Author Topic: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.  (Read 1203410 times)

Offline gardouth

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6400 on: May 31, 2019, 11:14:06 am »
Erotic is using a feather... kinky is using the whole chicken.
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Offline andys

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6401 on: June 01, 2019, 06:15:21 pm »
Two things that will never get old: dark humour and unvaccinated children.
Plateaus are the highest form of flattery.

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6402 on: June 02, 2019, 09:33:26 am »
They say when confronted by a bear the best thing to do is play dead. When I came face to face with one in the woods the other day I accidentally played dad instead...
Now it can ride a bike without stabilisers.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline crickleymal

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6403 on: June 05, 2019, 08:26:56 am »
I wanted to wash my dog so I put him in the bath. The daft mutt just lay there floating around.  I thought
"There's a good  buoy"
Malc
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Vintage and classic or just plain Jurassic:
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Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6404 on: June 05, 2019, 08:54:04 am »
A man took his dog to the vet and asked for its tail to be cut off.
"Why do you want me to do that?" asked the vet. "Well," said the man "The mother in law is coming tomorrow and I don't want anything to make her think she's welcome."
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6405 on: June 05, 2019, 04:10:34 pm »
Therapist: “What would you say to your dad if he were alive today?”
Me: “Sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead”.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6406 on: June 10, 2019, 04:14:43 pm »
Sad to hear the discoverer of wheat intolerance has died. The family have requested no flours.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline andys

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6407 on: June 11, 2019, 02:05:45 pm »
The Police have been called to an incident where cows have got into a cannabis farm. The steaks have never been higher.
Plateaus are the highest form of flattery.

Offline crickleymal

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6408 on: June 13, 2019, 08:13:53 am »
"Did you enjoy your trout?" I asked.
"I sure did" he replied,  adding with a wink, "I could eat another one. "
But I knew it was just fishful winking.
Malc
Rusted and ropy, dog-eared old copy.
Vintage and classic or just plain Jurassic:
all words to describe me.

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6409 on: June 13, 2019, 08:08:16 pm »
Have you been the victim of faulty double glazing?

You could be entitled to condensation!
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline Pitlamp

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6410 on: June 13, 2019, 08:15:43 pm »
Many cavers are rather subdued in the Dales at the moment, after an awful lot of bad news over the last fortnight.

There's been some lovely jokes here recently; they've cheered me up a fair bit; thanks.

Please keep 'em coming!

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6411 on: June 14, 2019, 06:16:43 pm »
I bumped into an old school friend yesterday. He started showing off, talking about his well paid job and expensive sports car.

Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?"

I said, "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend."

"Why? Is she a stunner?"

“No, she's an optician."
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline Laurie

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6412 on: June 15, 2019, 01:32:53 am »
My ex-wife still misses me but her aim is starting to improve.
MNRC