Author Topic: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.  (Read 1369232 times)

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7075 on: November 21, 2020, 11:15:02 am »
A man goes to a Newcastle hairdresser -

“I’d like a Perm please”

“Arret…Aah wundered lernerly as a clerd”
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline Roger W

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7076 on: November 21, 2020, 05:01:53 pm »
I s'pose I'd better put this here - though it happens to be true.

Grauniad headline on Yahoo news - "Coronavirus detected in Victorian sewage."

"I didn't realise it had been around as long as that!" I thought.

Then I read on and saw that the muppets were referring to a Melbourne wastewater facility in Australia...
"That, of course, is the dangerous part about caves:  you don't know how far they go back, sometimes... or what is waiting for you inside."   JRR Tolkein: "The Hobbit"

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7077 on: November 22, 2020, 07:43:16 pm »
I never thought my love life could make me quit my job at the apiary.

Then I saw her face…
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline Alex

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7078 on: November 23, 2020, 08:37:08 am »
Meanwhile, at a development house in India...

Your application "Goverment.exe" failed to compile...
Error in "Ministerial.cpp" on line 666, last edited by "Priti Petel".
Unexpected symbol "!" near "wanker".

Priti Petel has broke the Ministerial code again.
« Last Edit: November 23, 2020, 09:00:54 am by Alex »
Anything I say is represents my own opinion and not that of a any club/organisation that I am a member of (unless its good of course)

Offline ZombieCake

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7079 on: November 23, 2020, 10:02:26 pm »
I was going to post a pun guide to the solar system but I haven't had time to planet.
« Last Edit: November 23, 2020, 10:26:27 pm by ZombieCake »

Offline Elaine

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7080 on: November 24, 2020, 09:46:19 am »
I never thought my love life could make me quit my job at the apiary.

Then I saw her face…

Took me two days, but I got it!!
Wot tiny writing!

Offline Pitlamp

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7081 on: November 24, 2020, 09:58:58 am »
Me too (two days) but . . . .  now I'm a "bee leaver".

Offline andys

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7082 on: November 24, 2020, 10:18:47 am »
Me too (two days) but . . . .  now I'm a "bee leaver".

Perhaps you were having a daydream.......
Plateaus are the highest form of flattery.

Offline Pitlamp

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7083 on: November 24, 2020, 10:24:00 am »
Nay - I was distracted by speleological endeavour.

Offline Duck ditch

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7084 on: November 24, 2020, 05:41:13 pm »
Reminds me of a joke my great nieces and nephews love. 
Which bees do you get milk from?

Boobies.

Online Mark Wright

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7085 on: November 24, 2020, 06:05:18 pm »
• An Oxford comma walks into a bar where it spends the evening watching the television, getting drunk, and smoking cigars. 
• A dangling participle walks into a bar. Enjoying a cocktail and chatting with the bartender, the evening passes pleasantly.
• A bar was walked into by the passive voice.
• An oxymoron walked into a bar, and the silence was deafening.
• Two quotation marks walk into a “bar.”
• A malapropism walks into a bar, looking for all intensive purposes like a wolf in cheap clothing, muttering epitaphs and casting dispersions on his magnificent other, who takes him for granite.
• Hyperbole totally rips into this insane bar and absolutely destroys everything.
• A question mark walks into a bar?
• A non sequitur walks into a bar. In a strong wind, even turkeys can fly.
• Papyrus and Comic Sans walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Get out -- we don't serve your type."
• A mixed metaphor walks into a bar, seeing the handwriting on the wall but hoping to nip it in the bud.
• A comma splice walks into a bar, it has a drink and then leaves.
• Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They converse. They depart.
• A synonym strolls into a tavern.
• At the end of the day, a cliché walks into a bar -- fresh as a daisy, cute as a button, and sharp as a tack.
• A run-on sentence walks into a bar it starts flirting. With a cute little sentence fragment.
• Falling slowly, softly falling, the chiasmus collapses to the bar floor.
• A figure of speech literally walks into a bar and ends up getting figuratively hammered.
• An allusion walks into a bar, despite the fact that alcohol is its Achilles heel.
• The subjunctive would have walked into a bar, had it only known.
• A misplaced modifier walks into a bar owned a man with a glass eye named Ralph.
• The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.
• A dyslexic walks into a bra.
• A verb walks into a bar, sees a beautiful noun, and suggests they conjugate. The noun declines.
• A simile walks into a bar, as parched as a desert.
• A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking to forget.
• A hyphenated word and a non-hyphenated word walk into a bar and the bartender nearly chokes on the irony.

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7086 on: November 26, 2020, 02:22:10 pm »
Last night I mistakenly drank a bottle of invisible ink. I'm now in hospital waiting to be seen.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7087 on: November 27, 2020, 08:44:03 am »
Went to a fancy dress party.
“What have you come as?"
“A harp.”
“That costume’s too small to be a harp!”
“Are you calling me a lyre?”
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline Laurie

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7088 on: November 27, 2020, 06:43:10 pm »
Tony's pulled his Christmas crackers already.....
MNRC

Offline pwhole

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7089 on: November 27, 2020, 07:08:55 pm »
I'm beginning to suspect that writing them is his main job - expensive crackers of course ;)

Online ChrisJC

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7090 on: November 27, 2020, 10:05:07 pm »
I'm beginning to suspect that writing them is his main job - expensive crackers of course ;)

They'd be a lot better than the usual crap you get in crackers. I'd pay extra for ones full of Tony's jokes.

Chris.
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http://www.cowdery.org.uk
Mines, caves,
Land Rovers

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7091 on: November 28, 2020, 04:45:29 pm »
He's making a list,
Checking it twice,
Gonna find out who's naughty or nice!
Santa Claus is in contravention of the Data Protection Act (1998)
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline Duck ditch

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7092 on: November 28, 2020, 06:31:01 pm »
In order to push a squeeze I lubricated myself with washing powder.  It was a bold move

Offline pwhole

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7093 on: November 28, 2020, 08:19:20 pm »
Lubrication? What a Fairy.

Offline aardgoose

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7094 on: November 28, 2020, 08:42:55 pm »
No vim nowadays.

Offline Duck ditch

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7095 on: November 29, 2020, 08:29:09 am »
I’m afraid the dig has ended in a gap only centimetres wide.  Now We are looking for a crack team to help us out.

Offline andys

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7096 on: November 29, 2020, 09:42:05 am »
I was so bored that I memorized six pages of a dictionary.
I learned next to nothing.
Plateaus are the highest form of flattery.

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7097 on: November 29, 2020, 11:25:55 am »
I was repairing the toilet in a church when I decided to become an atheist - I just lost faith in the cistern.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7098 on: November 29, 2020, 02:13:49 pm »
After the operation, Quasimodo changed his name to Humphrey.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline TheBitterEnd

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #7099 on: November 29, 2020, 08:27:59 pm »
For Christmas I’ve put up a marquee in my garden with flashing lights and funky music.

Is this the winter of my disco tent?
'Never argue with a fool, onlookers may not be able to tell the difference.' — Mark Twain

 

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