Author Topic: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.  (Read 1273069 times)

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6700 on: March 29, 2020, 11:19:56 am »
I read a lovely story about ethically-sourced coffee to my kids last night. It had a fair retail ending.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline Roger W

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6701 on: March 29, 2020, 11:31:27 am »
Went out this morning to check the hive and see how the bees were getting on with their social distancing.

"Oh, we're all OK," said one of the workers who came out to see me.  "It's a bit crowded in here, but we've all got our own six feet..."
"That, of course, is the dangerous part about caves:  you don't know how far they go back, sometimes... or what is waiting for you inside."   JRR Tolkein: "The Hobbit"

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6702 on: March 29, 2020, 07:36:35 pm »
How do you get down from an elephant?
You don’t, you get it from a duck.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6703 on: March 31, 2020, 10:32:09 am »
I failed my ventriloquist exams.
I can't say I'm surprised.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6704 on: April 01, 2020, 07:30:53 am »
When shopping in Waitrose ensure other shoppers stay the recommended 2 metres away by taking a Lidl carrier bag with you.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6705 on: April 01, 2020, 08:08:36 am »
I just found an old pair of flares in the wardrobe. Took me back to those far-off heady days in the 70s - when I worked on the Lifeboats.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline Martin Wright

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6706 on: April 01, 2020, 08:58:54 am »
"Mummy, Mummy, there's a man in bed with the maid. April fool, it's only Daddy"
The deepest solace lies in understanding this ancient unseen stream

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6707 on: April 01, 2020, 11:42:42 am »
I was in Tesco earlier & I saw a guy buying a sombrero, a piñata & some paella. I thought to myself -  Hispanic buying.
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6708 on: April 01, 2020, 08:59:59 pm »
An American checks into a London hotel having had a bad day. He asks the receptionist where the elevator is.

He is told the “lift” is around the corner from reception.

The American says “It’s called AN ELEVATOR! WE INVENTED IT!”

The receptionist replies “Yes sir, but we invented the language and so it’s a lift.”
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline tony from suffolk

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6709 on: April 02, 2020, 08:14:13 am »
Husband -
My wife is missing.
She went out yesterday and has not come home...

Sergeant at Police Station:
What is her height?

Husband:
I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant:
Weight?

Husband:
Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant:
Colour of eyes?

Husband:
Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.

Sergeant:
Colour of hair?

Husband:
Changes a couple times a year.
Maybe dark brown now.
I can’t remember.

Sergeant:
What was she wearing?

Husband:
Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.

Sergeant:
What kind of car did she go in?

Husband:
She went in my Porsche

Sergeant:
What kind of Porsche was it?

Husband: (sobbing)
Porsche 991.2 Carrera C4S 7 speed PDK
Ambient Lighting pack - Creats headrests. heated seats, Valcona leather - Lunar silver + super sport seats, 3 spoke heated sports leather multifunction steering wheel with paddle shift, LED Matrix headlights with high beam assist, Pearlescent paint, parking system plus with front and rear sensors, Audible and visual fasten seat belt warning - front and rear, Cruise control, Driver's information system, PCM Navigation, Mobile telephone preparation, PAS, Service interval indicator, 3 point seatbelts on all seats, ABS-EBD, ASR traction control, Curtain airbags, Driver and passenger airbags, Driver-front passenger side airbags, Electromechanical parking brake, Electronic stability control, Front passenger airbag deactivation, Hill hold assist, Tyre pressure monitoring system, Warning triangle and first aid kit, Anti theft alarm, Anti-theft wheel bolts, Immobiliser, Keyless Start, Remote central locking, Audi music interface, Auxiliary input socket, DAB digital radio module, CD player and bluetooth interface, SD card slot, USB connection, 12V power in rear centre console, 4 way electric lumbar support, 4 zone climate control, Aluminium door sill trims, Black alcantara headlining, Electric front seats + driver memory, Front centre armrest, Front head restraints, Front-rear floor mats, Height adjustable front seats, Isofix front passenger and rear seat preparation, Jack and tool kit, Load lashing points, Luggage compartment cover, Luggage rails, Perforated leather gearknob, Split folding rear seat, Auto dimming rear view mirror, Automatic headlights + automatic windscreen wipers, Body coloured bumpers, Body coloured door mirrors and handles, Body coloured roof spoiler, Door sill trims with Black badges. Electric front-rear windows, Headlight washers, High gloss black door mirrors, High gloss black finish B pillar, High gloss black triangular aperture at rear door, LED daytime running lights, LED rear lights, Light sensor, Platinum grey front lip spoiler, Privacy glass (to rear of B post), Rain sensor, Rear wiper, Alcantara door trim, Piano black finish inlay, Space saver spare wheel, Black Styling pack - Non smoking pack - Rain sensing wipers, gloss black alloys, PCCB, glass roof, colour coded xenon washer jets, red seat belts.

Sergeant:
Don't worry mate, I'm sure we'll find your Porsche...
"Aim low, achieve your goals, avoid disappointment"

Offline hoehlenforscher

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6710 on: Yesterday at 06:42:13 pm »
Did you hear that thieves have stolen the motorway signs around Yorkshire?

Police are currently looking for Leeds

Offline TheBitterEnd

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Re: Friday joke - WARNING - contains swearing.
« Reply #6711 on: Yesterday at 08:18:09 pm »
I've just read that you can use an old bra as a face mask.

Apparently you need to use the left hand cup only to avoid looking like a right tit.
'Never argue with a fool, onlookers may not be able to tell the difference.' — Mark Twain

 

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