Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.

[hoehlenforscher]

A Tibetan Monk has apparently seen the face of Jesus in a tub of margarine.

He told reporters "I can't believe it's not Buddha"

 

[Mrs Trellis]

Pre-decimal one:-

There was a young man from Australia
who painted his @rse like a dahlia (entry into Gardener's World)
Penny a smell
went down very well
but twopence a lick was a failure

 

[Mrs Trellis]

....and a speleological one ..... sort of......

There as a man from Belgrave
who found an old whore in a cave
He said it isn't disgusting
she only needs dusting
just think of the money I'll save.

 

[Oceanrower]

There was a young man from Peru
Who’s limericks stopped at line two…

 

[Mrs Trellis]

There was a young man from Tralee
who once was stung by a wasp
When asked if it hurt
he said no it doesn't
it can do it again if it likes.

 

[Mrs Trellis]

....and a cost-of-living crisis one from north of the border.....aye........

There as a young man from Dounreay
who buggered his father one day
He said "I'd much rather
stick it up Father
he's clean and ye don't have to pay"

 

[legendrider]

There was a young fellow from Kent
Whose tool was remarkably bent
To save himself trouble
He stuffed it in double
And instead of coming he went!

 

[Mrs Trellis]

Limerick free zone..............

For my age I have a lot going for me…
My eyes are going, my knees are going, my back is going!

 

[Mrs Trellis]

I'm going to have to return the camouflage jacket I bought last week...
I just can’t see myself wearing it!

 

[Mrs Trellis]

Last night I walked past the cemetery and came upon three young girls who asked me to walk with them through the graveyard as they were afraid to do so at night. I walked with them and , on the way, told them that once upon a time I felt the same as they did when I was alive.

 

[Dickie Bird]

A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.
"You know what?" says the 7 year old, "I think it's about time we started swearing."
The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
The 7 year old says "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to swear first, then you swear after me, OK?"
"Ok" the 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast.

"Oh, shit Mum, I s'pose I'll have some Coco Pops"

WHACK!! - He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out. She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice,:-

"And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"

I don't know, Mum" he blubbers,"but it won't be fucking Coco Pops."

Man goes into an old fashioned Victorian public toilet. Says to the guy in the next cubicle "Excuse but I can't help noticing that you are circumsised".
Other fella says "Didn't think you could see over these big partitions?"
First chap "Well no you can't but I I can tell you the doctor that performed the little operation"
Second chap "Impossible! That was fourty years ago"
First chap "It was Doctor Michael Greesward of 26 Leyland Avenue Weston-super- Mare"
Second chap "Good Lord, that's amazing. How on earth did you know that?"
First chap "Well, I happen to know Dr Greesward always cuts 'em on the slant and at the moment you're pissing on my foot".

 

[TheBitterEnd]

 

[TheBitterEnd]

 

[Mrs Trellis]

One of the best things about Christmas is opening all the Christmas cards and watching the cash pour out.
Yes - we had a wonderful time in the GPO sorting office.

 

[Mrs Trellis]

Funniest joke out there - Gregg's have opened a find dining Bistro

 

[Mrs Trellis]

The British Museum has admitted that its Christmas cake exhibit was stollen.

 

[legendrider]

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but it takes a long time and the light bulb has to want to change.

 

[legendrider]

Just heard this on the lunchtime news

The government has been heavily criticised for a lack of planning and strategy over the UK's water infrastructure, citing in particular, no new reservoir construction projects in over 30 years.

This was highlighted in a damming report.....

 

[Mrs Trellis]

Just heard this on the lunchtime news

The government has been heavily criticised for a lack of planning and strategy over the UK's water infrastructure, citing in particular, no new reservoir construction projects in over 30 years.

This was highlighted in a damming report.....

Typically for the UK they're dammed if they do and damned if they don't.

 

[legendrider]

Man goes into an old fashioned Victorian public toilet. Says to the guy in the next cubicle "Excuse but I can't help noticing that you are circumsised".
Other fella says "Didn't think you could see over these big partitions?"
First chap "Well no you can't but I I can tell you the doctor that performed the little operation"
Second chap "Impossible! That was fourty years ago"
First chap "It was Doctor Michael Greesward of 26 Leyland Avenue Weston-super- Mare"
Second chap "Good Lord, that's amazing. How on earth did you know that?"
First chap "Well, I happen to know Dr Greesward always cuts 'em on the slant and at the moment you're pissing on my foot".

Man goes into public toilet. Starts peeing in the urinal but its spraying absolutely everywhere like a lawn sprinkler
The guy next to him says "Hey, watch where your peeing!"
First guy says "Sorry, I have this condition - born with multiple holes in the end of my old man"
Second chap reaches into his pocket and pulls out a business card, says "Here, this is my friend's card, he'll be able to help you"
First chap "That's great - is he a urologist?"
Second chap "No, he's a clarinet player"