Author Topic: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.  (Read 1085621 times)

Offline Laurie

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5625 on: February 10, 2017, 11:43:18 am »
My friend can only sleep on stacks of old magazines.

He's got lots of back issues.
2015 - Green insurance card swapped for a red one :(

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5626 on: February 10, 2017, 02:18:27 pm »
Talking of dinosaurs & religion ............  If god didn't want us to masturbate he would've made our arms shorter.  That's why a tyrannosaurus rex is always so angry. 
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5627 on: February 10, 2017, 09:36:06 pm »
I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline Laurie

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5628 on: February 14, 2017, 09:15:06 pm »
Financial planning...   



Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.   



When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died,
he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.



One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.   



"I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "but in just a few years,
my father will die and I will inherit £200 million."   



Intrigued and impressed, the woman asked for his business card;



Three weeks later she became his stepmother.


Women are sooo much better at financial planning than men.
2015 - Green insurance card swapped for a red one :(

Offline Laurie

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5629 on: February 16, 2017, 11:11:47 am »
A husband wrote the following letter for his wife and left it on the dining room table:

To My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset I shall be home before midnight.

When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a maths teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of Maths, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference -

18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.
Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.
2015 - Green insurance card swapped for a red one :(

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5630 on: February 16, 2017, 03:09:12 pm »
My wife hates the way I make fun about her weight. She really needs to lighten up.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline Alex

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5631 on: February 17, 2017, 02:12:50 pm »
Quote
I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

I am sure it all could have been smoother over, beforehand.
Anything I say is represents my own opinion and not that of a any club/organisation that I am a member of (unless its good of course)

Offline Maj

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5632 on: February 17, 2017, 08:27:47 pm »
Quote
I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

I am sure it all could have been smoother over, beforehand.

Did you polish him off?

Maj.
Confucius say "War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left."

Offline Rhinolophus

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5633 on: February 18, 2017, 07:21:50 am »
These jokes are getting gritty!

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5634 on: February 18, 2017, 09:32:27 am »
I entered a Fidel Castro look-a-like competition last week - I came second.

Close, but no cigar...
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline ChrisJC

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5635 on: February 18, 2017, 09:54:11 am »
Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58pm.He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.
               
The 10pm news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building, preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
 
Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump."

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
 
Bob placed a $20.00 bill on the bar and said, "You're on !!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar,the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.
 
The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20.00 to Bob.

"Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Bob replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5pm news, so I knew he would jump."
 
The blonde replied, "I did too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."
 
Bob took the money.   
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Offline mudman

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5636 on: February 18, 2017, 09:33:15 pm »
I never wanted to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker.

But when I got home, all the signs were there.

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5637 on: February 21, 2017, 08:58:23 am »
Apparently you can't use beefstew as a password. It's not stroganoff.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline Laurie

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5638 on: February 21, 2017, 10:11:27 am »
Tony, they're getting worse.  :(




.............................................................................................keep 'em coming  ;D
2015 - Green insurance card swapped for a red one :(

Offline Laurie

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5639 on: February 21, 2017, 03:13:41 pm »
My wife has left me because I'm too insecure.
No wait, she's back.
She just went to make a cup of tea.
2015 - Green insurance card swapped for a red one :(

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5640 on: February 22, 2017, 04:11:08 pm »
If you're in a German bondage dungeon and you know it, clamp your Hans.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline Roger W

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5641 on: February 22, 2017, 06:53:42 pm »
Met this guy in Castleton the other day.

'You don't happen to know a chap with one eye called  Stanley, do you?' he asked.

'Don't think so,' I said.  'What's his other eye called?'
"That, of course, is the dangerous part about caves:  you don't know how far they go back, sometimes... or what is waiting for you inside."   JRR Tolkein: "The Hobbit"

Offline Laurie

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5642 on: February 22, 2017, 07:40:10 pm »
Met this guy in Castleton the other day.

'You don't happen to know a chap with one eye called  Stanley, do you?' he asked.

'Don't think so,' I said.  'What's his other eye called?'
Nothing to do with Mary Poppins then.....? ::)
2015 - Green insurance card swapped for a red one :(

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5643 on: February 23, 2017, 09:23:21 am »
A beautiful garden is the perfect example of God and Man working together in harmony. Mind you, you should have seen the state of my garden when God was doing it by himself.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline Kevlar

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5644 on: February 23, 2017, 09:37:42 am »
Met this guy in Castleton the other day.

'You don't happen to know a chap with one eye called  Stanley, do you?' he asked.

'Don't think so,' I said.  'What's his other eye called?'
Nothing to do with Mary Poppins then.....? ::)

Actually when I was young I suffered a temporary blindness which doctors thought was related to the fact I would watch Mary Poppins 5 times a day, back to back.

Turns out I had Um-diddle-diddle-um-diddle-eye.

Offline Laurie

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5645 on: February 24, 2017, 12:24:46 pm »
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
2015 - Green insurance card swapped for a red one :(

Offline Maj

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5646 on: February 25, 2017, 09:24:47 am »
I've got a roll of Sudoku toilet paper, but it's crap.

You can only fill it in with 1's & 2's.

Maj.
Confucius say "War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left."

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5647 on: February 25, 2017, 01:31:40 pm »
 was half an hour into "Orange Is The New Black" before I realised it wasn't about Trump taking over from Obama.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline Graigwen

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5648 on: February 25, 2017, 09:34:00 pm »
What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Too close to reality.

Almost half a century ago when I sat my university finals one paper was on International Theory. Question 1 was:

"There is no International Theory. Discuss."

.

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #5649 on: March 02, 2017, 10:26:08 am »
While walking down a road near to where I live, a man approached me and asked me if I would like a sofa and two armchairs for free.
I said I was sorry but no thanks, as my parents always told me not to accept suites from strangers.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"