Author Topic: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing. (Read 1344123 times)

tony from suffolk · « **Reply #6975 on:** August 24, 2020, 12:50:47 pm »

A man walked into a bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on.

The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked up at him and said, “Do you think he’ll jump?”

The guy said, “You know what, I bet he will.”

The blonde replied, “Well, I bet he won’t.” The guy placed £30 on the bar and said, "You’re on!“

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her £30 to the chap saying, "Fair’s fair… Here’s your money.“

The man replied, “I can’t take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o’clock news and knew he would jump.”

The blonde replied, “I did too; but I didn’t think he’d do it again.”

tony from suffolk · « **Reply #6976 on:** August 29, 2020, 06:02:12 pm »

I called my wife at work.

I asked “Do you ever get a stabbing pain across your body, like someone's made a voodoo doll of you and is sticking puns in it?”

“No!”

“How about...now?”

tony from suffolk · « **Reply #6977 on:** August 30, 2020, 06:50:40 pm »

If your rice is too soggy just leave it overnight in a bowl of mobile phones.

TheBitterEnd · « **Reply #6978 on:** August 31, 2020, 09:17:53 pm »

I used to live just a stone's throw away from a family who all died of mysterious head injuries

tony from suffolk · « **Reply #6979 on:** September 03, 2020, 12:59:26 pm »

andys · « **Reply #6980 on:** September 03, 2020, 03:55:32 pm »

Little known fact: Before the crowbar was invented, most crows drank at home.

tony from suffolk · « **Reply #6981 on:** September 04, 2020, 09:36:30 am »

“How do you explain this gap in your C.V.?”

“That’s when I went to Yale”

“That’s impressive ! You’re hired!”

“Thanks, I really need this yob…”

TheBitterEnd · « **Reply #6982 on:** September 05, 2020, 07:26:01 pm »

.........................

hoehlenforscher · « **Reply #6983 on:** September 05, 2020, 10:45:49 pm »

When one door closes, another door opens...

but apart from that my old Land Rover is not a bad truck for its' age

TheBitterEnd · « **Reply #6984 on:** September 06, 2020, 06:57:35 pm »

I was bored so my wife said "why don't you make a bird table"

Now she's not speaking because I put her in fifth place

tony from suffolk · « **Reply #6985 on:** September 11, 2020, 08:49:07 am »

If anyone’s got any ideas about how I can fix my dreadful condensation problem, please pop round - the kettle’s always on.

TheBitterEnd · « **Reply #6986 on:** September 11, 2020, 08:04:58 pm »

.....................................

Laurie · « **Reply #6987 on:** September 13, 2020, 10:47:14 am »

It is very sad but I never got married. You see, my in-laws were unable to have children...

tony from suffolk · « **Reply #6988 on:** September 13, 2020, 01:41:08 pm »

My neighbour banged on my door at 2 o'clock this morning! Luckily, I was still up playing my drums.

Laurie · « **Reply #6989 on:** September 13, 2020, 05:38:25 pm »

I just arrived at one of those Swiss euthanasia clinics.
Do you know what they've given me for breakfast?
Cheerios!

tony from suffolk · « **Reply #6990 on:** September 13, 2020, 07:27:31 pm »

Do Tesco's sell fishcakes? It's my goldfish's birthday tomorrow.

tony from suffolk · « **Reply #6991 on:** September 13, 2020, 08:53:34 pm »

A farmer friend of mine moved to North Wales and bought a farm in Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch. Unfortunately, none of his sheep survived the branding.

tony from suffolk · « **Reply #6992 on:** September 15, 2020, 01:48:54 pm »

A colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence.

For example: Jane ate her friend’s sandwich.

Jane ate her friend’s colon.

tony from suffolk · « **Reply #6993 on:** September 17, 2020, 07:30:47 am »

Alex · « **Reply #6994 on:** September 17, 2020, 07:06:59 pm »

To be fair, one of the 7 is a dog, which don't count.

Oceanrower · « **Reply #6995 on:** September 17, 2020, 07:10:53 pm »

Quote from: Alex on September 17, 2020, 07:06:59 pm

To be fair, one of the 7 is a dog, which don't count.

Err. Want to bet?

Alex · « **Reply #6996 on:** September 17, 2020, 07:57:54 pm »

Maybe I am thinking of the famous 5.

aardgoose · « **Reply #6997 on:** September 17, 2020, 08:13:31 pm »

Yep, the fifth was a dog 'Timmy'.

crickleymal · « **Reply #6998 on:** September 18, 2020, 09:09:30 am »

Made me chuckle