up his back passage................
........squeaky bum time.
........squeaky bum time.
TheBitterEnd
Well-known member
TheBitterEnd
Well-known member
wormster
Active member
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back.
John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.
In desperation, John threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.
As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, when the bird continued,
"May I ask what the turkey did?"
John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back.
John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.
In desperation, John threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.
As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, when the bird continued,
"May I ask what the turkey did?"
TheBitterEnd
Well-known member
Strange beer to the left of me, cheap biscuits to the right. Here I am, stuck in the Lidl with you!
Mark
Well-known member
Have a look at their other stuff, its hilarious
alanw
Well-known member
tony from suffolk
Well-known member
My doctor told me I’m suffering from paranoia. Well, he didn’t actually say that, but I could tell that’s what he was thinking.
tony from suffolk
Well-known member
Today, my mother showed me the ice pick that her sister used to climb Everest. I had expected to be impressed, but it was a bit of an auntie climb axe.
Mrs Trellis
Well-known member
A drunk girl staggered up to me in the street and said, "Can I pinch a cigarette from you please?"
"Show me your tits & then ask me the question again", I replied.
So she lifted up her top & bra and said, "Can I pinch a cigarette from you please?"
"Sorry love. I don't smoke!"
"Show me your tits & then ask me the question again", I replied.
So she lifted up her top & bra and said, "Can I pinch a cigarette from you please?"
"Sorry love. I don't smoke!"
Mrs Trellis
Well-known member
hoehlenforscher
Active member
